


The Shattered Pieces of My Broken World

by geek_chic_girl (pickledmagic)



Series: Shattered Pieces [1]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Character Death, Domestic Violence, F/M, Hurt Jared Padalecki, Hurt Jensen Ackles, J2 AU, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Rape/Non-con Elements, Slow Burn, believe it or not actual fluff, old story reposted
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-03-05 15:24:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 25
Words: 141,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18831382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pickledmagic/pseuds/geek_chic_girl
Summary: Jared is a broken shell after his whole world is taken from him one day ten years ago. Jensen is coasting through his life, pretending he does not feel the hole left in his heart. This is what happens when the past catches up with them.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Imogenlily](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imogenlily/gifts).



> So 10 years ago I saw a prompt from Imogen_lily that I though was kinda cool. The story it sparked took on a life of its own and is something I've loved and hated in turns. I thought it was about time I transferred it here. I hope it still offers some enjoyment. There are some minor tweaks and edits because I can't leave well enough alone.

Jensen was lost.  Had been for a long time.  He knew this even as the sight of a tall, shaggy haired man across the street made his heart pound. He slowed and stared at the back of the man’s head. All rational thought had abandoned him in a single moment and his head spun with conflicting emotions.

After a moment Jensen took a firm grip of himself. There was no way it could be _him_ standing across the street, calm and composed as if nothing could touch him. That man  was gone, shattered into pieces so small not even Jensen could put them together again.

Jensen felt the tears sting behind his eyes as he fought for composure. Almost everyone in this little town he called home knew what had happened, but it was ten years ago. There was no excuse for losing it over a man, a future, that had been torn from him so long ago. Yet every time he saw someone with the same build, the same pointed jaw and long nose, the same brown hair, every time there was the slightest resemblance, his heart would trip like the first moment he had seen him.  _Jared._

As soon as the realisation dawned - _not him_ \- the gut-wrenching pull of grief threatened to suffocate him. It had taken years but, after a while he stopped looking for the mane of chocolate brown hair and lithe, graceful movements in a crowd. Every now and then, though, it crept up on him and that was it. It was time for another trip to the city.  Every now and then he found himself a willing body to sink into it for a while, chasing away the grief. It was enough to keep the demons at bay. It never failed. But it never filled the void either. Only one person had ever been able to do that.  


Slowly he dragged his feet until the man with the slightly _wrong_ look was out of sight. He was late for work and Chris would be pissed but there was no way he could concentrate right now. He would have to leave it to his right-hand-man to deal with Mrs Baxter’s sedan and its weekly, pointless, check-up. Chris would have to listen to her simper and laugh as she leaned too close and her cloying perfume made it hard to breathe, even when the smell of the oil should have obscured everything else. 

Jensen let his feet guide him until he was pushing open the door to Morgan’s Diner. He nodded to a few of the more familiar faces and took a seat as far away from everyone as possible. They were used to it by now, after Jared - even now he could hardly bear to think that name - he had cultivated the distance everyone had given him. The rest of the town, even some of his friends, felt awkward in the presence of his desolation and let him be after the initial condolences. They stumbled over their words in case he lost it, avoided eye contact and ran, but in the end what was there to say beyond “I’m sorry”? Sometimes words were just empty, no matter how much you might mean them. Still he had gotten a dozen casseroles out of it, he thought bitterly.

Jensen was still friendly and polite wherever he went. He still took part in the community events, had a kind word for everyone he knew, but there were few he let past his defences these days. It was too hard.

Jeff stepped out of the kitchen, took one look and grabbed the nearly full pot of coffee and a mug. He sat opposite Jensen and poured, not saying a word. Yeah, this was why he came here whenever his world threatened to spin out of control. This was why he loved this town which had been his home for more years than he could remember.   He took a long gulp of the scalding liquid that completely failed to warm his frozen insides and looked up into the placid brown eyes sitting across from him, letting the gratitude spread across the silence.

 

_ ***** _

Jared gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles were white. His whole body ached and when he moved white hot flashes of pain speared through him. He had spent the first hour driving aimlessly. He had nothing in his head apart from running. The urge for flight had finally settled to a dull roar after three hours and as he turned in his seat for the hundredth time, the thrum of pain suddenly exploded as the jagged edges of his broken ribs ground together.

Not once did he stop driving. The car held the only things left in this world that were precious to him and nothing was going to hurt them. Ever. Jared glanced in the rearview and saw Beth’s eyes glittering in the light from the street lights. He gave her a quick smile before turning his eyes back to the road.

“Get some sleep, munchkin,” he whispered softly, careful not to disturb her sister who slept soundly beside her. Beth settled back into her seat and leaned closer to Annabel, linking her hand with her sister’s, but never once taking her eyes from her father.

The roads blended together and Jared knew it was a bad idea to keep driving in the state he was in, but his foot still pressed on the accelerator and his grip never wavered on the wheel. The cold voice full of anger still hissed in his ear mile after mile.

_ “Shut the fuck up, Jared. I swear to  _ God _if you wake up my girls I’ll fucking kill you. I don’t want them to get hurt just because you don’t do as you’re fucking told.”_

A shudder ran through him as he felt the ghost of breath in his ear, the soft panting echoing in the tiny confines of the car and the smooth hands digging into his flesh. The car surged forward once more as his body tensed at the memory. Tom could do whatever he wanted to Jared, but there was no way he could let anyone hurt his girls. They were his little miracles and no one was going to touch a hair on their beautiful heads while he still had breath in his body. 

Every movement, every bump in the road sent sharp reminders of what could happen if Tom ever found them, of the punishment he would inflict on Jared. What he had seen that night...He could not risk his girls getting caught up in Tom’s anger. Jared had never believed he would go that far, but now...No, Jared would run. He would keep them safe no matter what it took. There was no other option.


	2. Chapter 1

The diner was bustling with early morning business even though it was before eight. Jared took a deep breath and herded his girls inside. He had intended to stop and eat but the thought of so many people being around sent a shudder of apprehension through him. It had been a long time since he had been comfortable in a crowd but the last few years had gotten worse. His eyes were gritty with lack of sleep and he was swaying on his feet from pain that even the prescription meds left over from last time could not completely block out.

Annabel was gently tugging at his arm, her thumb in her mouth.

“What is it baby?” Jared asked, leaning down carefully.

“I want waffles,” she mumbled around her thumb.

“What have I told you about talking with your mouth full?” Jared chided softly.

“My thumb counts too.”

“That’s right. Come on. Let’s get you some food and we’ll hit the road again.”

“Papa?” Beth asked as they made their way to the counter.

“What is it, munchkin?”

“Why are we running away from daddy?” she asked, her hand clasping Annabel’s as two sets of eyes gazed at him intently. 

Jared visibly paled and swayed on his feet, the question had overwhelmed his meagre defences even though he should have seen it coming. He gripped the counter with whitened hands and met the deep brown gaze of the well-built man standing the other side. The face was impassive but Jared got the impression he knew exactly why they were running and it pricked at what little pride he had left. He hated anyone seeing just how weak he really was.

With a careful breath, Jared crouched in front of his girls, ignoring the stab of pain the move caused. He could see the confusion and fear but did not know how to erase it. “Annabel, Beth I know it’s hard to understand but we need to stay away from your daddy right now. He’s angry and sometimes when he’s angry he does and says things he doesn’t mean. You know how upset you got when your sister said she hated you, Beth? You knew she didn’t mean it but it hurt real bad. I don’t want daddy to upset you like that.”

Beth nodded silently and Annabel pouted.

“Will you take Beth away if I get mad again?” Annabel asked , grasping Beth’s hand tighter. “I didn’t mean it, Papa,” she sobbed.

Jared felt like a train had hit him at Annabel’s words. How could he let her think that, even for an instant?  Jared pulled them into his arms and stifled the sob that threatened to break free as they squeezed him tight. “I know you didn’t Annie. I’d never leave you. Never. You’re my baby girls.” He knew they were still frightened and confused but there was nothing else he could do. He had already said too much in the crowded diner but at least it looked like the only one paying attention was the grizzled guy taking the orders.

“Can we get an order of waffles with strawberries and honey and – Beth, what do you want?”

“Blueberry pancakes! Do you have real maple syrup?” Beth asked, excitement rising at the unexpected treat and the familiar Padalecki enthusiasm for food overriding everything else.

“Of course, honey. Can’t have pancakes without maple syrup now can we,” the man said, his voice rough but gentle.

“To go please,” Jared said as he eyed the man warily. He looked strong and sure of himself. It sent a thrill of fear through him. Right now, maybe never, Jared would be no match for him if he decided he wanted _something_ from Jared. Everyone wanted _something_ from Jared and it was his job to make sure they did not get it. It was a lesson well learned.

“Why don’t you grab the corner table. I’ll grab you some coffee while you wait,” he said with the same gentleness he had used on the girls. Jared thought he saw concern in the depths of those eyes but there was no way he would leave himself open like that again. He held his daughters close and walked quickly to the table, keeping as much of the diner in view as possible.

The bench seat was covered in vinyl and had soaked up the heat of the Texas sun already. The warmth soothed some of his aches but also brought on the fatigue he had kept at bay all night. Jeff, Jared had discovered as he listened to the banter of the other patrons, brought over the coffee and some colouring books and pens for Beth and Annabel.

Jared fought to keep his eyes open but the room was spinning and stiflingly hot. His hands shook too much to raise the coffee mug to his mouth so he sat there trying to get a grip on his rebellious body.

 

*****

Jeff glanced repeatedly at the far table as he dealt with the morning rush. The kid was about to collapse and he still wanted the food to go. He had not even ordered for himself. Unusual though it was, Jeff would put money on him being the birth father. He had met a few in his day and that kind of closeness almost always developed with the parent that had actually given birth. It was a subtle difference but there if you knew what to look for.

It did not take a genius to know he was running from something and the sheen of sweat that coated his waxy skin was a serious cause for concern. If the kid kept driving he would probably kill all of them. The _fuck off_ vibes were clear as a bell and any attempt at an intervention would likely be met with a disappearing act. Jeff had been hunting enough not to corner a wild animal unless he was sure he could bring it down so he would not discount physical violence if the kid was pushed far enough.

Jeff noticed a few of the other regulars glance in their direction with similar looks of concern. He smiled. There were a lot of good people in this town.

There was a ding behind him and Jeff saw the kid’s order was up. He had finally fallen asleep, head at an uncomfortable angle, the rest of the truly exhausted. In his sleep he looked even younger. The haunted look had aged him, though he still looked like he could not be over twenty-five. He was handsome in an exotic way that felt vaguely familiar. Jeff shook off the strange feeling and swapped the Styrofoam containers for plates and headed over to the table.

“There you go girls. Thought you might want to let your Papa sleep for a while,” he said, softly. They looked up from their silent communication when he approached. They seemed to know their Papa needed his rest and had kept themselves entertained by building a little house out of the sugar packets.

“Papa’s sad. He thinks we don’t know but we do,” one of them – Beth? Jeff thought - said quietly, her hazel eyes intent on Jeff. He met her gaze with equanimity.

“If he is I’m sure he just doesn’t want you to worry.” Beth nodded and turned to her pancakes.

The other girl had already wolfed down half of the waffles in front of her. “I’m Annabel. Annabel Rebecca Welling” she said round a mouthful of food. “And this is Beth. She thinks she’s in charge ‘cause she’s three minutes older but I don’t think that’s fair. Why do you work in a diner?”

“Well I like people and I like food. Get a lot of both here,” Jeff replied, grinning.

“Me too!” Annabel exclaimed, wriggling in her seat. “Can I work here too?”

“Not yet, honey. Maybe one day when you’re a little older.”

Annabel huffed loudly, “grownups always say that!” Their father stirred slightly and moaned as he shifted. Beth kicked her sister and told her to shush. “See,” Annabel hissed quietly and Jeff chuckled to himself.

“How about I grab you two a milkshake to share? Let your Papa sleep, he can stay there as long as he wants.”

They stared at him with identical hazel eyes but he could already see some of the differences between them, though it was probably only because he had been watching them so closely. Beth’s hazel eyes looked ever so slightly bluer, her hair a shade or two darker, and she was clearly more reserved than her sister. Annabel’s face was slightly more square but still had the high cheek bones and long nose of sister and father. They nodded solemnly and turned back to their food, absolutely in synch in the way only twins could be.

Half an hour later Jeff felt a tug on his pants leg. It was one of the girls the kid had brought in, Annabel. She looked worried and her thumb was stuck in her mouth.

“What is it, honey?” Jeff asked, crouching in front of her.

“Papa won’t wake up and he’s shivering. I think he’s sick.  I tried to kiss him better but it didn’t work.”

“Come on, let’s see what I can do,” Jeff said as he smoothed down her hair. He could see the tears welling in her eyes. She was terrified but at least she had the sense to come get an adult to help. The kid was pale and flushed with fever. Small tremors wracked his body but he was still soundly asleep. He turned solemnly to the girls, trying to mask his concern.  “Okay, I think just one kiss isn’t going to do it. You’re going to need to kiss him every day, both of you, to make sure he gets better and stays better. I’m going to take him upstairs so he can lie down properly and we can tuck him in, okay?”

Beth gave him that intense stare again. Strangely it reminded him of Sam, the way she could see right through all his bullshit and never failed to call him on it. God, he loved that woman. He smiled wider and Annabel grinned back. He ruffled her hair but turned his attention back to Beth as Annabel wrapped herself around his leg.

“Okay. Papa’s too big for us to carry so you have to,” Beth replied finally.

“Well, alright then,” Jeff said and set off for the table. The kid was taller than he looked. When he slept the miles of legs spread to a more comfortable position than the kid’s permanent hunch. He would need some help. “Hey, Jim. Help me get this guy upstairs?” he called out to a trucker sitting at the counter.

“Sure, Jeff anything else you want while I’m at it? Help cleaning out the grill?” Jim grumbled as he got up. Jeff arched an eyebrow even as his mouth twitched in amusement. Jim had been a regular for five years and if there was one thing he had learnt about the surly man it was that he could be trusted in a pinch.

“Sure, Jim. You know I never refuse an offer of help.”

Between them they hoisted the kid up and dragged him up the stairs. He was a dead weight and groaned at the slightest jar but never woke up. By the time they had deposited the kid on Jeff’s bed Jim was wearing a matching expression of worry.

“If he’s hurting this bad and hasn’t woken up...” he murmured so the twin girls would not be able to hear.

“Yeah, I know. He needs a doctor but I get the feeling he wouldn’t appreciate it.”

“Don’t matter ‘bout appreciation, matters about staying alive,” Jim hissed.

“I’ll give him ‘til morning. Might be rest is all he needs.” Jim remained unconvinced and, if truth be told, so was Jeff but this was the best they could do for now. The kid was spooked when he came in and Jeff was more worried about his state of mind right now.

“Don’t take chances with him, Jeff. He’s got these two to look after.”

Jeff sighed in agreement. The girls were standing as close as possible to each other by the side of the bed. They were holding hands and switching their gazes between their father and the men in the corner. They looked scared and curious and their silence was strangely unnerving. Jeff almost wanted them to start crying for their Papa or their absent daddy but they just watched and waited and clung to each other.

“Beth, Annabel,” Jeff said softly, “what’s your Papa’s name? What do his friends call him?”

“Daddy calls him Baby,” Annabel said quickly then frowned. “Papa doesn’t really have any friends.”

“Papa’s name is Jared. Daddy calls him that sometimes, too,” Beth said firmly.

“Thank you, Beth. Are your fathers married?” They both shook their heads. “Does your daddy live with you?”

“Daddy’s at home. Papa said we can’t see him right now. I think daddy’s angry about something we did,” Annabel said quietly, her eyes welling.

“I’m sure that’s not true, honey,” Jeff said as he stroked her long hair. “I don’t think you could do anything to make your daddy angry. Now why don’t you run down and get your things. You can stay in here with your Papa so long as you’re quiet and let him rest.”

They nodded solemnly before running down the stairs and back into the diner. They were a strange pair, older than they should be but full of fun and energy too. Jeff looked at Jared more carefully this time. The fever was getting worse but not bad enough to be seriously worrying yet. The girls ran back in giggling before he could start checking Jared out for the other injuries he felt certain he would find.

The girls sat at the table and started to draw but kept glancing at the pale figure of their father. Jeff just hoped he was doing the right thing.

 

*****

It was dark by the time he woke up. Panic welled in him as he forced himself to stay still and keep his breathing even. Where was he? What had happened?  _Where were his girls?_  Jared felt a slight movement beside him and he froze. Slowly he cracked his eyes open and glanced down. A mop of brown hair was visible beneath the blanket and he felt another body on his other side. They were there with him. Jared let out a deep breath and hugged them closer.

“So, you’re awake,” a sleepy voice said from the corner, but in Jared’s fevered state of mind the rough, gentle voice became smooth and cold. Panic flooded him as the familiar sound greeted him.

Jared bolted out of the bed, ignoring the stabs of pain that sent black spots dancing across his eyes. The movement had shaken Beth and Annabel awake and he pulled them to him, gripping them almost painfully tight. 

“Get away from us,” Jared hissed as brown eyes morphed into angry blue ones. He backed towards the door, keeping as far away from the other man as possible. The girls followed him, confused and frightened but he had no way to reassure them, not yet. They ran without shoes or coats heedless of the worried call of his name. His mind screamed _runrunrun_ even as his body wanted to collapse. It did not matter.  All that mattered was getting away.

In minutes they were in the car again and peeling out of town for good. Beth and Annabel were crying silently in the back seat but Jared could barely breathe let alone speak. He wanted to stop and pull them into his arms. He wanted to tickle them until they cried with laughter rather than fear. But the terror was back and all he could do was drive.

Tom was right. He was weak. He would never be able to look after his girls properly. Anything could have happened to them and he would never have known.  _Oh God, what was he supposed to do?_  His vision blurred as tears streaked his face but still he drove further into the depths of the night.


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT 17/05/2019: So last night I posted chapter 3 instead of chapter 2. This is the correct chapter now. Sorry everyone

It was dawn again before Jared pulled over at the side of the road. His vision was still swimming no matter how much he willed it to steady. It had been stupid to run like that and drive in this state for so long. He knew the only reason he had not gone off the road was that it was long and straight with wide plains stretching out to either side. It was also free of traffic at this time of day. Some part of him realised the minimal risk and it was the only reason he had been able to continue as long as he had but he could not will himself on any longer.

The girls had finally fallen asleep, their breath still hiccupping from the tears. The tank was almost empty and he had no idea how far away the next town was. To make it worse they had left with only the clothes on their backs. How was he supposed to get everything they needed without money?

The thoughts kept chasing round his head warding off the blissful sleep he craved. Everything hurt and the car was stiflingly hot. His body and mind conspired to keep him conscious despite the bone deep ache of exhaustion. The ghost of Tom’s touch haunted him and every time he closed his eyes he could see the look of pure hatred on that finely sculpted face. How could he have been so blind for so long? Tears tracked silently down his cheeks as he curled up in the driver’s seat.

Time lost all meaning as the Texas sun beat down on him through the windscreen. It was too hot to bear but he could not stop shivering, nor could he will his arm to open the window. Jared could hear the tiny, frightened voices of his little girls calling for him.  

 No matter how hard he tried Jared could not get to them. Mist hid their faces from him and the cold voice that had chased him half way across the state taunted him.

_“They’re mine, Jared. You’ll never find them. I don’t let anybody touch what’s mine, not even you.”_

Jared cried out for them but the mist absorbed every sound. Every time he moved to look for them the mist became denser until he was trapped in ice, unable to move and frozen from the inside out. Beth and Annabel faded in and out of his vision. He heard his babies crying in the shadows and the deep laughter he had once found so appealing filled him with terror. They called out for Jared and Tom as they searched in the same mist that held Jared captive. Jared could not speak, could not call out as his girls slipped further away into the waiting arms of their daddy, their Papa forgotten in the darkness.

 

*****

Consciousness was an unwelcome visitor when it came. The aches and pains that had been dulled by adrenaline returned full force as he lay in the crisp white sheets. Jared was warm and as comfortable as he could be, stretched out in a bed that could actually accommodate his height. He couldn’t remember why that was wrong, but if wrong felt this good he was not going to question it. But there was something else, something missing. The thought niggled at him as he stretched and with a burst of agony his memory returned.

“Bethany! Annabel!” he screamed as he bolted from the bed. Or rather, tried. He was tangled in wires and tubes and his body refused to obey his commands. As soon as his feet touched the floor he collapsed, his legs trembling with the effort of moving. Desperation clawed at him as he tried to get free of the machinery. The buzz of the flat-line told him he had worked one of the monitors free but that just meant people would be rushing in any second. Where were his girls? Where the hell was he?

He heard a heavy tread on the tile outside his room and he struggled harder. He winced as he pulled out the canula in his hand, ignoring the trickle of blood that followed. Once more he tried to stand but his strength was non-existent. He gripped the railing of the bed to stop himself falling to the floor again.

A large, calloused hand wrapped itself around his arm and he swung round to throw it off. Jared fell hard and jarred his broken ribs. A sob of pain tore from his lips but he was already crawling for the door. He did not dare turn. The flashes of nightmares played past his eyes.

“Bethany. Annabel, baby. I love you. I’m so sorry.  Please, come back,” he sobbed over and over again on gasping breaths. He felt the hands on him again, this time less gently. Oh god. Why had he tried to run? It only made it worse if he tried to defend himself. He was in the wrong so he should stand there and take it like the man he pretended to be.

“I’m sorry. Please, Tom. I’m sorry. Just tell me where they are,” Jared pleaded, giving up all pretence of running.

“Jared. Jared you have to breathe.” The voice was wrong. It jarred his senses almost as much as the fall had. It was whiskey-rough and kind. Jared had not heard a voice like that directed at him for such a long time. Since...not since...He couldn’t go on, the tears already threatened to shatter his tenuous grip on reality.

“I’m sorry,” Jared whispered as he hunched in on himself while remaining completely compliant in the strong arms holding him. The urge to fight losing to the knowledge it was always worse if he did.

“Jared. Look at me,” the voice continued. It was gentle but commanding and impossible to resist. One of the large hands cupped his jaw and tilted it slowly upwards. It was hard to see the face clearly but the shape of it was wrong as was the breadth of the chest he was pulled against. Jared shook his head as much as he could in the firm grip of the man’s hand. The eyes were a deep brown, the eyebrows thicker, the features rugged and the hair peppered with grey.

Tom would never have stood for anything but perfection, in himself or the people close to him, and the faded plaid shirt and ripped jeans were a far cry from that. He took a deep shuddering breath and felt his heart start to calm. Unconsciously he allowed himself to be drawn into the man’s arms as he wept in relief.

“Annabel, Bethany. Where are my daughters?” Jared asked on a whisper. The arms tightened around him, holding him closer. The air felt thick and heavy as he waited for an answer, the tension pulling every muscle tight until his body screamed.

“They’re okay, Jared. They’re being taken care of and they’re gonna be here soon, I promise.”

“Where are they?” Jared asked again, louder this time and with an edge of hysteria. Panic gave him strength as he pushed at the man’s grip.

“Jared. I promise they’re okay. The hospital made arrangements for them while they were looking after you.”

“Dammit! Where are my girls?” Jared screamed as he fought the strong arms that held him down. “Bethany! Annabel! Where are my babies? Annabel! It’s Papa. Please, Bethany!”

Jared kept screaming and fighting. Nothing was going to keep him from his girls. Not this guy and not some stupid hospital. Oh God, what if they called Tom. This guy already knew his name. It would not take long for them to track Tom down.

“Please, let me see them. Please,” Jared cried as he felt the last of his strength desert him. There was a prick in his arm and his vision started to fade almost instantly. “No,” he whispered as he felt himself lifted in strong, capable arms.

“It’s okay, Jared. I promise you it’s gonna be okay,” the man said as he carried Jared to the bed. “They had better be here the next time he wakes up,” the low, rumbling voice said as Jared slipped into unconsciousness. The restrained anger in his tone made Jared flinch even as the world darkened.

 

*****

Images flickered across Jared’s mind as he slowly came to. They were unsettling but whenever he tried to focus on them they dissolved into fragments. His hearing seemed to come back first. Small sounds of the hospital, creaks and clanks, people coughing, the squeak of rubber soles on the hard tile. Normally it would have induced a panic attack but the effects of the drug they had given him made him feel completely disassociated from it all.

After a while he cracked his eyes open. He saw the greying black hair of the guy from the diner bent down towards his girls. His heart-rate went up a fraction at the sight of them sitting in a stranger’s lap. It was wrong, so wrong, but the easy way they whispered together and the carefree giggling that occasionally escaped from the girls made him pause. They were happy listening to Jeff. He was comforting them.

Jared looked carefully at the older man. He looked to be in his late forties or early fifties with a weathered look that spoke of years working in the open. He had an indulgent smile on his face as he whispered to Beth and Annabel, like a favourite uncle who held the children enthralled with his stories. The tension melted from him as he watched. There was no hint of insincerity and no awareness of being watched. He was keeping Beth and Annabel occupied and distracted while Jared slept. 

Jared smiled softly as Annabel giggled. The drugged haze stopped anxiety from building as it normally would at the sight of them with another adult. It was the sweetest sound he had heard in a long time and he realised neither of them had been carefree and happy the way six year olds should be for much longer that the last few days. He stretched and groaned as the movement awakened his protesting body.

In an instant he was wrapped up in the sweet arms of his two girls.  They climbed awkwardly onto the bed and buried their heads into his chest. He gripped them tightly, ignoring his body’s complaints as he drank in the sight, sound and feel of them, the strawberry scent of their shampoo and the little girl smell that was just them. Everything else fell into the background and all was right with the world now they were snuggled up close to him where they belonged.

After a few moments he turned his attention to the guy who had been playing with Beth and Annabel. He was still sitting in the chair smiling softly.  The man’s eyes were intent and Jared had the impression he was seeing more than he let on. He was tall, broad and muscular with a grizzled appearance that made him seem older than he was. Jared felt a vague recognition but brushed it aside as he saw a couple standing just inside the doorway. The woman was blonde, too thin even for her slight build; the man was taller with a slight paunch and ruddy complexion.   Jared hunched in on himself as he hugged the girls closer to him. For some reason he accepted the man sitting in the chair but the newcomers were dangerous. He had no idea why but they did not belong and the thought of them anywhere near his family sent a thrill of fear through him.

“I called for the nurse. They wanted to know when you woke up,” the man by the door said.

“Stay away from us,” Jared hissed, his harsh tone surprised the couple.

“Hey, we just wanted to come and introduce ourselves,” the paunchy man said defensively as he put an arm around the woman and drew her closer. “We didn’t have to bring them.”

“Bring them? They’re _my_ daughters! Keep the hell away from them,” Jared said fiercely.

“Papa, you said a swear,” Annabel gasped and she placed one of her tiny hands over Jared’s mouth.

“I’m sorry, Annie,” Jared said, instantly softening when he looked at his daughter. “I was upset but that’s no excuse.”

“It’s okay Papa. You’re sick right now and you said we say bad things when we’re sick sometimes,” Annabel said and hugged him gently.

Jared held her and fought the blush that crept over his fevered skin. He had told Beth and Annabel that when they had heard Tom groaning and panting while he was fucking Jared. Sometimes Tom got so carried away the filth that would pour out of his mouth was enough to make Jared blush like a schoolgirl. Luckily the girls had not heard much before Tom finished and promptly fell asleep. Moments later Annabel was creeping into their bedroom and Jared tried to explain why daddy had been swearing. It was not a conversation he had ever wanted to have with his children, especially when they were so young.

Annabel’s timely interruption seemed to have dispelled some of the tension in the room but Jared still kept glancing warily at the couple and the man’s defensive body language increased each time. It would not have surprised Jared if the guy took a swing at him before long. He looked the type to get frustrated at his own impotence and take it out on someone weaker. He found himself looking over the wife, looking for the tell-tale signs but seeing nothing. Maybe he was wrong, paranoid, but the thought of his children being around this guy sent a flare of panic fuelled anger through him. The guy in the chair obviously saw the situation beginning to escalate again.

“It’s okay,” the man in the chair said as he rose to come closer, putting himself in Jared’s line of sight, effectively blocking the couple from further abuse. “I’m gonna wait right over here ‘til the nurse comes, then we’ll take Beth and Annie, here outside while they talk to you.”

“No!” Jared cried, pulling the girls even tighter until they squirmed to get away. He tried to stand but the extra weight of Beth and Annabel in his already weakened state was too much for him.

“Trust me, kid. You don’t want them in here for this. You’ve been out for two days now.” Jared felt the blood drain from his face at the words.

Jared stared down at his girls, reassuring himself they were really there, before glancing warily up at Jeff. “You’re the guy from the diner,” he said, suspicion clear in his voice.

“Sure am. Jeffrey Dean Morgan, but everyone calls me Jeff. I own the place. No trouble for the last eight years and you show up and pass out. Had to get a friend of mine to haul your ass upstairs so you could rest. Next thing I know you’re hightailing it outta there in the middle of the night. You gave us quite a scare.”

“What are you doing here?” Jared tensed as a thought hit him. “Are you following us? What the f-, what do you want from us?”

“Hey, I’m not gonna hurt you, kid. I’ll explain everything when the doctor is done with you, okay? I promise you we’ll be right outside,” Jeff said, keeping his tone gentle. None of the tension eased from his body but Jared looked down at his girls and saw they looked calmer now.

“You said the nurse.”

“The nurse will check you over then call the doc to talk to you about your injuries.” Jeff caught the fear in Jared’s eyes and held up his hands. “They haven’t talked to anyone about your condition yet. I just gave ‘em your name.”

“And just how did you know that?” Jared asked with deadly calm. For the first time since he had fled Tom his higher brain functions were kicking in. He was not in a position to force his way out. He had to bide his time and get as much information as possible. If this guy, Jeff, had been in contact with Tom he needed to know. The intense looks and understanding smiles certainly implied he knew more than he was letting on.

“Found your wallet at my place. Looks like you forgot to pick it up in your haste to leave,” Jeff replied smoothly.

“And who exactly are those two?” Jared asked, taking in what Jeff had said and jabbing a thumb in the direction of the couple by the door. They were looking more nervous now than they had while he was shouting.

“It’s okay, Papa,” Beth whispered. “You were sick and we couldn’t make it better so Jeff got you some medicine. Said we needed to be real good and let you rest but you didn’t wake up so he brought us here. He’s nice,” she said as if her word was final, and to be honest, it usually was.

“We didn’t wanna go but they made us go with Mr and Mrs Walker,” Annabel chimed in. “But we came back.  Every day.”

“Mrs Walker makes muffins every morning. We were gonna bring some,” Beth continued. 

“But they said you can’t eat muffins.  Why can’t you eat muffins, papa?”

 Sometimes it was hard to tell when one had stopped talking and the other started, they just carried on each other’s sentences.  It was that more than anything else that really told Jared they were okay.

The nurse came bustling in a moment later and scolded the girls for getting into bed with their father. Jared glared at her but reluctantly loosened his grip. He watched as they headed back to Jeff rather than the foster parents they had been staying with. Jared was not sure what to make of it. His girls were good judges of character usually, though Annabel got attached much quicker than Beth. Still, Jared could not quash the feeling of unease when he looked around the room of strangers. Somehow, he was supposed to entrust these people with the care of his children.

Jared flinched as the nurse grabbed his arm to check his IV and the various monitors attached to him. She loosened her grip but still kept the steadying hand where it was. In moments he was arranged properly and her cursory inspection was over. For the first time she gave Jared a small smile and gently squeezed his arm once more.

“Looks like you’re on the mend but I’ll send the doctor through in a moment so she can talk you through everything.” She stopped as she reached the doorway and turned to look at all of Jared’s visitors. “Don’t wear him out, y’hear? Or you’ll only keep him here longer.” She took a longer look round the room and noticed the uneasiness of the couple and the growth of stubble on Jeff’s jaw. “Y’all look like you need more rest than him!” she huffed as she left them to it.

The twins hopped back onto the bed the instant the nurse left the room. They snuggled closer into Jared and he let himself forget everything but the feel of them in his arms. The world fell away. There was no hospital, no foster parents to take Beth and Annabel away from him when visiting hours were over, no stranger that had taken them in and no _Tom._  In that instant Jared could forget how royally screwed he was and let everything be perfect. It was always perfect when his little girls were in his arms, content and safe.

In no time there was a polite cough at the doorway. The Walkers moved aside and a youngish woman with short, dark hair stood there in her crisp white coat. She carried Jared’s chart but did not glance at it as she looked him over from a distance. She did not try and separate him from the girls; instead she smiled down at them when they peeked out from where they had been buried in Jared’s chest.

“Well Mr Padalecki, you’ve been responding very well to the treatment,” she said with kind efficiency as she finally flipped open the chart. “We were getting a little worried when you didn’t wake up but given the extent of your injuries and the way you pushed yourself it’s likely your body just needed the chance to recover.” The doctor walked to check on the monitors surrounding him and made a few notes. “I’m Dr Forrester. There are a few things I need to go over with you and then you need to rest.”

Jeff took his cue from the meaningful look Dr Forrester gave Beth and Annabel. “How ‘bout I take you two and get something nice for your Papa. Saw a gift shop with a giraffe. You think a giraffe would be as tall as your Papa?”

Annabel giggled and jumped off the bed into Jeff’s arms.  Jared had to stop himself from pulling her back. Jeff was right. Jared knew he was in bad shape and the less his children knew the better. It didn’t make it any easier to watch them leave with another man. The fear that had been kept at bay for so long rose in him until he thought he would be sick. He wanted to scream. He needed his girls back in his arms or he would go mad. They were the only ones he had left in the world and the moment they left his sight it was like his heart had been torn out and thrown to the dogs.

“Don’t be silly!” Annabel admonished as they headed out of the room. “Papa‘s a giant but g’raffes go up forever,” she said, standing on tip-toe and raising her hand as high as she could but still only coming up to the middle of Jeff’s torso.

“They do not!” Beth argued. “Daddy put me up on his shoulders when we saw one at the zoo. Papa was too tired to pick Annabel up,” Beth told Jeff as if to excuse her sister’s ignorance.

“Doesn’t matter,” Annabel grumbled, “still know Papa’s not as tall as a g’rafffe.”

Beth nodded and hugged her sister as they rounded the corner. “It’s not your fault you couldn’t see properly, Annie. Papa would have picked you up too if he coulda,” Beth said comfortingly but Annabel just scowled.

“You coulda let me have a turn with daddy too.”

“I’m the oldest, I get first go. Not my fault you couldn’t see!” Beth retorted.

“Hey, girls. I bet there’s plenty more trips to the zoo in your futures so why don’t we go find something for your Papa. Okay?” Jeff said and the girls nodded meekly. “Anyway, with such a tall Papa I wouldn’t be surprised if _you_ end up taller than a giraffe!” The girls giggled and started trying to make themselves as tall as possible, stretching their necks and standing on tiptoe. 

Jared glared at Jeff as the man threw a last, comforting smile in his direction. Jared just hoped his look said _hurt them, try to take them away or let anything at all happen to them and you are a dead man._

The doctor waited until everyone had left the room. Jared had no idea when the Walkers had made themselves scarce but there was nothing but relief that they had.

“You took a lot of damage, Mr Padalecki. I’m surprised you made it as far as you did,” Dr Forrester said, giving him an assessing look which made Jared squirm. “You have a couple of broken ribs that will heal okay with rest, though it will take longer than usual considering the amount of stress you put your body under. It took a while for us to set them properly and you need to keep them as still as possible while they heal.” 

She glared at him at that and Jared hunched in on himself. He hated hospitals. There was only one reason he would go willingly and that was to see his brother – it was part of the reason he hated hospitals so much. Right now the smell alone was enough to make him nauseous even without the pain of his injuries or the adrenalin come-down.

He stayed silent as the doctor started checking him more thoroughly than the nurse had done. He was not deliberately making things difficult for her but every time he was being examined he just checked out, went someplace else in his head until it was all over. It was too much. Too many memories bombarded him so he retreated to a place none of that could touch him. Even so, it had never been this bad before. He had been out for two days. Even after the crash he had been out of hospital within a few weeks and the only time he had been unconscious when was when they had put him under. The thought scared him beyond measure. What had they done to him?

“Most of the bruising is going down but you’re going to be stiff and sore for at least a week and I don’t want you doing anything strenuous in that time. I don’t even want you tying your own shoelaces. Got it?” she asked, though it was more of an order.

Dr Forrester finally stopped her examination and stood by his side. She had the same sympathetic but distant look the doctor had worn after he had come out of surgery, after the baby. His heart sped up and the beeps on the monitor alerted her to his growing anxiety.

“It’s okay Mr Padalecki,” she said soothingly as she took in the altered readings. “You’re going to be fine. I would prefer to have seen your injuries a little sooner and the fever had us concerned but we started the antibiotics as soon as possible and it looks like we caught the infection in time.”

“Infection?” Jared asked. He remembered feeling hot and dizzy but he thought that was the result of the pain meds and the adrenalin rush he had been high on for the majority of the night. After sitting down in the diner everything was a little fuzzy. He remembered waking up in a strange place and the panic making it even harder to breathe. He remembered driving until dawn but not where they had gone or why he felt the need to escape. “Where’s Tom?”

“Tom?” Dr Forrester asked, puzzled. “The man that brought you in was Mr Jeffrey Morgan. Do we need to contact someone else?” She flipped through his chart once more until her face cleared. “Oh, Tom.  We have a Mr Thomas Welling as your emergency contact? Looks like someone finally managed to track him down. We called him this morning so he should be here by tomorrow’s visiting hours.”

The thought of anyone calling Tom had him breaking out in a cold sweat but he could not remember why, only that breathing had just gotten a lot harder. “No,” he whispered, shaking his head weakly but he was not sure if she even noticed.

“Apparently he was pretty worried about you. Had no idea where you were.” Dr Forrester looked at him with the same clinical detachment that Jared had become familiar with. Sometimes it meant they had seen more than the current injuries. “He wants to see you as soon as he gets here tomorrow but now you’re awake it’s entirely up to you.” 

Her tone did not change, nor her look but Jared thought for an instant she understood and she would help him. Then the despair hit once more. She did not know Tom. No matter what she did or thought right now, two minutes in his company and that would all change. It always did. He had a way of wearing you down until he got exactly what he wanted.

“Look Mr Padalecki - Jared, you were in pretty bad shape when Mr Morgan brought you in. There was severe bruising to your chest, stomach and back as well as two cracked ribs. We thought one might have punctured a lung but the x-ray was clear and your oxygen levels evened out pretty quickly. The fever was what concerned us most. You were running a temperature of 105.” The woman paused, considering her next words carefully. “There was some internal tearing, Jared. We had to put a couple of stitches into your rectum, though they should heal with no further trouble so long as you are careful. As the injuries weren’t seen to right away they became infected.”

Jared blushed and paled as the doctor spoke. Memories of the last few days - well the days he actually remembered - hit him. Tom pushing into him as he threatened to take Beth and Annabel away for good, the hateful words being spewed into his ear as Tom tore at him. “ _The only reason I put up with you this long is your tight ass. But I could get a whore like you any time I wanted. Maybe I should just take_ my _girls and go. Wouldn’t want them around a fucking pussy like you anyway. Can’t even get being a_ Mommy _right can you?”_  Tom kicking and hitting him because of what Jared had made him do. It was always like that but usually Tom would break down and Jared would comfort him, make it alright again. Tom never usually let his temper get so far out of control. It was like he had been capable of anything.

Another shudder swept through him and the doctor laid a gentle hand on his arm. The muscles bunched under her touch but he fought the automatic recoil at the contact.

“We had to give you a rape kit. We should have the results by morning.  And the police want to talk to you about your injuries when you’re up to it. Do you remember anything about what happened to you?” Jared shook his head. “Jared, we managed to get hold of your medical records. There are older injuries. Most of them can be attributed to the crash you had when you were eighteen but not all of them. Is there anything you can tell me? Anything you want to talk about?”

Jared shrugged and shook his head. When Dr Forrester made no move to speak again he said “Some people are pretty intolerant where I come from.”

“Because you’re a birth father? I know it’s unusual and people have some strange ideas about it but did you really get beaten and raped because of it?”

Jared shrugged again and made an abortive move of his head that could have been interpreted as anything even as his panic grew.

“When can I get out of here?” he asked.

“That depends. We want to you finish the course of antibiotics at least. You need time to rest and heal.”

“No, sooner. I can’t stay here. I can’t,” Jared gasped on the verge of hyperventilating,

“Calm down, Mr Padalecki. Jared! Please, I need you to breathe.”

“Can’t stay, can’t, can’t, can’t. I have to get out of here!”

“Okay, please just breathe. I’ll see what I can arrange but I need you to lay back and try to calm down. We might be able to release you early so long as you have someone to look after you. Mr Welling will be here tomorrow so if you rest you should be well enough for him to take you and your daughters home.”

The despair that had been his constant companion flared into life again. They were going to send him back to Tom. They would send him back and there was nothing he could do. And what if Tom was still angry? What would he do? Would he just leave Jared and take their daughters like he threatened? The questions ran through his head on an ever quickening loop, not leaving him any time to figure out an answer.

“Mr Padalecki?” the voice came from a distance. “Jared? I’m going to give you an injection. It will help you calm down. You need to keep calm right now so your body can heal.” Jared felt himself go fuzzy at the edges as his vision tunnelled. He felt woozy and light, separated from the pain in his body.

“Annie,” he whispered as the world faded, “Beth.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> descriptions of rape and physical and verbal abuse in flashbacks


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT 17/05/2019: This was posted as chapter 2 yesterday in error. This now the correct chapter 3 but you may need to go back and read the previous chapter to fill in some blanks.
> 
> See end notes for possible triggers and let me know if there is anything else you think should be added

Jensen cursed as the phone in the office continued to ring. Chris was supposed to be in there filling out the paperwork for Mrs Baxter’s tire change ready for when she came to pick it up later. Jensen hated being interrupted when he was under the hood of any car, let alone the scant few hours he had with his baby. The Impala had been a wreck when he had first seen her but there was something about her that just begged to be saved. Now he used every minute he could spare getting her running.

Jensen slid out from under the car where he had been checking the fuel lines and wiped his hands on his grimy overalls. He ran a loving hand over the sleek body almost absently as he headed for the office. Chris was going to be in so much shit when he got back.  Unless he brought coffee. Coffee was the only way Chris could avoid getting fired.

“8-Ball’s Auto,” Jensen said as pleasantly as he could when he picked up, praying it was not a last minute customer.

“ _Well aren’t you just a ray of sunshine this afternoon,”_ the familiar voice said, laughing down the phone.

“What do you want, Jeff? I was working here.”

_“You mean the Impala. You’re never this upset if you get disturbed working on a regular car.”_

“You still didn’t answer my question, Jeff,” Jensen prodded with a reluctant smile. Only Jeff could change Jensen’s mood so quickly.

 _“I need a favour,”_ Jeff said after a pause, all humour gone from his voice. Jensen frowned at the sudden change in Jeff’s tone. _“A kid came into the diner yesterday. He was in pretty bad shape but still drove off. Anyway, long story short, he’s in the hospital and not likely to be getting out any time soon. Would you mind picking his car up and storing it at your place until he can come get it?”_

“What’s the deal, Jeff? Some random stray ends up in hospital and you’re taking responsibility for him? It’s not exactly your usual MO.”

_“You didn’t see the kid, Jen. There’s just something about him, makes me wanna help him out. He needs a friend right now and something tells me that’s the one thing he’s short on. I don’t know exactly what’s wrong with him but he’s got the look of someone in a real bad situation.”_

Jensen felt his heart twist. Jeff always had a way of seeing the things you tried to keep most hidden and damn, if he wasn’t nearly always right. It had been the same when Jeff had come back from his last tour to find Jensen in the worst mess of his life. He had managed to fool everyone else that he was okay, that he was coping, but Jeff took one look and saw the bullshit for what it was. Jeff had insisted Jensen help him set up the diner before returning the favour with 8-Ball’s. So, if Jeff said this kid needed the Jeffrey Dean Morgan touch, who was he to argue?

“You sure it’s something you want to get caught up in? If he’s as bad as you say, you might be better off out of it,” Jensen said, his concern palpable across the phone line.

_“I know what you’re thinking Jensen, but I’m pretty sure it ain’t drugs or gangs, but he’s runnin’ from something and I just want to make sure he can handle it before I cut him loose.”_

“Fine, where is it?” Jensen said gruffly after a while. If Jeff really wanted his help he should count himself lucky the only thing he wanted was a tow. He heard Jeff let out a breath in relief.

“ _Just outside Dallas.”_

 _“_ Jesus, Jeff!” Jensen exclaimed. “That’s a six hour round trip even without the tow.”

“ _Jensen, you know I wouldn’t ask but I can’t leave him like this._ ”

“You drove all the way to Dallas for this guy? You seriously owe me, dude.”

_“I know, now move your butt or it’ll be midnight before you get back. I’ll even let you put a couple of beers on my tab.”_

“Yeah, like Sam ever makes you pay it. How that woman stays in business with you around I’ll never know.”

Jeff laughed down the receiver and the familiar rumble was as soothing as ever. Whatever was going on with Jeff, Jensen was glad he was still laughing. As they were saying goodbye Jensen heard a childlike giggle and a faint squeal of delight. It hit him like a blow to the chest, like always. Somehow he always fooled himself into thinking it was getting easier and it was when he was prepared. But this was so unexpected it just made him think about what he had lost.

Jensen shook off the feeling as best he could and jotted down a note for Chris. He had a grim feeling of satisfaction that once more Chris would be left to fend for himself when Mrs Baxter came to pick up her car. In five minutes he had everything he needed and was heading out onto the open road. Six hours to clear his head and decide what the Impala needed doing next.

 

*****

It took a while to find the car. It was a regular Toyota Camry, bright red but the paint was faded with age. It had to be at least ten years old if not closer to twenty. Jensen wondered at it still going but one look told him it was well cared for. It brought a smile to his face and Jensen knew the guy who owned this car had at least one thing going for him.

It reminded him of another car, almost the same colour, a little older, a little more beat up but still loved. Jensen had fixed that one up too, kept it going, kept her purring. Not that it mattered in the end. She had gone the way of all cars – crushed after the crash, a twisted wreck of metal that perfectly reflected what his life had become.   Jensen had seen it right after. He had almost passed out when he saw the buckled frame and shattered glass. There had been blood everywhere and Jensen had not been able to comprehend that anyone had survived. In the end not one part of the car had been worth saving, especially when it had reminded him of how much he had lost.

Jensen had no idea why it was so easy to slip into those memories. For so long he had kept them at bay but now, ever since that day last week when he thought he saw Jared, nothing seemed to work. He had gone to the city overnight. He had sized up the bar and danced the night away with some guy about the right height and build when it suddenly dawned on him what he was doing. Every time it was the same, might as well have been the same nameless guy he fucked senseless and left sleeping before the sun was up.  He thought back on all the faces that had looked up at him over the years. They had almost the same soulful hazel eyes he remembered watching mature over five blissful years. The eyes he had gazed into every day for two whole years of that time. The eyes that haunted his dreams and were superimposed onto his random fucks over the last ten years. No one had come close, not before and not since.

They were halfway to his motel room when he pulled the guy to a stop, barely keeping the contents of his stomach down. This particular hookup had been pissed his sure thing was backing out but there was no way Jensen could follow through once he realised. 

The sun had set since he had been standing wallowing in pointless memories. It made it harder to hook up the tow bar but Jensen could do it blindfold if necessary, though why it would be was a mystery. He slipped into the driver’s seat and realised with surprise that the guy Jeff was looking after had to be taller than he was and, topping six foot, that was not exactly common. 

There were toys and a few clothes strewn in the back. They all looked so tiny, mostly pink and white with bits of yellow thrown in. Jensen fingered one of the fluffy pink sweaters and smiled sadly. So the guy had a little girl. That must have been who Jensen had heard on the phone. Jeff had not told him, warned him about what he might find in the car. Maybe he had not realised the kid’s things were scattered around in the back. Maybe he had wanted to spare Jensen, but this just made it harder. Why the hell had Jeff asked him to do this?

Jensen took a deep breath and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. There was no point. He had mourned his loss for ten years. Jeff was right. He never said it directly but Jensen knew. It was time to move on.   It was time to start living again, not dwelling on a past he could not change no matter how much he wanted to. His baby was gone and much as he wished he could have died in her place there was nothing to do but carry on.

Without another glance at the interior of the car Jensen slipped off the handbrake and got her ready to go. There was another three hours of driving without respite from his thoughts. It was going to be a long trip home.

 

*****

Jared sat in bed as he waited for the nurse to finish checking his vitals. He actually felt halfway to normal this morning and was itching to get out of the hospital for good. He had spoken to the police that morning after the doctor had visited him again. They asked about the injuries and what had happened to him. The familiar lies teetered on the tip of his tongue but he bit them back. How could he explain what looked like rape to the police without letting them know the truth? How on earth could he tell them and watch as their mouths sneered at him in distain? In the end he took the easy route. “ _I don’t remember.”_  Every question pushing for details was answered the same way. He could see the doubt in the officers’ eyes, see the disgust at his weakness for allowing it to happen. He saw how much they despised him. He knew what to look for, was used to seeing it in the eyes of everyone who passed. A birth father who was less than a woman but not worthy of being called a man. A man pathetic enough to let something like this happen to him.

Social Services would be next, questioning his ability to look after his own children. If they knew they would blame him or think he was unbalanced, either way they would take Beth and Annabel away. He realised with perfect clarity that if they tried to send his daughters back to Tom he would go with them willingly. He would do anything it took to stay with them and he would do it gladly.

The tears slid down his face as he prepared himself for the worst. Tom would be there in a few hours and they would be on their way back to San Antonio soon after. Jared choked on the fear that rose like bile and thought only about his girls. They loved their daddy and Jared would never want to take that away from them. Sobs wracked him in the echoing silence of the hospital room.  If anyone heard they left him alone, but Jared was used to hiding and he doubted anyone noticed his despair. He doubted anyone would even care.

After a while he pulled out the rumpled AMA form he had snagged the night before on the pretext of finding a bathroom. He had still been shaky on his feet and almost immediately ushered back to his room but feeling the paper firmly in his grip gave him strength. He knew how to fill out the form, Tom had helped him a couple of times when a particularly misplaced punch or kick had exacerbated an old injury. They liked to keep you in with a medical history like his but the old injuries also made it easier to hide the damage that piled on top. In a few minutes it was done. All he had to do was wait for Beth and Annabel and get out of there.

Within an hour they were there. They jumped up onto his bed and wrapped themselves around him. They were more gentle this time, like someone had explained that their Papa was sick and they had to be careful not to hurt him. His body was glad but he still wished his girls had been left in the dark. He wanted to have them wrapped around him so tightly it was like they were a part of him again, never to be separated.

The Walkers actually came into the room this time and smiled a little at him when they realised he was not planning on attacking them right that second. Beth and Annabel excitedly told him about the tabby cat that had just had a litter next door to the Walkers’ and how they had been able to hold them and play with them when they had left the hospital. Jared smiled sadly. He knew the joys of having pets, his own two dogs, Harley and Sadie, had passed away seven years ago and he had never gotten any more no matter how much he would have loved to. He had been pregnant at the time and after that Tom had insisted it would be bad for Jared and for the babies for there to be animals running around. It was sensible enough, especially when the girls were very young but as they grew up the idea of getting a pet was never mentioned so it never became an issue.

“They were so _tiny,_ Papa!” Annabel exclaimed excitedly, bouncing on her heels as she knelt at the bottom of the bed. “They kept climbing all over each other so they could get to us.”

“But there were six of them,” Beth chimed in, “so we couldn’t stroke them all at once.”

“I could hold Smokey in one hand! That was the littlest one and he was all grey and white. He was the most beautifullest.”

“You’re only saying that ‘cause they said you could keep him!”

Annabel glared at Beth as her sister realised what she had said. Real fear welled up in her eyes and tears began to fall. Jared stared at her in bewilderment. The subject of pets had never come up so what had caused Beth and Annabel to be afraid?

Jared pulled Beth closer to him, wiping at her eyes gently and looking at Annabel where she hunched into herself at the bottom of the bed. “What’s up Munchkin? Why are you so upset?”

“I’m sorry Papa,” Beth gulped out through her silent tears.

“Why?” he asked, still unsure what was going on. “What’s wrong?”

“Daddy told us your doggies died and that you were real sad.” Annabel said, her voice small in the sterile room.

“When did Daddy tell you about Harley and Sadie?” Jared asked puzzled. The girls were not even born when they had died.

“We found a picture of them in a book. They looked funny so I asked Daddy where they were, we wanted to meet them. Daddy told us and said if we got more you wouldn’t be able to love us as much and we wouldn’t love you anymore.”

“He said there was only so much love you could give someone, that’s why you didn’t get another dog after Harley and Sadie, and you’d think we didn’t want you any more if we asked for a dog or a cat,” Beth added as she buried her head in Jared’s chest.

“We do want you Papa!” Annabel exclaimed. “We don’t want no cat. Please don’t send us away.”

Jared felt the tears well up in his own eyes. All this time Tom had been manipulating them all. He had played them just so he could get his own way and Jared had let him, had never questioned. He secured Beth in his arm and held out the free one to Annabel who dived into his embrace instantly. “I couldn’t love you any less if I tried. And I’m not going anywhere. In fact, we’re leaving today. Mr and Mrs Walker have been very kind letting you stay with them but tonight it’s just gonna be us. Okay?” Jared whispered so only they could hear.

The girls nodded and Annabel started sucking her thumb. The Walkers were still watching from the doorway and Jared caught their concerned looks. He saw the pity and the curiosity. How could a guy as big as him end up like this? How could a guy like him let this happen to his children? Those were questions Jared had asked himself a thousand times and still had no answers for, at least no good ones.

Instead Jared smiled weakly over at them. “It’s been a tough few days for them,” he said over the girls’ heads, the long brown hair soft under his touch. The couple nodded understandingly and Jared fought down the slightly hysterical laughter that welled up in him. “I’m sure they’ve been running you ragged. I know how much it takes out of you to deal with these bundles of energy.” This time Jared did laugh at the twin huffs he received from both sides. “Why don’t you grab yourselves a coffee? Sit down and get a little rest.”

“Not sure we should be the ones resting, Mr Padalecki,” Mrs Walker said with a small smile. Jared felt himself torn between hating her for her obvious security and wanting to return that smile because she seemed so genuinely sweet. But genuineness was usually the first sign of a good conman as Jared had bitterly realised.

“I’ll be fine and my girls are the sweetest in the world. We’ll just lay here and catch up. Maybe you guys can tell me more about these kittens,” he said tuning back to the girls. “I’ve already heard about Smokey, there are five others left.”

Jared felt Beth and Annabel perk up at that and they started to have a silent battle over who would get to tell Papa about the newborn kittens. They had always had the knack of communicating without words. He and Tom had tried just about everything to get them to talk in the first place and once they did...well, they could have given Jared a run for his money back in the day!

“Come on, Hannah. Let’s give ‘em a break for a while. Be good to get some caffeine,” Mr Walker cajoled. In a few moments they were heading out of the room in the opposite direction of the exit. Mrs Walker cast one last look behind her before allowing herself to be dragged down the corridor. Jared thought he caught a glimpse of real concern, not just for the girls but for him too, and he gave her a small half-smile as she went.

Jared held his breath as he watched them go. He waited a full five minutes after to make sure they were gone before he urged Beth and Annabel up. They looked up at him in confusion. The first time he had seen them look at him like that was a few hours after the birth. He was so tired and for a moment he though he was seeing double. He smile softly at the memory and felt them relax in response. “Come on Munchkin, Annie. Papa’s feeling a lot better today. I think it’s time we went for a walk, don’t you?”

Annabel hopped off the bed instantly and skipped over to get her coat. Beth looked up at Jared and got the pout that just meant trouble. “I’m fine, Munchkin. I hate the thought of being away from you so why don’t we get out of here and find a motel for a coupla days. I can get some rest and spend all my time with my two favourite girls.”

“You said a walk, Papa. I don’t think Mr and Mrs Walker would like it if you just left.” Trust Beth to be the logical one. Annabel seemed to be the one that had inherited his easygoing nature while Beth had such solemnity about her. Sometimes Jared had a hard time knowing what to tell her, she seemed to see through all his attempts at evasion or half-truth. But how could Jared begin to explain what was going on? He would put that one off as long as possible.

Annabel was bundled up before Beth was off the bed and looked up to see what was taking so long. Jared sat up fully and grimaced at the stiffness in his entire body. It felt like forever before he was dressed in the stinking clothes he had been wearing for at least forty-eight hours. They were encrusted with dry sweat and blood and other things he did not want to think about.  Jared wondered how Beth and Annabel could stand the smell. Still there was no other option. He had to get out of here and there was no way he could do it naked, which was actually preferable to the open-backed gown they had him in.

A groan escaped him as he bent to don his boots. There was no way he could get them on in the state he was in. Beth frowned at him and knelt at his feet. She loosened the laces with her small hand and held it open for him to step into. Once they were on she stood and looked up at him, the frown still firmly in place. Jared could see the accusation, the “ _I know you’re not okay, Papa”_ but most of all the trust still shining through.

He ruffled her hair and laughed silently as she batted his hand away and huffed. “Come on. Let’s go find a way out of here,” he said lightly and walked unsteadily to the door. He gritted his teeth against the pain in his ribs and ass and the throbbing ache everywhere else. Jared clutched the papers in his hand and walked up to the desk. Every time anyone came close he subtly changed directions to avoid contact, one less way to get caught by anyone handling his case.

The nurse gave him a surprised look when she checked his form. He knew the chart suggested he should not be able to stand let alone walk out under his own steam, but the form was filled out correctly and there was nothing she could do to stop him. The girls crowded close to him and he gently stroked their heads and marvelled at how much they took after him as he waited for the nurse to process the paperwork. None of his inner nervousness was betrayed in his face but he felt the tension thrumming through his body as the seconds ticked by.

Jared knew it was selfish to use his children for comfort but there was no way he could break the physical link with them and not fall to pieces. He only hoped they could not sense the extent of his turmoil. They had always been acutely aware of how he was feeling and he never usually let them see him when he was hurting, not that it was always possible. They had always been close and Jared could never keep them away when they wanted him.

It was a mystery what made Jared turn at that instant. Perhaps the familiar purr of the engine or a reflection in the corner of his eye. All he remembered was seeing the sleek black Mercedes pull up outside the entrance. A moment later a lean, tall body with the familiar thick mass of black hair was sliding out of the driver’s seat and waving off the security guard’s request that he move it.

Jared paled instantly and a wave of dizziness almost sent him spiralling into darkness. Part of him wanted to laugh. No one told Tom what to do, did the guy not know that? It did not matter if Tom got a ticket or the car got towed, he would get it back the next day without having to pay a penny.  _He was Tom_ fucking _Welling and the world had better watch out ‘cause he was the next big thing._ Tom was always so sure he could take on anything that was thrown at him through sheer force of personality. He was usually right. Everyone knew Tom Welling. The doting father and respectable family man who was not afraid to make the hard choices. Tom Welling, the people’s favourite candidate for Governor and standing fifteen feet away.

Jared whipped round as the nurse handed him his copy. She caught the sudden pallor and opened her mouth to ask if he was okay but Jared got in before her.

“I think I missed lunch checking out this early. You got a canteen we can grab a bite before we go?” he asked smoothly, not daring to glance back over his shoulder but constantly feeling the phantom pinpricks of eyes watching him. Any moment he expected to hear Tom calling out to him, pulling him into a relieved hug. Fear and compassion would show on his face but the hug would be a little too hard on his beaten frame. He would ask who had done this to him and Jared would cry on his shoulder. Beth and Annabel would cling to their daddy and Tom would scoop them up with ease.

The nurse nodded and directed them away from Tom where he stood arguing with the guard, well it was more like a friendly dispute the way Tom was encouraging the guy to sympathise with his barely controlled anxiety. Even now part of Jared wanted to be wrapped in those strong arms, to wipe away the worry and take whatever he deserved for putting it there in the first place.

The fear was paramount though, the urge to flee still too strong. Jared herded the girls in the direction the nurse had pointed and found the first empty room to hide in. He sank on one of the beds and breathed again for the first time since he had seen Tom. He had to time this perfectly. He had minutes between Tom being told which room he was in and the discovery that he was no longer there.

Beth and Annabel just looked confused. “I thought we were going to get some food Papa?” Annabel asked.

“We were, Annie. I just needed to have a little rest first,” Jared whispered. “Then I thought it would be more fun to find a diner. You can have pancakes again if you want.”

“Are we going back to Jeff’s diner?” Annabel asked excitedly. “He makes the best pancakes ever! And he promised I could help him this time!”

“I’m sorry Annie. We can’t go back there. We have to head into Dallas right now.”

“It’s not fair!” Annabel scowled and Jared saw the signs of a temper tantrum coming on. It had been a while since she had had one but he was amazed she had held out this long considering everything that had happened in the last few days.

“I know, Annie. I’m sorry but I promise we’ll go back and see Jeff soon, okay? We need to go to Dallas for a while and then maybe we can head back in a coupla weeks. I’m sure Jeff’s offer will still be good then.” Jared hated telling these half-truths to his girls. The last thing Jared expected to do was go back to that town or see any of its inhabitants again. Hell, he could not even remember the name of the place. Still, it seemed to do the trick and Annabel started to perk up a little.

Jared cautiously led them out of the room and surreptitiously looked for Tom while keeping out of sight. For someone who towered above most of the population he was remarkably good at going unnoticed. But he did not doubt Tom would recognise him instantly and he wanted to stop Annabel and Beth from seeing him at all costs. They missed their daddy and Jared knew they would be excited to see him. There was no way he could explain to them why they should avoid Tom when he was right there. The explanation Jared had given them would not stop his daughters if they saw him now. How could he tell his children to run from their father? Would he? Part of him still yearned for the security of Tom’s arms even if it was those same arms that could cause so much hurt.  At least with Tom he knew the rules, knew why he deserved the things Tom did to him.

Luckily, they were questions he would not have to answer right now; Tom was nowhere in sight and Jared walked slowly but steadily for the door. He did not try to hide or avoid the people milling around, it only brought more notice. He walked completely naturally, holding Beth and Annabel’s hands while keeping every sense honed for Tom or his doctor. It did not take much, everyone was lost in their own world of misery or fear. The atmosphere was one of controlled bustle and subdued emotion where everyone tried to hide what they were feeling from each other. Jared gave an internal, twisted smile. He could almost feel at home here.

The light was harsh on his eyes when Jared and the girls finally headed outside. He was used to the artificial lights that never wavered. The heat and golden glow of the sun was a welcome relief. He stood and drank it in for a long moment. Jared caught himself and started walking again and fear made his heart stutter: had those few wasted seconds been too long? The warm breeze against his skin made him shiver even as sweat started to bead on his forehead. He pulled his jacket tighter around him and hunched his shoulders. Beth and Annabel walked quietly by his side.  All Jared could think about was getting away from the black Mercedes parked in front of the hospital. Black hair and blue eyes had haunted his nightmares for days and now they were within feet of him. Jared picked a direction and walked. He had no idea where his car was but that could wait. Once they were away from the hospital he would ask the girls and see if they could remember where Jared had stopped, where Jeff had found them.

“Thanks Jen. ‘Preciate it.”

The whiskey rough voice was familiar and Jared forced himself to keep walking even as every muscle tensed. Jeffrey Dean Morgan was standing a few feet away from them talking to his wife or girlfriend or whatever. If he saw them now, would he try and force Jared back to the hospital? Would Jared be able to stop him? He was so close. Ten more minutes and Jared would have been out of there and lost in the streets of Dallas.

Annabel had heard too, she was the same side as Jeff. She tugged at Jared’s hand and tried to forcibly pull Jared over to the older man.

“Papa! It’s Jeff! He came to see you again.” Beth looked round at her sister’s exclamation.

“Jeff!” she called as she too began to drag Jared over.

“If it ain’t the little monsters!” Jeff said as he turned to them, flipping his cell closed. He dropped to his knee and held his arms out. Beth and Annabel almost knocked him over as they barrelled into him but he held firm and laughed at their enthusiasm. “What are you two doing out here?” he asked as he looked up at Jared.

Jared was scowling down at him, his hands balled into fists as he fought the urge to punch Jeff and pull his babies away from the man.

He settled for gently prising them from Jeff with the older man’s help and hugging them close. He was so focused on his girls he missed the sad smile that lingered on Jeff’s face as he looked down at them.

“I taught you better than that,” Jared whispered softly to them, making sure Jeff could not hear. “You never run away from me no matter what. What if there had been traffic or something? And you barely know this man. He’s a stranger and you just run right up to him?”

“Jeff’s not a stranger!” Annabel huffed as if Jared should know better and she struggled to get out of her father’s arms. “He played with us when you were sleeping! He’s nice.”

“And you promised we’d go back and see him, Papa,” Beth chimed in. They were both on the verge of crying and Jared found himself holding back his own tears. Jeff had been nothing but good to them so how could he explain the instinctive flight reaction. Jared did not trust him, could not, no matter how much he might want to.

Jeff stood there watching them and Jared felt the apology rising involuntarily in his eyes. He had nothing against the man in front of him except the threat he posed to his family. Jeff just returned the look with the same equanimity he had shown in all their other dealings. Impassive but caring, never pushing Jared either way.

“Jared!”

The call came from the entrance of the hospital. Jared did not need to turn to know who it was. He blanched in horror, his eyes going wide. He would have fallen if not for the strong arms that held him up. Beth and Annabel had turned at the call, their eyes shining as they saw the familiar sight of their father.

“Daddy! Papa, daddy’s here!” Annabel shouted and looked about ready to run off but Jared’s warning of a moment ago was still fresh in her mind. Beth held Annabel’s hand tightly. They were taut with excitement and trepidation. They stared between their fathers in indecision, but neither girl made a move towards Tom.

“Jared! Jared, wait! Baby, I’ve come to take you home.”

Jared fought to remember to breathe as he waited for the heavy heat of Tom’s hand on his shoulder. He leaned on Jeff for support even as he tried to fight the man off. Everything was too close, too warm. The warm, spicy scent of Jeff’s aftershave clogged his lungs and he beat weakly at the chest holding him up.

“Come on Beth, Annabel. We need to get your Papa somewhere he can rest.” Jeff’s voice seemed to come from down a long tunnel but the urgency and concern that edged the words were reassuring. Jeff would help him get his girls away from Tom. Jeff was stronger than Jared could ever hope to be.

“Daddy will help him. He’s right there,” Annabel said softly, confusion and fear in her face. “Are you going to take us away? I told Papa you wouldn’t do that.”

“I’m not taking you away, Annie,” Jeff said softly. “Your Papa’s still sick and he doesn’t want your daddy to see him like that. We’ll all take him to my motel room where he can rest. When your Papa wakes up you can decide what to do then.”

Jared finally relaxed in Jeff’s arms. He beckoned weakly to the girls and let himself be guided to the battered pickup. Beth and Annabel reluctantly followed after and squeezed in beside him, twisting to look at their daddy through the rear window as Jeff brought the engine to roaring life.

As Jared slipped into unconsciousness, he thought he heard Tom calling after him.

“Jared! Jared, come back! Please, baby!” Tom called out, desperation colouring his tone for the first time as his lover disappeared out of sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References to domestic violence and abuse including rape


	5. Chapter 4

Jeff sat slumped in the chair after closing up the diner. It had been nearly a week since they had run from the hospital and Jeff still could not get the look of conflicted terror on Jared’s face out of his mind. If he had not been convinced before that would have done it. The guy from the hospital was bad news and any injuries Jared had, not that he knew the full extent of them, had been inflicted by that bastard.

Jeff had seen him when he pulled up but had not taken too much notice as he had been listening to Jensen bitch about the trip he had made to Dallas to pick up the “piece of crap car no one in their right mind would own”, before telling him he had given it the full spa treatment courtesy of 8-Ball’s Autos.  But Jeff noticed cars almost as much as he noticed people and that car had all the shine of someone completely obsessed with appearance. The spotless black body with shining chrome detailing and tinted windows. He knew what the guy driving it would be like before he even stepped out of the car and he had not been disappointed. 

He had been tall; even from a distance Jeff could tell that much. He probably topped Jeff’s six foot two. The overlong, wavy black hair was groomed to perfection, the suit he wore, immaculate and he had oozed refinement and charm as he walked confidently to the security guard who was coming to ask him to move.  For someone too distraught to find a parking spot it had seemed incongruous. In minutes he had somehow convinced the security guard not to detain or report him.

Jeff had seen frantic. He had seen barely holding it together because someone you loved was hurt. That guy had been so in control it was eerie.

A knock on the window startled him out of his thoughts. He looked over and smiled. Sam peered in through the window, huddled up in her light jacket. She was tall and curvaceous and insisted on wearing jeans that hugged her hips in the most flattering way possible. Her long mid brown hair fell loose to her shoulders and the wind caught tendrils of it as she waited patiently for Jeff to get off his ass and let her in.

“Morgan, will you open this damn door. It may be summer but it ain’t that warm out,” she called to him. Jeff grinned. Well, maybe not that patiently.

Jeff pulled the bolts free and pushed the door open for her. She breezed past him with a grin and held a bottle of Jack out.

“I haven’t seen much of you lately. Thought I’d best come check you’re still alive.”

“Just trying to avoid the tab you keep thrustin’ at me every time I step in that bar o’ yours,” Jeff replied as he grabbed a couple of glasses from behind the counter.

“Seriously, Jeff. I’ve been worried. Everyone’s been talking about how you hauled off last week and since you came back, well let’s just say you haven’t been your usual self.”

“I know,” Jeff sighed as he settled back in his chair.

“Jensen mentioned something about you picking up a stray?” Sam eyed him closely as she sat opposite and poured them both a generous measure. “Said you asked him to pick up a car from _Dallas_ but haven’t been by to see him since you got back.”

“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to drop by but I haven’t really had the time.”

“Tell me, Jeff. What’s going on?”

The look on Sam’s face was soft and concerned. Jeff knew it was not his place to say anything but he knew he could trust this woman more than anyone else on the planet, and not just because he was head over heels for her.

“You have to understand, Sam. This isn’t my tale to tell. Jared, he’s hurting and I don’t know how to help him,” Jeff said, the despair echoing in his voice and the slump of his shoulders. “He came in here last week with these two beautiful little girls looking like death warmed up. You should have seen him, Sam. He was pale and haggard and his clothes looked like they were hanging off him. Hell, he was swaying on his feet but too terrified to stop for anything. Hid it well though. Don’t think I would have caught it if I hadn’t seen that look so often when I was in the army.” Jeff looked up and saw Sam’s worried eyes. “Jim musta been by, told you about it,” he continued and waited for Sam’s confirmation.

“Said he helped you take the boy up, that he was in a bad way but I kinda hoped he was exaggerating.”

“Yeah, well he wasn’t. I looked after those girls all day while Jared slept. He didn’t stir once, barely even moved. I went up there after the lunch rush and he was so pale and still I thought he was dead, Sam.” His voice thickened at the memory. He had looked so young and vulnerable laid out in the white sheets, his skin almost as pale. “I sent the girls down to Chad for a while so I could check. Was about to call for the doc when he seemed to snap out of it, breathin’ deeper, a bit of colour coming back. Haven’t been so relieved in a long while.

“So me and Chad took turns looking out for the girls while we dealt with the customers and I put them to bed after we closed up. They crawled right in with him and it was the most I’d seen him move all day. He pulled them in so tight and he got this little smile on his face. Looked more like he was actually sleeping.” A ghost of a smile flitted across Jeff’s face and Sam reached a hand over his on the table. He looked up at her and enveloped her smaller hand in his. She looked as if she would cry at any moment but he knew she was stronger than that.

“What happened then, Jeff? I know there’s more to this or you wouldn’t have chased after him.”

“I decided to sit up with them. We’d put him in my room, got him comfortable and the girls were with him. I told Jim I’d get the doc if he got any worse. I just wanted to make sure they didn’t wake up and find their father-“ Jeff stopped, unable to finish the thought he denied even having most of the time. Sam gave his hand another squeeze from where it still rested comfortably in his. “Anyway, he wakes up in the middle of the night and completely freaks. I don’t think he even recognised me. He just ran, pulling the girls behind him, no coats, no shoes even.”

“And you just let him go?” Sam exclaimed, pulling her hand free. “I thought better of you Jeffrey Dean Morgan! You take someone in to care for them and you let them run out in the middle of the night like that?” Sam was practically shouting.

“Now hold on, Sam! What kinda man do you think I am?” Jeff shouted indignantly. “Of course I tried to stop him. But just how did you expect me to do it? He was holding onto those girls of his like a talisman and when I tried to get closer he ran. Did you want me to tackle him the state he was in? What? Just what should I have done?” Jeff was up and pacing. It was not just Sam he was asking. The same questions had been running through his head ever since Jared had bolted. If he were truly honest with himself he was afraid he still would not have the answers if Jared tried to run again, though that had not happened so far.

Jeff saw a flash of white out of the corner of his eye as he reached the door that led to his apartment upstairs. There were only three people who could be coming from there.

“Beth, Annabel?” he called softly. “Is that one of the girls that should be sleeping in their bed upstairs?”

The sisters emerged slowly, holding each other’s hands and Annabel was sucking her thumb again. “We’re sorry,” Beth said quietly, fear and determination clear on her face and too young for that look to be there. “We heard shouting so we came down. We can go back upstairs and wait if you want. Daddy didn’t like it if we were there when he was shouting.”

“Or Papa,” Annabel chimed in around her thumb.

Jeff smiled down at them fondly even though his heart felt like it was breaking for these beautiful children. “It’s me who should be sorry. I didn’t realise I was being so loud.”

“You weren’t,” Beth said, “but we heard Papa crying.”

“He was just sleeping. I think it’s a bad dream but you said not to wake him,” Annabel added, staring wide-eyed at Jeff. “Did we do good?”

“Yeah, Annie. You did real good but maybe we should check on him together in a minute.”

“Are you gonna shout some more?” Beth asked quietly.

“No, honey, not tonight,” Jeff replied just as quietly, his voice husky. He was used to shouted arguments that were forgotten as soon as tempers calmed and he had had more than a few with Sam, but when faced with these girls and the fears he had for them it felt like he had slapped them.

“So we can go see Papa? We always sit with Papa after daddy has been shouting. It makes him feel better and daddy says that’s good.”

The innocent words set Jeff’s stomach roiling. It sounded so _normal_ but it was anything but. He heard Sam’s confused “Jeff?” but ignored her for the moment. There was still a lot to explain before she really understood what was going on.

“Does your daddy shout a lot?” Jeff asked, not sure if he wanted to know the answer but needing to find out if his suspicions were correct. Couples fought; it was a fact of life, but most of the time one of them did not end up looking like a punching bag.

“Sometimes,” Annabel said, her mouth finally free of her thumb. “Sometimes he gets real angry and Papa says for us to go to our rooms so he can talk to daddy. Papa always knows how to calm daddy down ‘cause it’s never long before he stops shouting and he always looks real happy after.”

“Daddy comes in to say g’night but I can’t sleep ‘til I see Papa,” Beth said, for once sounding like the six year old girl she was. She had grown up so fast and was always so intent on her father’s needs Jeff sometimes forgot just how young she was. No child should have to go through something like this. “Daddy lets us go into their room for a little while but we have to be in bed before daddy’s finished in the bathroom so we hug Papa and go back to bed.”

“Papa he said seeing us helps him sleep,” Annabel finished for her sister. Not once had they stopped holding hands but they were completely calm, if a little wide eyed, as they explained. It was a fact of life for them. Their fathers would argue and they would look after Jared. Jeff wondered what else they had seen, what they had understood of what was happening. They were both so aware of atmosphere it seemed impossible they did not realise Jared was hurting. But then, what child would believe their parent capable of such horrors or be able to understand what it meant. Unless it really was just as Beth and Annabel had described, the usual frayed tempers of two adults with a young family and pressures of work.

“Okay, kiddos. Let’s go see your Papa and get you back into bed.” Jeff glanced back at Sam. “Wait for me okay?”

“You bet I will, Morgan. You’ve still got a lot of explaining to do,” Sam said, pinning him with a worried glare. She poured them another drink and took a long pull of it as she watched them go back up the stairs. At least he was not alone in his worry. There was no way Jared was in a happy relationship and his daughters were suffering for it. Jeff knew he would never regret going after Jared.

Jeff ushered the girls upstairs and they crept into his bedroom together. Jared was tossing slightly on the bed, completely oblivious to their presence. Jeff looked at him, unwilling to wake Jared from the sleep he so obviously needed. What they really needed to do was calm him down and get the girls to sleep.

“Why don’t you try kissing him better like you did last time you stayed here?” Jeff whispered to Beth and Annabel. He lifted them gently to the bed and watched as they snuggled into their father. They kissed his cheeks and rested their heads on his shoulders. Jared melted into their embraces and his face settled into a peaceful smile as his hands subconsciously stroked the long brown hair of his children. Beth and Annabel looked like they, too, were on the brink of sleep and simultaneously gave huge yawns. Jeff pulled a blanket over them, he doubted Jared would mind the extra warmth at the moment, and watched for a few moments as the small family rested safely together.

Eventually he tore himself away from the sight. Sam was still waiting downstairs and _god_ did he need a drink.

 

“So, Jeff, what haven’t you told me?” Sam asked as soon as he closed the door and walked back into the diner. Jeff grabbed his drink and gulped it down. The whiskey burned as it went down but he welcomed it.

“I followed him when he ran. He stopped just outside the city limits and passed out. Beth and Annabel were trying to wake him when I finally caught up to them. He looked so pale, Sam. It was even worse than the night before. Nothing I could do would wake him up. Jesus Sam, the girls were crying and begging me to help but nothing was working.”

“You took them to the hospital,” Sam said. It was not a question but Jeff nodded anyway. “They didn’t let you look after the girls or let you know anything did they?” Sam said sympathetically while pouring him another drink. He took a long swig before continuing.

“No. I could visit but they wouldn’t tell me anything. I had to watch as they dragged those girls away from their father and the only other person they knew. They gave them to complete strangers and the girls, they screamed at me to do something. I was supposed to be their hero and I failed.” Jeff felt a tear slide down his face and allowed Sam to pull him to her. He had seen a lot of horrific things in his time in the army, but that had been worse. They were innocents. “No one stopped me coming or playing with Beth and Annie but there was nothing I could do. And Jared...he was in so much pain. I could see the nightmares but he couldn’t pull himself out of them.”

“You did everything you could, Jeff. You know that,” Sam said softly, pulling away slightly.

“I couldn’t leave ‘em, Sam. They looked so lost.”

“You always did have a weakness for puppy-dog eyes,” Sam said with a sad smile.

“You should know, darlin’,” Jeff drawled and saluted her with his glass. She returned the gesture and they both drained their drinks.

“So, what else?” Sam asked. “You looked like you were about to throw up when those girls talked about their fathers arguing.”

“Jared moved like he was beaten half to death when he came in here that first morning. Whenever he sees a man he’s either trying to blend into the shadows, shit scared or lashing out. I took him to Doc Brown when we got back after the hospital and he was catatonic. He never acted like that with the doctor at the hospital. She was a woman, Doc Brown’s a man. He freaked the fuck out when it came to the internal exam, had to get three guys to hold him down enough to sedate him. To cap it all, this guy turns up, calls out his name and he practically faints into my arms when a few minutes earlier he couldn’t wait to get away from me. I’d seen him before, looking for his boyfriend. Asshole of the highest order from what I saw.

“I guess what Beth and Annabel said just confirmed things I hoped to God I was wrong about.”

Jeff watched as Sam blanched when she realised what he was saying. A few moments later anger flowed through her, setting her eyes on fire and Jeff thought he had never seen her looking so beautiful.

“You think this guy hurt them, that it’s something that happens a lot, not just a one time thing?” Sam asked and Jeff nodded slowly. “You did the right thing, Jeff,” she said softly, leaning forward to cup his stubble roughened jaw. He pulled her to him and held her tight. Her scent surrounded him and he loved the feel of her in his arms. Sometimes he hated the way they danced around each other, wished he were braver, but it was nights like this that made it all worth it. She would always be there for him, just like he would be for her. It was enough. It was more than enough. It was good to finally talk about it all and she had given that to him.

 

*****

Jensen leaned against the Ford he was supposed to be working on. The carburettor had died and he was supposed to have it ready to be picked up by five. It was an easy job but for some reason he could not force himself to concentrate. The fifth time his wrench slipped, this time slicing open his thumb, he gave up. He let the feel of the cool metal at his back seep through him as he stared at the red Camry he had brought back two days ago.

It had been a slack week. Normally he would have been glad of the extra time with the Impala but for the first time since he had picked her up last year another car was taking up all his thoughts. He snorted as the idea that he was cheating on his car rose up unbidden. The beaten up Camry reminded him so much of another car from when he had been younger and felt completely invincible. Jared had bought it on his sixteenth birthday. It had been all he could afford and when Jared was showing her off, Jensen had not been able to take his eyes off the excited grin Jared wore.

_The thing with Jared was that he talked with his entire body, had as long as Jensen had known him. His gangly limbs waving excitedly or gripping his arm to show him yet another thing he loved about his new ‘classic’ car. The fact that it had conked out three miles from the dealer’s did not even dent his enthusiasm._

_“Come on, Jen. You’re so good with this stuff. We can work on it together on the weekends or something,” Jared begged as he looked at the engine in confusion. “It doesn’t have to be all the time, just when you have a spare coupla hours.”_

_Those puppy-dog eyes and hopeful voice had always allowed Jared to get his own way with Jensen. Jensen had tried for the last two years to think of himself as an indulgent older brother but as he looked at Jared he realised it had never been that. He was quickly developing the form of the man he would become but still retained the trust and innocence of a child. Not that the kid was not smart, more like he was quick to put his trust in the people around him._

_It was a few moments before Jensen realised Jared had stopped talking. He was staring at Jensen with something in his eyes that had never been there before, at least not that Jensen had noticed. Heat trailed down his spine and Jensen shivered._

_“Jen,” whispered Jared hoarsely as he stepped forward._

_“Jay, I-“ Jensen tried to say but the next second Jared was right in front of him, lips a hair’s breadth from his own._

_“It’s about time you got with the programme,” Jared whispered into his mouth and Jensen felt rather than heard it. “I’m not a kid any more, Jensen.”_

_All other thoughts vanished at Jared’s words. Jensen caught the back of Jared’s head and pulled those beautiful lips against his. He knew Jared was not the child he had been only two years ago but the wet heat of Jared’s caressing tongue convinced him beyond a shadow of a doubt. It was gentle and unhurried, as if they would have forever to explore each other, but the fire beneath was hot enough to scorch. Jensen let himself be swept away in the taste and texture of the young man in front of him, his fingers sliding through the long strands of chocolate coloured hair._

_They broke gently apart after what felt like hours and Jensen rested his forehead against Jared’s. Their chests heaved as they regained their breath until Jared chuckled. It was a shadow of his full-bellied laugh but his eyes were so full of happiness that Jensen could not help but return it._

_Jensen pulled Jared into his arms, at sixteen Jared was as tall as he was and did not look to be slowing down. “I can see us spending a lot of hours working on this car together,” he said huskily before drawing Jared into another kiss._

It was hard to think of that time in Jensen’s life with anything but sadness now, but the memories should have been wonderful. They should have had the forever Jared had promised with that first kiss but it could never be that simple.

Jensen was broken from his reverie by Chris’ yell that it was four o’clock and he had better get his ass moving.

“And here I though I was the boss, Kane!” Jensen yelled at him but Chris just laughed. 

“That’s what I wanted you to think!” Chris tossed back. “Now get back to work, Ackles.”

Jensen grumbled under his breath about ungrateful employees but moved back under the hood. In the end Jensen was just closing the car up when Nathan Jackson came in to collect it. They had known each other since high school but never moved in the same circles now. Still, being a local boy had its advantages. Everyone trusted him not to rip them off even if he did name his garage after the bomb shop in Grand Theft Auto.

But now there was nothing else to distract him from the old Camry. Jensen told Chris to get lost for the rest of the day. “Don’t forget it’s your turn to open up in the morning!” he called to Chris’ retreating back. “Seven thirty, man, hangover or not.”

“Yeah, yeah. It’s not like you won’t still be tinkering with that wreck by the time I come in,” Chris retorted.

“Call her that again and you won’t have a job to come back to.”

Chris laughed and flipped him off, leaving Jensen smiling softly. Jensen opened the creaking door of the Impala and slipped in behind the wheel. She was beautiful and had enough quirks to keep her interesting. Jensen knew exactly how much pressure to put on the gas to stop her stalling, the sounds her engine made and how to interpret them. She just seemed to talk to him in a way that kinda freaked most people out.

Jensen knew cars. He lovingly stroked the dash and sighed as he climbed out again. She was ticking by and getting better every day as he updated the parts and kept her shiny. Today though, there was another car that needed him more.

“Sorry baby,” he whispered.

As Jensen surveyed the car he avoided looking inside. Since he had towed it back he had studiously repressed all of the memories that the children’s clothes had elicited and, as much as possible, ignored the car itself. But it would not be denied. 

It was obvious that his first impression had been correct. Whoever the kid was he knew at least a little about cars and had done his best to take care of her. The engine purred to life but Jensen could hear it needed a little retuning, maybe replace a couple of worn out parts before they caused any real damage. The interior and exterior were battered with a few small dents and worn leather on the seats but rather than looking ready for scrap, she looked like a well thumbed book that invited you inside to see why it had been read so many times. It was familiar and...cozy.

Jensen sighed. He was in for a long night if he was going to overhaul this thing before morning.

 

****

Jared woke up early. He could hear Jeff getting ready for the breakfast rush downstairs but Beth and Annabel were still breathing deeply at his feet. Jeff had found a fair sized roll out bed for the twins to share while Jared kept the bed. He had tried to protest once that he could stay on the couch but Jeff had eyed him in disbelief.

“ _Kid,_ I’m _too tall for the couch, let alone you with the extra long legs. Plus you’re injured. Take advantage of the rest.”_  Jeff had told him with a throaty chuckle.

Still, Jared was feeling guilty about taking up so much of the older man’s time and space and he could not help wondering _why._  Why would some random guy help him out, follow him for three hours and still turn up at the hospital?

For three days Jared had slept and pondered that very question. He was exhausted and his body ached. He slipped into the oblivion of sleep as often as possible because when he was awake it was harder to silence the voices in his head. Some screamed at him to grab his girls and run. Others told him it was safe and that he only had to look at how happy Beth and Annabel were to see that.

Those voices were the ones that haunted him most. His girls were thriving at the diner. They spent as much time as possible with Jared but it was dull for them to sit and draw or play some of the board games that kept appearing every day. They had too much energy to burn and Jared had too little. He could barely summon the energy to get up most of the time. It was inevitable that they would seek out more exciting company.

The first time it had happened Jared had almost had another panic attack. He paled and clenched his fists against the urge to pull them back but Jeff had given him that same comforting smile and the girls had beamed to be allowed in the kitchen of the diner. Jared had watched them leave without turning back once. It had torn at his heart but all he wanted to do was crawl back into bed.

So he let Jeff take them downstairs and slept and fretted about what to do. Were social services trying to track him down? Did it count as kidnap because he had just disappeared with Beth and Annabel? Had Tom managed to follow them? Jared turned them round in his head until he was not sure which was worse. Social services could take his babies away from him, send them back to Tom. Tom could be waiting for the opportunity to take them back and Jared was giving it to him by letting them out of his sight.

Maybe he had been wrong. Maybe he should just grab his car and go back to San Antonio. Tom would take him back. He would yell and kick and scream. They would fuck so Tom could remind Jared of exactly where and who he belonged to and they would all be safe again. His girls would be back with their Daddy and the weight of fear and indecision would be gone.

The girls never mentioned Tom or asked about him since the day Jeff had driven them away in the car. He knew they had questions though, knew they were scared and confused. He tried to find a way to tell them they were never going back but every time he tried the words caught in the back of his throat. Jared knew Tom would find them. He had the resources to track anyone down and it was practically branded on Jared that they were Tom’s. No one had the right to take them away, not even Jared. It was only a matter of time and Jared was a fool to think, hope, otherwise. So he waited and ignored the questions that burned through all their minds.

That morning though, when Jared wandered into the kitchen to make breakfast for Beth and Annabel, it was not empty the way it normally was. Jared had laid in bed listening to the sounds of a shower and the scent of coffee to reach him. It should have been safe. Jeff should have been downstairs warming up the grill and making sure everything was in place to open up like usual. It was the time Jared would get the girls up, washed and dressed without interruption, some semblance of their normal routine, before they would rush downstairs to help Jeff.

Instead Jeff was leaning against the counter, the coffee going cold beside him as his forehead creased in worry and annoyance. Jared knew that expression. He herded the girls into the bathroom before steeling himself to walk into the kitchen. If Jeff needed someone to yell at or whatever, it was the least Jared could do.

When he heard Jared come in, Jeff let the worry melt into a soft smile. It was still there at the edges and Jared wondered why he tried to hide it when there was no one else around.

“Hey, Jared,” Jeff said quietly. “There’s still coffee if you want some.”

“Thanks,” Jared replied, making no move to come further into the kitchen. “You okay?”

“Not really. Chad called in sick. He helps out in the kitchen most of the time, does a turn as a waiter when I need him to. He’s good, reliable in his own way. It’s a pain trying to cover him when he’s ill.”

“Must be stressful,” Jared said softly as he walked up to Jeff. He refused to look at the older man, it would just make things harder. Jeff obviously did not want to use his fists to release his frustration but there were other ways. He knew Tom needed to keep a calm head at work and it was Jared’s job to make sure that happened. It was the least he could do for Jeff and Tom would never need to know.

“Yeah. Thought I’d take a couple more minutes to figure out what to do. Sophia went into the city last night so she won’t be back in town for another coupla hours. The breakfast rush’ll be over by then.”

“Anything I can do to help?” Jared asked as he entered Jeff’s personal space, he knew Jeff would not take anything that was not offered but Jared knew what he was supposed to do without being told. He did it so naturally it took a moment for Jeff to realise what was going on but as soon as he saw Jared lean in closer he sidestepped Jared’s arms and moved across the kitchen. His expression did not change after that first flicker of recognition.

“Nothing like that, Jared,” he said soft but firmly and Jared stared at him, confused. The next second a broad grin broke out on Jeff’s stubbly face. “Can you cook?”

Jared’s confusion deepened. What had he done wrong? This was what Tom had told him he was good at. All he was good _for_.  He was about to try again but just then Annabel peered in from the doorway. Her face was still pink from her wash and her hair mussed from sleeping. “Papa is an awesome cook, Jeff!” she squealed. “He can cook waffles from scratch and pancakes and he always cooks Daddy a full breakfast on Sundays.”

“Tell Jeff about the dinner parties you and Daddy threw for all of those important people, Papa,” Beth chimed in as she joined her sister.

Jared’s face was a mixture of indulgent and terrified. Sure, he had cooked at home. It was mostly simple and nutritious food for the girls and a few more complicated recipes for Tom when he needed to entertain. But Jared had never worked in a professional kitchen before, for paying customers. There was no way Jared was good enough. The meals he cooked for Tom were barely edible for the important people they were entertaining and if anything went wrong Tom was so disappointed in him. No matter how much the guests praised him, he could see the anger in Tom’s face every time. How could he expect Jeff’s customers to pay?

“I-I can’t,” Jared stammered.

“You’d be saving my life out there, kid,” Jeff said. “I really don’t think I could cope with waiting tables, manning the register _and_ doing everything in the kitchen.” Jared wavered at the hopeful smile of the man in front of him.

“Okay,” Jared whispered, swallowing the bile that rose in his throat. “I can help out with the cooking for a coupla hours.”

“Thanks, Jared. You know it might just do you good to get a change of scenery, even if it is just downstairs,” Jeff said as he headed for the stairs.

It was surprisingly easy to get into the swing of things. Jeff mostly left him alone as he tended the front of the diner. He could hear the buzz of voices and Jeff talking like he knew everyone that came in. For the first two hours Jared started every time he heard the bell at the door jangle or Jeff called an order back. It was hard on his nerves but as the soothing familiarity of preparing and cooking the food washed over him, he began to relax.

Beth and Annabel stayed with him for the most part. Jared sent them on errands for the salad or asked them to carefully wipe down the surfaces just like they would have at home when they watched him cook. Periodically they would head out to the front and see Jeff. The appearance of the toys and board games did not remain a mystery for long after that. The first time they joined Jeff there was a chorus of hellos directed at his girls. He almost dropped the knife he was clutching when he heard it.

“Now, Miss Bethany I do believe you’ve gotten taller!” a woman exclaimed while his daughter giggled.

“I’m standing on a box, Mrs Jackson!” Beth said as she laughed.

“Well, you certainly look old enough to make sure Jeff can still count right.”

“Don’t be silly, Mrs Jackson!” Annabel said, giggling too. “Jeff can count better’n us.”

“I’m sure he can,” Mrs Jackson replied. “I just want you to make sure for me.”

Jared listened for any hint that Beth and Annabel were in danger but after a dozen or so similar conversations they bounced back into the kitchen with an armful of colouring books and pencils. Everyone in the diner seemed to know the girls and were intent on spoiling them. 

Fatigue was beginning to hit Jared as he worked but by eleven the flow of orders had slowed and it was nearly silent in the diner. Jeff came back and ruffled the twins’ hair as they bent over their books at one end of the long table. They glanced up and smiled but could not be drawn away from the intricate patterns they were colouring.

“Looks like the rush is over,” Jeff said as he pulled up a chair next to Jared. Jared tried to inch his chair away without Jeff noticing. “I couldn’t have done this without your help, Jared. Thank you.”

“No problem,” Jared said tiredly. He felt like he could barely keep his eyes open.

“Look, Sophia should be here soon. Why don’t you head upstairs with Beth and Annabel and relax for a while? You’re still recovering,” Jeff said. He did not wait for an answer but ushered Jared and the girls towards the stairs. “I’ll fix you all some lunch in a little while and bring it up.”

Jared nodded weakly and dragged himself after his girls as they bounded up to Jeff’s apartment. He was exhausted and his body was aching at the unfamiliar exertion. Working the kitchen of a busy diner was a lot different to looking after a household. In seconds he was laid out of the couch while Beth and Annabel fought over the pencils and felt tips on the coffee table. Sleep came quickly and he did not stir even when Jeff came up with sandwiches for them.

The next couple of days followed the same pattern. Chad was still sick so Jared covered the kitchen during the breakfast rush and left after Sophia arrived. He would listen to his girls being doted on in the diner but still broke out in a sweat whenever Jeff asked him to venture out. Sophia would pop into the kitchens before her shift started and chat to Jared. She was surprisingly easy to talk to and did not try to pry into why he was suddenly living with Jeff or working in the diner. He was grateful for that. He enjoyed their conversations and did not want them to stop.

By the weekend it almost felt as though Jared had always been spending his days like this. The questions that had plagued him during those first few days had mostly faded with his bruises. His ribs were still sore and hurt like hell if he moved the wrong way but the fever was definitely gone. In another week there would be virtually nothing left to tell Jared it had not all been a dream.

Beth and Annabel were getting restless though. The thrill of having the run of the diner was wearing thin and they wanted to play in the sun but Jared still feared that Tom was waiting for just such an opportunity. Still, he had never been able to deny his girls anything.

 

*****

It was late when Jensen finally stopped working on the Impala. He had been dividing his time between his baby and the Camry. In a few days the old red car had become almost unrecognisable. Jensen had started with the engine, overhauled it so it was better than new, not that it really needed that much work and there were no special parts he had to go chasing after. Not that he would. The only car he would do that for was his baby no matter how much this one reminded him of...well, _better days_.

The scratches in the paintwork had been repaired but Jensen decided to keep the small dents and imperfections. If the owner of this car had wanted a perfect car, there were plenty of second hand ones that had less character and more looks. Jensen had the impression Jeff’s mystery guest wanted his car to have a little character so he was loathe to make many cosmetic changes. It had been just what Jared had told him once when they were elbow deep in engine oil. “ _You buy a car like this for those little imperfections. The things you can fix and the things that make it feel like you’ve been together forever.”_  

Jensen had loved the way Jared looked at him as he said it, as though he were talking more about them than the car. The smudges on Jared’s smooth cheek had enhanced the sparkle in his eye and the broad grin that spread over his face. Just like always Jensen found it impossible to resist. They had crawled into the back seat together and spent the rest of the afternoon making out on the badly sprung seats. It had been uncomfortable and awkward but so wonderful they had not wanted to stop. It was amazing they had ever got that old thing up and running.

Jensen had saved the hardest job for last. Damp had gotten into one of the seats and was rotting it away. There was an old junker in the yard that had the perfect replacement seat, but that had meant dealing with the stuff in the Camry. Jensen had saved that for tonight. He looked at the clothes more closely this time. They were small and delicate and softer than pretty much anything he had ever touched before. There were matching sets of skirts, dresses, tiny tees and pants, all with flowers or princesses on them and all in varying shades of pink and yellow. Two of everything like some cruel cosmic twist of the knife.

Still, he picked up each cute little tee and dress, every doll and book and tidied them into a spare duffle. It took hours to strip away the rotten parts of the seats and replace it with the new upholstery but it was done. Another couple of hours working on the Impala had finally managed to settle the ache in his chest.

Jensen locked up the garage and started wandering down Main Street. There was time for a beer at Sam’s but there would be a lot of people around on a Friday night and that was the last thing he wanted right now. Not that he really wanted to be alone either. As usual his feet took him to the one place he needed to be without conscious interference from him and Jensen rounded the corner to see Morgan’s, unmistakable even with the front sign off.

The familiar pickup was sitting outside and a faint light still shone from the back. Jensen smiled, looked like Jeff was still home. As he crossed the parking lot, Jensen heard a giggle from behind the diner.  The giggle was followed by a little brunette bombshell streaking round the corner. She pulled up short as soon as she saw him and stood a few feet away, half in shadow. He stared at her, his heart pounding as he took in her dark hair and fair skin, the cat-like eyes that glittered in the half light. In his mind he was already superimposing a similar face that had haunted him for the last ten years. Jared.

“Annie!” called a deep resonant voice. Jensen knew it and he felt the breath knocked out of his body. “Annie, get your butt back here or we go home right now!” 

It could not be. There was no way it was possible. Jensen’s mind reeled as a giant appeared after the little girl with the same shaggy hair that he always looked for in a crowd, though the colour was indistinguishable in the dark. The man did not even glance in Jensen’s direction, making it impossible to get a clear look at his face. The man knelt in front of the little girl and spoke to her in a low voice so Jensen could not make out the words. He stared for an age until the image was burned forever into his retinas. He could have had this. If the fates were not so cruel he could have been a part of this, not watching it from the sidelines. He felt like a ghost, yearning for life but unseen and uncared for.

As the man rose back to his feet slowly, Jensen noticed the differences between him and the man he looked like. Jared had never been that thin, not even when he was going through yet another growth spurt, but this man looked like a stiff breeze would blow him away. He moved differently too. Even after the crash Jared had not hidden himself away, he had never tried to hide in the shadows. He had never looked so hunted no matter how many horrors had pushed down on him, no matter how broken he had become.

Jensen watched as they melted into the shadows once more and Jensen felt the tears running unbidden down his face. He scrubbed his hands over his eyes and down, washing away his momentary weakness. His hands were shaking and his legs threatened to cave beneath him. He dragged himself away and headed back to his apartment. There was no way he could face anyone tonight, not even Jeff’s uncomplicated presence.

There was a six-pack in his fridge and the anniversary bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Sam had given him. He hoped the beer was enough because if he opened the whiskey he knew he would not stop.

 

*****

Jared woke early. There was no sound from the girls in their roll away bed so he stretched carefully and enjoyed the precious few moments he was left to sleep uninterrupted without guilt. They had all had a late night so Jared expected them to be tired and probably miserable today. They had played in the back lot of Jeff’s diner much later than they would usually be allowed to stay up but it was the only way Jared felt safe taking them outside.

It was probably a mistake to make the diner and Jeff’s apartment above it a haven from the world. They were insulated against anything that could upset the tenuous equilibrium they had created there but Jared needed it. He was safe. His girls were safe and that was what mattered most.

The sounds of Jeff starting his morning routine slowly broke through Jared’s peaceful reverie and he realised it was high time he got up too if he was going to be ready for the breakfast rush that morning. He rose slowly, more out of habit and not wanting to wake Beth and Annabel than the fading ache from his injuries. He would let the girls sleep for as long as he could but they would need to be up before he and Jeff went downstairs.

Jeff came out of the bathroom with his short hair still slightly damp from his shower and gratefully accepted the streaming cup of coffee Jared held out to him.

“The terrible two still asleep?” Jeff asked casually as he sipped cautiously at the scolding liquid.

“Yeah. Thought I’d get ready first and let them sleep a little longer.”

“Heard you all go out last night. Wondered if I’d have to track you down again,” Jeff said casually but his intense gaze was fixed on Jared.

“No worries on that front, at least for now. The girls were getting a bit of cabin fever so I took them to play out back for a while.”

“Awful late for them to be up ain’t it?”

“Yeah,” Jared said. He knew but that had not stopped him. He would bet anything that Jeff did too. If the older man wanted to call him on it fine but Jared would not make it easy. It was hard enough explaining it to himself. But Jeff just nodded and finished getting himself ready.

“I’ll get everything set up downstairs,” Jeff said after a while. “Follow me down when you’re ready. I warn ya, Saturdays are tough.”

An hour later Jared was hustling Beth and Annabel into the kitchen. Jared tugged on the apron he always wore and settled down to the grill to wait for the first orders.  The girls were tired and irritable as predicted but they sat quietly at their usual table out front with their colouring books while Jared worked.

A couple of hours into his shift the back door to the kitchen was flung open. “Hey man, you can relax.  The Chad is back!” called a young man with dirty blonde hair. Jared started so hard the glass he was wiping flew from his hand and crashed into the floor. He backed away from the sound and the unfamiliar presence as his heart began to race. If was like all of the oxygen had fled the room as soon as the door had opened.

Jared’s vision tunnelled. All he could see was the strange man who had come to ruin his peace of mind. He stumbled backwards and felt his feet fall away from him as he pitched backwards. He could feel the heat rising behind him, hot enough to seer the shirt from his back. Suddenly his senses went into overtime and he could smell the cooking bacon on the grill behind him and see the horrified looks of the stranger and Jeff as he came through from the diner. This was it. He was actually going to die, burned to death on a diner grill.

A moment after he shut his eyes he felt a hand grip the apron he had fastened around his waist that morning. The hand was strong and sure and pulled him upright a second before his back hit the grill. He sagged in the rough grip and it was a second before he realised he had been released.

“What did you think you were doing, fuckhead?” his rescuer, Chad, chided as he gently cuffed Jared on the back of his head.  “Didn’t Jeff here teach you how to behave in a working kitchen?” Jared started to back away again in fear of further reprisals but he saw that Chad’s attention had been drawn back to Jeff, his body language relaxed and smiling. 

“S-sorry,” Jared whispered in a voice that barely carried to his own ears.

“What the hell are you apologising for? Sergeant Morgan over there obviously hasn’t been doing his job. Now go get a broom and clear up that mess before someone really does get hurt.”

At that instant two enraged faces hovering around four feet from the ground burst through from the diner. They ran straight for Chad and barrelled into him so hard and fast he nearly took Jared’s place on the grill. Annabel grabbed his wrists and clung desperately to him while Beth kicked him hard on the shin. Chad howled and tried to pull himself free without making them all fall into an ungraceful heap in the floor, especially considering the broken glass that still littered the area.

Jared’s face turned to thunder. All his previous fear was forgotten at the sight of his children attacking someone, fists and feet flying. He put a firm arm around each of their waists and hauled them off.

“Bethany Louise Welling, you stop that right now!” Jared growled and Beth instantly hung limp in his arms. “Annabel Rebecca, let go of Chad this instant!” The girls sagged in his arms as he pulled them away. It was a side of Jared that did not come out often but when it did his girls knew to obey.

“How many times have I told you it is not acceptable to hit someone? No matter what the provocation there is no excuse for that kind of behaviour.”

Annabel looked at her feet and scuffed the toe of her shoe on the tiled floor. Beth, however, looked mutinous. “That’s not what daddy said. Daddy said sometimes people deserve it. He was being mean to you! We heard!” she said adamantly, pointing and accusing finger at Chad.

“Bethany, I don’t care what daddy told you right now. I’m telling you not to hit anyone. Ever. And you will abide me,” Jared said sternly, the tension back in his broad shoulders. His voice softened as he continued and he turned a little to encompass both of them. “Chad helped me when I slipped and he was upset because he was scared. It can be dangerous in here. If I ever see you running in here or even coming in here without an adult I will take away television privileges for two weeks! Do you understand me?”

“Yes,Papa,” they chorused and Jared nodded at them.

“Now, I think you owe Chad here an apology,” he said gesturing to the stunned man who was still rubbing his leg from the vicious kick Beth had landed.

“Sorry,” they said again, echoing each other.

“Good, now go upstairs and sit on the bed. I will come up and tell you when you are allowed back down. I will know if you play with anything while you’re up there,” he cautioned.

Jared shakily cleaned up the rest of the glass. He stayed clear of Chad as much as possible while they worked. He watched Chad whistle as he cooked, occasionally calling for Jared to bring him something. Chad acted like the last fifteen minutes had not happened and, even though the guy had hit him, somehow Jared could not find it in himself to be afraid of him. Despite his language and actions, there was no malice in him.

After a few more minutes Chad turned from the grill with a grin. “Why don’t you go talk to those adorable little things you’ve got waiting upstairs? If they are anything like me when I was growing up they’re about climbing the walls by now.”

Jared gave him a small grin and shucked off his apron. “Thanks,” he said quietly.

 

*****

Jensen heard the clatter coming from the kitchen and Chad’s familiar voice. The guy was obviously causing some kind of ruckus if Jeff had left the diner unattended. He helped himself to a cup of coffee, headed to his usual table and waited for Jeff to reappear. It was not long and Jeff dropped heavily in the seat opposite Jensen. He looked shaken and that was worrying. It took a lot for a man who had served in the army to look like that, even if it was as the company cook.

“What’s up, man?” he asked after a few minutes.

“Chad being his usual charming self and a close call in the kitchen,” Jeff replied with a sigh.

“Wanna run that by me again?”

“The guy who’s staying with me was helping out in the kitchen while Chad was sick. Chad bursts in without warning, startles him and he almost falls onto the grill.”

That had Jensen wearing a matching grimace. He knew how hot those things could get and the burns tended to heal badly, if they did at all.

“Everything okay now?” he asked as he took another sip of coffee. Jeff nodded and stood. During the Saturday morning rush Jeff could not afford to stay idle for long and already a few people were calling for him.

“Hey Jensen,” Jeff called over his shoulder as he refilled a coffee mug at the next table. “I got that book off Jim before he left, that one you were looking for about your Impala. It’s on the shelf next to the TV if you wanna go get it.”

“Thanks, man,” Jensen said as he headed for the connecting door. 

As he picked up the book, Jensen heard muffled voices coming from Jeff’s bedroom. It must be the mysterious house guest, Jensen thought and shrugged. Not that it mattered or even that he cared who Jeff opened his house to. Unless they hurt him, then they would find out just how much Jensen cared and it would not be pleasant.

Jensen was heading for the door when the guy emerged from the bedroom. He froze. It was not real. It was a hallucination brought on by a momentary lapse in sanity. It had to be. The moment Jensen got out of there he was checking himself into the nearest mental institution and never leaving again.

“J-J-Jensen,” the figure in front of him gasped. He turned white as a sheet and started sinking to the ground.

“Jared,” breathed Jensen. He could not see straight. He watched as the once proud and strong Jared Padalecki folded in on himself and stared up at Jensen with horror. A thousand memories hit him and he watched the boy he had fallen in love with become the broken man at his feet. He could not breathe. The walls seemed to close in on him as he stared. “Oh God, Jared?”

Slowly he realised that two miniature versions of Jared were watching from the bedroom door, the same catlike hazel eyes and strong features, the same fearful gaze. Jared finally followed Jensen’s gaze and opened his arms to the girls and they buried themselves in his arms. It was more than Jensen could stand. He fled. The book lay forgotten on the floor as he raced down the steps and out into the heat of the Texan sun. He did not hear Jared’s choked cry of his name or Jeff’s worried shout through the pounding in his own ears.

All this time and he still could not escape Jared _fucking_ Padalecki.


	6. Chapter 5

Seconds after Jensen had run out of the diner, Jeff was upstairs. Jensen he could find whenever he wanted but if Jared chose to run, for whatever reason, Jeff was certain he would never see the kid again. He did not see Jared at first. He was curled up in the corner close to Jeff’s bedroom half hidden in a blanket of six year old girls.

Beth and Annabel were whispering quietly to their father but Jared just sat staring at the door where Jeff was standing. He watched as Jared’s lips formed one word over and over. As he got close enough to hear, his eyes widened in shock.

“Jensen. Jensen,” murmured Jared again and again.

“Papa, please,” Beth whispered as tears started to form in her eyes. Annabel was shaking in her father’s arms, her head buried in the crook of his neck.

“C’mere sweetheart,” Jeff said softly as he drew the twins away. “I’m gonna talk to your Papa here and see if I can find out what’s wrong. Why don’t you go and play in the bedroom for a little while?”

Jeff watched as the girls reluctantly slipped into the bedroom. They did not even attempt to close the door behind them and Jeff knew they would be listening to every word. He had to tread carefully while he found out what the fuck Jensen had done to Jared in the five minutes Jeff had left them alone.

“Hey, kid,” Jeff said as he lowered himself into Jared’s line of sight. “What happened?” No response. “Look I know Jensen can be an asshole sometimes, but he’s no-“

Jeff stumbled backwards as Jared’s eyes snapped back into focus and levelled a glare at him. The younger man was on his feet in seconds and looming over Jeff’s sprawled figure.

“You do _not_ get to talk about him like that!” Jared snarled, breathing hard.

It all clicked into place as Jeff stared up at the incensed young man in front of him. The nagging familiarity that had teased around the edges of awareness since Jared had walked into his life. He should have remembered. Hell, the name should have given it away instantly. How many Padaleckis could there be in the world?

Jeff watched as Jared’s eyes widened and he started to shrink back into himself. He backed as far away from Jeff as he could get and retreated into himself even more. It was amazing how Jared could make himself seem to change size at will, one moment a towering wall of rage, the next curling himself into a ball his large frame should never be able to wrap itself in.

There was a picture sitting in his old army duffel with the sheaf of letters Jensen had written him. Ten years ago this boy had been happy and in love, an arm wrapped around Jensen’s neck while Jensen placed his hand over Jared’s heart. They had been distracted the instant the photo was being taken but that did not stop Jeff seeing how happy they were. After a while there was barely anything in Jensen’s letters but Jared and their plans.

“Oh god,” Jeff breathed. “I’m so sorry, Jared. I had no idea.”

Jared crumpled. The haggard look that had slowly been fading from his young face returned in full force, but it was different this time. There was no fear or panic driving it, there was only grief buried by Jared’s force of will.

“We’re in Washford, aren’t we,” Jared said, more a statement than a question.

“Yeah, Jared. This is Washford.”

“Always knew I’d end up back here one day. Figured it would be beside Alice.”

Jeff felt a tear trail down his cheek. Those letters. Those damn letters. He wished he never knew, never had to share in that kind of pain, but he would have done anything for Jensen and if that meant helping him bear the burden of grief he had done it gladly. He would have done the same again, even if he had known in advance the echoes of it that would come down the line.

Jensen had been the one Jeff had turned to when he was nursing his father through cancer. Jensen had been the one that stayed up with Jeff the night they buried him. Hell, Jensen was the one that forced him to buy the diner and settle back down in Washford after he quit the army. Jeff just wished it could have been under happier circumstances, with Jared at his side. They had been through so much together and the hits just kept on coming.

“And you’re Sergeant Morgan. Jen couldn’t stop talking about you.” Jared’s voice was dead, there was no emotion. It was like it had all happened to someone else and that scared Jeff more than the hysteria of the first few days.

“Yeah, I could say the same about you,” Jeff sighed. “Jensen’s gonna be pissed,” Jeff continued under his breath but Jared still seemed to hear it.

“I should go. None of this is your fault Jeff.” Jared gave a rueful smile, “I doubt _I_ would have recognised me, the shape I was in.”

“You’re not goin’ anywhere, kid,” Jeff said sternly as he glared up at Jared. To his surprise, Jared chuckled and shook his head. Jeff looked at him in puzzlement.

“I meant I should go talk to Jen,” he said softly before calling out to his girls. “Beth, Annie, I need to go out for a little while. I need you to stay here with Jeff, okay?”

The girls stared at Jared with wide eyes. This was new. Jared did not leave his girls for a second, even in the diner he could always hear them if he could not have them in direct sight. He was starting to sound more like the Jared described in Jensen’s letters, strong and determined.

“Who was that man, Papa?” Beth asked, reluctant to leave her father when he had been so upset.

“He was an old friend but we haven’t seen each other in a long time, Beth,” Jared replied.

“Why did he run away?” Annabel asked this time.

“I wish I knew,” Jared said as he looked questioningly at Jeff. Jeff glanced at the twins and shook his head. They needed to talk about this privately. Jared nodded and followed Jeff across the apartment. The twins looked like they were about to follow but Jared shook his head. The girls gave their father matching mutinous pouts but obeyed. It was unusual for Jared to be this stern but they knew to do what they were told when he was. There was always a good reason.

“Don’t think you get out of your punishment that easily,” he said as the twins did their best to look repentant. “I’m going to talk to Jeff for a little while and I want you to sit on your bed, _quietly,_ and think about what you did. When I come back we’re gonna talk about this.”

Beth and Annabel dutifully headed back to the bedroom clasping each other’s hands but Jared, it seemed, was ready for this too. “Bethany, Annabel, no sitting with each other either. I want to know what you both think about what happened down there and if I leave you together I’ll get The Twins’, not just Bethany and Annabel. I can’t deal with the mind meld right now,” Jared said with a smile and the girls returned it tentatively. “You guys are creepy when you copy each other.” That got a laugh and the girls headed into the bedroom feeling lighter. Papa was not mad at them any more so everything would be okay.

Jeff watched from the far side of the room, trying not to chuckle at the adorable faces the girls pulled and the way they interacted. They knew each other so well that just a smile or a look could change the course of an entire conversation. It was amazing to watch Jared diffuse the fear and worry from his girls. A pang hit him when he realised why Jared had gotten so good at it and again he wondered just how much of his supposition was correct.

“Why did he run, Jeff?” asked Jared softly without turning.

“Jared, he’d just seen you, the love of his life, and your _daughters_ without any warning. This place was as much a home as his own apartment until he got the garage and to see you here was too much. It’s been ten years but that’s still enough to get you where you live.” Jared had the grace to look abashed as Jeff’s stern but gentle words hit home. “You weren’t exactly in a great state when I found you either.”

“I know. I didn’t even know what town I was in. How could I not have known?”

“Like I said, it’s been ten years. A lot has changed around here.” Jeff paused. He wanted to be the first one to talk to Jensen because seeing Jared again was something neither of them had expected and Jensen was unpredictable at the best of times, always bottling everything up until it exploded. “Jared, you need to stay here with your girls for a while. They’re scared and confused and they need you. I need to check on Jensen, see if he’s okay. If…if he wants to talk to you, he’ll come to you.”

“Yeah, everything on Jensen’s terms,” Jared said under his breath but Jeff caught the bitter words.

“Not everything, Jared, but this should be.” Much as he felt for the kid, Jensen was his friend. Jensen was the one he would protect if it came down to it. Jeff still could not understand how a few hours could so fundamentally alter so many lives and still have consequences ten years later.

 

*****

“I don’t care what you think! I’m telling you I can hear a rattle.”

“Look, Mrs Baxter, I looked at the car personally and when it left us yesterday there was nothing wrong with it. We service it so often there’s not even a part about to wear out.”

Jensen heard them long before he saw them. He could hear the annoyance behind the thin veneer of politeness and knew Mrs Baxter must too. They were in the office and Jensen knew exactly where to go to avoid being seen. If he could just get to the Impala he could hide out for a while, get his head together without interruption. Chris knew better to disturb him when he was working in the car if he even noticed Jensen was there.

“That’s just it.  _You_ ’ve been doing all the work on my car. Last I knew it was Jensen’s garage and if you can’t work out what’s wrong I don’t want anyone else touching my car!” Mrs Baxter practically shrieked at Chris. Jensen sighed. He could almost hear the words about to leave Chris’ mouth and they could not afford to lose their most regular customer, especially when she recommended so many of her friends.

“Just because you wanna get in Jensen’s p-“

“It’s okay, Chris,” Jensen interrupted before Chris could finish _that_ particular sentence. “I’m sorry I haven’t been able to take a personal look at your car the last few weeks, Mrs Baxter. As I’m sure you understand we have a duty to all our customers and I completely trust Chris’ skill as a mechanic,” Jensen continued. It was the last thing he wanted but burying himself under the hood of any car would do right now. “I do have some time right now to have a look at it though. Is it already in?”

“Yeah, the usual spot,” Chris said, looking at Jensen like he had grown a third head. Jensen never usually encouraged the woman and this definitely counted as encouragement – hell, _breathing_ was encouragement when it came to Jensen. This time it was necessary to his sanity. He needed to be around something that made sense, something he understood and right now cars were about the only thing on the list. Cars and the bottle of Jack waiting in his apartment.

Without another word Jensen headed into the workshop, ignoring Chris’ incredulous and Mrs Baxter’s smug looks. One day he would have to tell her he was gay but he had the feeling Chris was right and she only came so often because she though she had a chance with him. It would be a pity to lose the work because he could not deal with a little harmless flirtation. It was a pain but sometimes that was how it went.

The familiar scent of engine oil soothed him and focused his mind. It was not real. Jared had not been comfortably settled in Jeff’s apartment with two little girls that were obviously his children. It was someone else like all those times before, someone with a passing resemblance that Jensen had turned into the thing he wanted most.

Only it was not that. Not this time. Jared has said his name. That same voice, a little deeper now but still the same. Jared had whispered it a million times. In the heat of passion, in the movie theatre, at family barbeques when he was planning a prank and needed Jensen’s help, when the doctor had told Jared his brother would never wake up. When the police told them everyone else involved in the crash had died. When...when they had taken Jared into surgery where Jensen could not follow. Jensen had waited for hours, pacing the small room with only that whispered _Jensen_ to keep him company. He had never been so scared in his life.

Jensen was shivering. It was always cold in the workshop but Jensen was used to it and the layers he habitually wore usually protected him from the worst of it. His hand trembled and the wrench he was holding slipped into the engine.

“Shit!” he hissed and kicked the tire as hard as he could. He carefully reached into the engine to retrieve the tool and cursed again when he realised he needed to take out some of the parts to get it out. It was firmly wedged in place. Maybe it would actually get Mrs Baxter off their case. Since she and her husband had moved to town the previous year she had been trying to fuck her way through the entire male population with varying levels of success. Her latest challenge was Jensen. It amazed him that she had not given up yet, or that no one had told her he was not into women. Apparently Sam had a pool going on how long it would take for her to find out and most of Washford was in on it.

Probably would not take long now. Not with Jared back in town. There is only so much you can hide in a town this small.

“Get your head out of that goddamned car, Jensen,” Jeff said quietly. Jensen jerked up and banged his head into the hood.

“God _damnit_ , Jeff!” Jensen yelled. “Will you get the hell outta here? I’ve got work to do.”

“No way, not until you talk to me, boy.”

“Got nothin’ to say. And will you cut it out with that ‘boy’ crap. I ain’t your boy.”

“You’re right about that but it’s not like you got a lot of options here.” Jeff waited until Jensen turned to face him. “I didn’t know.”

“You didn’t know? How could you not know? I wrote to you for months, _years_. When you got back it was _you_ that got me through the hardest time of my _life._   _He_ stumbles onto your doorstep without warning and you’re tellin’ me _you didn’t know!”_

“You think I would’ve let you just go up there and find out like that if I’d known? You think I’m that kind of bastard?” Jeff retorted, his anger rising quickly.

“I’m starting to wonder.”

“Jesus, Jensen. You did not see him. He barely looked _alive_ when he passed out in the diner. Hell, I doubt _you_ woulda recognised him. You think I coulda turned him away? Or those girls?”

“But I _did_ recognise him, Jeff. He said he couldn’t...Why did he have to come back?” Jensen asked as he sank cold, dirty floor and leaned against the Taurus, uncaring of the possible damage to the paintwork.

“I don’t know. There’s only one way you’re gonna find out though.”

Jensen nodded slowly and ran a hand through his short, spiky hair. He pinned Jeff with a steady gaze. “What happened to him, Jeff? I’ve never...he’s so pale. He looked so scared. I’ve never seen him like that.”

“I’m sorry, Jen. I don’t know and even if I did I’d tell you the same thing. You have to talk to Jared.”

“You don’t know?” Jensen asked softly and lifted a disbelieving eyebrow.

“Not for sure. I know something’s going on and I have my suspicions, but,” Jeff paused, silently pleading for Jensen to understand. “It’s not my place to say. Please, Jen, don’t make me choose between you. I don’t want to have to walk away from him.”

Jensen looked at his old friend. He was tired and his face was drawn. He knew Jeff would always put him first if he asked. If he wanted, Jensen could have Jared out of his life forever. He would be free. Finally and forever. All he had to do was say the word.

All it took was one glance at the shining but battered red Camry in the corner and Jensen knew what he had to do.

“Help him,” he said quietly. He had never been able to deny Jared anything.

 

*****

Jared felt stronger than he had in a long time. It was like he had woken from a nightmare and he half expected Jensen to be smiling down at him as he lay on the bed. Beth and Annabel had been suitably chastised but it disturbed Jared that they were so quick to attack Chad. The guy had no tact and very little charm but Jared felt strangely comforted by that. He was used to charming men, not just Tom but the men in his circles, the ones that treated him like a party favour whenever they thought Tom was not looking.  Luckily, Tom always stayed close so it never went too far but it had given Jared a deep rooted distrust of men who beguiled people with displays of generosity and wit.

In contrast, Chad seemed to be a superficial bastard who did not pull punches and treated everyone with the same brash niceness. Well, almost everyone. He fawned over Sophia when she had arrived for her shift. Sophia would laugh and push him away, but Jared suspected she liked the attention. Then there was Roy.  Roy had been in before. The man was quiet and grey, just exactly like you would expect an accountant to be but not anyone worthy of contempt, yet the moment Chad had seen him through the hatch, he had acted like the guy personally offended him with his very presence. Other than that though – Chad seemed like a good guy with some serious personality quirks. 

They had spent the entire day working in the kitchen together. The girls had apologised and promised not to run around in the kitchen anymore. Chad put them on potato cleaning duty, telling them it was an old military punishment Jeff used on all his employees at some point. Strangely enough it made the chore seem more like a reward and Jared tried to hide his smile as Chad winked at him.

Still, it was hard to get though the long hours waiting.  Jeff had disappeared and come back hours later smelling of whiskey. He refused to talk about it at all and Jared had to bite his tongue not to ask. Jared could feel the lure tugging at him, the need to be at Jensen’s side. It was stronger now that he knew they were so close but he had become so adept at suppressing it over the years that it was little more than a dull ache in his chest. He could almost pass it off as the still healing bruises. It was not though. Jensen was here. Jensen was here in this town. Jensen. But what right did he have to even think that name let alone think of the man himself.

The girls had long been in bed and Jeff was steadily nursing the same glass of whiskey he had poured as soon as the diner had been closed up for the night. They sat side by side on the ratty couch and avoided eye contact as much as conversation. They both knew what was coming and neither wanted to broach the subject.

“How was he?” Jared asked. Yes he was weak, he knew that lesson by heart, but he had to know.

“Don’t know what you want me to tell you, kid. You know him about as well as anyone.”

“Maybe once,” Jared said quietly with a rueful grin. “Ten years can change someone.”

“So can ten hours, or ten minutes, or ten seconds. You know that as well as he does.” Jeff kept his tone and expression blank but Jared could still sense the underlying pain and worry. “You lost everything because of that crash. I can’t begin to imagine the pain and suffering you endured.”

“It’s probably best not to try,” Jared interjected, trying and failing to sound offhand.

“True enough,” Jeff acknowledged. “You need to understand, Jared. Your family, your blood, you lost because some drunk fucker figured he was above the law. Jensen you lost because you couldn’t see him standing in front of you.”

Jeff did not raise his voice or give any hint of anger but Jared felt as though he had been punched in the stomach. The pain was as raw now as it had been all those years ago. The thing was, Jared did understand. He had not lost Jensen. Jared had let him go.

“I know exactly what I did, Jeff,” he said quietly. “Give me another week. I’ll wait for him that long. After that I’m going to him. Once I’ve seen him I’ll leave you all in peace.”

“Don’t make any hasty decisions, Jared. You’re welcome here as long as you want or need a place to stay. Especially with how well you keep Chad in line. You wanna adopt him?” Jared chuckled and glanced over at Jeff. “I’m serious, the guy keeps insulting me in my own kitchen. You wanna take him you have my blessing!” Jared laughed, not the full-bellied laugh that had once been so natural, but the quiet, shy laugh that had slowly become his. Jeff grinned at him and elbowed him gently in the arm. For the first time, Jared did not shy away from the unexpected contact.

“Don’t think I could handle three kids, Jeff. Why don’t you keep him? Surely you can think of something to do with him.” Jared’s laughter suddenly dried as the words he had spoken without thought hit him.  _Couldn’t handle three kids._  It was the same as wishing her dead. . He dashed for the toilet as his stomach started to heave, a concerned Jeff in his wake. He retched into the bowl until there was nothing left and he clung weakly to the cream porcelain. He felt Jeff press a cool cloth to his forehead and mouth, but he batted the older man away.

Jensen. He had no right to even think of the name. He had no right to breathe the same air. He had no right to breathe.


	7. Chapter 6

The empty bottle on the table taunted Jensen. He and Jeff had spent the better part of the afternoon drinking it down but the oblivion he craved was still just out of reach. He dragged himself up and grabbed his wallet.  It was time to get another drink.

Between them, they had finished the bottle of Jack and moved on to the Johnny Walker Blue. He had been saving the bottle. Jeff knew it and still said nothing, just matched Jensen drink for drink until that bottle was empty too.  Eventually, he had made his excuses and left Jensen alone in his shitty apartment though Jenen could still see the pity in his friend’s eyes.  He saw it everywhere, especially this time of year.  Alice’s birthday was next month and the _whole town_ knew better than to ask where the hell he was or what he was doing when he disappeared for three days straight. Half a day sober, the rest doing everything in his power to forget. That mostly meant drinking away the conscious hours.  Might as well start now, he thought as he stumbled into the bar.

“Sam,” called Jensen across the half empty room. It was still early and most people were still slaving away at work. Sometimes being the boss had its perks. “Sam!” he called again as she waved him to wait while she finished serving one of the regulars.

“Hold up, Jensen. I’ll be with you in a second,” she called back, eying him carefully as she made her way over. “What can I do for you?”

“Need a new bottle of Jack,” he said succinctly.

“The store’s up the road.”

“I don’t want to go to the store, Sam. Wouldn’t be here if I did,” he said tightly and glared as best he could through the haze. Truth was, they probably would not serve him the state he was in, but Sam, maybe he could hold it together to get what he needed from her.

“I know exactly what you’re doing, Jensen. What happened to the bottle I got you last week? The one you were saving.”

“All gone,” he said, trying to give his usual smirk but half his face felt like it was malfunctioning.

“What the hell is going on, Jensen?” I’ve never seen you like this,” she said as she watched him try not to sway on his feet.

“Sure you have. Every fucking year I get so drunk I can’t stand and we both know it so don’t pretend you don’t know what’s goin’ on. Any reason why I _shouldn’t_ start a little early this year?  No?  Thought not,” he bit out, savagely

They were starting to gather a crowd. The normally reserved and composed Jensen Ackles was yelling at Sam Ferris in her own bar and everyone was watching avidly, waiting for her to hand him his ass. Sam did not take shit from anyone.      

“Jens-“ she started but Jensen slammed his hand on the bar to cut her off. The sound resounded through the empty space.

“Just give me a damn bottle, Sam. Please,” he begged. “Or is my money not good enough anymore?”

“I’m sorry, but it isn’t today. Go on home, Jensen. I’ll stop by tomorrow.”

“Don’t bother,” he ground out through clenched teeth and stormed out, slamming the door behind him.

The fresh air hit him hard and brought with it an unwelcome burst of sobriety. He had been awful to Sam and made himself the centre of gossip for months to come in five minutes flat. All he wanted was a drink. He walked carefully down the street towards the store. If the fresh air was sobering him up then maybe he would get served. Get a couple of bottles and spend as long as it took for this nightmare that was his life to end.

“Jensen?” someone called from behind him. “Jensen.” Closer now. Jensen turned to find the owner of the voice and almost fell at the sudden movement. Thin, delicate hands held his arm to help steady him and he found his gaze drawn to the shiny red of the nails that glittered in the late afternoon sun. “You okay? You look like you’re about to be sick.”

“’m fine,” he mumbled and clenched his jaw so he would not hurl all over her pretty red shoes. “Can I help you Mrs Baxter?” he asked as soon as his head and stomach had calmed down enough to talk.

“Shirley, please. I saw you walking, wondered if you’d found out what’s wrong with my car,” she said smiling.

“Not yet.”

“So what are you doing here?”

“Saturday. Thought I’d grab a drink but Sam wasn’t exactly accommodating,” Jensen said bitterly and frowned at the slight slurring of his words.

“I don’t think she often is,” Shirley said with a sneer. Jensen stared hard at her through the haze but could not find the words to correct her. “Why don’t I grab us a bottle and get you home?”

“Sure,” Jensen agreed, the vague feeling of unease buried in the promise of more alcohol. “Get a bottle of Jack.”

“I’m more a fan of José myself,” she said with a predatory smile.

“Well, it’s your money,” Jensen replied with a shrug. 

“Why don’t we get both?” Shirley returned and Jensen’s lopsided grin returned full force.

“I like the way you think.” He found himself watching the way her black skirt swished around her legs as she walked. The flow of the material was mesmerising and he could have watched it all day - like a lava lamp.

Half an hour later they were sat on the customer couch in the office of his garage drinking tequila out of plastic water cups. They drank in silence for the most part which Jensen was more than happy about. If he had to endure Mrs Baxter’s - Shirley’s - company for a little much needed alcohol, he would gladly do it. She had kicked off those bright red shoes but the matching nail polish was still glinting in the dying light. Her swishy skirt was rucked up around her thighs as she curled up next to him and her white blouse with the red trim had come further undone as if by magic. 

The heat of her body pressed against his was strange and had a certain _wrongness_ to it, but Jensen did not have the energy to do more than raise his hand for the next drink. Soon he would be blissfully unaware that just on the other side of town, Jared was sitting in Jeff’s apartment with two perfect little girls Jensen had not given him. Bitterness welled up inside him. That was the life he should have had, not this empty shell of an existence in a town he could not stand half the time. Too many reminders of a future that had been stolen from him. God, he wanted to hate Jared. Why could he not just hate him?

“What did you say?” Shirley asked breathily in his ear. Jensen turned his head slowly to look at her and was greeted with an eyeful of impressive cleavage.

“Hmm?” Jensen murmured, his gaze still on her breasts so he missed the triumphant look that crossed her face.

“You said something,” she clarified.

“Nothing,” Jensen said as he finally tore his eyes away from her. “Nothing important.”

“You gonna tell me why you felt the need to get completely wasted this evening?”

“Nope.”

“Good. I can’t stand whiny men.” She moved suddenly, and Jensen found himself sprawled on his back without her support. She slung a long shapely leg over his hips so she was straddling him and ground down firmly. “Ever wonder why I avoid my husband? ‘Cause he’s like a whiny little child. That and he can’t fuck for shit.”

Jensen tried to scramble away but he was locked between her strong legs and pinned by her weight. Her cool hands slithered up under his tee shirt and played with the bare skin above his waistband, all the while grinding down on his cock. His body craved contact but it was sluggish in responding when even his alcohol shrouded mind was screaming _no_.

“I’ve wanted you for _months_ , Jensen,” she whispered in his ear as her hand slipped lower, teasing his dick through the heavy layer of denim. “You fought against this for so long. Why did you fight, Jensen? It’s going to be so good.”

“No,” he mumbled against her mouth as he tried to jerk his head away. She laughed, sharp and jangling, at his efforts.

“Why are you saying no, Jensen? When I can feel how much you want me.”

“Don’t,” Jensen bit out as he tried to find the coordination to push her away. “Never did.”

She laughed again and reached for his fly. Seconds later Jensen was free. The weight of Shirley’s body was gone and his head fell back against the arm of the couch in relief.

“Get your fucking hands off him,” growled a familiar voice. But it was strange. That voice had never sounded so full of menace. The anger was familiar but the sheer desire to do violence that lurked behind was wrong.

“Jared?” Jensen whispered but he could not summon the energy to open his eyes.

“You’re okay, Jen,” replied Jared soothingly. Finally everything was alright again. Jared was home so he could stop worrying.

“No means no, you stupid bitch,” Jared hissed as he manhandled Shirley out of the door. “A whore like you should probably remember that.” Jensen frowned to himself. There was something off about the way Jared was talking, like the words hurt him as much as they were supposed to hurt Shirley. Why would Jared talk like that? 

Jensen cracked his eyes open long enough to see Shirley sneering at Jared as she thrust her feet back into the bright red shoes. She turned and left without a word and Jensen watched as Jared practically collapsed against the doorframe. Jared ran a shaking hand over his pale face and Jensen could see the fear showing clearly. It was confusing. Why would Jared be scared of a tiny woman like Shirley? His eyes drifted shut again. Nothing made any sense tonight.

Jensen felt large, cool hands caress his flushed face and he turned into the gentle touch, his frown disappearing. “Jared,” he mumbled as one of the hands smoothed through his hair before disappearing. Moments later he heard the sound of the water cooler.

“Drink this,” Jared ordered softly and Jensen gratefully drank down the cool liquid. There was a reason he had been drinking. A good reason. But what did he need to forget when Jared was with him? “There’s more water and a bucket by your head if you’re gonna hurl.”

“Always too good to me, J’red,” said Jensen with a smile.

“No, Jen, I’m not.”

Jensen frowned at the sorrow in Jared’s voice. “Don’t be sad, Jay. Missed you so much.”

“You’re better off without me, Jen.” Jared said as he lightly brushed his lips over Jensen’s. “Take care of yourself. Please do that for me.”

“Jay?” Jensen whispered as he slipped into unconsciousness.

 

*****

Light hurt his eyes when Jensen finally returned to the land of the living. Well, semi-alive at least. His neck ached from sleeping on the couch and his head pounded. There was an open bottle of aspirin next to the tall glass of water next to his head. He swallowed them down quickly as the slight movement of his head made the room spin.

“Jay?” he croaked as he gingerly sat up and kicked the trash can that rested next to the couch. There was only one person who did that for him. Jared had found out early on that Jensen was a bastard with a hangover and could never seem to work the childproof lids on the painkillers. Jared would always make sure he drank half his weight in water before bed, get another glass for the morning and put everything in arms reach so he would not have to move.

Jensen loved waking up to Jared. He felt safe and warm and loved. A smile tugged at his lips even through the pain in his head as he waited for Jared to come out of the bathroom or kitchen or wherever he was. Early morning freak that he was.

Everything was silent though and the room was way too cold. Jensen forced himself to open his eyes again and really look around. His office. He was in his office and Jared, Jared was a memory. The dream turned to ash in his mouth and he downed the water to rid himself of the bitter taste of disappointment. There was a bottle of tequila on the desk, half empty and staring at him invitingly.

As Jensen reached out for it he saw the bright red Camry was gone. So, not a dream. Jared had been there. He had taken care of Jensen and left before the day came. Just like last time. There was a reason Jensen hated waking up alone.

Anger flared through Jensen as he thought about it. How dare Jared act as though he gave a _damn_ about Jensen? He grabbed the bottle of tequila and took a pull. The liquid burned his throat but in seconds he felt his headache start to clear. His shirt was a mess and his hair stuck up in ways Jensen did not want to imagine, but there was no way he was letting Jared Padalecki run again.

For a town that was usually all up in everybody’s business, no one even attempted to talk to Jensen as he beat a steady path to Jeff’s door. The wild swing of his arms as he walked, accompanied by the bottle still clenched in his fist, and the glare that just dared someone to try and stop him, made most people cross the road to get away. Not that he cared. No one in this godforsaken little town mattered right now. All that mattered was getting that little fuck to stick around and deal for once.

Jensen saw the Camry before he saw its owner. Jared was leaning into the trunk to clear some space for the boxes at his feet when Jensen grabbed him and pulled him out.

“What the fu-?” Jared gasped as he narrowly avoided hitting his head. He immediately hunched in on himself, trying to make his 6’4” frame invisible. It would have made Jensen laugh if he was not so furious. “Jensen?” whispered Jared in amazement and fear.

“Where the hell do you think you’re goin’, Jared?” he said almost conversationally, if it had not been for the death glare he was giving the younger man. He ignored the way Jared shrank from his touch and obvious anger. He was sick of this shit eating away at him, sick of Jared running away all of the time.

“Jensen, I-“ Jared started but Jensen cut him off.

“No, Jared! You are gonna shut up and listen for once. Where the hell do you get off coming to _my town_ and pulling shit like this?”

“I never meant to,” Jared said huskily, his voice a hushed whisper that made it hard to hear over the pounding of Jensen’s blood. He refused to look at Jensen while hunching even further in on himself and that just made his fury swell.

“Yeah,” Jensen snorted derisively. “You turn up a few weeks before Alice’s birthday, you throw my best customer halfway across a room,-“

“So, what? You’re a hooker now? ‘Cause I don’t remember you fixing any cars right about then,” Jared said harshly. The mention of Alice had been ignored like always in favour of the little things.

“No, but I’m not adverse to a little flirting if it means I get paid every week!” Jensen shouted back. “You turn up and you look after me and you disappear the next day. You can’t do that to me, Jay.” Jensen felt the burning wetness of tears behind his eyes and he screwed them closed.

“I never wanted to hurt you, Jen,” Jared whispered, the momentary spark of defiance extinguished before it could catch. “I couldn’t cope. You deserve better than me.”

“Don’t you think I’m the one that gets to decide that? Jesus, Jared you just _left_!” Jensen yelled, but he could not hide the confusion he still felt at Jared’s desertion.

Jensen watched as Jared wrapped his arms around himself and ducked his head. He looked like he was expecting a physical blow as well as the verbal attack but Jensen would never do that to him, much as he really wanted to right now, especially when Jared was already pretty badly hurt.

“I wasn’t leaving,” Jared whispered into the silence that stretched between them. “I knew I couldn’t leave without trying to explain. Jeff didn’t know. I think he was as stunned as you were.” Jared shook his head slowly, his lips twisting into a humourless smile. “I’m amazed he didn’t kick me out that second.”

“Jeff wouldn’t do that,” Jensen said hotly.

“I know,” choked Jared. “Doesn’t mean he shouldn’t”

“Will you cut that shit out, Jared? What the hell has gotten into you?”

“Ten years, Jen. Ten years has gotten into me. I’m not the boy you knew anymore, if I ever was.”

“Damn straight you’re not!” Jensen growled. “You’d’a been kicking _my_ ass for all this self-pitying bullshit you’re wadin’ in.” Jensen caught the slight twitch at the corners of Jared’s mouth and fought to hold onto his anger. He needed it. He’d waited a long time for his chance to tell Jared what he thought about, well everything, he was not going to waste the chance because Jensen missed the guy’s _smile!_  “You were the one who was always convinced everything would be okay. What the hell happened to you?”

Jensen closed his eyes when Jared did not answer, then looked up at the house. He saw a swish of brown hair in the window and remembered the other reason he had gotten blind drunk the night before, drunk enough to almost get bedded by Mrs Baxter when on a good day she made his skin crawl.

“Whose are they, Jared?” Jensen asked quietly, his eyes still on the upstairs window. Jared followed his gaze and sighed.

“You know, Jen,” he said as he ran a trembling hand over his face. Jensen tore his eyes away and turned back to the shadow of a man he had once loved so fiercely. “God, I did not want to do this when you were drunk,” Jared said, almost to himself but Jensen heard and finally he had his anger back at full boil where it belonged.

“You didn’t want to do this at all!” Jensen said forcefully as he gestured wildly at the car with the bottle still clutched in his hand. “Just answer the goddamn question.”

“They’re mine,” Jared said simply.

“Yours. You mean they’re...did you...I mean, did you _carry_ them?” Jensen fumbled, not that he had ever had a problem saying it before but this was Jared and his baby girls. Jensen felt something icy shred into his heart and prayed he had misunderstood.

“Yeah. I’m their birth father. I carried them and squeezed ‘em out when the time came.” Jared once again refused to meet Jensen’s eyes but there was some of the old fire in the words if not the tone or body language. The soft spoken words were the ones Jensen had least wanted to hear but there they were dripping from Jared’s perfect mouth like poison.

“I thought you couldn’t,” Jensen asked softly, but the deadly gaze was back and he saw Jared take a half step back, his eyes wide with fear when he finally looked at Jensen. “After the crash, the doctors said...” Jensen trailed off. Even with the fury that roiled in his stomach he could not say the words that had caused Jared, caused them both, such pain.

“They were wrong,” Jared said softly. Three words that summed up everything that had happened ten years ago. He could still hear the kind voices as they tried to reassure him.  _“You’ll get through this, both of you. It will get better with time. It’ll stop hurting so much.”_  They were wrong.

“Who’s the father?” Jensen asked suddenly. He almost missed the panic that flooded Jared’s eyes, but he could not understand it. Was Jared scared of him, of his reaction? “You know what? Never mind.”

“What do you want from me, Jensen?” asked Jared, confusion and hurt and remorse fighting for dominance in those expressive eyes.

“Were we that easy to forget?” Jensen asked brokenly. He was a washed up old rag, torn full of holes by the relentless passage of Life. The evidence that Jared had been able to move on and pick up the pieces again was sitting upstairs and waiting for their father.

“No!” Jared burst out instantly. The horror of the thought making his already pale skin look grey. “Never, Jensen. I never forgot.”

“But you didn’t come back either,” Jensen said. He sounded as lost as he felt and he hated himself for that weakness.

“It was for the best, Jen. I would have torn you apart. I meant what I said, you deserve better,” Jared said softly.

“The best for who?” Jensen asked bitterly and watched Jared as he played with the hem of a tiny blanket that was hanging out of one of the boxes. He watched Jared trace the initials that were embroidered in the corner, AAP. Alice. Jensen felt his throat tighten and he had to force the words out. “Please stay. Just a little longer. Just...please, go and see her.”

Jensen saw the tears sparkling on Jared’s eyelashes as he nodded slowly. His head was still downcast, staring at the letters he was tracing almost without conscious thought. His face was gaunt and his entire body was locked with tension as if any movement, any sound, would shatter him into a thousand pieces. Suddenly, Jensen felt horribly sober.

 

*****

Jared stood locked in his own personal nightmare, one he had managed to keep at bay for the last ten years. Jensen’s words had torn the fragile illusion away. His body shook as he fought against the memories that threatened to overwhelm him. There was nothing that could be done but let them come while Jensen looked on with a bottle in his hand and sorrow in his eyes.

_Jared sat in the back of the SUV, squirming uncomfortably. There was never enough room for him to settle any more. He barely remembered what it was like to complain about the leg space when it was so hard to get his rounded belly in and out of the car these days. His stomach had been growing almost before his eyes for the last three months and everything hurt. He could not understand why Jensen still clung to him at night when they were together. The fun can’t-get-enough-sex phase was over but Jensen still sat through his hormonal mood swings and told him how gorgeous he was. Regardless, Jared was not going to question his luck now. He had Jensen and they were going to start a new life together with their daughter. He smiled softly and glanced up at his mother as her hand joined his on his belly._

_“You doing okay?” she asked softly and Jared nodded his eyes lighting up with joy. He had Jensen and they were having a baby. How could he not be okay? “I know it’s hard at this stage but it’s worth it.”_

_“Yeah. Just wish I knew why Jensen is dragging us halfway across the state when he knows I hate being stuck in a car like this,” Jared said grumpily, frowning when he saw the smirk his father and brother shared in the front. “You know!” he accused, glaring at them._

_“I’m just playing the chauffeur,” his father said lightly. “A good chauffeur knows when to keep his mouth shut.” Megan giggled and Jared turned awkwardly towards her._

_“You too? All of you? You’re supposed to be my family and you’re conspiring with my boyfriend behind my back?”_

_“Calm down, Jared,” his mother said softly, a smile lighting her voice. He felt his annoyance start to slip away as he looked at her. “Jensen told us he had some news but he didn’t share what. Your father and Jeff are messing with you,” she continued, giving her husband and eldest son a stern glare._

_At that moment Jared’s cell rang, the electronic tones grating because he just knew who was on the other end of the line. Jared hit the answer button and barked into the phone, “you stole my family!”_

_“What can I say? I’m adorable. It was only a matter time before they realised it.” Jensen said smugly and Jared grinned despite himself. It was not fair for Jensen to be right all the time. But it was not like his family ever had a chance, with Jared so head over heels for the man all they could do was fall in line and love Jensen too._

_Even when they announced the pregnancy, his family had been so supportive, helping them organise everything and fussing over Jared until he wanted to scream. He had no idea what he would do without them. His momma was keeping him sane right now when he could not be with Jensen, even if it was only for a few weeks._

_“Just wait until they realise what you’re really like. They’ll come crawling back to me, begging forgiveness,” Jared retorted._

_“Yeah, that’s likely,” Jeff called back from the passenger seat. Jared scowled at him and was pointedly ignored while Jensen tried to contain his fit of laughter._

_After a few moments Jensen managed to regain control of himself. “You done?” Jared asked._

_“I’m sorry, Jay,” said Jensen and he actually seemed to mean it. “You gonna be long?”_

_“If I knew where we were going I might be able to tell you.”_

_“We’re about a half hour out, Jensen,” his father called back, getting the gist of the conversation._

_“Tell Jerry thanks. You and the baby doing okay?” Jensen asked with a gentle tone reserved only for Jared and their baby. Jared loved to hear it. It felt like honey trailing over his skin and he knew no one else would ever get to hear it directed at them._

_“We’re fine. She’s a little restless though. Makes long journeys hell,” Jared said pointedly but with enough affection that Jensen would know he was teasing._

_“I know, Jay, but it’ll be worth it. I promise.”_

_“And if the suspense makes her pop ahead of schedule?” Jared asked._

_“My girl knows better than to make an appearance without me. You’re not going through this alone, Jared,” said Jensen softly._

_“I know. I couldn’t do it without you,” Jared replied, caught up in his conversation. He had almost forgotten that they had an audience but his brother and sister started making gagging noises while his father chuckled._

_“God, you guys will melt my teeth in a minute,” Megan said with another retching motion._

_“Will you two stop that!” his mother scolded while Jared tried to get enough leverage to punch his sister. He could hear Jensen giggling over the phone._

_“You’re not helping!” he told Jensen, sighing in frustration as he gave up the attack on his sibling. Instead he gently started rubbing his belly where the baby had started moving around again._

_“I love you, baby. Both of you.” Jensen said, amusement and affection lacing his voice._

_“We know,” Jared said and the stupid grin he had been wearing for the last two years spread across his face._

_“I can see your dimples from here. You know you corrupted me right?”_

_“You were the one who got me pregnant,” Jared said, laughing._

_“Only ‘cause you lured me with your hotness ‘n’ all.”_

_“True, but I’m not going into this with my parents in the car.”_

_“You mean you would if it was just us?” Jeff asked, horrified._

_“Probably, but you already find it hard enough to keep your hands off Jensen as it is so I guess I shouldn’t tempt you any more,” Jared taunted and laughed as Jeff turned pale._

_“Dad, watch out!” Megan screamed._

_Everything slowed down. Jared could remember with perfect clarity the black van bearing down on them out of the intersection. The horror on his family’s faces, his father’s desperate attempts to avoid the van that just kept coming. At the last second the driver tried to turn but it was too late. The screech of metal drowned out the frantic yells on his cell phone as Jensen listened to the nightmare slowly unfolding around him._

_There was glass everywhere and the sickening fumes of gas spilling onto the asphalt. Jared felt something wet hit him as he hung upside down, suspended by the seatbelt digging into his abdomen. His mother hung beside him but Megan had fallen, her body covered in blood and skin as pale as death._

_Jared screamed. He screamed until his voice was gone. He screamed for Jensen, for his family, for his baby. The baby that had been happily kicking him for the last three hours and had finally settled. Jared felt cold inside while he waited to be cut free. He waited for Alice to wake up, for Jensen to wake him with a gentle kiss and tell him he was still dreaming._

_He waited for the beautiful future Jensen had promised him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> non-con due to alcohol/molestation - Jensen is unable to refuse because of his intoxication and mental state even though he doesn't want the sexual contact


	8. Chapter 7

Tom leaned back into the soft black leather. The large desk was orderly and currently clear of everything except a manila folder lying open in front of him. On top of the sheaf of papers within, was a picture of Jared – one of the first taken after Jared had finally agreed to date him - wide eyed and smiling into the camera. It had been a long time since Tom had seen that particular smile but there were other things Tom could avail himself of now, not just a pretty face but a hard body and tight ass. And there were not many people that could tell the difference between one of Jared’s real and fake smiles, especially when the real ones only appeared when he looked at Bethany and Annabel. Sometimes he hated Jared for that. He deserved those smiles just as much as the twins, more since he was the reason Jared even had any children.

After a long moment Tom raised his eyes to meet similar blue ones set in strong, long features and surrounded by fuzz that was barely long enough to be called hair. It should have looked scruffy, but the crisp lines of his suit and the calculating air of confidence the man exuded avoided that trap.

“This is all you have?” Tom asked calmly, pinning the man’s gaze with his own. The man nodded, returning the look with cool equanimity. “You’ve had over a week and this is the best you could do?”

“Look, Tom, you didn’t exactly give me a lot to go on, a beaten up black Ford without even a partial plate in Texas. What did you expect me to find?” he asked calmly. He had not moved or looked away the entire time. Tom never ceased to be impressed by the man. There was a reason Mike Rosenbaum was a world class lawyer; it was the same reason Tom had hired him in the first place.

“No, _you_ listen, Mike. I hired your firm because you’re the best. I’m not seeing the best right now. Don’t you have investigators that can actually do their job?”

“I’ve got a guy working on this right now; the best we have, but it’s not going to be a quick or easy job. You have to understand that.”

“I don’t care. All I want is my daughters and my boyfriend back. Jared had no right to try and take them away from me. They’re mine.  _He’s_ mine,” Tom growled. Jared would be nothing without him. He could barely look after himself let alone the twins. For Jared to think any different was laughable but he still insisted on running away. Why did Jared make him do these things? All he wanted was some respect from his family. After all, he provided for them, made sure they had everything they needed. Was it too much to ask for a little courtesy, a little respect?

“It would have been easier if you’d married him like I told you. We could have contacted the police and reported Bethany and Annabel as being kidnapped.”

“It wasn’t an issue,” Tom said dismissively. “He knows his place and whatever this temporary insanity of his is, I’ll make sure it never happens again. So long as you manage to do your job and find him.”

“Like you said, Tom, our firm is the best,” Mike said calmly as he rose from his chair opposite Tom. “Next time listen to what I tell you and you won’t have to go through all this ever again. You can’t afford the potential exposure if you want to run for Governor and a husband on your arm instead of a boyfriend will make the public more inclined to vote for you. After al,l you’re a family man that understands what they are going through.”

“You really think Jared will try anything like this again when I get him back?” Tom grated out, the cool veneer he had held over his anger finally snapping. “Jared will remember his place and he’ll learn to love it if he wants to see Bethany and Annabel ever again.”

“So in love, Tom,” said Mike derisively. “I honestly can’t think why he wanted to leave.”

“Well, you’re not paid to think about my love life, Mike. You’re currently being paid to help me get Jared back and get me elected to office. Why don’t we keep it at that?”

“I’ve done a lot more than that over the years, Tom. Hell, I’m the closest thing to a real friend you got so why don’t we cut the crap. We both know how you get off and if any of it gets out there’s not a hope in hell of you getting elected,” Mike said, matching Tom’s aggressive tone. “You _pay me_ to make sure the Welling name stays pristine, so help me do my job. I’ll find your boy but it’ll take some time.”

“Just do it, Mike,” Tom said as he collapsed back into his chair.  He wasn’t even aware of standing in the first place. He ran a hand through his carefully sculpted, overlong black hair. This business with Jared had him on edge. No one else had caused this much trouble. Hell, most of his exes had loved being on his arm, loved a little rough play, or could cope with it for the rewards of being associated with the Welling family name. Jared though, Jared had seemed too pure for his usual games and Tom had never needed them when they were together. Jared was the only one that had gotten under his skin. The only one who had been able to drive him to distraction. The only one that had given him a family and now it was all slipping through his fingers.

Tom stared at the picture. It was the face of an angel, even if that turned out to be untrue. He had wanted Jared from the first moment he had set eyes on the man. Those eyes had been haunted but Tom had made them smile again. The shy innocence was all lies and deceit but Tom would be damned if he let Jared go now. He demanded better of Jared and Jared worked hard to _be_ better. They had built a life together.

Jared had told Tom right at the beginning he could not conceive. It was supposed to be a fuck - well a few fucks considering the time and effort he had put into Jared - that was all. They had enjoyed some of the hottest, wildest sex Tom had ever had. Jared had blushed like a virgin and moaned like a whore, taking everything Tom had to offer and begging for more. It was everything Tom had hoped for in the months of courting Jared. One taste and Tom knew he would never be able to let Jared go and all they had shared since only served to cement that knowledge.

When they had found out that Jared’s bout of the flu was actually morning sickness about three months after they got together, Tom had been shell-shocked. He was going to be a father. He had been angry at first, not ready to shoulder the responsibility, but when he turned accusing eyes on Jared, he saw the tears streaming down the younger man’s face. The pure agony in that gaze made him wrap Jared in his arms. It took half an hour for Jared to regain coherency and tell him what had happened; the crash that had cost Jared his family and taken away his future.  And still, he had not mentioned the man in the photograph Jared kept tucked away in his wallet. Short, stocky, handsome in an ordinary kind of way, Tom thought dismissively. But Jared kept him hidden, kept a part of his past from Tom and that was not acceptable. At that moment however, there had been more important considerations. Thoughts of this stranger were swept aside in the knowledge he was going to be a father.  There was no way Tom could stay angry at him and as the news sunk in they had started to smile tentatively. By the time they had left the doctor’s they were grinning like they would never stop.

It had been a good day and he had two beautiful daughters to show for it. His beautiful twins, who were going to know both their fathers. Jared could not keep him from them. Tom had the resources and the contacts that meant Jared had nowhere to hide. It would just take time and Tom had all the patience in the world if he knew the end result would be in his favour.

 

*****

Hangovers were not worth the hassle, Jensen decided as he sat with Jared outside of the diner. Jared had actually agreed to go and see Alice. Seconds later, he was on his knees, clutching the blanket as silent tears tracked down his face. It broke Jensen’s heart to see the pain etched into Jared’s face. He knew exactly where Jared’s thoughts had turned, the expression was the one he saw on his own face every day around this time of year.

Jensen crawled over to Jared, discarding the half empty bottle and letting it flow onto the dusty ground. He pulled the silently weeping man into his arms and felt the strong grip he once knew so well. It felt like home and he breathed in the scent that was purely _Jared._  Soft brown hair tickled Jensen’s face and he ran his hands gently through it; his own heart calmed by the action. Jared fit like he always had, perfect and right in his arms.

It took Jensen a while to realise they were no longer alone. Jeff was standing in the doorway with Beth and Annabel on either side of him. The girls looked scared to approach but defiant too, like if they had a reason they would be at their father’s side in an instant whether they were supposed to or not. He saw the indecision in Jeff’s face and smiled, only then realising that tears of his own had been falling freely.

Jensen softly beckoned Beth and Annabel over. He held out an arm to them while clinging to Jared with the other. Now Jared was back there was no way Jensen was ever letting him go, but that would have to wait for a while.

Beth and Annabel stepped hesitantly towards Jensen but they stopped short of being enveloped in the hug.

“It’s okay,” Jensen said gently, his voice rough with alcohol and emotion. “Your Papa needs you. He’s sad and needs to know you’re here.”

Beth nodded and placed a small hand on her father’s shoulder. Jared shuddered in Jensen’s arms and he felt a breathy whisper against his neck. Jensen gently guided Beth into the circle of their arms and Annabel ran the few steps to join them. Annabel’s lashes were wet with unshed tears and Jensen held her tight. The scent of children’s shampoo combining with the spice of Jared.

“It’s okay, baby,” Jensen whispered, unsure who he was directing it at. “Please don’t cry. I’m gonna take care of you. All of you. You won’t have to cry again. I promise,” Jensen said, his voice breaking as he spoke.

They sat there until the midday sun forced them inside. Well, until Jeff grabbed Jensen’s shoulder and told him to take them all inside. He practically carried Jared up the stairs to Jeff’s apartment while Beth and Annabel clung to his legs. Jeff followed them up and grabbed tall glasses of water for them all. Jensen’s head throbbed with the remnants of alcohol and dehydration but he had no urge to leave the tangle of limbs and bodies that was Jared and his daughters. Jared had stopped crying somewhere along the line but he had yet to raise his head from Jensen’s shoulder. He clung to Jensen like he would shatter if he let go.

Jensen gently raised Jared’s head and held the glass up for him to drink. The beautiful hazel eyes Jensen remembered so well looked at him with wonder and they drank in the sight of each other; the sight they had been starved of for so long. As Jared’s gaze slowly sharpened, Jensen felt the tension start to hum through the younger man’s body. The fingers locked into Jensen’s hair tightened to the point of pain. Without realising, Jensen found himself whispering reassuringly into Jared’s ear, pulling him close once more, though whether it was more for Jared or Jensen was a mystery.

“It’s okay, Jay. It’s over. It’s all over. I’m here. Beth and Annie are right here too. They need their Papa, Jay. Come back to them. Please come back to me, baby,” Jensen whispered as he brushed Jared’s hair back from his forehead. It felt exactly the same as he remembered and for a moment he allowed himself to believe the last ten years had not happened. But when Jared finally pulled back, the desolation cast over his once carefree features ripped the illusion away.

The girls followed Jared as he disengaged himself from Jensen’s embrace but they watched Jensen steadily, as if he would disappear if they looked away, even for an instant. 

“I’m sorry, Jay,” said Jensen, his voice hoarse. “I shouldn’t have pushed you so hard.”

“Don’t,” Jared bit out. “Don’t take it back. You meant it and don’t pretend any different.”

“I wasn’t going to. I do think you should visit her, but I shouldn’t have ambushed you like that. It wasn’t fair.” Jensen paused and watched Jared rubbing soothing circles into the girls’ backs. “I didn’t realise you kept the blanket.”

“Where did you think it went?” Jared asked without the heat Jensen would have expected.

“Mom helped clear out her things before you left the hospital. She thought it would be too painful for you. I, I couldn’t...” he petered off. The first time his mother had tried to put everything away, Jensen had flipped. He had thrown his mother out and spent the next twelve hours sitting there with all of the things he and Jared had bought for her. It was only when his mom had played the “Jared’s welfare” card that Jensen had let her clear the room while he sat at Jared’s bedside. When Jensen had returned home the aching emptiness in his heart had a physical focus as he looked at the stripped down room. He had traced the patterns of Disney princesses on the wall and sat in the empty room until his father had broken in and dragged him away.

“Donna gave it to me before I left. She said I should have something,” Jared said softly. “I think I hated her for that. The last thing I wanted was another reminder.”

“But you kept it.”

“I’m not the only one.” Jared reached out and brushed his hand over Jensen’s wrist. His long fingers danced over the bracelet that rested there, tracing the name the tiny beads made like he had with the initials on the blanket. “Momma made this for her. I wondered where it had gone.”

“They found it in the wreckage.”

Jared shifted and Jensen noticed Beth and Annabel fidgeting on his lap. They were watching the exchange avidly, the tension palpable, but boredom was setting in too. They did not understand what was going on, why their Papa was so upset and what this strange man had to do with it all.

“Papa?” Annabel said softly in her father’s ear while eyeing Jensen warily. “Can we go see Jeff now? Chad’s gonna juggle plates and Sophia said Jeff’s gonna pitch a fit. What’s pitch a fit, Papa?”

Jared chuckled and caught Jensen’s eye for a moment. “It means he’s gonna be mad, Annie.”

“I know, why don’t we all go watch and see if Chad can do it, huh?” Jensen asked with a wink at Annabel. “Then you’ll get to see the colour Jeff goes when he’s mad. Though we’ll have to make sure he sees you ‘cause that man was in the army for eight years and he’s got one heck of a mouth on him.”

“You want to subject my girls to Jeff’s potty mouth?” Jared asked incredulously.

“You telling me you wanna miss Chad get fired?” Jensen hit back.

“Jeff’ll fire him?” Jared asked, instantly on guard.

“Yeah. It happens about once a month but then Jeff realises he can’t do the breakfast rush alone.”

Jared chuckled again and small dimples appeared at the corners of his mouth. Jensen had missed that smile and he enjoyed making it appear again. “Why don’t you two go on ahead?” Jared said as he heaved them off his knee and patted their butts in the direction of the stairs. “I’ll be down in a minute.”

“Are you coming too, Jensen?” Beth asked, hesitantly.

“Sure thing, Miss Bethany. I’d follow you anywhere.” Beth grinned shyly and glanced at her father for reassurance. She giggled as Jensen bowed to her and curtseyed quickly in return. She ran to the door and waited there with Annabel. They were not about to leave their father alone and Jensen knew that. He nudged Jared and gave him a soft smile. The things left between them would not be settled in a day and that was okay. Jared rose from the couch and strode over to his waiting children without a single glance back.

Jensen watched the young family walk out in front of him. They huddled close together, none of them letting go of each other. It was like there was no room for anyone else in their lives even if Jensen had politely been allowed a front row seat for the time being. He found himself wondering if it would have been the same if Alice had been with them, not that it was any use. They had had their shot and, much as Jensen wanted it back, there was nothing he could do but move forward. If only he had known that Jared was still there in front of him like a mirage.

 

*****

Chad broke six plates in the end. Beth and Annabel yelped in confused excitement, diving for cover behind Jared and Jensen, while Jared tried not to flinch. Jeff watched from the sidelines, biding his time to enter for the best effect. He let Chad get away with a lot because of his talent in the kitchen but sometimes he needed to be reminded of his place. Hence the waiting.

Just as Chad threw the last whole plate in the air Jeff barged in scowling. “Just what the heck is going on here!” he shouted into the sudden quiet that followed his entrance and the sharp sound of broken crockery. “Murray, clean this mess up and get the hell out! You’re fired.” Jeff swung to face Sophia and waved a finger at her. “You, Sophia, are gonna be pulling extra shifts to cover for this waste of space seeing as how you stood back and watched while he destroyed my kitchen. And don’t think you get by unscathed, Ackles. You are gonna service my truck _for_ _free_. And Jared, you get to cover the kitchen until I find a replacement for that idiot!”

Jeff looked around the room with satisfaction. All four of them looked shamefaced but amusement sparkled behind their eyes. Well, for the most part. Jared looked horrified and pale, like he was about to faint. Jeff had the grace to feel slightly ashamed. Jared could not have been expecting such a scene, even if everyone else was. He raised wet eyes to Jeff, begging forgiveness while Chad and Sophia industriously cleared up the mess. Jeff gave him a slow smile and winked. It did not seem to have an appreciable effect until Jensen nudged Jared in the arm and whispered something to him.

A small grin lit up Jared’s face and the tension started to recede from his stance, though it did not entirely disappear. It had worked out better than he thought. The way this panned out would mean Jensen and Jared would keep crossing paths. One thing Jeff knew for sure was that Jensen missed Jared all the time. He missed his best friend as much as his lover, but then, if the letters were anything to go by they had never made that kind of distinction.

Jeff wandered back out into the diner and grinned at his regulars. They were used to the occasional outburst between Chad and Jeff and they knew the quality of the food would not diminish regardless of the content of their floor show. There were a few scared looking tourists on their way through town and Jeff made sure to cover them all. He picked up the jug of coffee and smoothly melted their fears away with a warm smile and free coffee.

As soon as he had come out of the kitchen, Jeff had seen Sam sitting at the end of the counter with a knowing smirk. He ignored her as he set out to sooth his clientele, telling himself it was because he could not stand her superior attitude every time this happened, because she always managed to catch the show. Truth was, he just wanted to devote as much time as possible to her. Pathetic as that made him sound, it was all he wanted.

“So, Chad fired again?” she drawled.

“Yeah. He was juggling with the crockery. He was on his ass so fast he didn’t know what hit him,” Jeff replied, trying to muster the fake anger he had employed with the kids in the back. Sam leaned forward as he filled her coffee mug and he struggled to control his breathing.

“Bullshit,” she whispered in his ear before pulling back. Her long fingers wrapped around the mug and she rolled her eyes in pleasure as she took the first sip. “Divine as ever, Jeff,” she said softly. “So, who was in the firing line this morning?”

“The usual suspects, though Jensen has to service my truck for the pleasure of watching that jackass break stuff. Jared’s on kitchen duty again and the usual terms for Chad and Sophia.”

“How did Jared take it?” Sam asked. Again Jeff wondered at her ability to get right to the heart of his problems and worries.

“He was terrified. Thought he was gonna pass out,” Jeff said, chagrined. “Beth and Annie seemed okay, though a little slow to get going, they were enjoying the spectacle even after I started yelling. Jensen had a tight hold on their hands the moment I stepped through the door.”

“You didn’t warn him?” Sam asked incredulously.

“No. Didn’t think of it. He’s come so far, Sam,” said Jeff earnestly. “I know he’s still nervous but, the way we all talk to each other, I thought...” Jeff trailed off. Sam glared at him and he nodded slowly. “I know. Coulda kicked myself when I saw his face, but Jensen said something to him. Calmed him right down.”

“They talkin’ now?”

“Yeah. I don’t know what Jensen said, but it worked like a charm,” Jeff said. He glanced around the diner once more before leaning closer to Sam. He did not want anyone to overhear their conversation; the town was rife with gossip as it was. “You shoulda seen ‘em earlier though, Sam. Thought my heart would break. I don’t know what Jensen said or did but Jared just broke down and cried like he would never stop. Jensen was drunk as hell and clutching a bottle of tequila like it was the only thing keeping him standing. Beth and Annabel had no idea what was going on but they were scared Jensen was hurting Jared.”

“Jensen would never-“ Sam started but Jeff waved her off.

“I know. I told them to go over and the four of them were holding tight onto each other with barely a hesitation. I’m surprised to see ‘em all down here so soon actually. Thought I might have to sacrifice a few more plates to Chad’s stupid ideas.”

“Jeff, did you actually want Jared to see that? What did you hope to accomplish?” Sam asked sharply.

“I know how those two work, Sam. From all the stories I heard, Jared was almost as bad as Chad when they were younger - worse because Jared isn’t stupid. I wanted Jared to remember what that was like.”

“That’s not all though is it? Jensen fixing up the truck, here no doubt, and Jared in the kitchens? You trying to get them back together?” asked Sam and Jeff ran his cloth over the counter in an effort to avoid her gaze. “I don’t believe you Jeffrey Dean Morgan!” hissed Sam. “After everything those boys have been through you can’t just play matchmaker. They aren’t the same people they were back then and no matter how much they miss each other it’s stupid to think they can just go back like nothing had happened!”

“That’s not what I’m trying to do! I know they can’t just ignore everything that happened, but Jared needs someone, someone who loves him and Jensen is it. The only thing that is gonna get them through is each other. No matter what hell Jared’s lived through that boy needs Jensen like he needs air and if the opposite isn’t true I’ve been watching some other Jensen drink himself into oblivion every year!”

“Why are you so sure about this? You never even met Jared before now. You certainly didn’t see them together.”

“No, but Jensen told me everything.”

“It’s not the same, Jeff.”

“I know, but I’m not talking about when I came back. When I joined up Jensen promised to write me. He was in school, looking forward to college in a few years and I loved hearing about normal life. So Jensen wrote me, told me about everything he was doing.” Jeff laughed at the memory of the one letter. “First time he mentioned Jared he talked about being attacked by two dogs and a giant puppy. Only realised the ‘puppy’ was actually a fourteen year old boy called Jared when the next letter came.”

Sam smiled and Jeff beamed at her. Yeah, the boy Jared had been was nowhere to be seen but that did not mean Jeff was giving up. “Even if they never get back together, Sam, they need to deal with the past ‘cause it’s eating them alive.”

Sam nodded and stared at the coffee slowly going cold in front of her. Jeff thought back over other snippets of Jared and Jensen’s burgeoning friendship turned romance as they sat in silence. Most of them were hazy because it had been years since he had read those letters, but there was always a clear thread of _Jared._ Jeff remembered the panic lacing Jensen’s letter after he had first kissed Jared. He was so afraid he had taken advantage of their friendship, even though it was obvious to pretty much everyone that it was only a matter of time before Jared made the first move. Jensen had unconsciously poured out every longing he did not even realised he had in his letters. 

Not that anything had really changed afterwards. Jensen had been terrified that Jared would hate him or they would lose the easy camaraderie that they had but the next letter had been full of their usual antics but with avid descriptions of their make out sessions added for Jeff’s enjoyment. Jeff had laughed and groaned and sent a stern reply to _cut it the hell out!_  After that Jensen only sent graphic descriptions when he really wanted to piss Jeff off.

There was so much history between the two of them. There was still so much Jensen did not know and all Jeff could do was watch and make sure they did not break each other worse than before.


	9. Chapter 8

The hot summer days wore on as Jared worked in the diner. It was rapidly reaching the point where he dreaded the idea of leaving the place even though he knew he would have to. It felt like home and Jared had not had that since the crash. Still, he could not impose on Jeff indefinitely. It was not fair on him _or_ Jensen. The constant reminder of a painful past and a family that Jensen had been robbed of had flayed them both open as though it was ten days, not ten years.

None of that stopped Jared staring. He watched as Jensen worked on the black pickup in lunch breaks and after work. The sweat would glisten on his beautifully tanned skin with a smattering of freckles Jared could only see because he knew to look, soaking Jensen’s t-shirt until he discarded it in the heat. If Jeff or his girls noticed Jared’s disctraction, they did not say anything; they worked and played together the same as always.

Beth and Annie were blossoming in their environment, no longer afraid for their father. They smiled more freely than Jared could ever remember. It was idyllic but Jared could see the swaying sword hanging above them. Nothing this perfect could last forever and he would not survive if it was taken so brutally from him once more.

Jared watched as Jensen took a long drink of iced water. The condensation on the glass dripped onto his chest and his throat was thrown into stark relief as he tilted his head back. Jared’s mouth went dry when he gazed at the finely honed muscles in Jensen’s arms and the long fingers that curled around the glass. He swallowed convulsively and tore his eyes away. He had to call Jensen in soon and he did not want to have to do it with a hard on.

In the end, Jensen came in himself. He had tucked the grease stained t-shirt into his jeans and headed straight for the fridge. He pulled out two sodas and collapsed into his favourite chair.

“How’s lunch coming?” Jensen asked after taking a long drink.

“Nearly done,” Jared replied quietly. He refused to turn before he had to even though, or maybe especially because, he could feel Jensen’s eyes on him. Jensen had come in like that nearly every day, bare-chested and gorgeous, seemingly oblivious to his effect on Jared. “We’ve got cold cuts, salad and watermelon.”

“Sounds good. You gonna join me today?” Jensen asked lightly, but Jared could hear the deeper questions that had lurked between them since he had agreed to see Alice. Jensen wanted answers; ones Jared could not give him and ones he did not want to. They were both waiting for something to give and neither of them knew what it would be.

“Sure,” Jared said, ignoring as always, anything beyond the surface. They ate in silence. Jensen passed the salad dressing without being asked and Jared grabbed more drinks a second before Jensen was going to get up. They had done this for years and still knew each other’s habits better than their own. It was so easy to read a gesture, a look, but the gulf that was between them seemed as unbridgeable as ever.  Jared still jumped if Jensen touched him unexpectedly or backed off if he came too close. He could see the hurt and confusion in Jensen’s eyes and he prayed for a way to take it away. Thing was, he knew how to do that, knew what Jensen wanted, but he could not give it to him. Jared was weak. He craved the closeness they once had but he could not do the thing that would bring them back together nor could he bring himself to sever the final connection between them and leave, even though he knew it was the best course of action. Staying would only hurt Jensen more in the end.

“Have you thought about it any more?” Jensen asked quietly after a while. It shook Jared out of his reverie and firmly into territory he did not want to be. He felt his face close down and he quickly gathered the now empty plates. “I’m not trying to rush you, Jared.”

“I know. I-I’m not trying to be difficult,” Jared trailed off.

“We have time,” Jensen said simply as he helped Jared stack the plates. Jared wanted to weep at the care Jensen was showing him. He did not deserve it and the sooner Jensen realised that the better off he would be.

As Jared watched Jensen head back out to the car, Jeff called for him. Three orders were up, Sophia was out and Chad was still in Jeff’s bad graces, even though Jensen assured Jared it was a vacation for Chad. That left only one person able to take the food out to the diner. 

The first time he had ventured out with an order, Jared had dropped everything. He had cowered at Jeff’s feet as he scrambled to pick up the broken pieces, sure that there would be retribution. Jeff had just bent down and helped, not that he thought Jeff would show his anger in front of a diner full of customers. Jared had risked a glance around and seen the calculating look in Jeff’s eyes and the sympathetic glances of everyone around. Now, more than ever, Jared was sure Jeff would not let it lie and all he could think was that he was glad Jensen was back outside working on the truck, oblivious to what was about to happen.

Jared had fled back to the kitchen as soon as possible, trembling and trying to get himself back under control before Jeff came back. Ten minutes later Jeff walked through the swinging door with two steaming cups of coffee. Jared had been afraid to take one, his shaking hands too unsteady to hold it without spilling or dropping the cup.

“Sit down, Jared,” Jeff said firmly and Jared sat stiffly on the edge of the chair. “Accidents happen.   Everyone does it, Jared, and the worst that happens is me taking it out of your wages.” Jared nodded dumbly, still unable to look Jeff in the face. “Jared, please look at me.” Jeff paused, waiting for Jared to comply and Jared reluctantly raised his head. “I don’t know what that guy did to you but I have a pretty good idea and you need to realise I’m not him. No one here is gonna hurt you, especially not me. You don’t have to talk to me, tell me your history, but you’re safe here. I need the help and you’ve done amazing things in this kitchen. Hell, you give Chad a run for his money at that grill. It’s time for you to stop hiding away.”

Jared’s heart was beating in his chest. How much had he given away? How much could Jeff possibly know if he was still willing to have someone like Jared under his roof?  But everything Jeff said was true. Jeff had never raised his hand in anger towards Jared, had been careful not to even raise his voice in Jared’s presence most of the time, but it was still hard to believe. He was safe and being around Jensen was starting to make him wonder at just how far removed he now was from the person he had been.

Jeff stood and looked down at Jared. “There are another two orders in. Get ‘em ready and bring ‘em on out,” Jeff said as he smiled and drained the last of his coffee. He left Jared in peace to cook and fifteen minutes later Jared was heading out front once more. The rest of the shift passed quickly and without incident, Jared’s confidence increasing with each trip.

 

*****

The customers were friendly and smiled genuinely when Jared served them. There was curiosity in their eyes but they did not pry or ask questions except to get refills or more ketchup. Jared would smile shyly, get them what they needed and move on each time. It was wonderful to see Jared finally start to interact with people again. Jeff had left him to his own devices for far too long.

“How’s he doin’?” Jeff started at the sound of Jensen’s voice so close. He was getting rusty. There was no way Jensen should have been able to get that close without him noticing and Jensen knew it if the faint smirk was anything to go by. They stood and watched as Jared was drawn into conversation with one of the regulars at the other end of the diner, talking about their kids and what a handful young twins could be. There was a sweet smile on Jared’s face but Jeff could see the careful distance Jared kept between them.

“He’s getting there,” Jeff said cautiously. He was unwilling to let Jensen know how shaken Jared had been by the dropped orders. If he knew anything, it was that Jensen would never let it go. He would charge in ready to fight dragons for Jared and that was the last thing any of them needed. Jared needed to feel safe in order to open up but if Jensen found out what Jeff suspected, his fierce protectiveness could undo everything Jared had built here.

“You never did tell me what you thought was going on with him,” Jensen said leadingly, as if he could read Jeff’s mind.

“I told you it’s not for me to say. Especially when all I have is a lot of guesswork.”

“I heard what you said to him, Jeff. He was terrified of you but he just sat there. Did, did someone hurt him?” Jensen asked quietly, his voice strained but controlled.

Jeff turned to look fully at Jensen, his eyes guarded. This was Jensen at his most deceptive. He was calm and collected, like they were talking about some TV show rather than his ex-lover, but Jeff could see the tension in his shoulders and mouth. It would not take much for Jensen to explode, just a wrong word from Jeff would do it and everything would be just as he feared. Damn Jensen for eavesdropping like that.

“Jensen, I am not telling you shit right now. I know you and I know what you want but I am _not_ going into it here. I’ve got a business to run and I do not want you messing with my staff or my customers. Go home and cool off.” Jensen opened his mouth to protest but Jeff waved him silent. “Go home. Come back after we close and _talk_ to him, Jensen.”

They stood watching Jared in silence as he worked, Jensen thrumming with tension. The time was Jared would have been the life and soul of the place, not one person would have been neglected or left without Jared knowing their life story. Now it was all Kim Campbell, one of the diner’s regulars and rather effusive in her own right, could do to get him talking at all. It helped Kim also had a pair of twins, though they were grown up attending UT now. She was laughing sweetly as she related one of many stories about her boys – the town still went on high alert whenever they were back from college – but Jared only smiled a little, a genuine smile but one that was a shadow compared to the jubilant grins Jensen was used to. It was hard to remember that this was the same person who had charmed everyone he met with his ready smile, fast mouth and infectious laugh.

_Jensen stood under the shade of his usual tree and scanned the horizon for Jared’s familiar figure. They had been meeting on and off for the past six months and it was the perfect antidote for his hectic workload and the huge changes college life brought. A small smile played on his lips as he waited patiently. Sadie and Harley were a handful so Jared was often a few minutes late, not that it bothered Jensen. The park was beautiful in spring, before the harsh Texas summer started turning everything to a burnt brown._

_“Hey, man. What you doin’?” Jensen started at the voice in his ear and he spun round._

_“Jesus, Steve! You scared the crap out of me.”_

_“Sorry man, but we just had to find out why you’ve been ditching us nearly every Saturday.”_

_Jensen looked at his friends and fought the guilty flush that threatened to spread across his skin. The five of them had been inseparable from the first, especially him and Steve, and he could understand why they were a little curious. Every other student would be taking advantage of the sun and free time, playing football or chilling with a few beers. Jensen had opted for spending his afternoons in the park with a pair of huge dogs and a fifteen year old boy whose smile made the sun seem dull._

_“I haven’t ditched you, Steve. I spend nearly all my time with you,” Jensen replied._

_“Yeah, but you’ve been keeping strangely quiet about your Saturday sojourns,” said Steve. “You ever gonna tell us who he is?”_

_“What do you mean?” Jensen asked, genuinely puzzled. Did they think he had a date? Jensen looked at their faces and each of them held the same mix of excited curiosity and vague hurt. He could not help it; he started to laugh. “You think I’m having some sort of secret affair? Dude!”_

_The others started to relax as Jensen fought for breath and clapped Steve on the shoulder. He looked around at them all and tried not to dissolve into another fit of laughter at their perturbed faces. Dan and Oliver shared identical looks of bemusement at Jensen’s behaviour._

_The Lawrence twins could be downright disconcerting on a good day, with the same features showing through styles that were wildly different. Dan was a punk wannabe with ripped jeans held together with safety pins and a leather jacket older than he was. Oliver on the other hand was the epitome of an average college student, somewhere between geek and jock with slightly battered but well kept clothes. They bickered constantly unless they were united against a common enemy and it looked like that was Jensen right now._

_James on the other hand was brash and to the point, though he knew when to temper it. He was also as changeable as the wind when it came to his hair. At the moment it was a shining platinum blonde whereas the week before it had been fire-engine red. He could pull off the punk look better than Dan without trying, something Jensen knew irritated Dan no end. Oliver loved taunting Dan and dubbed his hair the Marsters’ Mohawk after the time James’ and Dan’s hair had been the same shade of purple._

_Steve, though. Steve was the level head of their little group. He would sit in the corner with his guitar and strum while he listened to everyone talk shit about their lives. He would laugh and join in but he was always the voice of reason. If any of them had a problem it was Steve they would go to. And Jensen was backup. The two of them could sit in near silence for an entire day, plucking at their guitars in complete contentment._

_Just then two giant, solid bullets sped towards Jensen, knocking him over and robbing him of his remaining breath, before licking every inch of exposed skin. Jensen laughed and gasped for air as the others looked on in surprise._

_“Sadie! Harley! Let me up,” Jensen coaxed as he tried to push them away with no success. A piercing whistle sounded close by and the dogs ceased their attack long enough to look up._

_“Hey, Jen! You okay?” Jared called, jogging over to him but stopping short when he saw the rest of the people with him. “Sadie! C’mere girl. Harley! Come on, heel.”_

_The disappointment on Jared’s face caught him by surprise. It was not an expression he had ever seen there before and he wanted nothing more than to wipe it away. The thought gave him a moment’s pause but Jared brought out all his protective instincts, like the little brother he never had, and no doubt Jared thought Jensen was going to treat him the same way all older brothers do and send him away when their friends were around._

_“I’m sorry, Jen. Didn’t realise you guys had something going on today. I’ll leave you to it?” Jared said questioningly, with a ghost of his usual smile._

_“Nah, man,” Steve said, slinging his arm over Jared’s shoulder, much to Jensen’s annoyance. “We gate crashed the party. Wondered what_ Jen _here was up to on such a fine day.”_

_Jensen glared at Steve, hoping he would get the message and back off. It seemed that message was being roundly ignored, though, because Steve was still talking to Jared like they were old friends. In seconds Jared was back to his usual garrulous self and telling Steve all about how they met and how Jensen would meet up with him to play with the dogs and hang out. Oliver and Dan were listening intently and casting Jensen suggestive looks behind Jared’s back._

_James hung back a little, falling into step beside Jensen. His platinum blonde hair was almost blinding in the sunlight but James was probably the only one he trusted not to jump to the wrong conclusion, other than Steve that is._

_“So, what’s with you and the kid?” James asked nonchalantly, keeping his voice pitched low so the others could not hear._

_“I’m sure you heard most of it,” Jensen replied as he gestured to where Jared was still talking to Steve, Dan and Oliver. They were in fits of laughter at_ something _and Jensen had the sneaking suspicion it was him._

_Yeah,” James agreed, this Californian accent had never seemed so pronounced. “I hear the bucket load of hero worship he’s got going for you. What I don’t hear is why you want to spend so much time with him. It’s not like you’re a Big Brother.”_

_“He’s a good kid, James. He’s funny and smart and friendly. Why the hell wouldn’t I want to hang out with him?”_

_“Because he’s fifteen and you just turned twenty. Serious Jailbait, Jensen, and you know that,” James hissed back. He pulled Jensen to a stop and turned to face him fully. Jensen almost had the urge to laugh, but something in James’ eyes stopped him._

_“It’s not like that.” Jensen said flatly._

_“Maybe not right now but it doesn’t take a genius to see where this is headed. Be careful is all.”_

_Just then Jared turned and smiled at Jensen. All of his friends were beaming and ruffling Jared’s hair as they walked. Harley and Sadie were trotting beside them and loving the extra attention almost as much as Jared. Jensen could not help the grin that rose on his own lips in response. James was wrong about Jared. He enjoyed the company and the uncomplicated joy Jared carried around with him. That was it._

Jensen sighed and turned away. It was too hard to remember the boy he had loved and watch what he was now. He could not torment himself any longer. He heard Jeff call after him but did not turn back. He needed that sense of uncomplicated again and these days it was only to be found under the hood of a car with the smell of grease permeating his senses.

The engine purred under Jensen’s hands and before he realised it the day had gone and no one had come for him. He had become used to Jared’s presence in the background, bringing him in when Jensen would have forgotten the heat of the sun or hunger in his belly. The only reason he had been brought out of his almost trance was the failing light. Chris would be furious he had left him to work at the garage on his own all afternoon, but Jensen could not bring himself to care. He was tired to his bones and he ached with more than fatigue.

The presence he had been lamenting made itself known at the back door into the kitchen. Jared stood there watching Jensen with a towel wringing in his hands. Jensen looked up and caught the nervous gaze.

“Can we go tomorrow?” Jared asked quietly, the low words barely making their way to Jensen. Jensen nodded. He did not trust himself to speak. He had pushed for this, practically forced Jared into it and now it was too soon. It would always be too soon. “I’m leaving Bethany and Annabel with Jeff. I, I can’t tell them. How can I-?”

“It’s okay, Jared. Jeff will take good care of them. I’ll be right there with you,” Jensen said soothingly. He stepped closer, aching to enfold the younger man into his embrace but hesitant.

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” whispered Jared so softly Jensen was not sure he had even heard it.

 

*****

Jared watched his girls sleep. Their elfin features were relaxed in peaceful innocence, the type Jared had lost long ago. They knew something was wrong. They had known for a long time but said nothing. Now they were more confused than ever. It was only a matter of time before they asked about Alice. There was no way they could have missed the conversations and he knew they could feel the tension; it must have been confusing and frightening but Jared still could not bring himself to explain. He could not find the words to tell them about his other daughter.

Tomorrow he would see his first child for the first time. After the birth Jared could not bear to look at her, to hold her. Every time the doctors or Jensen tried to convince him, he had shied away. He had hidden under the covers as though he still believed it would protect him from the bogeyman and ignored the pain he saw in Jensen, fixating instead on the hole in his own heart. Eventually Jensen had given up. He had stopped trying to help and Jared had been relieved.  The whole situation was completely overwhelming. Jared had avoided thinking about that time in his life as much as possible. Sometimes a whole week would pass before he thought about what he had done, how he had failed everyone he loved. But the moment Tom had to punish him it all came flooding back. Yet another failure to add to the tally. He deserved every punch, slap, kick. He deserved the filth that poured out of Tom’s mouth as he tore into Jared. He was a whore to be used and the only good thing that ever came out of him was the precious, beautiful children sleeping at his feet.

Jared slowly became aware of the tears tracking down his face as he tried to stifle the sobs that wracked his body. He curled into a ball on the bed and cried quietly. He did not deserve the kindness that had been lavished upon him. He did not deserve Jensen or his care and tomorrow he would break completely with Jensen standing there in all his perfection, watching Jared’s world disintegrate. 

Tonight, for the first time since he had fled, Jared missed Tom. Tom knew what he needed. Jared longed for the stability of Tom’s firm hand, for his guidance. Jared knew he would never be good enough, that he would fuck up and Tom would be angry, but he knew Tom just wanted him to be better. Tom loved him, gave him what he needed. Right now, Jared needed the searing heat of Tom claiming him to chase away the coldness that settled deep within.

After a while the tears on his cheeks dried and Jared stared unseeing at the windows until daylight slowly lightened them. He had not slept but the weariness he felt went deeper than that. He dragged himself up and into the shower. Everything felt out of focus, unreal, like he was walking through a dream. Maybe he was. Maybe none of the past few weeks had happened and he was still on the floor under Tom, bleeding to death from the inside out and waiting for the blow that would finally end his life.

Beth and Annabel were unusually quiet when he roused them. He told them he had to go out and that they would be staying here with Jeff for a few hours. Their eyes were wide and they clung to him in fear. Jared felt the tears sting his eyes once more but he could not let them fall. They were so scared. He had failed them too. Maybe it would be better if he left them. Jeff would take good care of them. He loved them so much already. Jensen would help. Jensen had always had a way with children. Jared had always known he would be able to cope if he had Jensen at his side. Solid, dependable, loving and fun, able to cope with anything. Back then, every time Jared had felt overwhelmed at the thought of being a father, Jensen had smiled and hugged him and told him “you’re going to be _awesome.”_

Jared went to work on the breakfast shift as if by rote. The orders came in and he cooked, plated and served just like always. He caught the concerned looks Jeff and some of the regulars cast over at him - they did not touch him. The feeling of unreality persisted to the extent that time no longer had meaning. He could not tell you if it was five minutes or five hours before Jensen arrived in the kitchen looking for food. He washed his grease stained fingers in the side sink before stealing a couple of pieces of bacon and some of the eggs Jared had cooked for Mrs Patterson. She always came in at the same time and ordered the same thing so Jeff liked to have it ready for her.

Jensen darted away, expecting retribution in some form for the theft but Jared just added a few more of the ingredients to cook. Jared registered the concerned puzzlement in Jensen’s eyes but turned back to the stove without a word. Jensen watched him quietly as he ate, occasionally opening his mouth to speak but Jared always made sure to move further away so Jensen eventually gave up. 

The eggs were finally ready and Mrs Patterson had just arrived so Jared picked up the pan to pour them onto the plate. Belatedly he felt the searing heat in his palm and hissed as the pain finally registered. He dropped the cast iron frying pan with a clang and gripped his wrist as he watched the bright red skin start to blister. Jensen was at his side in an instant, dragging Jared’s unresponsive form to the sink. He was babbling something about being more careful but Jared could not make out the words. It was Jensen. Jensen’s voice, his hands, soothing the pain away. A moment later Jeff was there in Jensen’s place, slathering a cooling cream over his hand. The burn started to fade and Jared was freezing. He shivered and felt a blanket being draped around him.

“Is it time yet?” Jared croaked. They were the first words he had spoken for hours and his voice sounded strange to his own ears.

“Are you sure you still want to do this?” Jensen asked right back and the caring in his gentle, whiskey rough voice almost broke him again. Jared nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He did not know if he had the energy to form words anymore. “We’ll go once we’ve dressed your hand then.”

Jared nodded again and slumped further into the chair. He wondered distantly where Beth and Annabel were, but wherever they were it was better than where he was right now. They needed to be kept safe from him, because right now he was in no state to look after them and if they got hurt because of it, Tom would not need to finish the job. There would be one less worthless piece of crap floating around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks to the loss of a baby and associated trauma. References to domestic abuse
> 
> This chapter references Big Brother and it occurred to me some people might not know what this is so here’s a link. Big Brother Big Sister is a volunteer mentoring programme: https://www.bbbs.org/


	10. Chapter 9

The drive was over quickly. Jensen knew the route so well he could have driven it blindfold. He pulled up outside the beautiful wrought iron gates and waited. He watched as Jared gazed at the gates and the way the sunlight caught them, casting elongated shadows on the ground.

Jared looked as still as death in the seat beside him and Jensen waited for some kind of sign that Jared was ready, that he was still there with Jensen. He needed to know that Jared was ready for the next step or this trip would do more harm than good. It seemed that the slightest movement or even a whispered word would shatter the younger man’s fragile calm. Jensen ached for Jared as much as himself; ached for the loss that ate away at them.

There was a flicker in Jared’s haunted eyes as he turned towards Jensen. Jared drew a deep, shuddering breath and clambered stiffly out of the car. He waited for Jensen to join him with the same unnatural stillness he had displayed all day. They walked together in silence, Jensen gently guiding them through the gates and down the long driveway. To either side were beautifully manicured lawns and flowerbeds, followed by row after row of headstones and monuments. The majority of them were still gleaming, the plots kept neatly trimmed, and many had flowers and wreathes placed lovingly over them. There were a few people in the distance, but no sound carried to where they walked.

A sense of peace washed over Jensen as it always did here. It was why he had chosen this place for her. The people laid to rest here had been loved and were still cherished after their deaths. When they finally reached the secluded corner Jensen glanced over at Jared. It seemed he had not even noticed they had arrived, but Jensen could see the way Jared’s breath became even shallower and his fists tightened.

The polished grey marble shone in the afternoon light and the black lettering stood out clearly. 

**Alice Ackles-Padalecki**

**August 12 th 1999**

**Rest in Peace Angel**.

The flowers around the tiny grave were growing in and blossoming in beautiful pinks and reds with a scattering of white. Jensen felt the tears welling even as a small smile broke out on his lips. He traced the letters of her name, much as Jared had done with the blanket and bracelet.

“Hey, Angel. Daddy’s here,” Jensen whispered as he knelt beside the headstone. This had always been private for him, no one was allowed to come with him to visit Alice and part of him still wanted to keep this little piece of his daughter for himself. He was glad Jared had finally come round but it was hard not to resent this invasion in some small way. “I missed you so much. I’m sorry I haven’t been by for a little while.” Jensen glanced up at Jared who had not moved since they arrived and felt the flicker of anger melt away. Jared stared at the carved marble without seeing it and tension was practically vibrating through his body, though his face was locked down and unreadable. Something would have to give soon, Jensen was sure of it, but there was nothing more he could do. This was something Jared had to deal with himself, though Jensen would never be far away if he could possibly help it.

“I brought him with me, Angel. Just like I promised. Papa’s here, baby. He’s scared and hurting but he loves you more than life. Always has.”

Jared turned at the softly spoken words and locked eyes with Jensen. It was agony, seeing the well of grief that was so deep Jensen thought he would drown. Jensen held out his hand to Jared and beckoned him closer.

“It’s okay, Jay,” Jensen said in the same soothing tones and he watched as Jared moved slowly forward. There was a stiffness to his movements that showed Jensen just how fragile Jared’s control was but it was necessary. It had been too long already.

Jared knelt on the dry grass next to Jensen, his hands picked at the hem of his t-shirt and Jensen noticed how loose it was on him, the unhealthy slightness of Jared’s frame thrown into sharp relief by the gesture. He frowned briefly but soon schooled his features into an encouraging expression, hoping Jared had not noticed. Jared’s hands moved erratically as though he had no control over them and it took Jensen a few minutes to realise what he was doing. The long fingers kept tracing the same pattern on his leg. AAP, over and over again. Jared’s hand twitched forward towards the headstone but was jerked quickly back as though the touch would burn.

“I don’t know what to do,” Jared whispered.

“You don’t have to do anything,” Jensen replied softly. “Just be here. Talk to her. I can go sit on the bench ‘til you’re done.”

“No!” Jared whispered, hoarsely and he clutched at Jensen’s hand until his knuckles turned white. Jensen bit back a hiss of pain at the sudden pressure but squeezed back gently. 

Slowly the grip loosened but Jared’s fingers still lay entwined with Jensen’s. It had been harder than Jensen had thought to finally have Jared there and he found he drew as much comfort from the small contact as Jared did. He did not know how much time had passed but Jared finally reached out and pressed his fingertips to the black lettering on the grey marble. It looked like he could not help himself as he traced the words.

When Jared reached the date at the bottom his fingers stuttered to a halt and started to shake. Jensen could feel Jared struggling to fill his lungs with air as his entire body convulsed. Tears were streaming down Jared’s face once more and Jensen thought his heart would shatter. Jared’s face should have always shone with joy, it should never have been filled with such utter desolation.

“I’m sorry,” Jared breathed barely loud enough for Jensen to hear. “I should have been stronger for you. I don’t know why I was allowed to live, but it should have been you.” Jared voice broke on the last words and Jensen pulled him closer, a comforting presence and anchor while Jared spoke haltingly. “You would have made so much of your life, A-A-Alice. I never even said your name. I never saw you. Maybe if I’d held you I could have saved you,” Jared sobbed.

Jensen stared at Jared in shock. He had always known Jared had blamed himself on some level but he never realised how deep the guilt ran.

“Jared, Jay,” whispered Jensen into his ear. “There was nothing you could have done.”

“You don’t know that,” Jared answered, brokenly.

“Jay, she was gone before, before...” Jensen tapered off. He had never been able to tell people what had happened. Chris and Sam and Jeff had all managed to protect him from people’s curiosity when he had gotten back. Now there was no one else, Jensen would finally have to find the words.

“Jared,” Jensen said as he turned the broken young man to face him. “There was nothing that could be done. They, they took you into surgery to pin your arm. She was fine, that’s what they told us. She was doin’ okay,” Jensen paused to draw in a shaky breath. This was harder than he ever imagined.

_Jensen had never driven so fast in his life. The instant he heard the cries of alarm and the shriek of metal, the tinkling of broken glass, he had collapsed to his knees the gravel of the path biting into his skin unheeded. He had not even realised he was screaming Jared’s name until he felt Sam’s arms around him, pulling the phone from his ear._

_There was still a lot of noise coming from the receiver, twisted metal settling and the soft groans of someone in pain. Nothing was getting through Jensen’s shocked mind until a biting sting landed on his cheek. Sam had slapped him. Hard._

_“Where are they, Jensen?” she asked urgently, panic lacing her voice._ It’s too late, _Jensen thought over and over. The sound of Jared’s screams ringing in his ears_. 

_“About half an hour out. Coming from San Antonio. They left early to avoid the traffic. Jared,” he swallowed thickly, “Jared can’t travel well. He gets so uncomfortable. He’s gonna ache so much when he gets here,” Jensen rambled while Sam tried to guide the police and paramedics to a crash she was miles away from. “He’s gonna be pissed.”_

_Untold minutes later Jensen ripped himself from Sam’s grasp. He could not let Jared be alone. What if he woke up in the hospital and Jensen was not there? He would be so scared. What if he did not remember what had happened? What if Alice really did decide to get there early?_

_He ran for his truck, ignoring Sam’s frantic pleas for him to stop. He was heading down the street before he managed to close the door. All he could think about was getting to Jared. He knew the route Jerry would have taken; he had taken it enough himself over the years. As he got closer he could hear the wailing of sirens and see the flashing lights. There was little traffic but the tailback was already starting and Jensen could not get close. As soon as he came to a stop Jensen flung the door open and ran towards the cordon, heedless of the angry shouts coming from the other drivers._

_A hand shot out to stop him when Jensen tried to cross the line. He struggled against the firm hold and cried out for Jared, for Jerry, Jeff, Sherri and Megan. He cried until his throat was hoarse and long after he had been dragged away. Someone pulled a blanket around him and forced him to sit at the side of the road. He watched the firemen cut through the wreckage of Jerry’s car. Even from a distance he could see the blood._

_The moment the firemen were clear, the paramedics had leapt into action and Jensen struggled to get closer once more. An unmoving body was pulled from the wreckage but Jensen could not make out who it was. As the body was picked up and placed gently in a body bag, Jensen started to retch. He saw a snatch of long brown hair and the slight frame could only have been Megan’s. The surge of relief that flowed through him only made him heave more, long beyond there being anything left in his stomach to bring up. Tears blurred Jensen’s vision as a cool hand soothed him through the convulsions of his stomach. He was spared the sight of the rest of the Padalecki family being pulled out of the wreckage. It took forever for them to get everyone out, but the atmosphere around Jensen changed instantly when the cry came._

_“We’ve got a live one!”_

_“Jared,” whispered Jensen. He did not have the energy to fight the arms that held him._

_“You have to let them work,” the unknown policeman said in his ear over and over. Without Jensen having to say a word, the policeman bundled him into the back of the cruiser and followed the two ambulances back to the hospital. Jensen would never have been able to keep up in his truck and probably would have ended up in his own accident if he had tried._

_The wait was torture, worse than being at the scene, because at least there he could see what was going on. Here he was caged in a too small waiting room, cut off from everything and everyone just waiting for someone to tell him what was happening. He tried to remember how lucky he was that Jared had listed Jensen as an emergency contact when he had gotten pregnant otherwise he could not expect to be given any information whatsoever._

_“We need to put Jared under a general anaesthetic,” the last doctor to visit had said. “We need to pin his arm in several places and we think one of his lungs has been punctured. It could be dangerous for the baby, especially considering the trauma Jared has already suffered.”_

_All Jensen had been able to do was nod and sign the papers they thrust in front of him. They had to save Jared.  Alice, his baby girl, she was strong. She would get through this just like her Papa. Jensen could not bear to think anything else._

_No one would tell him about the rest of the Padaleckis though, he was not family even though he was Jared’s contact. Jensen knew Megan at least was...dead, but there had been two ambulances rushing to the hospital. Had someone else survived? What was happening to them? Was there anyone Jensen should call, anyone who could make the necessary decisions? What was he supposed to be doing? Everyone he tried to talk to just shook their heads pityingly and told him they were not allowed to disclose any information on patients except to family._

_After hours of pacing and frustration, a tired looking doctor opened the door. He looked so sombre Jensen collapsed into the chair and fought to drag breath into his body. The doctor sat opposite. He did not try to touch Jensen or comfort him._

_“Mr Ackles?” the doctor asked calmly. Jensen nodded jerkily. “Mr Jared Padalecki listed you as his emergency contact. I believe you know he was brought in with several injuries from a car crash earlier today.” Again Jensen nodded. “He has been in surgery for the last four hours. We pinned the broken arm successfully and stopped the internal bleeding. The bleeding was worse than we were expecting and there was severe bruising across his abdomen from the seatbelt. We were worried there would be further complications because of the pregnancy but we managed to get Jared stabilised.”_

_Jensen sighed in relief and ran a shaking hand down his face. But that was not all he needed to hear. All through his speech, the doctor had not told him if Alice was okay. “What about the baby? What about Alice?” he asked after a moment. For the first time the doctor allowed a small smile to cross his face._

_“The baby is doing as well as can be expected. I won’t lie to you Mr Ackles, she has been through a lot. We were concerned that the trauma would bring on early labour and Jared is in no condition to go through that right now. We gave him some drugs to delay labour and monitored the baby all through the surgery. Her heartbeat was elevated but steady. She should be fine.” Jensen sobbed in relief and the doctor gripped his arm to steady him. “I understand you have been asking after the rest of the Padaleckis,” the doctor continued after a few minutes, the question clear in his voice._

_“They were all coming to see me. I had a surprise for Jared,” Jensen choked out. “No one will tell me anything and I don’t know how to get in touch with the rest of his family. All the close family was in that car. They are so close, they love each other so much. I just want them to know someone is looking out for them, but it’s useless.”_

_The doctor took a deep breath and looked steadily at Jensen. “I shouldn’t be telling you this, but you are the closest thing to family these people have. When Jared wakes up he is going to have to start making the decisions and he is going to need your support. He’s going to need you to be strong and rational.” Jensen swallowed thickly and returned the doctor’s steady gaze. The tears had dried on his cheeks but they were never far away. He could feel the muscle in his jaw twitching as his entire body tensed._

_“The crash was bad, Mr Ackles. Jared was lucky to get off as lightly as he did. Mr and Mrs Padalecki and Megan Padalecki died on impact. There was nothing that could be done for them.” The doctor paused, waiting for the news to sink in. Jensen felt numb. There was nothing left of him that was not broken and bruised. There was no more sorrow left in him to give. It was not possible that such a warm and loving family could be destroyed so comprehensively._

_“What about Jeff?” croaked Jensen. He could barely get the words past the lump in his throat._

_“Jeffrey Padalecki? He had a lot of internal bleeding and has been in surgery, too. The bleeding is under control now but the more worrying injuries were to his head. It looks like the airbags failed to deploy and Jeff’s head hit the windscreen. The police will be able to tell you and Jared more about that, but it means Jeff suffered severe skull fractures. We have the injuries under control, but we won’t know if there is any brain damage until he wakes up.”_

_“How long?” Jensen asked._

_“We don’t know. The sooner the better, but I have to tell you. It’s not guaranteed he will wake up at all. If the damage is too extensive Jeff could be in a coma for the rest of his life.”_

 

Jensen pulled himself out of his thoughts. He had managed to suppress most of the events of that night, but holding Jared in his arms was too much. Everything he had tried so desperately to forget and leave behind was right in front of him. Somehow he had to find the words to explain.

Jared was still whispering to Alice, the words barely audible even though Jared was close enough for Jensen to feel breath on his skin. 

“I wanted to follow you, baby girl. I wanted to but I couldn’t. I didn’t want you to be alone. I left you there all alone. I left you, but I never forgot. I failed you so badly, Angel.”

Jensen gathered Jared even closer. There was not an inch of their bodies that were not touching. Jensen cradled the younger man and stroked his long hair while Jared cried.

“It wasn’t your fault, Jay. Why didn’t you tell me? You told me it was an accident. She wouldn’t have wanted that, Jay. She has too much of you in her for that.”

 

_Jensen headed to the ward. Jared was up now and ready to be released in a few days. It had been a few weeks since the birth and Jared still refused to talk about it. The grief still choked Jensen until he thought he would never be able to breathe again, but Jared seemed untouched by it. The doctors had suggested therapists who specialised in helping people who had been bereaved in violent circumstances. Jared refused, ignored Jensen every time he brought it up._

_The funeral arrangements had been made, Jensen had taken care of it. As soon as Jared had become fully conscious, the doctors had told him his family was gone. He did not react, his face blank and distant as the words washed over him. It was too much. Jared had quietly asked Jensen to deal with it and Jensen had been happy to take the burden from his boyfriend. All that had mattered at the time was Jared and his baby girl getting better._

_They were burying the Padaleckis together, side by side in the family plot.  And now he was expected to make arrangements for Alice’s funeral. Jared still refused to acknowledge any of it and Jensen was sick with worry and grief._

_When the nurses finally got him to admit he was exhausted, which happened every few days, Jensen would drive back to his apartment and fall into a restless sleep. His enervated body would get the rest it craved but his mind would still plague him with images of the crash and Jared’s pale skin. He would remember holding Alice’s still form in his arms for hours, slowly feeling her body cool and holding her closer to try and keep her warm._

_The tears had fallen silently as he watched Jared, asleep on the hospital bed, sedated after the labour so his body had a chance to rest. Jensen would have given anything to change it. He would have died in her place in return for Alice and Jared being happy, healthy and together. But soon Jared would wake and Jensen would have to see the blank eyes that had been staring back at him since Jared had woken after the crash._

_The trauma had been too great. Alice had not survived the birth. The doctors had not realised until it was too late, had told them there was nothing they could do. The only thing they could do was go through the labour and let Alice be born._

_Jensen watched as Jared retreated further from the world. He would catch Jared sometimes rubbing his belly, still slightly rounded - a cruel reminder of everything they had lost - and whispering, the same way he had when Alice had been alive. “You need to wake up, baby girl. Wake up for Papa.” Jensen was lost, confused. How could he make Jared realise she was gone? Should he?_

 

*****

_A month after the accident, the doctors had proclaimed that Jared was strong enough to endure labour when it happened. They reduced the drugs he was on and waited. A few days later, Jared had started having contractions. He had whimpered in pain and they had tried to give him drugs to dull the pain. Like there was any chance of that. Jensen sat beside his lover the entire time. Jared squeezed his hand until he thought it would break and cried out in pain as the contractions hit him again and again. Sweat trickled down his skin and his hair hung lank over his eyes._

_They had been about half an hour into labour when the doctors realised there was no heartbeat. It was not their fault. Jared had not felt her move for days, but he had said nothing to anyone. He had thought it was his injuries and the medication he was taking. It had taken a long time for Jensen to realise Alice was not moving or kicking like normal, but by then there had been nothing they could do. The umbilical cord had wrapped itself around Alice’s neck and when she had turned it tightened. The very thing that was supposed to keep her alive had taken her life and Jared lying there helpless as it was too late to save her._

_Finally it was over. The doctor handed the tiny bundle to Jensen. She was so warm, perfect. A perfect miniature Jared. Jensen was almost convinced she would open her eyes and smile up at him. Except for the stillness. No fluttering heartbeat against his chest, no rise and fall of breath. They had no idea how long she had been gone, but she was still the most perfect thing he had ever seen._

_Slowly, Jensen became aware of frantic movement around Jared. He took in the doctor’s quick hands, the nurses crowded around and ready to act at a word or look. He saw the blood dripping from the table where Jared lay, his features waxen and glistening with the cooling sweat._

_Jensen held on tightly to Alice, his Angel. “Watch over your Papa, Angel,” he whispered in her ear. Jensen whispered to her the entire time, never leaving Jared’s side, never letting her go as her body slowly cooled in his arms and he watched his lover’s life ebb away._

 

*****

Jared’s heartbeat pulsed under his hands, proof Jared was alive and lying in his arms. That was all that mattered right then. Jared was silent now and the sun was dipping lower in the sky. They had been there for hours, just sitting wrapped up in each other’s arms and their own misery.

The stiffness of Jensen’s limbs was another indication of the time he had spent in an awkward position with Jared’s weight pressing on him. Jensen pulled back a little, feeling the protest of his back. Jared gazed up at him and nodded. His hand was still pressed to the date on the headstone. Jensen watched as he steadily traced the numbers.

Jared pulled his fingers to his lips and pressed them back on Alice’s name. “Goodbye, Angel. I love you.”

With that he stood and pulled Jensen to his feet. The current that passed through him was electric. Except in times of sheer exhaustion, drunkenness or on the edge of an emotional breakdown – sometimes all three, Jensen thought wryly – they did not touch. Jared would only let Jensen close when there was no other option and then they clung together like the world would fall apart if they let go. Based on the things they had endured, Jensen was not entirely sure they were wrong.

They shared a look, surprise and the familiar heat built up in Jared’s eyes and he knew it was echoed in his own. They were as much a part of each other now as they had been then. Jensen had no power over the pull between them and he felt himself sway forward, pressing closer to Jared. He brushed his lips tentatively against Jared’s and moaned at the contact, the same but oh so different after so many years apart.

Jensen deepened the kiss, sliding his tongue into Jared’s pliant mouth and relearning his taste, the texture of the soft, wet skin, the feel of Jared against him. Jared stood there and took it all, meeting Jensen’s soft exploration but never asking for more. Jensen frowned slightly and pulled back, looking into Jared’s confused eyes.

“Jay, I’m sor-“

“No! Don’t. I-I’ll do better. Please, Jen. Please don’t push me away,” Jared begged. Jensen’s frown deepened at Jared’s odd choice of words, but as the younger man swayed closer he raised his head once more, pressing their lips together. He had no will of his own. He could never refuse Jared anything it was in his power to give. Jared seemed more responsive but there was still something slightly off about it. Then Jared flicked his tongue in a way that had Jensen moaning and half hard in an instant, all other thoughts forgotten.

Jensen pulled away and grabbed Jared’s hand. Jared recoiled but stilled when he saw Jensen’s soft smile. They walked quickly back to the truck and Jensen started driving, away from the cemetery, away from the diner, away from Washford. 

Soon they were at a small watering hole. It was already half empty from the Texan summer sun beating down on them but there was still enough scrub to provide a little shade. They were well off the beaten path when Jensen killed the engine. He sat with his hands gripping the steering wheel and hoping for some semblance of control. Jared it appeared had other intentions though.

As soon as the truck had stopped his seatbelt was unbuckled and he was sliding into Jensen’s lap, licking at his skin and just generally doing everything he could to drive Jensen crazy. Jensen pulled at Jared’s hips and brought their bodies flush with each other. Jared tried to wrap his long legs around Jensen but the confines of the cab prevented it.

Jensen groaned in frustration as they tried to manoeuvre into a position they could make work without letting go of each other. It was impossible. Jensen broke away from yet another breathtaking kiss and sat panting with his forehead resting on Jared’s.

“Fuck this!” Jensen burst out under his breath and he felt Jared jerk away as though he had been slapped. “Bed of the truck. Now,” Jensen ordered, herding Jared out of the door, not that Jared needed telling twice. “There’s a blanket there I think,” he muttered to himself as he tried to undo his own seatbelt with trembling hands.

When he managed to extricate himself from the truck he found Jared sitting on the edge of the flatbed and fiddling with his shirt like he was not sure what he was supposed to be doing. Jensen took a deep, steadying breath and smiled ruefully. He reached out and gently stroked a hand through Jared’s silken hair.

“We don’t have to do this, Jared. It’s too much, I get it. I do.”  Jared just shook his head and looked up with pleading eyes.

“Just tell me what to do,” he whispered and Jensen dropped a soft kiss to his perfect mouth.

“You’re still as beautiful as you always were.”

“Don’t, please don’t,” Jared chanted under his breath. Jensen could feel the tears start to fall from Jared’s eyes and kissed them away as the younger man clung to him. It had been so hard for Jared but these tears were ten years too late and if Jared needed this contact Jensen would be there for him, he needed it too much himself to deny either of them.

They clambered further onto the truck and Jensen spied the blanket rolled up in the corner. He moved to get it but Jared stayed his hand. He rolled over and rose gracefully to his hands and knees. Jensen could only watch, transfixed as Jared slid his too loose jeans over his hips, exposing his bare ass to Jensen. Jensen trailed his hands lightly over the pale skin and heard Jared gasp. He tried to run his hands higher and stroke Jared’s back and belly but Jared grabbed his hand and licked it until it was wet. He half turned to face Jensen, deftly undoing his fly with his free hand, and guided their hands back to Jensen’s cock. He used their entwined hands and Jared’s spit to create a wonderful, slick friction.

“Fuck, Jay!” Jensen gasped at the feel of those giant hands guiding and enveloping his own over his dick. “Need you. Need you so much.” There was a fog of desperation engulfing him that was pure need for Jared. The scent and feel of him beneath Jensen where he belonged was too much for rational thought to penetrate. But Jared was right there with him, guiding him home like a beacon.

It was tight, so tight he almost cried out at the pleasure-pain sensation. He did not stop - Jared would not let him - until he was fully seated. He stilled as he felt the tension in Jared’s body, rigid with pain and clamping down on his dick so hard it hurt. He watched as Jared struggled to breathe and started to rub soothing circles into Jared’s skin while he pulled back.

“God, I’m so sorry, Jared!” gasped Jensen as he started pulling free of Jared’s body. “I didn’t...there’s no...prep...I, we, I didn’t use any slick!” Jensen stuttered, horror beginning to wash over him.

“Don’t stop. Please don’t, Jen,” soothed Jared in his most persuasive voice, the one that Jensen had never been able to ignore. “I’m ready, Jen. It’s okay. I’m ready.” Jared began to twist his hips and squeeze his muscles rhythmically until Jensen felt his control slipping away. He moaned into Jared’s neck and breathed in the scent he had never managed to erase from his memory. Jensen’s hips began to shift involuntarily as he tried once more to get his mind to focus, but Jared was right there, just like he always should have been. “It’s okay,” Jared breathed into Jensen’s ear, the little devil on his shoulder, pretending to be the angel he had loved. “Just let go.”

Jensen groaned. He could not hold back any longer. He pulled back and pushed in again slowly as he tried to make things easier on Jared. He tried to take it slow and find the right angle so Jared could work past the pain and enjoy it. But every time he tried Jared was there, thrusting his hips faster and faster, working up an intense rhythm that left Jensen breathless. He was rapidly approaching the edge and Jared was just encouraging him to drive deeper and harder until it was almost brutal in its intensity.

It had never been like this. Not before, when they could barely keep their hands off each other long enough to find the lube. It had been hot and heavy and fast and dirty, but it had never had this edge to it. There had always been more to it than _fucking_. Jensen could feel something was very wrong but every time he almost had it, Jared would twist his hips and squeeze in a way that had Jensen doing everything in his power not to come.

Jensen could feel the pooling heat tightening his body, felt the familiar tingle run through him and reached forward to grasp Jared’s cock. He wanted Jared to come with him so he could erase the pain of the first few minutes, but just as his hand slid round Jared’s hip, the younger man grabbed his hand away. Jared linked their fingers and pulled forward so Jensen was effectively pinned across Jared’s back and needed his other hand to keep them both steady.

Jared changed the angle of his hips again, drawing Jensen in deeper and doing the twist-squeeze thing that drove Jensen crazy. He knew he would not have forgotten that move and Jensen briefly wondered how Jared had learnt it, not that he should complain right now, but the flare of jealousy had him thrusting even harder.

A few more thrusts was all it took. Jensen spilled deep into Jared and bit his shoulder to keep from moaning too loudly. Jared did not shy away, but Jensen felt him stiffen and try to limit the contact between them. Jensen eased out of Jared’s body and collapsed shakily beside the younger man. It had been intense and fraught, but it was still Jared he had held in his arms and Jensen never wanted to let him go again. This was not _what_ they were supposed to be but it was _where_ they belonged. He kissed Jared’s sweat slicked jaw and pressed another kiss to the red mark he had unintentionally made, licking to sooth the sting. Jared jerked away like he had been scalded and slid out of reach before Jensen could raise his arm. 

In seconds Jared was fully dressed and looking perfect, not a hair out of place or a wrinkle in his clothes. Jensen wondered idly how he managed it while his mind spun, trying to catch up with what was happening. There was an awkwardness in Jared’s gait and a brief flash of discomfort coloured his face, almost too quickly to be seen. The only reason Jensen had noticed it was because he had not been able to take his eyes off Jared for one moment.

“Jared, what the hell?” Jensen started but stopped short when he glanced down to tuck himself back into his jeans. There were flecks of blood and come coating his dick. Jensen felt the bile rise in his throat. He had hurt Jared. Even more than he had thought. He had damaged Jared while lost in his own desire. A little fast and rough was not exactly new to them, but this was the first time Jensen had seen blood coating his cock. No wonder Jared could not stand to have Jensen touch him.

“Jared, wait! Please. I’m sorry,” Jensen begged as he ran to catch up with Jared who was heading towards the water. “Please. I didn’t realise. You said, you said you were okay. I didn’t know. Please, Jay.”

Jared stopped and turned his head. Not far enough to look at Jensen, but enough to show he had Jared’s attention. “Stop, Jensen. It’s fine,” he said harshly, but there was a tinge of regret there too. “I-I needed it. Don’t do this to yourself.”

“Needed it?” Jensen asked, bewildered. His head was spinning out of control. It was like Jared was a stranger, someone who shared the same features but was completely alien to him. “What are you talking about?”

 “I _can’t_. Please, don’t make me,” Jared whispered, pleaded. He wrapped his arms around himself and shivered even in the warmth of the late afternoon sun. He seemed to shrink before Jensen’s eyes. “I didn’t mean to do this. I-I needed it, that’s all.”

Jensen’s eyes narrowed, his anger and confusion starting to build. What the hell was going on here? “What? What did you need from me? What is this? Please, Jared. Tell me.”

 “I wish I could, Jen,” replied Jared as he walked back to Jensen. Jared’s arms came round him like they belonged there and suddenly something made sense again. “Just believe me this time. I’m no good for you. If I’m around you all I’ll bring is pain. I don’t want to do that, so please. Leave me alone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Description of a car crash with deaths and Jensen's trauma at witnessing it  
> Aftermath of the crash and dealing with character deaths  
> Description of still birth and labour  
> Sex as self punishment and guilt


	11. Chapter 10

It had been a week since he had visited Alice’s grave. Strangely a part of him felt lighter, easier after seeing the place she would be spending eternity, but that part was buried under the guilt and pain of what had happened after, between him and Jensen. Jared managed to keep it together enough to work and look after Beth and Annie, but he was a wreck. He barely slept. Every time he closed his eyes he saw Jensen’s devastated eyes, heard his accusing words. He could still feel the phantom ache of Jensen’s possession even though very little damage had been done. It had been kinder than some of Tom’s fucks.

In that moment Jared had known there was no other choice. If they were around each other there would only be pain and suffering. They had been given their time in the sun. Jared had waited two long years for Jensen to see him as more than a kid to hang with, two years of fun and laughter as their friendship grew. After that it had not taken long for them to become inseparable, spending the next two years blissfully happy and planning their life together. It was all he would ever be allowed and he had shared it with Jensen. Jared drew strength from that, strength enough to do what needed to be done.

_ “Leave me alone,” _ he had said. Jensen had tried to argue but Jared had not let him. It was one of the hardest things he had ever had to do and there were a more than a few for him to choose from.

Jared could feel Jeff’s watchful eyes on him on the few occasions he came out of the kitchen. Jared no longer talked to anyone. He no longer jumped when someone entered his personal space; what did it matter what anyone did to him anymore? He was not even worried that Jensen would turn up unexpectedly. The way Jensen had looked at him as Jared got out at the diner. No, Jensen would keep a wide berth now and Jared desperately tried to remember why that was a good thing.

There was a groan from the body slumped over the table in the kitchen and Jared looked over his shoulder. Chad was rubbing his shoulders as he tried to ease the ache. Jared smiled softly as he turned back to the washing up he was doing.

“God, I’m dying here!” Chad groaned. “Soph! I need those magic hands,” he called into the diner.

“You are such a pansy, Chad,” teased Jared. “It wasn’t even that busy a shift.”

Chad flipped him off. “Just watch,” he retorted and groaned again, even louder.

Jared dried his hands and turned to face Chad, leaning against the sink. Chad had dropped his head into his arms and kept up with the pathetic noises designed to get one of Sophia’s patented shoulder rubs. He saw Jeff enter the room silently and stifled a laugh as the older man walked over to Chad and started caressing the aching muscles.

This time Chad groaned in pleasure. “Soph, thank God! You are so good with your hands. Feels amazing.”

Jeff yanked Chad up by the collar and turned him bodily. “Why don’t you let my waiting staff be, Murray? Sophia has gone for the day and I think you should be gone too. Move!” Jeff barked.

Jared wanted to laugh at the shock on Chad’s face but he could remember all too clearly what it was like to be manhandled that way. There was still that part of him that missed it, but mostly he just felt sick. Sick with fear and disgust at how much he needed it now. Chad was gone in a few seconds, disappearing like a puff of smoke but with a smile and a wink.

“Hey, Jared. You got a second?” Jeff asked as he took Chad’s vacated seat and gestured Jared to the other. After Jared had sat down he took a deep breath and continued. “You given any thought to what you want to do?”

Jared stared at him, puzzled. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, this was never a permanent thing. You staying here was so you could get better.” Jared started upright, fear lancing through him. He could not bear the thought of leaving this place, of venturing somewhere new with no one and nothing. He did not think he would last and it was only a matter of time before Tom caught him or Jared caved and ran back. Here he did not have to think about it. He could carve out a simple life for himself and his family. But Jeff was right, he could not stay at the diner forever. He could not deprive Jeff of his privacy any longer. And could he really stay in Washford with Jensen? After telling Jensen to leave him alone it was unfair not to do the same.

“Jared, stop,” Jeff said sharply, jerking him out of his thoughts. “I can see what you’re thinking and it isn’t like that. I love having you and Beth and Annie here. Sure, I’d like to sleep in a bed again, but that’s not what I’m talking about. You and your girls need your own space. I’d love to have you stay on, you can work at the diner for as long as you want, but you need your own place.”

Jared nodded. He knew Jeff was right. It was scary though. Jared had never lived alone. First there were his parents, then his unofficial move into Jensen’s dorm, his own college dorm after that and then Tom. Not once had he spent the night alone in a house. Not that he would be if he left now, he still had his girls with him. But it was different somehow. Beth and Annabel would be depending on him and Jared did not know if he was strong enough.

“Now, I know a place. It’s empty, has been for a while. A friend of mine mentioned he was thinking of letting it out. Mostly you’d be expected to do it up a bit and maintain it along with a minimal rent. I told him we’d take a look. He gave me the keys.”

It was overwhelming. Jared just stared at Jeff and the bunch of keys dangling from his fingers. There was no harm in looking. It sounded perfect, too good to be true and that was exactly what made Jared most wary. There had to be something underneath the surface waiting to drag him back down. But he could not just think about himself. He had to do this for his girls and for his new friends.

“Okay. Let’s go take a look,” he said slowly. Jeff grinned in response and snapped the keys back into his palm.

“We’ll go tomorrow. Sophia and Chad can cope with the afternoon traffic. It’ll be the perfect time of day to see the place.”

*****

Jeff stood passive as Jensen paced around his office. He spent more time there than in his own apartment and Jeff had asked more than once why he bothered to keep a place he never slept in. There was yet another half empty bottle of whiskey in Jensen’s hand and he seemed oblivious to Jeff’s presence, trapped in his own head, his own nightmares.

The interplay of emotions across Jensen’s face was alarming. He was on the verge of tears one second and surging with anger the next, but the worst was when his gaze was just blank. Jeff watched the fire in Jensen’s eyes go out and saw the emptiness beyond. There was nothing left, no energy to keep going. If he stopped moving, Jeff doubted he could ever get Jensen back again.

“Jensen?” said Jeff tentatively. “Jensen, what’s going on? Jared turned up at mine looking wrecked and you’re nowhere to be seen.”

“I couldn’t. It’s so _fucked_ , Jeff. So royally fucked and I don’t know why,” Jensen said agitatedly without pausing in his pacing or even looking over at Jeff. “I mean. He went and it was okay. I mean, a helluva lot better than I ever thought. We were there together, like we always shoulda been. But we weren’t. It was all wrong.  _God,_ so wrong.” Jensen came to a sudden halt and turned to stare at Jeff. The dead gaze was back and it terrified Jeff. He had seen it a couple of times in soldiers when he had been serving and no good ever came from it.

“Jen, what-“

“Don’t call me that!” Jensen snarled. His hand curled into a fist and Jeff fought the urge to take a step back. Everyone knew not to call him that now, even if they could have gotten away with it in the past. Jen was off limits to everyone, except- “No one calls me that,” Jensen continued under his breath as his eyes dropped to the floor.

“He did it on purpose. The meds. I never thought he’d do that. But he did. I was so fucking scared.” Jensen was talking almost conversationally, like the memories belonged to someone else. “He told her. Told her he wanted to go too. Then...Then, _God,_ Jeff. I didn’t mean to,” Jensen continued, his voice breaking and raising teary eyes to Jeff. “It wasn’t supposed to be like that.”

There was a thud as the bottle hit the floor and Jensen was falling, the tears running freely down his face. Jeff had never seen Jensen cry so much as he had since Jared had rolled back into town. He covered the short distance to Jensen’s side and hoisted him to the battered sofa, letting Jensen collapse into his arms. The glazed look had broken and the suffering behind it was raw and deep. Still, Jeff was glad to see it. The numbness was infinitely more dangerous.

Jeff wanted to ask what Jensen was talking about, what his broken ramblings meant but this was as coherent as Jensen was likely to be for a while. “You boys just keep on hurting each other,” Jeff sighed to himself, but he felt Jensen tense at his words. He pulled back and stared hard into Jeff’s eyes, searching for something but Jeff did not know what.

“I’ll stay away. I promise I will. But you can’t let him leave, Jeff. I need to know he’s okay. I need to know you’re looking out for him. Don’t let him leave, Jeff. Don’t let him,” Jensen pleaded, his eyes never leaving Jeff’s.

“He’s not going anywhere,” Jeff replied, frowning in confusion. Just what the hell had gone on between these two? Why was Jensen promising to stay away from Jared now?

“Promise me!” Jensen demanded, grabbing Jeff’s arm tightly.

“I promise. I’ll look after him. You know I will, Jensen,” agreed Jeff. His frown deepened as a sense of unease settled on him. The desperation in Jensen’s voice and the fear in his eyes sent Jeff’s mind racing. There was something going on and Jeff had no idea what.

Jensen stood suddenly. He ran a hand through his hair agitatedly and strode to his desk. He unlocked one of the draws and stared into it for long moments. Jeff recognised the set of keys Jensen picked out of it and his confusion grew along with renewed panic.

“Give him these. Don’t tell him they’re from me. He can have it. He was always supposed to.”

“Jensen,” breathed Jeff as the weight of the keys was pressed into his palm. “Are you sure?”

“It’s his, Jeff,” said Jensen quietly. “He needs a place of his own. Somewhere he can make a home for his girls. It was always supposed to be his. The perfect place to raise a family.”

“You were supposed to be there too, Jensen,” replied Jeff as he gazed at his young friend with sad eyes while Jensen just turned away.

The house was small and run down but not beyond saving by a long shot. Jensen had seen it and known it would be the place he and Jared would start their life together. The letters he had received, right up until the crash, had been full of plans for doing it up with Jared, ready for when Alice was born, and his glee at keeping it a secret until Jared could get to Washford to see it. 

All that had turned to ashes and Jensen refused to set foot in the place, even though the sale was finalised. He would not let anyone talk to him about selling either. He paid people to do the odd jobs needed to stop it falling into disrepair but it was a sense of duty more than anything else. Jeff always suspected it was the one symbol of hope Jensen allowed himself. That one day Jared would come back and they could finally have their lives back. But here Jensen was, giving it away. It was the closest Jensen had come to admitting that Jared was lost to him forever.

*****

Jared stared at the peeling facade of the house. It was a small two-storey but the yard was large and there was a porch big enough to fit a few chairs and a small table on. It was all slightly run down, but not enough to hide the homely beauty of it. Jared was captivated. Beth and Annie clambered out of the car as soon as they could and ran round the garden. They ducked behind bushes and chased each other round the sturdy tree off to one side of the garden. It was full of leaves and the grass was still green, though starting to look a little withered as the Texas sun started to beat stronger.

“I know it looks a little the worse for wear, but my friend makes sure the pipes still work and checks the roof every year. You could move in right now and still be comfortable,” Jeff said quickly, noting that Jared had not moved away from the car, but just stared at the house. The whole situation had him on edge. There were so many ways it could go wrong. “Not that you have to move in right away. You’re welcome at mine until you’re ready. Or if you don’t like it we’ll look for somewhere else.”

“It’s perfect, Jeff,” said Jared softly, cutting into Jeff’s out of character rambling. Jeff was always straight to the point and, while he wondered at it, he was not going to lie. “It’s the kind of place I always imagined living. My girls love it already,” he continued, gesturing to Beth and Annabel where they explored. “Hey you two! Don’t you go crawling under that porch!” Jared called out.  “You don’t know what’s down there!”

The twins glared at Jared, pouting as they scrambled back up, their jeans and tee shirts covered in dirt and their long hair coming out of the plaits Jared had painstakingly tied that morning. They slouched back to the truck and Jared relented, ruffling their hair into an even worse mess and earning outraged squeals. Jeff chuckled and shared a grin with Jared before herding them into the house.

The door swung open easily and Jeff quickly checked the floor for mail addressed to Jensen. There was nothing so he moved further into the house. The paint was old but not yet flaking, just faded by the light and dust. The hall led onto a family room and then a kitchen, there was even a dining room, but it was empty. All of the other rooms had minimal furniture covered by dust sheets, all sturdy pieces designed to survive an active family. Jared found himself smiling wider the further they ventured.

The kitchen had little in the way of utensils but there was enough to cook the simple meals he preferred and, anyway, Jeff was already insisting they eat at the diner as often as they liked so it was not an urgent matter. All they needed was a second bed for the girls’ bedroom. The master bedroom already had one big enough for Jared’s frame, which was a pleasant surprise but Jared found his heart clenching in fear. The paranoia that this was all too good to be true flooded through him from where it had been dammed.

He hated thinking like that about Jeff, but experience had taught him not to expect anything for himself unless it was a beating. Every act of kindness had to be paid for.

“Why are you doing this, Jeff?” he asked.

“What do you mean?” Jeff replied carefully, his warm brown eyes, wary.

“You’ve done so much for us already. Taken care of me and my family, even after you found out who I was. Now you find us this perfect home and get us a deal on the rent I couldn’t have dreamed of. I’m not saying I don’t owe you,” Jared added quickly. He would give Jeff whatever he asked for. It was what whores did and it was the only thing he had to offer. “But you’ve never wanted-.  Why?”

“What do you want me to say?” Jeff asked slowly. “I’m not Tom, Jared. There are still good people out there who want to help. Hell, maybe I need a little help with my own karma after the war. But the truth is, I like you. You and your girls need somewhere safe you can call your own.”

“What do you know about Tom?” asked Jared shakily, backing away from the older man in a way Jeff had not seen for weeks.

“Only what I can see with my own two eyes, Jared. You’re shit scared and running. Those girls are lost and scared but you’re in too much pain to see it. Stop running, Jared. Stay here.”

“Papa! Papa!” Annabel exclaimed as she and Beth came running into the kitchen where Jeff and Jared had been talking. She did not notice her father’s slow reactions, too caught up in her excitement. “Can we pick colours? I want pink but Beth wants yellow. I think yellow’s _boring!”_

“It is _not!”_ Beth threw back. “Papa, tell her I’m oldest so I get to choose.”

“If you don’t behave, _I’ll_ choose for you,” Jared threatened, a smile back in place but the tension was palpable.

“Papa?” Beth asked, raising her wide hazel eyes to her father’s.

“It’s okay, munchkin. How about we go back to Jeff’s and start packing?”

The girls squealed in glee and sprinted for the car, jostling each other in their rush. Jeff shook his head and rubbed his ears. “Now I feel loved,” he said wryly and Jared tossed him a sheepish look.

*****

Jeff looked up at the echoing footsteps. They were quiet and he was certain Jensen had not heard them, but Jeff did not want anyone to see his intensely private friend like this. Jensen was back to pacing and rambling. He spoke in half sentences and murmured apologies to someone. He pleaded for understanding Jeff could not give and was certain it was not meant for him.

Sam was standing in the doorway to the office with a full bottle of Johnny Walker Blue in hand. She looked confused and upset seeing Jensen this way, even though it was not much worse than every year previously. Jeff was suddenly angry. He stood quietly and strode to the door, not pausing when he grabbed Sam’s arm and led her away.

“You’re not giving him that,” he growled at Sam and she looked even more shocked.

“What? It’s Alice’s birthday next week. He always-“ Jeff cut her off with a slash of his hand and she recoiled at the vehemence of his action.

“That’s just it. Every year we help him get blind drunk so he doesn’t have to deal with the shit that happened to him. We just let him drown for a few days and hope he’ll get better. I’m not doing it this year, Sam.” She continued to stare at him, the familiar forthright expression grounding him slightly.

“What’s got into you? What happened?”

“You’ve seen him, Sam. In the last few weeks how many bottles of whiskey has he bought off you? How many times have you seen him falling down drunk? Jared’s back and rather than deal with it, he’s hiding behind a bottle. We should have stopped this years ago but we thought we were helping.”

“We were, Jeff. Don’t go starting doubting yourself. If he wanted, Jensen would have found other ways to lose himself and we wouldn’t have been able to do a damn thing. This way at least we had some control. We gave him the bottle and the day and then he came back to us. If it were anyone else, I doubt he would have ever stopped but Jensen is strong.” Sam gripped Jeff’s arm and forced him to listen.

“I don’t doubt it, but he’s getting worse and it won’t be long before the Jensen we know won’t come back.”

“What do you mean?” Sam asked, suddenly worried.

“He gave me the keys to the house. He wants Jared to have it.”

Sam gasped and glanced back at the office where Jensen was still pacing and gesturing like Jeff had never left. “He wouldn’t-“

“He would. He has. It was always Jared’s but he was supposed to be there too. Now he’s just waitin’ to head on over the precipice.”

Sam looked over at Jensen again. She had been there when it happened, had been helpless to prevent anything. The aching emptiness she saw there was heartbreaking and it felt like she was losing her own son right before her eyes. She looked steadily back at Jeff.

“We’re gonna help him if it’s the last thing we do, Jeffrey Dean Morgan,” she said firmly and Jeff nodded. Sometimes Jensen did not know what was best for him but they were going to help him.

*****

It did not take long to pack up their meagre belongings. Jared had left with little more than the shirt on his back - he had been borrowing a few of Jeff’s things and the wages Jeff had forced on him had paid for a few pairs of pants and boxers - but Beth and Annabel had managed to accumulate a variety of extra clothes and toys from the people in the diner. Usually, Jared hated that kind of charity but he freely admitted he had no choice and no say this time. For some reason, whether it was because it was Jensen’s hometown or just the sheer alien niceness he had not enjoyed since he was little, he could not raise the usual objections and watch those kind faces fall.

Jeff insisted they stay one more night, share a meal and a few drinks. It really sounded as it Jeff would miss not having them under foot all hours, stealing all the hot water and leaving pretty pink bows all over the place. The once manly bachelor pad had been turned upside down by two very determined and messy little girls. Jared knew they had not been so untidy at home, he had not let them for fear of what Tom would do, but they now seemed fixated on marking every inch of space as their own.  Jared had tried to stop them, but the first time Jeff had seen him picking up after the girls he had made him stop, laughing and telling Jared he liked his home to feel lived in.

Now they were leaving. He was uprooting his children once more, but at least they were only across town. They would be seeing Jeff every morning like usual and they would spend the evening getting caught up on their schoolwork. Jared could not believe he had let it slide so badly. It had been weeks since he had pulled them out of school. As soon as he had settled in with Jeff he had called their school and told them he had been in an accident and they were going to be out of town for a while.

Getting them to withhold information from Tom was harder, though. It was Tom’s money that had gotten them into the prestigious school and it was known he was their father. Jared had not wanted to tell them the truth but he mumbled something about leaving Tom and not having contact with him right now. Still, Jared was glad he did not have to explain too much, the school had to do what he asked and in that moment, Jared could not have been more glad that Tom had never proposed.

All through dinner, Beth and Annabel argued over their room. Annabel still wanted everything a bright Barbie pink, while Beth wanted warm pastel shades of yellow, blue and green. Just before it descended into a screaming match, Jeff intervened for which Jared would be eternally grateful. The man had a perfect instinct for keeping the peace.

“Hey, now,” he said gently but firmly and instantly their attention turned to him. “Is this any way to decide something?” They did not answer but had the grace to look uncomfortable. “Now your room has been freshly painted, right? White?” They nodded. “Well then, what’s to stop you decoratin’ the walls next to your beds just how you want ‘em? And then there’s the drawers for your clothes; you could each decorate one of the drawers. Isn’t that better than fightin’ over nothing?”

The girls grinned at him and practically leapt over the table to hug him, all of them laughing as Jeff _oofed_ at the force of collision almost tipping him over. Soon after they were excused from the table and they talked in hushed but excited tones about their plans. Once they were in that mood there was nothing to be done except wait for the finished plan to be shared. They were so good at getting what they wanted when they tag-teamed him and Tom never protested, just gave then whatever they asked for and expected Jared to keep them in line. But right now he would gladly give them anything they wanted.

“So, you got any ideas on what you want to start with?” Jeff asked as he handed Jared a beer.

“Right now I’m trying to get my head round having my own place,” Jared replied with a small grin. “This friend of yours really doesn’t mind what I do with the place?”

“Nah. Told me you could do whatever you want so long as you keep it liveable. He, uh, he’s got some-“ Jeff paused uncertainly. “He’s got no use for it himself. Too big and too much to keep going when it’s empty.”

Jared nodded. It made sense but he still could not quite believe he got to have this. “It’ll take a while to do everything I suspect we’ll want to. Noted quite a few things while we walked round. Like there’s rot in some of the boards on the porch. And the bathroom needs retiling. There’s mildew setting in in places so there could be a leak in the roof.”

“You seem to have a good eye for this stuff,” Jeff remarked. “Don’t recall you having those skills before. Or did Jensen just fail to mention it?”

“Never really came up. Me and Jeff, my brother, would help out around the house, patch things up when we needed to. I kinda miss working with my hands, y’know?” There was an uncomfortable silence while Jared fought down memories of his brother, vital and strong overlapping with the way he had last seen him, lying in a hospital bed with no hope of ever waking up. 

“Yeah,” Jeff said softly, “it’s parta why I opened this place.”

They sipped at their beers quietly for a while. It was a companionable silence and was a far cry from the atmosphere that had been between them when Jared had first come to live there. They would both miss the undemanding company and the contentment that grown between them.

After a while Jared turned to Jeff, the idea he had had earlier flaring up in his mind again.

“There’s a school around here, right?” he asked suddenly. Jeff was silent for a long moment.

“Sure y’all are ready for that?”

“I’m not enrolling them. I just don’t want them to get too far behind. You think they’d give me some lesson plans? I mean, the semester’s nearly out anyway,” Jared said, warming to his topic. “If I could get them caught up before the fall, they wouldn’t feel so out of place.”

“I get you, Jared, but there’s more to teaching than a lesson plan. You could get all the books in the world but it doesn’t mean you can teach,” Jeff said earnestly, the regret clear in his face.

“I’m qualified,” Jared said quietly, holding Jeff’s gaze which was unusual in itself. “After I left I still went to school. Threw myself into it because I didn’t have anything else.”

“But how-“ Jeff could not finish the question but Jared understood. How could he bear to be around children when he had lost his own?

“It was the one thing I’d always wanted to do. After I got out of the hospital and I moved back home I didn’t know what to do. I found the letter from UT San Antonio accepting me on the part time course. Didn’t take much to change to full time. I never even told Jen. I just left, but I guess you already knew that.” Jared paused as if waiting for Jeff to lay into him but he just sat and waited for Jared to continue. “Nothing felt real. When I was on placement I saw the kids, sat in on lessons, even took a few, but none of it registered. I almost didn’t pass,” he said ruefully, looking at his hands where they picked at the bottle label. “I was too distant. Didn’t engage enough. Still, I’ve got the diploma, just never got a job. It was just before finals when I met Tom. A coupla months later we find out I’m pregnant again.”

Jeff did not dare to breathe as Jared spoke. He had not been this open about his time apart from Jensen or voluntarily talked about Tom the entire time Jeff had known Jared. This was important to Jared, a piece of himself he was finally clawing back.

“He came up to me when I was studying. I was in a coffee shop off campus,” Jared continued. His voice was low but steady and he acted as though Jeff was not here. “I stayed away from campus as much as possible. People were always tryin’ to talk to me, get me to hang out or party. All I wanted was to be left alone, to lose myself in books and theories. I thought maybe if I did it would all suddenly make sense.

“He was gorgeous, Jeff. I mean, I wasn’t looking but even I could see it. Strong and capable and charming. Still told him to get lost though. Didn’t seem to matter.”

_ “Hey,” a smooth light voice said, breaking Jared’s concentration. He looked up and frowned at the unfamiliar lurch his stomach gave. “I saw you by yourself over here.” _

_ The guy looked younger than he probably was, maybe mid-twenties, but well built and confident. The tailored suit showed off his broad shoulders and narrow waist to perfection and he had an air of wealth that seemed to be as natural to him as breathing.  His smile had a certain boyish charm that Jared could easily have found endearing, but he clamped down on the feeling instantly. Some stranger had no right to do this to him. “Obviously,” Jared said eventually and turned back to the books spread across his table. _

_ “I see you most days,” the guy continued, not put off by Jared’s rudeness. He could not seem to take a hint. “You’re always alone. Got me to wondering about that.” _

_ “Look,” Jared sighed, glancing up again, “I don’t mean to be rude but I’m trying to study here.” _

_ “I’m sorry,” the guy said, holding up his hands in surrender and giving Jared a disarming grin. “I’m not trying to hit on you or disturb you. Just thought you might like some company every once in a while.” _

_ “You ever think the reason I’m alone is because I choose to be?” Jared asked harshly. This was the very reason he spent as little time on campus as possible. People in a city usually left you alone. If you turned up early to class and left late, hung out in the campus cafeteria or coffee shop, hell if you loitered in the quad someone was liable to talk to you. Jared hated to be rude but he had no desire to be around people so he avoided them. It had been working so well up to that point. _

_ “You choose to be alone all the time or do you just tell yourself you do?” _

_ “What, you think I’m some kinda freak who couldn’t get a friend if he tried? Well, fuck you! I’m outta here.” Jared scrambled for his things, throwing them into his bag with no regard for order. He’d regret that later but right now he needed out. He needed to breathe and that guy was still standing there, a calm, considering look on his face. Too calm, but Jared was already running past the counter to get to the door. “I’ll settle up tomorrow, Val,” he called back and she waved him off with a worried glance. _

_ The next few times he went back to the coffee shop he kept expecting the guy to be there too, waiting. He was not. Still, it kept Jared on edge the entire time, waiting to see the expertly styled black hair and too bright blue eyes. Jared remembered being surprised at how tall he was; the same height - if not a little more - but broader. His shoulders were muscular and tapered to a trim waist with legs that went on forever. Jared had not wanted to notice but could not help it. Not that the one person he wanted most would ever appear in front of him again. He was damaged goods. _

_ Jared flexed his left arm. It still felt stiff but the doctors told him it was normal. If he kept up with the physio there was no reason for it to cause him any trouble or be substantially weaker than the right. The only physical reminder of the crash would be a three inch scar on the inside of his elbow and the inability to have children and only one of those things was visible. The other just ate a hole in his heart. _

_ The door jangled and Jared realised he had been lost in his thoughts long enough for his coffee to go cold. It was hard for him to get any work done when he kept waiting for The Guy to walk through the door. He told himself it was wary annoyance but every time the door jangled his head instantly went to the sound. It was impossible to concentrate. He was almost glad when he saw the guy at the counter. His wavy hair was still perfectly styled and the charcoal suit he wore perfectly accentuated his long, lean body. _

_ When he turned towards Jared, he pretended to be engrossed in the year’s worth of physics notes he was revising ready for his final. He actually managed to lose himself in it enough that the steaming cup of coffee held out to him was startling. The guy moved like a panther. _

_ “Looked like you could do with a fresh cup,” the guy said with a smile, putting the coffee on the table and adjusting his cufflinks as he settled himself in the seat opposite. _

_ “You were wrong,” Jared replied and tried not to grimace as he took a long drink of his stone cold coffee. _

_ “Whatever you say,” the guy replied with a smirk. Without another word he opened his newspaper and started drinking his own coffee. Jared had no need to ignore him then; the guy did not look at him once the entire time Jared forced the cold coffee down and tried not to pick up the steaming, fragrant cup next to him. It meant Jared had ample opportunity to look at him instead and he could not keep his eyes from wandering over the long, broad frame and handsome face. _

“He really pissed me off,” Jared said softly and finally turned to look at Jeff again. He expected to see censure or disappointment, even disgust in Jeff’s eyes but there was nothing but gentle curiosity, maybe even support. “He stepped into my life like he belonged and didn’t go away. He sat there for weeks just waiting and reading the newspaper while I studied. I knew what he wanted and if I gave in, took the drink, that would be it.”

“But you did, right?” Jeff asked, keeping his voice carefully neutral.

“Yeah. After a while I thought, why the hell not? I shoulda known better. I always fuck up.”

“You did nothing wrong, Jared. Don’t you see that?”

Jared shook his head and walked over to the window. “You have no idea, Jeff.” He held out his hand, forestalling the words he knew were coming. “I’m not going to tell you. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, are still doing, but I can’t. The only thing I can do now is make sure Beth and Annie are okay.”

“But they’re not, Jared. They hide it well and most of the time they are genuinely happy, but they’re still lost and confused. They don’t understand and you won’t talk to them.”

“You seriously want me to tell them everything that happened? You think that would make them happy?” Jared hissed, keeping his voice low so as not to disturb his children.

“That’s not what I’m saying. It would be harder on them to know exactly what Tom did to you. Hell, I’m not sure _I_ could take it. But they’re smart kids. They know something is wrong and no one is telling them what. Do they even know you’re not going back to Tom?”

“I-,” Jared started, but could not continue. He had told them it was only temporary. All this time they must have been thinking they would be going back to Tom. He could not bring himself to tell them different when he was half convinced he would find his way back one way or another. He was weak and that meant either getting caught or running home when he found out he could not cope without Tom.

“You don’t know, do you?” Jeff asked, a muscle in his jaw twitching as he glared at Jared. “You seriously thinkin’ about taking ‘em back to that poisonous bastard? He _hit_ you, Jared. He left you scarred and broken and you’re gonna go back? You’re right, you do keep fucking up,” he said disgustedly. There it was, the look that told Jared he was less than nothing. But this time it cut deeper than it ever had from Tom. Jared watched Jeff’s shoulders shake with anger and felt cold inside. His darkest secret had just been laid bare and Jeff could finally see how pathetic he really was, how unworthy. He could see it in Jeff’s eyes, the violence he wanted to do to Jared in his frustration and anger.

“Do it,” Jared whispered. “You’re right. Do it.”

Jeff turned away from him suddenly. His hands were balled into fists but Jared did not flinch as he waited for the blow. He stood solid in front of the older man, ready to take whatever was dished out when Jeff faced him again.

“You don’t even see it do you?” Jeff asked sadly, the anger draining from him. He gestured over Jared’s shoulder towards the bedroom. “They’ve always known,” he whispered in Jared’s ear.

Beth and Annabel stood in the doorway. They huddled together, their faces pale and scared. Jared saw the way they gripped each other’s hands and Annabel sucked on her thumb. He fell to the floor and stared. He expected the tears to come and blur his vision but they remained dry. How much had his girls heard? Had they heard him asking for a beating? Did they know how twisted he was inside? What he would subject them to in order to feel in control again?

“Please don’t, Jeff,” Beth said quietly, the tears now streaming down her face. “Papa didn’t mean to be bad. Daddy says Papa has to learn, but he’s sorry. Please don’t,” she begged.

“I’m not going to, Beth,” Jeff said seriously. He watched as the girls moved slowly closer.  Jared opened his arms to them and turned to Jeff, eyes wide and horrified.

“I had no idea,” Jared said raggedly. “No idea he had talked to them. They knew. All along, they knew.”

“You of all people know how smart these two are. Of course they did,” he said softly and watched the conflict raging behind Jared’s eyes. He could no longer fool himself into thinking he could handle it so long as his daughters did not know the truth; that they were better off knowing both their fathers. There was nowhere left to run and finally, Jared was seeing the truth.

“I can’t go back. I can’t do it to them.”

“Do it for yourself. It’s the only way to be free of him.”

“Papa?” Annabel asked as she looked up at her father with wide eyes. She looked so scared and lost, an instant away from panic but Jared did not know what to say to make it better. He stroked her hair back from her forehead and kissed her, holding her and her sister close. He could feel them trembling in his arms and suddenly everything was clear for the first time in years. He knew what he had to do, had always known but never realised it was within his grasp. Jared nodded to Jeff, holding his gaze with resolve shining through. He gently pulled back from his girls so he could look them in the eyes, taking their uncertainty and giving them love and reassurance in return. 

“I’m sorry, baby girls. You should never have had to see what happened between daddy and me. I never wanted you to see.” Jared paused as he tried to find a way to tell them they would never see their daddy again. “I know your daddy loves you very much. He wants to see you and have you home with him, but we can’t go back. Daddy gets angry sometimes and says and does bad things. He doesn’t mean to and he’s sorry after, but sometimes he goes too far and I need to make sure that doesn’t happen when you’re around. He might hurt you by accident and none of us want that to happen. I’m so sorry to have to do this. I’m so sorry.”

“I miss daddy,” said Beth, her voice trembling and on the verge of tears. “We’ll be good. I promise we will. Daddy won’t be mad at us if we go back and we’ll help make sure everything’s right,” she continued as she clung to Jared. Annabel had her thumb in her mouth again and she sucked hard as she tried to stop the tears from falling.

“I miss daddy, too,” she mumbled round her thumb. “You ran away. You told us it was bad to run away.”

“I know, Annie,” Jared said softly as he stroked her hair, “but sometimes you have to. When people are doing bad things, even if it’s someone you love, you shouldn’t stay around them. Sometimes the only thing you can do is run away.”

“So, daddy did a bad thing?” Annabel asked, frowning. “He was mean to you?” 

“Is that why you cry all the time when you think no one’s around?” Beth added quietly.

Jared choked back a sob and gave his daughters a watery smile. “I never wanted you to know anything about this. I know you see things, you’re both real smart, but what happened between me and your daddy isn’t the way people in love are supposed to treat each other. He would never be mean to you or Beth but I don’t want you to see it any more, either of you.”

“Daddy said it was because he loved you. He said it all the time,” Beth said uncertainly.

“I know, Munchkin. Maybe that’s all he knows, but I love you and I would never do those things to you. I want you to know the difference and that means not seeing your daddy for a long while.”

“I like it here,” Annabel said tentatively after a long pause, and glanced at her sister. “We can play as much as we like.”

“No more boring school,” Beth chimed in solemnly as she smiled mischievously at Annabel and Jared, though there was a hesitancy there too. It was not her full, carefree smile but it was a start and one Jared would cling to for as long as possible. Jared laughed breathily, his nervousness dissipating as he felt them relax into his arms. This would not be the last of this conversation but it was a start.

“Well, about that. Sorry to tell you this but classes are gonna start again soon and your teacher’s gonna make sure you do everything your s’posed to.” There were twin groans followed by a plaintive “ _Papa!”_  that made Jared smile.

“Don’t worry yourselves too much. I have a feeling you’ll love your new teacher.” Beth and Annabel looked at each other, mystified.  “C’mon. Bedtime,” Jared said as he clambered to his feet. “We’ll be moving our things in to the new place tomorrow and maybe we can make a start on your walls too.”

The girls beamed and chattered all the way through their evening routine, even trying to talk through the toothpaste and spraying Jared with the white foam. Jared read to them long after they had fallen asleep, reluctant to venture out of the safety of their room. 

It was gone midnight when Jeff looked in and saw Jared splayed out in the chair, head crooked at an uncomfortable angle. He smiled at the sight and pulled a blanket over Jared’s shoulders. A second later his face was serious again. He had been so close to punching Jared. The things that were coming out of the boy’s mouth, the sheer enormity of Jared’s dependency on that pain – enough to subject his daughters to that bastard when he had almost _killed_ Jared. It had shaken him to the core and all he had wanted to do was beat some sense into his head the way he had with Jensen so many times. It was the worst possible course of action considering what Jared had escaped from. If Jeff reinforced Jared’s need for pain - _punishment_ if Jeff had read it right – Jared would never be free of the abuse he had suffered. This was not something his time in the army had prepared him for, but he could not sit back and wait for something to trigger Jared and send him scurrying back to Tom. Jared needed someone that could override the fear and programmed responses so he could find himself again and Jeff knew it was not going to be him. He could be there to hold his hand, but he was not the one that would put Jared back together again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obliquely referenced suicide attempt  
> Alcohol abuse/addiction  
> referenced physical and mental/emotional abuse


	12. Chapter 11

The sun beat down on Jensen’s skin making it glisten with sweat. He had taken his oil streaked tee shirt off at some point and there was dirt smeared directly to the bronzed skin. Jared knew there would be freckles there if he got close enough to look. There would be a pink tinge to his skin too if he had been out there too long. It would be too stuffy to work in the garage, especially if he had to run the engine. Jensen always had preferred to work outside and Jared had loved to watch – or interrupt if he thought he could get away with it.

_ Jared tugged at the belt loops of Jensen’s jeans where he bent over the engine. Sweat was pouring off his skin and Jared just wanted to lick it all off. _

_ “Jay, I’m working,” Jensen grumbled half heartedly and turned in Jared’s arms. He nuzzled at Jared’s lips teasingly but pulled back when Jared tried to deepen the kiss. _

_ “You’re working on  _ my _car, Jen. I think that makes me the boss and I say time for a break,” Jared cajoled, nipping at Jensen’s neck as the older man was still withholding his succulent lips. He felt the vibration of Jensen’s groan as he licked and bit his way up Jensen’s throat. Jared let his hands roam over Jensen’s sun warmed skin.  The taste and smell of sweat filled his senses until all that existed was Jensen. It was intoxicating and it just kept getting better the more they did it._

_ They had still not gone beyond trading hand jobs and making out until their lips were swollen and bruised, though Jensen had given him a blow job that had sent him into the stratosphere the night before. Jensen was usually the one to slam on the brakes when things got too heavy and no amount of writhing, teasing or downright begging would make him change his mind. Maybe today Jensen would finally let him taste the gorgeous cock he had been fantasising about since he was fourteen. Not that he hadn’t tasted Jensen already. He had not been able to help himself the first time Jensen had come over his hand and had sucked his fingers clean. Jensen had groaned like he was dying and his cock had tried to harden once more but even a twenty year old needed more than a few seconds recovery time. _

_ Jared just wanted to get it from the source this time. He wanted to taste and smell and feel the weight of Jensen in his mouth. He wanted Jensen to lose control and buck into him until he came deep in Jared’s throat. He could practically taste it already and his mouth watered for it. Jared growled low in his throat and attacked Jensen’s mouth as he frantically worked at Jensen’s zipper. It was good to feel Jensen hard in his hand, the hot velvet skin sliding across his palm as he worked Jensen’s cock free. _

_ A moment later Jared was on his knees. He knew he could not give Jensen the chance to think about what was happening or he would stop it once more. Jared’s libido could not take it when he was so close. He needed to have Jensen’s dick in his mouth. He needed to make Jensen lose control with hand and mouth. Jensen’s cock seemed bigger from this angle, the blood-red head bobbing inches from his lips and Jared swallowed. He had never done this before - always having wanted Jensen to be the first, the only – but he fought down his apprehension and slid his tongue around the head of Jensen’s cock before sucking on it lightly. He heard a hiss of indrawn breath from above him and felt Jensen’s hand card through his hair, drawing him closer. He leaned down again with renewed confidence and let Jensen guide him as he took more of the shaft into his mouth. _

_ Once or twice Jared tried to take too much too soon and gagged when Jensen’s cock hit the back of his throat, but Jensen gently drew back each time to let him recover. Slowly, before he had even noticed, Jensen had worked almost his whole length into Jared’s mouth and was thrusting slightly. Jared sucked harder and worked the small amount of Jensen’s shaft he could not take with his hand, speeding up as he felt Jensen get closer. In moments Jensen was pulling out but Jared held fast to his hips and kept the pulsing weight of Jensen on his tongue, waiting for the first splash of come to burst into his mouth. _

_ Jensen cried out Jared’s name as he arched forward and spilt into Jared’s mouth and onto his face as he slipped free of Jared’s swollen lips. His hands fisted tightly in Jared’s hair as though he would never let go and Jared revelled in the slightly painful touch as it catapulted him into his own orgasm. He had been so focused on Jensen he had not realised how aroused he had become. The very thought of Jensen’s cock always had him rock hard in seconds and being able to touch and taste had sent him overboard. Now he knew what it was like, he could not wait for the next time. _

Jared watched Jensen from across the street and his fingers itched with the desire to re-enact that memory and a hundred others like it. He had popped out after his shift at the diner to get some paint. The bathroom needed redecorating after he had fixed some of the pipes that were leaking. The tiling had already been redone and the holes plastered over and now he needed to paint the walls. Beth and Annabel had tried to convince him sunshine yellow and spring green were the way forward, but Jared could not deal with anything that bright first thing in the morning. The stark white of Tom’s bathroom had been bad enough, but then, maybe the softer colours would be easier. Strange how even after nearly six years, he still thought of it as Tom’s apartment, Jared thought idly.

The girls were still with Jeff which meant he could select a nice sedate shade that would pacify his daughters and still be bearable when he was half asleep. That is, if he could stop staring at Jensen long enough to go into the hardware store.

“Hey, Jared!” a voice called from behind him. Jim was climbing out of his truck and waving. He looked crumpled and tired but his eyes were alert and smiling.

“Hey, Mr Beaver” Jared called back, turning away from Jensen. “Thought I hadn’t seen you for a few days. Been on a run?”

“How many times I gotta tell you to call me Jim?” the older man replied, smiling at Jared from under his battered cap. “And, yeah, had a delivery over in Sacramento. Idjits got the paperwork messed up too. Had to wait four hours for them to sort out whether they were supposed to be havin’ a delivery in the first place.”

“Well, I hope you didn’t come back empty handed. You been spoiling my daughters so much they expect it,” Jared teased lightly. He still kept a good distance between them - there were few people he let close enough to touch him these days – but he enjoyed the brief conversations they shared and his girls had taken to him warmly. “They want a trucker hat from everywhere you visit now and I’m not gonna tell them when you forget!” Jared continued.

“Like I would forget a promise to those sweet girls! I’m offended at the notion, Jared,” retorted Jim as he glared playfully at Jared. They grinned at each other and Jim chuckled as he clapped Jared on the back.

“You going to Morgan’s now?”

“Yeah. Thought I’d grab a bite before finding my bed. I’m gettin’ too old to sleep in my truck.”

“Don’t let anyone else hear you say that. Might think you’ve gone crazy. You love that old rig and you know it!”

“That I do,” Jim said affectionately. “So you got anything new on the menu this week? The specials haven’t changed this much in five years!”

“Well, pop on down and see. I’m lucky Jeff puts up with me using his diner as a culinary experiment.”

“Might have something to do with the way business has picked up since you did. Way I hear it Chad’s gunnin’ for you, showing him up like that.”

“Nah,” Jared waved off the concern, his smile widening at the idea of Chad actually upset that he got to do less work. Besides, the guy really loved to cook and relished the opportunity to broaden his skills.  Really, he knew how Chad had gotten his reputation as a harmless troublemaker, but he wondered that no one seemed to see through it except for Jeff, Sophia and him. “Chad’s got other things to worry about right now. Apparently Sophia got wise to his fake shoulder ache routine and is giving him the cold shoulder. Kinda ironic really.”

“And did you have anything to do with that?” Jim asked, curiously.

“Go away and give my daughters their presents old man!” Jared huffed and shooed Jim away. The older man grunted in mock irritation and resettled his hat against the glaring sun in the habitual way that made Jared smile indulgently. As Jim walked away, Jared stole one last glance over at 8-Balls. Jensen was standing now, wiping his hands off on the grubby cloth he always kept in his back pocket. Even when he had been in college studying Mechanical Engineering there had always been a rag handy.

Jensen chose that moment to look up, as though he sensed Jared’s eyes on him. He saw the lines of Jensen’s muscles tense and the hands grip tighter on the rag. In another life there would have been no hesitation. Jared would have walked over there and swept Jensen up in his arms, kissing him senseless and making sure he took a full lunch break, though whether he would have eaten was another matter entirely. He watched as Jensen turned away and walked into the darkness of the garage interior. 

It was like a punch to the stomach, but Jared knew it was his own doing. Without allowing himself another glance, he finally walked inside the hardware store and grabbed the first colour paint he could lay his hands on.

 

*****

Jensen leaned against the cool wall just inside the doorway. He had heard the entire exchange. How happy Jared was now, how much the town had come to love him. It was inevitable really. Jared just had that effect on people. Even Jim, one of the surliest people Jensen knew, had warmed to him instantly. Jensen knew Jim had helped Jeff when Jared was ill. It had shocked the old man to see Jared in such a state and Jim had not left out any of the details of that night.

It had started as just another evening at Sam’s, kicking back and relaxing with a beer before heading home, and then Jim had rolled back into town and was enjoying his first night of drinking in a week. Jensen had sat at the other end of the bar, listening to Jim catching up with Sam and his ears had pricked up when he started describing the young man Jeff had taken in. It had sounded so much like Jared and although at the time Jensen had no idea it was _his_ Jared, it still left him shaken and slightly sick. The description of Jared’s grey skin and purpling bruises, the way he had groaned in agony but not woken up was almost more than he could bear. He just wanted to drown the inevitable nightmares and sink into unconsciousness.

It was worse now that he knew, now that he had first hand memories of hurting Jared at the watering hole. So many times he had woken sweat slicked and aroused. He saw Jared’s face looking up at him, eyes black with want, mouth parted on a soft moan as Jensen slid inside his tight heat. The moans turned to cries of ecstasy as Jensen thrust harder, hand stroking Jared’s hard cock as they moved together. But sometimes, the worst days, just as Jensen reached the point of no return, Jared’s name falling from his lips, Jared’s cries would turn to screams of agony and his sweet face would twist in pain. His belly would swell and rupture. There was so much blood and still Jensen would not be able to stop, tears wetting his face as he cried out in completion.

On those days Jensen would wake reaching for the bottle, hoping it would take away his dreams, his memories. Only, that was not possible right now.  All he had was the knowledge he was sick inside and there was nothing he could do about it. Without the drink the nightmares were becoming more frequent.

Sam had refused to let him buy a bottle the last time he had come in. She had been doing that a lot recently. She let him drink at the bar, giving him the odd free beer when he came in after work, but there was a limit that was always reached just after the general store had closed. Not that Jensen needed a bottle in order to sleep. He just needed it to quiet the dreams.

Seeing Jared like that, standing and _chatting_ in the middle of his town like there was nothing in the world to worry about, it jarred. Day by day he could see Jared and his children blossoming in the town that should have been their home all along, while Jensen withered inside. Jensen had spent yet another restless night trying not to dream and failing. He could still feel Jared’s skin against his if he let himself think about it, but he did not because inevitably he would feel the slick of Jared’s blood on his hands. The knowledge of Jared’s gaze on him, though - that was real. 

Even as he worked in the heat of the Texas sun, he felt Jared watching him. It took everything in him not to look. If he looked he would see heat and want and _love_ there even if it did not exist. Just like he had when they had been at the watering hole after visiting Alice. He had been so sure Jared had wanted him but in the end Jensen had been swept up in his own desire and not given a thought to Jared’s wellbeing. He could not bear to see the hate that would radiate from Jared if he looked, really looked.

Jensen was sick. Sick because, even after everything, even after he all but raped Jared, all he could think about was sinking into Jared’s body again. He could still remember every moment of passion they had shared but now it was a twisted, writhing thing in the pit of his stomach. A burning shame he could not deny. He was sick but that did not mean Jared had to suffer for it.

 

*****

Tom sat in his apartment. It was the penthouse of course. He had the whole top floor of the most expensive building in San Antonio. The windows covered an entire wall, floor to ceiling and he could look out and see the Alamo right there in front of him whenever he wanted. Not that he often took the time but being able to afford it was another symbol of his status.

The furniture was sparse, clean and black on a light hardwood floor, stainless steel and chrome glinted in the afternoon sun. The twins’ toys were cleared away neatly like Tom had taught them and every inch of the place was spotless. It was exactly as he liked it. Exactly the way Jared always kept it for him.

Once Jared had realised how Tom liked his house kept, that there was an order to his life that needed to be kept, Jared had fulfilled his needs effortlessly. Tom no longer needed the maid he had hired fifteen years ago. Jared had managed to keep the apartment up to Tom’s standard while looking after two young children. It put everyone else Tom had shared his life with, no matter how briefly, to shame. Tom was proud of Jared and the way he tried to please him, even if sometimes he still got things wrong. He had a temper, he knew that, and he tried to make Jared understand that if he just did things the way Tom wanted it would be better, they would be happy.

It all came down to the fact that Tom could not think if something was out of place. He had to look after his business and his campaign, both of which require all his attention. He just did not understand why Jared had to do this to him now. And to stay away so long – there was only so long he could cover Jared’s absence until people started asking awkward questions. Sure, things had gotten a little more heated than usual last time, but that was no reason for Jared to run. In fact, the more he thought about it the less likely it seemed. Why would Jared run? He had no one else to turn to, to look after him.

No, it had to have been that man at the hospital. Had he kidnapped Jared, the twins? Maybe he knew who they were and was preparing a ransom demand right now. After all there had been threats when he had announced he was running for Governor, even if he had dismissed them at the time. Well, Tom Welling would not bow down to anyone. Mike was on the case. He would bring Jared home and Tom would make sure Jared never left again.

Tom gripped the tumbler of Scotch in his hand, cold fury washing through him. He enjoyed the smooth burn as it slid down his throat. He forged his anger into a scalpel as he turned his mind to the effect this would have on his campaign. Perhaps if it was a kidnap it could help. Tom could go to the police. He would be distraught and fearful for his family’s lives. He would not negotiate; he would put his faith in the police department that served his city so well. The voters loved that kind of thing.

The file lay on the glass table in front of the couch. It was everything he knew about Jared Tristan Padalecki. Everything Mike’s investigators had been able to find out before and after Tom had asked him to move in. Ever since Jared had found out he was pregnant.

There was the usual birth certificate, high school diploma, college transcripts, medical history. That was the interesting one. Tom had made sure Mike verified that himself. Jared would not have been the first to try and trap a Welling by tricking him into parenthood, whether real or fake. It was all true though. There had been a car accident and complications during a premature labour that led to Jared being pronounced unable to bear any more children. They should have been safe. Still, a family of his own, with someone like Jared? What more could a man possibly hope for?

It did not stop the burning curiosity though. Another picture sat at the top of the file now. A young man just out of his teens, slim but filling out, pretty, his arm slung around Jared’s shoulders. It was the same man as in the photo Jared kept, though they were older in Jared’s photo. Mike had not been able to find out much about the man who had got to Jared first, before Jared knew who he belonged to. He had been on the baby’s birth and death certificate, was Jared’s emergency medical contact at that time. There had been some media coverage over the trial. The drunk driver who had ploughed into the Padalecki’s car, killing everyone except Jared and his brother. Jared’s brother who had been in a coma ever since and who was being kept alive by the settlement Jared had received from the driver.

Tom hated that picture. It was a piece of Jared’s past that Tom could not touch. Jared would never talk about it. The only time they had come close was when they found out he was pregnant, but that was little more than medical history. Time and again Jared would avoid any mention of the man.  Jensen Ackles. No matter how angry it made Tom, Jared insisted on keeping silent. One of their worst fights had been over that man. In the end Tom had seen red and Jared had taken a trip to the ER. All the time Jared had pleaded with Tom to understand, told him he was sorry, that there was nothing between them anymore and that Tom was all he wanted now.

It had been weeks before Jared regained full feeling in his fingers – apparently there had been nerve damage from where Tom had ground his heel into Jared’s hand. Tom had never wanted it to go that far but it hurt that Jared was keeping something from him. He had treated Jared like a king when he was released, rehired the maid until he was better and a nanny for the twins to keep them quiet and out of their Papa’s way. He had not mentioned Jensen Ackles’ name for a long time after that, though the anger and jealousy festered out of sight, waiting for an excuse to erupt.

The stirring strains of Holst’s Mars, the Bringer of War shattered the silence of the room. Tom always felt his heart settle into the beat as he listened, the power of the music surging through him and making him feel ready for anything. The perfect sound to announce a call and right now Tom needed the strength. He was holding onto his equilibrium by a thread and whether the call yielded good or bad news, Tom needed to stay calm. He needed to remain rational and choose the best course of action, for himself, for his family, for Jared.

“What have you got for me, Mike?” Tom barked down into his cell.

“You know a little courtesy wouldn’t kill you, Tom. Luckily I’m immune to your charm otherwise I might have fallen at your feet long ago,” Mike replied dryly. Tom was used to his lawyer’s sarcasm and knew that any attempt to rush him would meet with more of the same. Sometimes it was just easier to give in.

“I don’t think you’ve ever fallen like that, Mike and you’re not about to start now so why don’t you cut to the chase and tell me what you’ve found,” Tom gritted out.

“Shows how little you know me. Sometimes I think you only want me for my brain. Do you know how insulting that is when I have a body like this?”

“If you’re stalling because it’s bad news it’s the wrong tactic. What. Have. You. Got?” Tom glared at the phone as though the anger would scorch the man at the other end. Sometimes the guy just would not let up. It was frustrating as all hell.

“We’ve got a lead,” Mike snapped back, his good mood evaporating at the tone in Tom’s voice. “We found out the area where emergency services take patients to that hospital over another and started canvassing. We were about to give up and try something else in all honesty but this little old lady stops one of my guys. She heard there were people asking around about seeing anything strange the week leading up to your call from the hospital.”

“She saw something?” Tom interjected urgently.

“Way to ruin the punchline, jackass,” Mike grouched. “So, yeah, she saw something. A guy roughly matching the description you gave getting into a black Ford pickup. She was concerned because there were two children and another man who seemed drunk. Swaying on his feet, groaning, that kind of thing. Sound like your boy?” Mike asked nastily.

“What else?” Tom barked into the phone.

“She got a partial plate.”

“Tell me you can trace it,” Tom said excitedly. This was more than he could have hoped for, even from Mike.

“We’re on it. There are a number of matches, Tom. It’ll take some time but I’ve got my best guys tracking it down.”

“Did she report it?”

“No. Didn’t want to bother the cops with a bad feeling and get laughed at for being a foolish old woman. Her words.” Mike paused. “Go easy on this one, Tom. You have a lot at stake here. One false move and it could all blow up in our faces. You need Jared and the twins back with you or you need them gone. Permanently.” There was no mistaking the implication and Tom felt the anger rise up again.

“It’s fine,” Tom bit out. “You find him and let me bring him back. He knows I’m the only one that cares.  _I_ take care of him.  _I_ provide for him and Bethany and Annabel. You really think he’d give all that up? You find him. I’ll do the rest.”

Tom allowed himself a small smile as he disconnected the call. Soon Jared would be home where he belonged and they would have a long talk about priorities. He really should not have taken the twins. He should never have left in the first place. Tom would have made sure he was well taken care of and he would not have been in the hospital in the first place. They put _his girls_ into care. Yeah, he and Jared had a lot to talk about. But right now he had a meeting. It was time to start filling the war chest. He had an election to win.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> War chest – political slang for campaign money


	13. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please see warnings in the end notes as some of this could be triggery or just disturbing.

Jared stood barefoot on the newly sanded and stained porch, coffee in hand and his jeans riding low on his hips. His clothes were still a little loose on him but he was filling out again. He had never realised just how much weight he had lost, how much muscle tone, in the years he had been with Tom and his illness after had robbed him of more. Tom picked out all of his clothes, Jared never had a reason to look at price tags or sizes, he would wait in the dressing room and try on the clothes that were passed through, do a turn for Tom and wait for him to say whether it would be bought. If he had to be dressed for a function, the same would happen again, only this time he would stand there while the tailor measured him and discussed colour and cut with Tom. They never commented on his build, just the best ways to accentuate his figure.

Now he was on his own, the bruises were gone and the scars as faded as they ever would be. The porch was set back enough that Jared felt comfortable walking outside shirtless in order to enjoy the cool morning air. It was his one luxury and a habit he did not seem to be able to break. 

Every morning _before_ he would wake up; get everything ready for breakfast; make sure there was enough of Tom’s favourite body scrub, shampoo and aftershave in the bathroom; tidy any mess they had made the night before if he was unable to do it before crawling into bed, or if Tom was feeling generous enough to let it wait until morning. It all depended upon how good Jared had been. Sometimes Tom did not care when the house was cleaned, so long as he did not have to see anything out of place.  One of the few times Tom let it slide was when Jared had been taken to ER after falling onto the glass coffee table. The glass had shattered under him and he had needed stitches in five places along his back. Tom had helped him to bed and told him to rest, holding him gently and stroking his hair. He had felt so loved, knowing that despite how much he messed everything up, Tom was still there trying to make him better and forgiving his mistakes. Tom had told him to sleep in the next morning but Jared was too used to being up.  Despite the pain from the cuts - he had been asleep before he could see where Tom had put the pain meds - he had crawled out of bed and started his daily routine. By the time Tom was in the shower all of the glass was gone and Jared had ordered another table, guaranteed to be there before Tom came back that evening.

After he had made sure everything was as Tom liked it in the morning, he would make the coffee, rich and strong, sweetened as much as he could because Tom did not like it if he had too much sugar, said it was a bad influence on the twins, and that first cup of the day would be the only chance he would have all day to have it as he actually liked. It was a little rebellion. One of the few pieces of his old life he allowed himself to keep.

All of that gave him a good half an hour to step out onto the balcony and absorb the solitary peacefulness. He could hear the city purring around him but at that time in the morning it was distant and soft, lulling him like a cat’s purr would. He would curl up in his stretched out and worn hoodie and cradle the steaming mug in his hands. Those were precious moments for him. Sometimes he thought it was the only reason he had coped for so long.

The ritual had changed some since moving to Washford. The house had quickly become a home to Jared and his daughters and had taken shape over the month since they had moved in. The few things that needed to be brought up to date were being done when there was the time and money available. They were also slowly working on decorating the rooms. The smell of fresh paint permeated the house and Jared loved it almost as much as the smell of his morning coffee.

The summer was in full swing now. The schools were out but the days were too hot for the kids to do more than loll in the shade. It was the evening when things started moving, children playing in the parks and streets, barbeques with friends before heading down to Six Flags, Sam’s bar. Jared loved to watch the people walking down there and listen to the faint bursts of music drifting in the still night air. Jensen had told him stories about trying to get served with his friends when they were teenagers and Sam laughing in their faces. Jared had always wanted to go there but the idea of going without Jensen seemed wrong. That was not his life any more, even if he had made a home of the town.

So, every morning Jared found himself leaning, barefoot and bare-chested, against the railing of the porch. He gazed out over the garden and listened to the faint sound of traffic coming from Main Street. It was quieter than the city but Jared found the familiar sound of cars in the distance comforting. There was not much traffic along his road as it was close enough to the centre of town for the residents to walk and was not a main thoroughfare into Washford. It was kind of perfect.

Beth and Annabel were still asleep and the warmth of the sun competed with the cooler air of the night. It was good to feel the sun on his skin again. Once he had been tanned and lean, now he was a wasted shell of a man, skinny and pale and with a fraction of the strength he used to have. It was a good thing he could not afford to hire anyone to help with the remodelling of the house, the exercise he got from it was badly needed.

Jared sipped at the coffee in his hand and heard the sounds of his daughters stirring. They would come out and join him for a few minutes before breakfast as soon as they were awake enough. Alone time was essential to Jared, not that many people had realised it when he was a young bundle of energy that loved people just as much, but there was nothing better than starting the day tranquilly with the people he loved most in the world.

A glowing grin spread across his face as he stared out into of his garden. He felt truly alive once more. Happy for the first time in years.

Beth and Annabel were pulling on their dressing gowns as they swung the door to the house open. They were yawning and scraping their mussed hair away from their faces but smiled up at their papa as he bent down to kiss them good morning.

Jared heard the sound of an engine in the background, closer than usual, but he ignored it. He did not see the black sedan with the tinted windows roll slowly past. All he was interested in was curling up on the swing seat with his girls and greeting the coming day.

 

*****

“Jared!” Jeff yelled from the stairs when Jared walked into the kitchen, Beth and Annabel in tow. “Get your butt up here! Right now!”

Jared stiffened even as he chided himself for the reaction. There had been nothing but sincere affection between them from the start and there was no reason to think otherwise, even if Jeff was ordering him upstairs. He glanced down at the girls and smiled.

“Why don’t you get your books out and settle in?” Jared said, gesturing at the table and hoisting their bags onto it. He smiled at them reassuringly and ruffled their hair, much to their chagrin. “I’ll go see what Jeff wants and be back soon.” They nodded absently, already pulling out pens and pencils.

“Jared!” called Jeff again and Jared could hear the hoarseness in it this time. He bounded up the stairs and peaked into the living room. Jeff was nowhere to be seen. “Jared, I’m in the bedroom.”

“Jeff?” asked Jared as he made his way to the room that had been his temporary home for a few weeks. “What’s going on, man?” As he entered the room he was taken aback by the sight presented to him. Jeff was pale and flushed, his eyes glazed and his nose red and sore. 

“The flu, Jared, what the hell does it look like?” Jeff snapped. “I can’t go into work today and it’s Sophia’s day off. Can you call her? I need her to come in and help out front. You’re gonna have to keep everything ticking over while I’m out of action, Jared. Make sure Soph and Chad toe the line.”

“Wouldn’t Chad be better?” Jared asked hesitantly. He had never worked in the front of the diner without Jeff there and never for long. “He knows how things work.”

“So do you, Jared. You know exactly what to do and you’re a natural. Besides, the last time Chad interacted with my customers I almost lost the business. Chad _never_ gets to talk to the customers. It’s Morgan’s rule number 1.”

“I can’t, Jeff. Sophia can handle it. It’s not like it’s a Saturday or anything.” Jared’s eyes flitted around the room. He looked trapped but he was keeping a lid on it for now. Jeff knew he had to keep pressing Jared while he could. It was hard but it always seemed to work – remind Jared of the way he used to be and it all came flooding back, albeit in a more reserved way.

“Jared,” started Jeff before a fit of hacking coughs racked him, leaving him breathless. “Jared, you have to. The schools are out for summer so the kids are all hanging round causing mischief and Chad pissed Soph off enough she won’t even talk to him. I need you to referee them. Treat ‘em like you would a class full of seven year olds.”

Jared turned and walked out of the room. Jeff was calling weakly after him, the coughing fit had really taken a lot of energy out of him, but Jared ignored it. He walked into the small kitchen and poured out a glass of water. A second later he was heading back to the bedroom, glass in one hand and flu meds in the other.

Jeff sighed in relief as Jared perched on the edge of the bed and helped Jeff into a more upright position. He had really thought Jared would just leave him there. Jared needed his safety nets and hated anything unusual happening. Asking him to work in the front of the diner without Jeff there to back him up was a huge deal, but there was no one Jeff trusted more to do it. Chad and Sophia were great in their jobs and he would not be without them, but they were too young in a lot of ways. They enjoyed teasing each other and playing around when they could get away with it but Jeff was usually there to keep them in check. If he was not there, things could rapidly go downhill, especially if Chad and Sophia were on the outs. Jared had the ability to make everyone _want_ to do what he said and he did not even realise it. He also worked hard and diligently, making sure everything was as close to perfect as possible. A little too diligently Jeff often thought as he watched Jared discard a perfectly good plate because it was not up to Jared’s exacting standards.

When Jared handed him the medicine and the glass of water, Jeff obediently swallowed and fell back into the pillows. He watched Jared’s face as they sat there in silence. After a while Jared stood and pulled the blankets further up, tucking them round Jeff’s shoulders before making sure everything else Jeff might want was within reach.

“Okay,” Jared said softly. “But you have to rest up. I’ll send the girls up every couple of hours to fill up the glass and see if you need anything else. They’ll be quiet if you’re sleeping. The phone’s there if you need anything before then.”

Jeff smiled up at Jared gratefully. The kid was a godsend and he had a feeling he would not have to beg half his clientele to come back once he had recovered.

“Thanks Jared.  I can’t tell you how grateful I am for this.” Jeff slouched down in his bed, relieved. A smile approaching amusement crossed Jared’s face. Jeff could tell he was still nervous, but he was more relaxed about it now at least.

“Just hurry up and get better. There’s only so much bitching I can take from Chad before _I_ fire him this time!”

“So long as you don’t let him talk to the customers I do not care,” Jeff replied with a weak chuckle. “Oh, and if Jensen comes in, send him up.”

Jared stilled and stared at Jeff in shock. “Jensen?”

“Yeah, he pops in sometimes for a coffee and a little company. Haven’t seen him for a while but he might come in.”

“He been in since we went to see Alice?” Jared asked hesitantly, not sure if he really wanted to know. What if he had spent the last month thinking he had been so successful in avoiding Jensen only to find out it was only chance they had missed each other?

“A few times. He takes a booth in the back so he can get a little privacy. Hates people disturbing him just to get a little gossip. ‘Specially as he was the subject of it for so long.” Jeff coughed again, curling up against the harsh burn in his lungs. The effort left him exhausted and he could feel his eyes dropping.

“Go to sleep, Jeff,” said Jared gently, his voice still trembling at the thought of being confronted with Jensen again after what he had done. “I’ll make sure everything is fine for you.”

Jared quietly closed the door behind him and headed for the diner’s kitchen. He had been gone longer than he thought and Chad was already warming up the grill ready for the first customers of the day. Beth and Annabel were giggling as they watched Chad dance around the table, humming some unidentifiable tune and breaking into off-key warbling periodically.

“Jay-red, my man!” Chad called when he spotted Jared in the doorway. They had spent so much time working in the diner together that it was not surprising that he had the girls completely distracted the instant he walked in. It was only surprising that he had not heard the squeals of delight from Jeff’s room. “Where is that slacker I call a boss this morning? I come on in – five minutes early I might add – and is he here to give me credit for it? I think not. All I find are these exotic beauties waiting for me,” he continued as he bowed towards Beth and Annabel, drawing another bout of giggles from them. “Of course I think I must be dreaming and fell to my knees before them!” Chad threw out his arms and dropped down with an exaggerated expression of rapture. “Then I told them I was not worthy to look upon their beauty. Well, of course these two are far too smart to fall for that line and I am left to try and court their affection in other ways.” Chad sighed and clambered back to his feet, a pout pulling at his mouth but his eyes sparkling with mischief.

“Don’t be sad, Chad,” cried out Annabel. She darted from her seat and tugged on his trousers. “We do like you, don’t we Beth!”

“Yeah, Chad! Don’t be sad!” Beth echoed and laughed, “sad Chad. You rhyme!”

“Don’t be sad, Chad! Don’t be sad, Chad!” they chanted and skipped around him until Chad lunged suddenly and scooped them up in his arms.

“I knew it!” he crowed and hugged them tight. “You cannot resist me!”

Tears of laughter were falling from Jared’s eyes as he watched the spectacle laid out in front of him. He could not remember the last time he had laughed this hard or this freely. He propped himself up against the wall and tried to drag air into his lungs until he was hiccupping from the strain.

Sophia had walked in unnoticed and watched Chad play with the girls. She remembered in times like these what it was she had first seen in him, the playful and caring young man that loved to enjoy life. Unfortunately, that was also the problem. She sometimes thought he did not know how to be serious and the way he thought he could win her back by playing the fool or tricking her made her madder than hell.

She tore her gaze away from Chad and stared at Jared. The change in him at that moment was phenomenal. It was not just the full throated laugh that made her toes curl, it was the way his whole _being_ seemed to light up when he grinned like that. And jeez, just how big was his mouth? Without even realising it she found an answering grin spreading across her own face and it was all she could do not to laugh out loud. It was hard to remember she was still angry at Chad right now. If she smiled at him now all the work of the past two weeks would be undone.

There was a break in the absurdity as Chad gently lowered Beth and Annabel to the floor and all four of them attempted to regain their breath. Sophia wiped the grin off her face with difficulty and coughed loudly to get their attention. They whipped round with half guilty expressions on their faces and Sophia fought down the urge to laugh yet again. She quirked an eyebrow at them instead and watched as the two grown adults looked more like scolded schoolchildren than the girls did.

“What’s going on around here?” she asked haughtily. “The diner’s supposed to be opening in like five minutes and there is no coffee on and none of the tables are laid out. Please tell me you stopped goofing around long enough to get the breakfast menu together.”

Jared’s face clouded over, the easy smile gone in an instant and the perpetual worry lines reappeared as his lips pressed together. Sophia felt her heart drop at the loss of the warmth that smile brought with it and once again cursed Chad for making her the bad guy in this scenario.

“Jeff’s got the flu. He called me upstairs a little while ago, told me what needed to be done. We got a little sidetracked here but we’ll get it done,” Jared said determinedly. He was already moving as he spoke, quickly working out what needed to be done and the best way to do it. He was still used to working alone so he was surprised when Sophia set up the coffee maker and Chad started preparing the fruit for the pancakes and waffles. 

Jared headed out to the front, gathering armfuls of fresh napkins, placemats, menus, cutlery and glasses as he quickly and methodically worked his way around the diner. Sophia had followed in his wake, relieving him of various items and taking a table while Jared moved on to the next. By the time the door jangled with the first customer they were ready to go, poised and waiting as Kim came in with her husband Richard and their twin boys.

“Jared,” called Kim across the room. “Get over here! I want to introduce you to my boys.”

Jared strolled over to the counter a small smile on his face as he saw her. He stopped a few steps away from the family and studied the two young men. They were identical, just like his girls, and took their blonde colouring and height from their mother, standing just under six foot but they were solidly built, all muscle like their father.

“Max, Ethan, I want you to meet Jared,” said Kim and her boys politely held their hands out. Jared wiped his hands nervously on his apron, hoping it would be seen as an act of cleanliness rather than nervousness. He returned their firm but light grasp and quickly backed off again. He hated how uncomfortable he had become in the presence of strangers. Even though he knew Kim, knew there was no way Max or Ethan would try and hurt him, he still felt his stomach knot in fear. Tom was considered a gentleman, a good and upstanding member of the community but that did not stop him beating Jared almost daily.

“Good to meet you. Your momma’s told me all about you,” Jared said and smiled a little at the good natured groans that echoed from Max and Ethan.

“Yeah, Jared’s going through everything I had to with you two! Little terrors at the age your girls are. Still, girls are easier than boys. Bet you never have any trouble with them do you?” Kim said mostly to tease her boys.

“Are you kidding?” Jared replied, laughing. “Those girls are gonna send me grey early I swear!”

“ _Papa! We are not!”_  the girls chorused as the burst through the kitchen doors into the diner. Jared laughed and ruffled their hair as they curled into his sides, looking up through their hair at the two new additions to the Campbell family.

“They’re perfect little angels and you know it, Jared!” exclaimed Kim as she swatted playfully at his shoulder. She saw the slight dimming of his smile, but it was familiar even if it was sad to see.

“Well, why don’t you guys grab a table and I’ll bring the coffee,” Jared said briskly. “As you can see you have the pick of the place this morning.”

“Might as well get a couple of stacks of pancakes started, Jared,” said Richard wearily. “You should see the way these guys have been eating since they came home. Laundry and food - I swear that’s the only reason we see them these days.”

Jared escaped quickly back to the kitchen and shooed Beth and Annabel to the table. He liked Richard, he did, but he could not seem to get over the initial nervousness that hit him when anyone new came into his life. Kim on the other hand, just wormed her way into his affections with tall tales of her grown up sons. He wished he could sit and talk with them all the way he did with Kim, but being surrounded by men he barely knew sent waves of panic through him.

Beth and Annabel’s colouring books were still laying open though some of the pencils had been scattered on the floor when they had rushed at Chad. Soon enough they were engrossed again, discussing the best colours to use and arguing over who had what. As often happened, they disappeared into a world of their own that excluded even their own father. Jared actually enjoyed watching them, knowing that no matter what happened they would have each other, but another part feared for them. If they lost one another it would be far more devastating than his own loss and that had almost destroyed him.

By the time he re-emerged with the plates of food Sophia had served the coffee and taken down the rest of the Campbell’s order. There was also another customer at the end of the counter. He too had a steaming cup of fresh coffee in front of him but he was still studying the menu between long sweeping looks around the room. It was no one that Jared recognised and he could place most of the regulars by now. It made his breath hitch in his throat slightly but he had promised Jeff.

The stranger caught Jared’s eye on the next glance to Jared’s end of the room and gave him an appraising look, a half smile playing on his lips and his artfully ruffled brown hair falling over this forehead. Jared fought the urge to run and make Sophia tend to the new customer instead.

“You ready to order?” he asked softly as he grabbed a pad and pen from underneath the register.

“I think so,” the guy replied, his voice deeper than Jared expected, but with a lightness to it that was strangely pleasant. Definitely not Texas though. “But before I do, do you have any specials you want to recommend?”

“Well, there’s the breakfast platter which gives you a little taste of everything. It’s good if you can’t decide what to have.”

“Oh, I know exactly what I want right now,” he said, glancing up at Jared with a slow smile. “Just wanted to see if you had anything special for me.”

There was little more than a barely there inflection in the guy’s voice that suggested anything other than what he was saying.  Jared could have been imagining it but still he backed up a little and ripped a page needlessly off the top of the order pad. He cleared his throat and poised his pen ready, looking expectantly at the man. “So, what do you want?”

“The eggs with a side of bacon and a short stack. Can I get a glass of the freshly squeezed OJ too?” he said quickly and handed back the menu with a bright smile, all traces of flirtation gone in an instant. He was a customer ordering breakfast and nothing else. Maybe Jared had imagined it, but even if he had it was enough for Jared to want to stay as far away from him as possible.

“No problem. I’ll just go back and get it ready for you. Holler if you need anything else,” Jared said as he headed quickly for the kitchen. He was more than willing to let Sophia deal with two tables while he sat in the back and helped Chad. Of course Chad had other ideas and within five minutes he was begging Jared to go out front.

“There is not enough work here for two chefs, Jared,” he said exasperatedly. “Will you please head out front for a while and bug Sophia?”

Jared ducked his head and glanced at the girls. They were absorbed in some kind of puzzle, their eyes crinkled with concentration as they argued good naturedly. It had only been half an hour since he had been up with Jeff and it was likely the man was asleep considering how exhausted he had seemed after the last coughing fit. He did not even have that excuse right now. With a sigh he headed through the swinging door and headed for the coffee jug.

When he held it up to the Campbell’s they actually cheered. Jared glanced around for Sophia and found her leaning over the counter chatting with the new guy while he ate. A few more customers had filtered in by this point and Jared tossed a glare at Sophia when he finally managed to catch her eye.

 _Get back to work._  He mouthed at her on his way to the next table. Full mugs of coffee and five orders later, Jared was stuck behind the counter again. Sophia was darting in and out of the kitchen while looking longingly at the man still sitting at the end of the counter. He had long finished his meal and was sitting back with yet another cup of coffee, an untouched crossword in front of him.

The man stared at Jared while he worked, creating things to do with his time between customers because Chad still would not let him back into the kitchen. Sophia was wiping down some of the tables and replacing the napkins and cutlery, putting out clean coffee cups ready for the next customer. Occasionally she would stray back to the counter and talk to the guy who just would not leave.

“So, are you ever going to say anything to me?” the guy asked after a while. “I mean ‘do you want a refill?’ has its place but it’s hardly the height of conversation.”

“I’m sorry; did you want to see the menu again?” Jared asked politely and the guy sighed.

“I’m Misha, Misha Collins. I was having an interesting conversation with Sophia earlier but she has her hands full with those tables right now. I thought I might see if you can say more than food related sentences.” The guy seemed somewhere between amused and exasperated and Jared still could not work out if he was trying to hit on him. Not that it mattered, Jared was not going to give him the chance.

“I can. Doesn’t mean I’m gonna. I’m working here and I’d appreciate it if you’d let me,” Jared replied stiffly.

“Yeah, the spare napkins really need to be sorted again don’t they. Are you sure you still have twenty bundles?” The sarcasm was unveiled and there was still a friendly smile lurking on Misha’s lips, but Jared bristled.

“What exactly is it you want, sir?” Jared asked, an edge to the polite tone.

“All I’m looking for is some friendly conversation. You don’t seem to have a problem providing that for other people,” Misha replied, gesturing to a few of the filled tables.

“Those people I know. You, I don’t.”

“Well, how are we going to rectify that if you don’t talk to me?” Misha asked, a playful smile lighting up his eyes.

“Guess we won’t,” Jared replied stubbornly. 

This was the whole reason Jared hated being out front for longer than it took to deliver someone’s meal. Strangers always tried to talk to him. Finally he turned to face the guy, Misha, and took a good look. There was nothing overtly threatening about him, nothing that screamed danger. He was friendly, flirtatious but nothing that could not be attributed to a playful personality. It was the flirtatious and charming part that pushed Jared’s panic button and he knew it.

Jared tried to remember a time when he would have been happy to get to know this guy. In fact, the moment he had turned up on his own, Jared would have been in his face asking a dozen questions that were none of his business and leaving the poor guy a little shell shocked in the process. It never used to be so much effort to get Jared to talk and by the end of half an hour he would have covered both their life stories. Jensen had always teased him for it. His brother had shouted at complete strangers from across a room to run while they had the chance. No one ever had and most of them had ended up glad they stayed.

It was a mystery to Jared why people seemed so open to him, why they wanted to spend time with him. Even before, when he was growing up without a care in the world, he marvelled at the fact people would enjoy listening to him or talking to him. That had all changed though. After Alice, he had stopped talking, stopped listening, just stopped. Tom liked that he was so quiet and did what he was told. People still flocked to him, Tom’s colleagues at parties or functions, but they liked that he just stood there and let them leer at him or grope him until Tom intervened.

Tom did not like to hear Jared’s excuses. It did not matter if Jared tried to push them away or if he let them crowd in and touch him. He was always making a spectacle of Tom, taking the focus away from him. He was just a whore that craved attention.

_“Did you let them touch you? Did you want it?” Tom hissed in his ear on the way back to the apartment. The grip on his arm was painfully tight and Jared knew there would be fresh bruises there before the night was out. When they reached the apartment Tom flung Jared inside and he tumbled to the floor as Tom slammed the door shut. Jared was glad the girl’s bedroom was at the back; that with the extra soundproofing should protect them from hearing Tom’s wrath._

_“Did you beg for them to fuck you while I was busy working? You know they wanted to, right? Tom said, his low voice full of venom as his chest heaved with anger, his body pressed up against Jared’s where he was struggling to rise from the floor. “You can’t learn, can you. You can’t just keep quiet and blend into the background like you’re supposed to. You have to show me up at every turn.”_

_“Tom, no-“ Jared tried but he was cut off with a quick jab to the solar plexus that drove the air from his lungs._

_“I could have just found a whore off the street to do better than you. I mean, I know you crave cock twenty-four-seven but I would have thought the plug I shoved up your ass would at least have quieted you some. But maybe it just revved you up some more. Maybe you need more than just one cock now. Is that it? You need to be stretched some more? You’d probably be too loose for me right now anyway._

_Jared groaned as Tom flipped him roughly. “How’s it feel, baby?” Tom asked with deceptive seductiveness. “Feel good to have that plug moving inside? It’ll feel even better soon. You keep trying to deny it, but we both know how much you love it. You_ crave _it.” Tom licked the side of Jared’s face and grabbed at his clothes. “You need me.”_

_Tom did not even bother undoing the fly on his pants before yanking them down along with the designer boxer briefs Tom insisted he wear. The burn on his hips was nothing to what he knew was coming, nothing different than a thousand other times. This though, the plug was new and Jared whimpered as he fought to get away. Tom aimed a punch at his kidneys, short and sharp enough to have Jared crying out in pain._

_“You don’t run!” Tom hissed. “You’re mine, Jared. This is all you’re good for now. A hot little hole for me to do what I want with. Me. Nobody else, Jared. Me.”_

_Jared’s struggles increased as he felt Tom nudge the plug to the side, the blunt tip of his cock sliding in beside. The stretch and burn was unbearable and Jared could feel the skin start to tear. Tom stopped trying to press in and Jared sighed with relief, his body going lax in Tom’s arms. The tears were falling as he clung to the man that had caused him so much pain._

_“Thank you,” he whispered in Tom’s ear. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t stop them.”_

_“I know Jared,” Tom replied, stroking Jared’s sweat soaked hair. “It’s not like you’re a man any more is it. You can’t do anything but lay back and take it. But don’t worry, I’ll help you. I’ll brand it into your skin if I have to. You bend over only for me.”_

_Tom took that moment to thrust up hard into Jared’s abused hole, his cock slick now but with no more care for Jared’s comfort than the first time. Jared screamed in pain at the sudden intrusion, burying his head in Tom’s chest to try and stifle the noise. It felt like he was being split in two, the skin tearing even more as Tom started moving, his hips snapping hard into Jared’s._

_As Tom fucked him ruthlessly, Jared clung to his shoulders and prayed for it to be over. Tom’s words spilled into his ears as he cried; words telling him how worthless he was over and over, how he deserved everything Tom did to him because he was not good enough._

_It was long excruciating minutes later that Jared felt Tom near his orgasm. As he did, Tom’s hand came round to cup Jared’s limp cock and balls. He squeezed hard and Jared almost blacked out at the agony._

_“God, you really aren’t a man any more are you?” Tom snarled harshly. “You can’t even get it up while I fuck you. Having a vagina really did something to you didn’t it? You’re not even a woman; a woman doesn’t pretend to be something she’s not. Maybe I should cut this off for you. Get you some nice panties and a bra, get the doctor to make your change permanent rather than temporary. No more hiding what you are.”_

_Tom increased his grip on Jared’s cock and slipped out of Jared’s wet hole, the plug still nestled inside. Tom grabbed the base with his free hand and started thrusting it in and out, making sure to hit his prostate on each thrust. Jared cried out again, the pain dimming slightly in the onslaught, though the burn never fully faded. He felt himself harden as Tom held him tightly, battering his senses with pain and pleasure._

_“I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you prove you’re man enough for me? If you come I’ll let you keep it. Prove to me you still know how this thing works.”_

_Jared stopped fighting. He worked his mind away from the cocoon of pain he had enveloped himself in, the one constant of his life. He knew Tom in these moods and he knew the only way to stop it was to do as he was told. He ignored the burning pain in his abused ass and the throbbing of his imprisoned cock and felt only the pleasure of the rubber sliding against his prostate. He let his mind wander back to more pleasant times when sex had been about more than power and control. He wept as his orgasm claimed him and Tom finally released him and pushed him roughly back to the floor._

_“Go clean up and get into bed. I’m going in to see the twins. They’ll want to say goodnight in five minutes.”_

Jared felt the bile rising in his throat along with the blind panic. Misha was watching him closely, worry on his face and as the man reached for him, Jared started stuttering excuses and ran. He headed up the stairs and into Jeff’s apartment. He felt safe here. He would get a drink, check on Jeff and go back. He had to get a grip. He had not wanted to relive that particular night ever again but it was the first place his mind went when someone started flirting with him. It was a lesson he learned well. He would get attention with or without his active participation, and he would get punished for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Graphic rape scene in itallics  
> Use of sex toys  
> Threat of castration  
> Forced orgasm  
> Denigration of gender  
> Threats of forced feminisation


	14. Chapter 13

No one noticed the shadow in the doorway. Sophia was pouring coffee at the other end of the diner and Jared was deep in conversation with some guy Jensen did not know. No one from Washford, that was for sure – Jensen had grown up in this town, he knew everyone. He watched as Jared became more and more agitated but the guy did not seem to take the hint. He just kept pushing, smiling that sleazy smile of his regardless of what Jared wanted.

Jensen felt a stab of jealousy jolt through him even though he knew he did not have the right any more. Even if they had not been apart for ten years, the fact that Jared had been actively avoiding him since the cemetery would have been enough. Jensen was no longer welcome in Jared’s life but he sure as hell was not going to let _anyone_ upset him. A few moments later the guy was reaching for Jared, trying to touch him. Anger flared in Jensen’s chest and he forced down the possessive growl that threatened to escape.

Jared ran like a frightened rabbit when the guy reached for his hand. Jensen felt a brief surge of satisfaction.  He might not be allowed to touch but at least this piece of shit did not either. Jensen still did not trust himself around Jared which was why he had allowed the distance Jared insisted on keeping between them. Any other reasons would not have been enough.

“What the fuck did you do?” Jensen bit out the moment the door had slammed shut behind Jared. He advanced on the guy with pure menace radiating from him. To his credit the man took Jensen’s aggression in his stride, concern coating his features as he turned.

“I honestly don’t know,” the guy replied, all trace of a smile gone, confusion and intrigue taking its place.

“Did you say something to him? Do something?” Jensen barked, ignoring the curious stares they were getting from the rest of the customers. “If you touched him I’ll kill you.”

The guy’s eyes widened in shock, disbelief shining from his eyes. Jensen had never meant anything more in his life. “Hey, man, I didn’t do anything,” the guy said holding up his hands to try and placate him but Jensen was in no mood to listen to the protestations of some stranger who tried to hit on _his_ Jared.

“Don’t fucking lie to me,” Jensen hissed as he grabbed the collar of the guy’s jacket and pulled him off the stool.

“Jensen, stop!” Sophia cried as she ran over to them and tried to pull Jensen off. She was scared and confused, just like everyone else. There were very few people who had seen Jensen truly angry and Sophia had no idea what to do. “Let Misha go, he was just _talking_ to Jared. He was thinking about moving here, wanted to find out more about Washford. They were _talking_.”

“Then why the hell would Jared run out of here like that? This piece of shit did something and I’m gonna make sure he can _never_ do it again,” Jensen hissed, pushing his face further into Misha’s personal space. He could distantly feel Sophia pulling at him but it was like the buzz of an annoying fly. It meant nothing right now.

Misha gently covered Jensen’s forearms with his hands. He exuded a calm capability that had a strength all its own. It pierced Jensen’s rage enough to let him hear and understand the words coming from Misha’s mouth.

“I don’t know why he freaked. One second he was ignoring my attempts at small talk and the next he was running. But ask yourself this, why are you still here? Don’t you think your time would be better spent making sure your boy’s okay?”

Jensen stared at him for a long moment, his grip tightening enough to turn the knuckles white. With a low growl he pushed Misha away from him, disgust etched on his face but whether it was for Misha or himself he was not sure. He ran a shaking hand over his face and headed for the door. He had to get to Jared.

The moment Jensen opened the door into Jeff’s apartment, Jared raised his head. He was sitting on the floor, legs hugged to his chest and his back flush against the wall. The sight of Jared hit him like a kick to the chest and he stopped where he was, afraid to come closer but unable to leave.

“I could hear you from up here,” Jared said softly, his voice hoarse. Jensen could see apprehension in Jared’s eyes but his temper was still riding too high for him to do anything about it. “We got any customers left?”

“I think they enjoyed the show.  Though _Misha,”_ Jensen stressed the name mockingly, “probably won’t make another appearance.”

“It’s not his fault. I was being stupid, Jen. I freaked out. He didn’t do anything.” There was such self-derision in Jared’s voice, it stopped Jensen short, another layer of anger slipping away. He did not know how to respond. “Beth and Annie are checking on Jeff. I don’t think they heard anything,” Jared said almost to himself. “They wouldn’t like it. Sometimes they treat _me_ like the child. It shouldn’t be that way.”

“Jay,” said Jensen as he crouched in front of Jared, stopping short of carding his fingers through Jared’s soft brown hair with difficulty. “What happened?  You looked so scared.”

“Sometimes I find it hard to be around people. It’s why I normally stay in the kitchen. I know it’s hard for you to understand but,” he paused before forcing himself to go on, “I’m not the same guy you knew. I keep trying to tell you.”

“But you never tell me why. I keep thinking I did this. It’s my fault. If I had just kept my hands to myself like I was supposed to, none of this would have happened. You’d be teaching in a good school with your friends and family around you. Maybe even have a family of your own.”

“Jensen, no!” Jared said firmly, enveloping Jensen’s hands in his own. “Don’t blame yourself for this. You were the one bright shining point in my life. I was the one that failed you and now I’m reaping the rewards.” The bitterness in the last words was too much. Jensen wrapped his arms around Jared, pulling him closer. There was none of the desperation from the day at the cemetery but they clung to each other, letting the familiar comfort sink into them.

“I’m still here, Jay,” whispered Jensen into Jared’s ear and he felt the shiver that ran through the younger man’s body. “No one can take you away from me. I still love you, Jared. I never stopped,” whispered Jensen fervently. “I understand if you don’t want me near you after what I did, but I need you to know. I love you.”

Jared pulled back and searched Jensen’s face. “What do you mean ‘what you did’?”

“I couldn’t stop. You were there. Finally, you were right there and I couldn’t stop. You must have been in so much pain,” Jensen said frantically as he pulled away, running a hand through his hair and tugging at it compulsively, the anxiety and self-disgust twisting his face.

“Jen, what are you talking about? Is this about the sex?” Jared asked in confusion. Why was Jensen so upset? What had he done? All Jared could think about was finding a way to fix it.

“Sex?” Jensen cried incredulously. “I practically _raped_ you, Jared and you’re treating it like it was nothing.

“Jen, no-“

“Stop, Jared!” said Jensen as he tried to pull away fully from Jared’s arms. “I know what I did. I drove home with your _blood_ drying on my _dick_! You want me believe you wanted that?” Tears were choking Jensen but he fought them back. He had no right to tears.

“You don’t understand-.”

“No, I don’t!” Jensen shouted as he finally fought free of Jared’s arms and paced around the room. He stopped and took a deep breath. Anger would not get him the answers he craved. “Is this about what happened to you before? Why you were in the hospital?”

“What do you know about that?” Jared asked sharply, hugging his arms around himself once more.

“Nothing,” Jensen bit out exasperatedly. “No one will tell me anything and it’s getting a little tired. I’m doing my best here, but I’m wandering in the dark waiting to trip a landmine. You told me to leave you alone and I tried but every time I see you hurting it’s like it’s happening to me but there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“I tried to tell you. I tried to stop it but you’re here and you’re real and I’m not supposed to have this. Not after-“ Jared shuddered to a halt, the words he wanted to keep buried hovering on his tongue.

Jensen knelt in front of Jared once more and grasped his cold hands lightly. He waited until Jared looked up at him, needing to read the truth in his eyes. “Did someone-, were you-, were you attacked?” Jensen asked haltingly. It was not the question he wanted to ask but the words did not come easily. He watched as Jared nodded and tried to hide his face with long strands of hair. Jensen gently tucked them back behind Jared’s ear and tried to ignore the flinch he gave. “Did someone rape you?” he asked softly, this fingers still stroking Jared’s hair soothingly. Tears spilled down Jared’s face as he shook his head.

“It was my fault. Can’t be trusted. Keep fucking up. It’s all my fault,” Jared mumbled, his voice barely audible.

“You think you deserve to be treated like that? You think you deserve to end up half dead in some hospital? What the fuck, Jared?” said Jensen incredulously as he reeled back, his eyes widening in horror. “Was, was that a _punishment_ to you? Was I? What _exactly_ did you need from me that day?”

“I-I, I can’t-“ Jared stuttered. He was completely unprepared for Jensen’s anger, no matter that he knew he deserved it and so much more. Jensen wanted something that was completely beyond him to give.

“No, Jared, fuck you! You weren’t just punishing yourself when we had sex, you were punishing _me!_  You turned me into whoever it was put you in the hospital!” Jensen cried out, tears choking him but refusing to let them fall. He ignored the way the colour drained from Jared’s face and his breath became shallow and fast. He was too deep in his own turmoil to deal with more than the horror of what he had done. “You made me hurt you,” he whispered, betrayal bitter on his tongue.  “I won’t be the knife that cuts you open just so you can feel. Don’t make me do that to you. I won’t be used like that. Not by you. Not by you.” Jensen finished weakly. All he wanted was to curl up on the ground and pretend it had never happened. For years he had imagined what it would be like to have Jared walk back into his life. Never once had it been this. Never once had Jensen wanted to stop existing because reality was just too much.  No matter how painful, he cherished the memories they had made together until the memories became more precious than anything else in his life ever could be.  Jared had taken everything they had shared, the life they had almost made together and ground it into dust.

“It’s not like you even got off on it.” Jensen continued softly, the fight suddenly leaving him. “You’re not some kinda _painslut_ , Jared. I know you; sex was a joy for you. Did they fuck you up that badly?”

“Why can’t you just let it go?” Jared asked, frustration and anger bleeding into his voice. “It’s none of your business anymore.”

“You made it my business the day you begged me to fuck you like that!” Jensen retorted.

Jared stared at him silently through harrowed eyes and searched for the right words. There were no right words for this though. There were only half truths and ugly truths and Jared wanted nothing more than to protect Jensen from that. “You just keep pushing, Jen, but I can’t. Not yet.”

“I’d give you all the time in the world, Jay, but you’re the one that keeps pushing me away.” Jensen sighed and pulled Jared close again. “I can’t, I can’t do it again. Losing Alice. And then you just left. I couldn’t find you.” Jensen broke off. He remembered his frantic search like it was yesterday. 

After Jared had left the hospital they had taken Jared back to San Antonio and his family home. Jensen had picked up some temporary work at a local garage and one day he had come home and found Jared gone. A duffel full of clothes missing but everything else still there, the picture of them grinning at each other with Jensen’s hands resting gently on Jared’s barely showing bulge seemed to mock him. Jensen had called everyone. He had been so afraid Jared would do something stupid.

They had been growing distant for a while and Jared barely spoke. The tension was growing day by day and Jared refused to share a room with him once he had been released from hospital. Jensen had trouble remembering the last time they had touched before Jared had left. He had called everyone he could think of and scoured all the places Jared would go and a dozen of the least likely places.

Eventually, he had ended up calling Chris and begging him to come. He had stayed for a month, sleeping on the couch, making sure Jensen ate and slept, driving him around the city and eventually convincing him to go back home. When Jared wanted to come back home, he would know to look for him in Washford. But he had never come and Jensen had never stopped hoping.

“If I could have anything in this world it would be you,” said Jared softly, interrupting the painful flow of memories. He traced his fingers lightly across Jensen’s cheek. “I would lose myself in your arms and never even look for a way out. But I don’t want you to hate me. I couldn’t bear losing you again.”

“You don’t have to,” Jensen replied earnestly. “We can get through this together. You just have to let me in.”

“I’m not sure I can. There’s so much and I don’t know,” he trailed off as he searched Jensen’s gaze for understanding.

“I want you so much I don’t ever want to let you go and it scares me. I don’t know if I’m strong enough, Jared. But I want to try. I want to try and be _us_ again.”

Jared smiled softly, disbelief still clouding the vibrant hazel of his eyes and hesitancy in his face. It was the face Jensen remembered from a thousand dreams. The weak moments he allowed himself to imagine this moment would always shine brightly with Jared’s face full of joy. This was not the dream, though, and they were both so afraid of what the future would bring. Jensen had no idea if they could make this work but Jared was here where he belonged and he would be damned if he let anything get between them ever again.

Their gazes stayed locked even as their hands roamed each other’s bodies, searching for a grip that would bring them closer together. The tension radiated from them until something snapped and Jared surged forward. He covered Jensen’s mouth with his, their lips sliding together perfectly. It was so different from the last time. He could have this. Jensen wanted it, wanted _him._  His hand slipped to the back of Jensen’s head and held him as his tongue slid into the inviting warmth of Jensen’s mouth. Jared allowed himself the time to explore this time, to erase the memory of what he had done. He relished the moans he drew from Jensen in a way he never had with Tom.

Tom had never allowed Jared to take the lead. His function was to lie back and take it, never to ask or demand, even in the beginning. Tom had petted and stroked Jared. Held him close and concerned himself only with Jared’s pleasure. Before everything had changed. Before he had lost patience with Jared’s shortcomings. But Jared did not want those thoughts to intrude on this. This was his. This was the life he should have had. All this time, it could have been Jensen if not for the grief that had blinded them for so long.

Neither of them tried to turn the kiss into something more. It was enough to feel their breath mingling and the slick slide of lips and tongue, bodies tight against each other. They were dizzy with it but neither wanted the kiss to end. Jared would have happily stayed within Jensen’s arms like this forever, but reality was too fond of interrupting the moment.

All too soon, Jensen was pulling back, his breath ragged and skin flushed. Jared chased his lips but Jensen put a hand to his chest, stalling the movement. He gazed into Jared’s eyes for long moments with such intensity Jared felt like he was seeing into his very soul. He was searching for something buried deep and long forgotten and Jared knew it had the power to tear him apart if they were not careful.

“Jay, I need-“ Jensen started but stopped short. He did not know exactly what he wanted to say or even why he had stopped kissing Jared when every fibre of his being wanted nothing else. There were things that needed to be said though; he just wished he knew what or how.

“I know, Jen. I need you too,” Jared replied as he leaned forward once more.

“No, Jay,” said Jensen more firmly as he pushed at Jared’s chest. “We can’t do this.  _I_ can’t do this.  Not right now. Last time I couldn’t control myself and you paid the price. I’m not willing to let that happen again.” Jared groaned in frustration. How long was Jensen going to blame himself for what happened? “I just, I want to take things slow. We never really did that before.”

Jared smiled ruefully. No, they had never been able to keep their hands off each other. Slow was the right plan, the sensible plan, but then, Jared had never been very good at sticking to a plan. He always got bored and improvised a speedier method to get what he wanted. This time, though, he had responsibilities. If it was hard to talk to Beth and Annabel about Tom, how could he possibly explain Jensen? He nodded at Jensen and pulled him close.

“You’re right,” he breathed into Jensen’s mouth. “And you know how much I hate to say that.”

Jensen chuckled and brushed his lips teasingly against Jared’s, revelling in the feel of skin and mingled breath. They stayed there and drank in the taste and feel of each other, soft and gentle. It was all new, all fresh and exciting in a way that spoke of love rather than raging hormones. Jensen remembered every place that would have Jared writhing beneath him and moaning in pleasure but he was content to kiss and be kissed. He stroked softly through the silky hair at Jared’s nape and the stubble rough skin on his jaw. Jared in turn rubbed circles Jensen’s lower back through the thin material of his tee shirt. The heavy weight of Jared’s hands resting on his hips, the heat of them soothed and excited.

They stayed there until Jensen’s knees began to complain in earnest and he broke away with a groan. Jared chuckled and they helped each other to stand.

“Man, we’re getting old,” Jensen complained while Jared laughed at him. “Time was we’d make out all afternoon with springs sticking into our backs and we wouldn’t care.”

“Ten years does that to a person, Jen,” said Jared with a small smile.

Jensen grinned, his eyes sparkling green and Jared wondered how he could have forgotten the how strong and alive Jensen looked, how clear and deep those eyes were when he was happy. As they stood in the morning light by the window, Jared could see the faint dusting of freckles Jensen had always mocked him for kissing at every opportunity. The sun bleached tips of his hair glowed golden until he almost looked blonde. Jared almost missed the darker hue it used to have but it would probably return in the winter. The thought of being there to see it surprised and excited him. Ever since he had fled San Antonio he had not let himself think of the future. He had only thought about how to get through the next day and the next. Staying with Jeff, working at the diner, even the house, had all been offered, never sought. He was lucky. For the first time in what felt like forever, he could tell himself he was lucky and actually mean it, feel it in his bones.

Jared pulled Jensen flush to his body, wanting as much contact as possible. He kissed Jensen sweetly, a gentle press of lips over and over interspersed with a flick of his tongue, hands resting at the small of Jensen’s back as the older man melted into his embrace. After a while Jensen pulled back and nestled his head in the crook of Jared’s neck. They sighed and stood there. Nothing more needed to be said. Not with words anyway. They were content to rest in each other’s arms and know they were safe, even if only for that moment.

“I have to go,” Jensen said huskily. “Chris is holding the fort at the garage. He’s been doing that too much recently. Gotta go pull my weight.”

“Yeah, me too,” Jared responded reluctantly, though he did not let go of Jensen. “Gotta check on Jeff and my girls. Make sure they’re not wearing him out too much.”

“Not much chance of that from what I’ve seen of them. Padalecki through and through,” Jensen chuckled but Jared could see the regret and sorrow in him.

“Jen-,” started Jared but he stopped when Jensen stroked his thumb across Jared’s lips.

“Don’t, Jay. Never be sorry for them, or me. So long as you’re happy.”

“I think I will be,” Jared said softly as he kissed Jensen one last time before letting him go.


	15. Interlude

Jared juggled clumsily with their bags while Beth and Annabel ran over to their campsite and argued over what they wanted to do first. Jeff had told him he took one weekend off every year, had ever since he had opened the diner. He closed up shop and everyone was allowed the time off, saying the town would just have to cook for itself for once. He had laughed and said business was never better on a Monday morning than after a weekend without the diner. This year Jeff had decided to go camping. The weather was perfect, not too hot but warm enough to enjoy all day outdoors and long into the evenings.

It had taken Chad all of five minutes to invite himself and Jared along for the ride and soon Beth and Annabel were dancing with glee at the prospect of camping. Their friends at school used to talk about it sometimes but Tom refused to take them. It was too dirty, too dangerous. There was no way to keep in contact with the office and nowhere to work. Not to mention it lacked the basic facility of a fluffy bed to sleep on. Tom Welling did not sleep on the ground.

By the end of the day, all of their little group had been persuaded into the trip: Jeff, Chad, Sophia, Jared and the girls, Sam and Jensen. They had rented a couple of spots for their tents at Willis Creek Park, right next to Grange Lake - Jared had never been there but it was supposed to be beautiful. He was looking forward to the quiet, though considering how popular their destination was, it was unlikely he would get that except maybe at night. 

They had packed up Jeff’s truck with the camping gear and supplies, while clothes and such were going in the cars. Jeff had spent the morning making breakfast for them all and grabbing food for them to barbeque that evening, while Sam made sure everything was stowed to her liking. The woman was a hard taskmaster when the mood took her but no one had dared complain. After breakfast they had headed for the cars, Jeff and Sam in the truck; Chad, Sophia and Jensen in the Impala and Jared and the girls in their car. The diner was locked, Alona was looking after Six Flags and they were on their way.

It had taken a few hours to get there and Jared was exhausted from the drive, trying desperately not to get separated from the convoy and lose his way. The girls, asleep in the back seat as soon as they had hit the highway, the schemes they had been cooking up forgotten as they were lulled by the comforting rumble of the engine. As soon as they had turned off road, they had jolted awake, squealed and bounced until Jared had to tell them to calm down and it was only the child locks that had prevented them from racing out of the car as soon as it had stopped.

Jensen sauntered over to him once they had all parked up and helped him get Beth and Annabel out. They had two small bags with some toys and clothes that they could carry with them during the day; the rest was packed with his own things in his large duffle.

“No running off,” Jared cautioned the girls as he handed them their bags. “You can explore the camp site while we set up the tents. Now, who needs to use the little girls’ room?” They shook their heads but Jared knew that the excitement was getting the better of them and if he did not insist, they were likely to have an accident – not something any of them wanted on the first day of their holiday. “Well, you’re going anyway. Come on, let’s find the shower block so we can tell everyone where it is.”

“You need some help?” Jensen asked as he hefted his own bag over his shoulder.

“Nah, we’re good,” Jared replied, smiling. “Just make sure all the work’s done before we get back.”

“In your dreams, Padalecki!” Jensen retorted, with a chorus of agreements from the rest of the guys.

Even with two overexcited six year olds under foot, it did not take long for their camp to be arranged. They put the tents in a loose circle with a fire-pit in the middle to cook and sit around in the cool evenings. Their pitch was five minutes from the water and ten from the closest swim beach, probably because Jeff was more interested in kayaking than swimming.

Once everything was stowed, they devoured the lunch Jeff had made for them before they left. Jared ended up scrounging half of Jensen’s food too, but he still felt hungry as hell after.

“Man,” Jensen groaned as he lay back on the grass, his empty plate sitting at Jared’s feet. “You are the best, Jeff.”

“Yeah, I know. Remember you said that once the food coma wears off,” Jeff said with a smile, reclining on one of the camp chairs they had bought with them.

“No I mean it. You so get to cook for the rest of the weekend.”

“Yeah, man,” Chad interjected. “You totally made a tactical error by making the first meal.”

“You think I’d let any of you loose on an open fire?” Jeff retorted, laughing. “I remember last time I left you in charge of a barbeque, Chad. How much of my lawn did you ruin?”

“So not my fault, Jeff. Sophia was distracting me.”

“How was I distracting you?” Sophia asked incredulously.

“Do you remember what you were wearing - that tiny little bikini with the short sarong? Have you _seen_ your legs?” Chad whined and groped for Sophia who squealed and tried to squirm away, almost ending up in Jensen’s lap.

“Hey, Chad,” said Jared, smiling. “Knock it off! Innocent ears here,” he continued, putting his hands over Annabel and Beth’s ears, at least as much of them as he could. They giggled and struggled out of Jared’s arms.

“Papa! Papa!” the girls chorused, tugging on Jared’s sleeve. “Can we go explore now? I wanna see the beach,” continued Beth.

“And I wanna find the fairies,” Annabel added. “Chad said there were fairies in the woods and if I was real good and real quiet I might find some.”

“There’s no fairies in the woods,” Beth retorted, pouting.

“Are too. You’re just jealous Chad told me and not you!”

“Am not!” Beth yelled.

Jared could see a full scale fight about to develop and prepared himself to defuse it. Chad pulled Beth into his lap and pinned her flailing arms as he hugged her.

“Hey now!” Chad chided softly as he propped his chin lightly on Beth’s shoulder. “Annabel, you know I meant for you to tell Beth. And Beth, you remember how excited you were when Jeff told you he’d take you kayaking this weekend?” Beth nodded reluctantly.

“Annie didn’t want to go,” she said defiantly.

“That’s right, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t feel left out.”

“She could have watched. Sophia and Sam are gonna,” Beth replied.

“And I was gonna tell you about the fairies we found. Promise,” chimed in Annabel, though she sounded close to tears. Jared picked her up and settled her on his knee.

“I know you two want to do everything together,” Jared said softly, holding out his hand for Beth too, “but sometimes you like to do different things. Doesn’t mean you can’t share them.” The girls nodded and looked tentatively at each other.

“I’ll tell you what,” Chad said, “I’ll take Annie round the woods and look for a likely place to find fairies while you’re kayaking with Jeff tomorrow morning, then we can all go back on Sunday and see if they show up.” Beth looked up and gave Chad a small smile, flinging her arms round his neck and kissing his cheek lightly. Then all three turned to Jared with matching pleading looks and it was all he could do not to laugh as he nodded solemnly. Sometimes it felt like Chad really was the son he had never had, but he had a talent for difficult situations when he put his mind to it, almost as good as his talent for creating them. Jared could not help but be relieved that Chad was _not_ an evil genius otherwise they would all be doomed.

“Well, now we’ve got that sorted, what are y’all gonna do this afternoon?” Jeff asked as he lazed in his fold out chair.

“What do ya mean ‘us all’, old man?” Jensen said and kicked Jeff’s boot with his own.

“This is technically my holiday.   Just let y’all tag along. I get to do whatever the heck I like. Right now I’m gonna nap and soak up the sun while I still can. You can stick around but you’d best be real quiet.”

“I picked up a couple of trail maps before we left. We could go on a walk by the lake,” suggested Jensen. Everyone agreed after a few more good natured jibes at Jeff’s laziness, glad for the chance to really stretch their legs after the long drive, and made for the nearest trail. “You know we’re gonna want dinner when we get back, right?” called Jensen over his shoulder, grinning cheekily.

“Get outta here! Ungrateful wretch,” grumbled Jeff as he sank lower into his chair. He still had a few more hours before he had to think about that and he had made Chad build the fire ready to be lit. All he needed now was Sam curled into his side, head on his shoulder and looking up ready to be kissed instead of hiking miles without him. He should not indulge in the fantasy, especially when he was about to spend a whole weekend with her, seeing the way her skin looked in firelight, the soft curve of her lips, how perfectly she would fit in his arms. He sighed. On any normal day he could see Sam and be comforted by her presence in his life. He would be happy to see her and talk to her, hold her if she let him. But sometimes, the overwhelming _need_ for her burned brightly in his veins and he could barely contain his want. And Sam in firelight, well, that was just a sure-fire way to drive him crazy. Maybe he could talk to her this weekend. He loved her more than anything and he knew she cared for him.  He just had no idea what he would do if he lost her because he could not keep his libido in check.

 

*****

They ambled leisurely along the trail, split into small groups with Beth and Annie darting here and there up the path or behind them. Jared periodically called out for them to make sure they were close and safe. They walked with him for a little while, holding hands and chattering brightly, before heading off again.

Jensen could hear them quizzing Chad about fairies and occasionally one would call out to the other over a possible sighting. Jared would look over at them with an indulgent smile and share it with Jensen. It made him feel warm and loved when Jared looked at him like that. He had missed that smile so much. He let his hand brush the back of Jared’s slightly and felt the answering squeeze of Jared’s fingers on his. It was such a small gesture, but it meant everything.

They stopped at some rocks by the edge of the lake for a while so that Beth and Annabel could dip their feet in the water and splash around a little. Chad was trying, _again_ , to convince Sophia to take him back but she shook her head at him and walked over to Sam. Jensen really did not know what was wrong with those two. Sophia obviously still liked Chad but the guy was hopeless at wooing her back. Chad just could not seem to see what it was Sophia wanted and he had tried everything under the sun but being serious and sincere. One day he would get his act together or Sophia would find someone else and Jared would have to deal with the fallout. It still amazed Jensen how well Chad and Jared got along, but at the same time, he could see how similar they were, the schemes Chad came up with were almost worthy of the teenaged Jared and if they ever joined forces, god help whoever they set their sights on.

The sun was low in the sky when they finally got back to camp and the girls were asleep, Annabel in Jared’s arms and Beth in Jensen’s. They had not meant to be so late but they had lingered at the water’s edge for longer than they realised. Jeff had the fire going and was preparing food for the wanderers. The smell made all their stomachs rumble and even the girls stirred from their deep sleep.

“C’mon Munchkin, Annie. Time to eat. You can sleep after,” Jared said as he gently shook Annabel, signalling Jensen to do the same to Beth. They grumbled lazily as they sat up and rubbed their eyes, but when they realised there was food they were on their feet and struggling to get to Jeff and the food as quickly as possible.

Jeff laughed and hugged them both. “Hey, kids! Give me some room to move, will ya. Why don’t you toast some bread?” Jeff showed them how to put the bread on the special toasting fork and hold it next to the fire so that it turned a nice golden brown rather than catch on fire. Jared did not take his eyes off them while they were so close to the fire, Jensen was not even sure he blinked until the girls were munching on their freshly toasted bread. Not long after, all of the adults had food in front of them and were wolfing it down eagerly. There was no limit to the man’s talents it seemed. 

Before they had even finished their plates, Beth’s and Annabel’s eyelids were drooping. Jared nudged them awake gently. “Come on girls. You gotta get ready for bed,” he said, grabbing their toiletries and pyjamas. Beth leaned into him as he gathered their things while Annabel rested her head against Jensen.

“I’ll help,” Jensen said, scooping up Annabel as he stood. “I don’t think either of these young ladies are going to be getting to the shower block under their own steam tonight.” Jared grinned at him across the fire and they walked off together, completely unaware of the speculative and grinning faces left behind.

Jeff looked down at Sam where she curled up beside him. “I still don’t think you’re out of the woods yet, Jeff,” she said softly so no one else could hear. “One camping trip does not mean happily ever after.” He smiled at her wistfully, remembering his earlier fantasy of this – with one or two differences – and nodded. If only her words did not apply to his own life so well.

 

*****

It did not take long for Jared and Jensen to get the girls ready for bed. They were a little more steady on their feet than rag dolls but the usual complaints about going to bed when the adults were still up and laughing and talking were stifled by yawns. Not that it was much longer before everyone else was ready to roll up in their sleeping bags after a long day of driving and exploring.

The night air was cool and the sounds of small animal and insects snuffling in the undergrowth drifted over to them. It was peaceful and beautiful and Jared was glad they had come. There was too much history in Washford for Jared to feel truly comfortable there right now. It was not that he wanted to leave; he loved the town and so many of the people in it. It was just that there were so many associations. There was too much Jensen.

Beth and Annabel were sleeping peacefully beside him in the medium sized tent the Campbells had lent them. Jared had been lying beside them, unable to sleep, for an hour. So far he had not disturbed them, but that could only last so long. He let out a soft sigh and gently extricated himself from his sleeping bag and headed outside. The breeze was cool on his skin after the warmth of the tent. He had forgotten how hot and stuffy they could get on a warm summer night. 

Jared took the opportunity to just breathe. He was free for the first time in years. Free of the crushing guilt that had eaten at him for a decade, free of fear from punishment at Tom’s or God’s hand. Maybe God had finally forgiven him. Maybe he had forgiven himself. Maybe he was letting the quiet and beauty and the good people around him fool him into thinking he could move on, have a life of his own.

In the stillness, Jared could hear the soft lapping waves of the shore. The edge of the lake was a couple of minutes down the track and it called him. He longed to see the glistening water, the trees bathed in moonlight, let the gentle rhythm take him as it seeped through his skin, let it wash away the pain and misery even if it was only for one night.

There were torches outside everyone’s tents and a spare in the truck. Jared grabbed one and glanced back to the tent where he had left Beth and Annabel sleeping. He knew they would wake Jeff or Jensen if they realised he was not there. He had told them to the moment they had arrived. If Jared was not there they had to go to Jensen or Jeff or any of the other adults they knew. They were _not_ to wander off alone under any circumstances. Jared did not want to leave them, but he needed this. He would not be long. He was incapable of letting them out of his sight for more than a few hours. A soft smile teased at his lips as he stared at the tents, imagining the people within. Jared had come to love them all so dearly in such a small space of time, and Jensen, Jensen he loved more with each passing day. It almost felt like he could actually have this, that it would work this time.

Without another glance back, Jared headed through the trees on the rough path that had been carved out of the woods. The path forked after a few hundred feet, one taking him to the closest part of the lake, the other to the swimming beach. The closer path led to a rocky section of shoreline and Jared headed for it. He wanted to sit on the boulders at the water’s edge and dangle his feet so that they skimmed the lapping waves. He could see almost the entire lake from where he sat, the nearly full moon lighting it up just for him. There was no sound but the lapping water and the lazy buzzing of insects.

The calm washed over Jared until he was almost asleep where he sat. The smile that had been teasing at the edges of his mouth grew and he sighed again, this time in contentment. He was so immersed in the scene laid out before him, he did not hear someone approach. The first indication being a shadow falling over him, but he sensed who it was. The feeling of safety and warm contentment had intensified meaning it could only be Jensen. The smile turned into a blinding grin that demanded the same in response. Jensen settled himself behind Jared, his legs draped on either side of Jared’s, his arms encircling Jared’s waist. Jensen settled his head on Jared’s shoulder and they sat there like that in comfortable silence. It was perfect. The most perfect moment Jared had ever experienced and he did not want it to end.

“You okay?” Jensen whispered in his ear, unwilling to break the silence, but needing to know why Jared was alone at the edge of the lake while everyone was sleeping.

“I think I am now,” Jared replied softly. “How did you find me?”

Jensen ducked his head and kissed Jared’s shoulder lightly. Jared could imagine the faint blush heating Jensen’s skin but he did not turn, just waited for Jensen’s reply. “I heard you go, figured you went to the bathroom, but when you didn’t come back I started to worry. I remembered how much you love the water so I headed here.”

“You remember that?”

“I remember a lot of things,” Jensen replied, snuggling his head tighter into Jared’s neck, “like how much you love it when I lick right here.” Jensen demonstrated and Jared could not restrain a low moan as he tilted his head to give Jensen better access.

Jensen’s hands roamed over Jared’s torso as he laved at the skin on his neck, slipping under the loose fabric of Jared’s tee shirt and open button down to stroke lightly over the skin there. It was perfect and right in a way he had almost forgotten. He had dreamed of this when he had first left Jensen. The pain had made it impossible to stay but he had clung onto the memories of them together, a light in the darkness. Jared pushed the unwelcome thoughts away. They had no place here. This was his time with Jensen and nothing was going to get in the way. He turned his head and pulled Jensen to his lips. It was awkward and sloppy but none of that mattered. He was kissing Jensen and that really did short circuit his brain.

Time stood still. There was no thought to the nearing dawn or of the people they had left sleeping. They were able to kiss and touch and feel soft skin under questing fingertips. Jensen’s hair was as soft as ever, the gel he usually wore was absent so Jared’s fingers slipped through without hindrance. Every touch sent electric thrills through Jared, his hips undulating without conscious direction. He could feel Jensen’s erection pressing into the crease of his ass but Jensen seemed perfectly content to gently explore Jared’s body, just like the first time they had done this.

Jared moaned into Jensen’s mouth and shifted to try and find a more comfortable position. Jensen broke away with a heated grin and they realised the moon had dipped below the tree-line. It was almost completely dark now, a few rays filtering through the trees so that they could just make out each other’s expressions.

“We should head back,” Jensen whispered as he clung to Jared, hands still stroking him under his tee shirt. “Don’t want Beth and Annie getting worried.”

“Yeah,” Jared breathed as he leaned in for a final kiss. Jensen was like a drug and Jared was a fool if he thought he had kicked the habit.

 

*****

Jared groaned as he was awakened obscenely early by Annabel pouncing on his sleeping bag. It had been later than they had guessed when he and Jensen had returned to the camp. Jared remembered how they had spent the majority of that time with a grin and managed to stop himself from tracing his lips, at the phantom feel of Jensen’s pressing there.

When he had gotten the girls washed and dressed, Jeff was already checking out his equipment. Chad was helping him with the kayak and Jensen and Sam were seeing to breakfast – they had left Sophia at the shower block as she had nothing more strenuous planned than a day lazing on the swimmers’ beach with Sam.

“So, what do our explorers want for breakfast this morning?” Jensen asked, far too upbeat for someone who had had the same amount of sleep as Jared and was usually a hell of a lot worse getting up in the morning. They agreed on scrambled eggs on toast and some fruit – the fruit added after a stern glare from their father.

Jensen glanced over at Jared a few times, taking in the beauty of the younger man and marvelling that he could still have it after everything they had been through. The small family was sitting side by side, eating the breakfast he had made them, while their friends busied themselves getting ready for a day out. As he watched he saw Annabel sneak a banana into her bag. She had already asked Jensen to pack one for her lunch and there she was taking another one. Not just that, but making sure no one else saw her do it. He frowned. What was she up to?

Just then Jared turned and smiled at him. Jensen fumbled the bag he was packing, Jared’s grin completely disarmed him every. single. time. It was the same grin a hyperactive fifteen year old had given him all those years ago. The one that had him way over his head before he even realised what was happening. Looking back, Jensen could imagine it was love at first sight, but in some ways that was far too creepy to contemplate. Jared had been so young, but he had wormed his way into Jensen’s heart from that first moment. Fourteen years had done nothing to change it. Nothing at all.

“C’mon Beth!” Jeff called out from the other side of the camp. He and Chad had the kayak on their shoulders and were toting the rest of their things in their free hand. “We’re all heading down to the launch before Chad and Annie go scouting for fairies.”

Beth and Annabel dived at the two men, leaving Jared to grab their bags with lunches and spare clothes and a dozen other things you could not do without as a parent. Jensen shook his head. Jared had been so worried that he would not be able to cope as a father when he was expecting Alice, terrified that he would get everything wrong. So far, Jared seemed to be getting everything _right_. He had two beautiful children who loved him completely. Even though something terrible had happened to Jared, he never once took it out on them, always put them above everything else. Jensen felt privileged just to witness it from a distance.

They headed down the footpath, laughing and joking despite the early morning. Jared fussed over Beth and asked Jeff a dozen questions about safety and skill and “be careful not to go too far out” and “where is the nearest emergency point”, all met with Jeff’s indulgent smile and reassuring answers. God help those girls when they started dating, Jensen thought with a mischievous smile. But then, anyone trying to date Beth or Annabel before they were thirty would have to deal with at least him, Jeff and probably Chad, as well as Sam’s own brand of charm and Jared himself. Yeah, the girls were safe for a while yet.

Even with all of Jared’s fussing, Beth was soon nestled between Jeff’s knees in the kayak. She had her hands on the paddle ready to ‘help’ Jeff as they pushed off from the launch. The kayak wobbled a little at the first push and Jensen had to pull Jared back from grabbing the side of the boat and hauling Beth out again.

“Relax, Jay,” whispered Jensen as he pulled Jared close. “Jeff’s good at this. There’s no way he would do anything that could put the girls in serious danger.”

“Serious danger?” Jared retorted, looking panicked and starting forward again. “There’s a chance of any kind of danger to my girl?”

“There always is with something like this,” Jensen replied softly, “but Jeff’s really good at this. He’s an excellent swimmer too, so even if the kayak sinks or they fall out, he’s gonna be able to bring her back, safe and sound. You think Jeff woulda taken her out if there was any real chance of her being hurt?”

Jared sagged in his arms and stared after his daughter. She was laughing and grinning broadly, her hair lifting slightly in the breeze and her head thrown back to look at Jeff. Jared waved at her when she glanced back to the shore and she waved enthusiastically back. He smiled and nodded at Jensen. “You’re right. I just, I just worry about them.”

Jensen nodded. He understood the sentiment all too well. “You wanna stay with Beth while Chad and I take Annie round the woods?”

“I-, yeah. Yeah, I think I do. It’s just, if something happened to her and I wasn’t there, y’know?” Jensen nodded, he really did know. Something had happened to Jared and he had not been there. It still ate at him. “At least with you _and_ Chad with Annie, one of you can come back for me. No one else is watching out for Beth right now.”

“Will you come with Beth when we go looking for fairies together?” Annabel asked quietly. She had been standing the other side of Jensen all this time. Jared looked at her guiltily.

“I’m sorry, Annie,” he said softly, kneeling in front of her. “I know you wanted me to come this morning, but I want to make sure your sister is okay on the water. We’ll all go together tomorrow like we planned, though. I promise. Anyway, aren’t you coming to have a swim later? Spend the afternoon in the water?”

Annabel nodded and smiled, still a little subdued, at him then Jensen. She curled her hand into Jensen’s and put her thumb in her mouth. She tugged at him to where Chad was standing next to Sophia, waving at Beth and Jeff out on the water, cutting through it with smooth strokes. In no time at all, Jensen and Chad were heading into the shady woods. Just in time really, if Jensen had spent many more minutes in the sun he would have started burning. That and the temptation of Jared in shorts would have proved too much to resist. Jared had started filling out again, the stark thinness of his frame was softer now, more rounded. But then, with Jeff’s cooking and no time to work out, it was unsurprising that Jared had not regained the lithe, muscular physic he had once had but gained a healthy softness. Jensen kind of liked it actually, reminded him a little of when Jared was pregnant, the baby bump softening the lines of his arms and torso, widening his hips and waist. Was there nothing about Jared that Jensen did not miss? It was frustrating, but it was a frustration Jensen was happy to endure. Especially now he got to kiss Jared again.

 

*****

The day had been a rousing success. Jeff and Beth had paddled halfway around the lake, though being careful to keep where Jared could see them. Beth had even been in charge of the rowing for a little while, sending them in tiny circles because she was stronger in one arm than the other. Also, not getting too far without Jeff’s help as the kayak was too heavy for her. There were a few other people in the lake. One or two fishermen and other pleasure boaters, but they tended to keep a wide berth, leaving each other to enjoy a day on the lake in peace.

When they saw Chad, Jensen and Annabel emerge next to Jared, Jeff realised it was time to go in, much to Beth’s disappointment. The thought of lunch was enough to chase off the disappointment though, and she ran over to Annabel as soon as she was free of her life jacket and helmet. They were immediately engrossed in plans for the next day, comparing notes and whispering secrets while the adults looked on in indulgent amusement. Jensen took a moment to hug Jared discreetly while Chad and Jeff were tying up the kayak. Jared leaned briefly into the embrace before pushing away and following the girls towards the beach where Sam and Sophia were spread out with lunch on a blanket.

Beth and Annabel were soon telling everyone about their adventures and some of their plans for the next day, though Annabel seemed more reticent when Beth talked about searching for fairies. Jensen thought it was odd when she had been so careful and watchful on their walk. Was it possible there was some tension left from when Beth wanted to spend all her time on the lake without her sister? But that did not ring true either. Annabel had been talking animatedly about her plans with Beth. Jensen kept his eye on Annabel for the rest of the afternoon and was surprised to find her sneaking away another banana when everyone else was in the water. Maybe he should mention something to Jared.

Annabel was dragging him into the water before he could find a moment to talk to Jared and she latched herself onto his back as he started swimming. The others were splashing about noisily not far off.

“We have to get Chad to surrender,” she said in his ear and he looked up to see Chad circling in front of Sophia while Jared with Beth on his back, tried to rescue her. Sam was keeping back from the splashing, laughing while she watched them cavort in the water. As Jensen swam past her, he grinned. Jeff was sneaking up on Sam while she was distracted. He grabbed her round the waist and dropped down so they were both submerged in the cool water. She came up spluttering and slapping at Jeff who still had not let go of her. Jensen was sure if they had been alone, Sam would have grabbed him and kissed him right then and there. Really, it was time those two got over whatever damn fool reason was keeping them apart and just get on with it. 

It seemed like no time before the sun started to dip closer to the horizon and they all realised how hungry they were. Chad had been defeated by Beth, Annabel and their knights – well, Jared and Jensen felt more like trusty steeds than knights as they carried the girls on their backs while they swam around trying to dunk Chad under the water. Sophia escaped the antics relatively unscathed, her hair damp but not drenched and not panting with exertion like the rest of them.

By the time everything was stowed away and Jeff was working on dinner, Jensen was ready for a long evening sitting by the fire with Jared next to him as close as they dared – neither of them was ready to tell people about their burgeoning almost relationship. Later, later than Jared really approved of, Beth and Annabel had been sent to bed amid protestations that they were not tired, even though their eyes were drooping. The adults were relaxing around the fire, a few beers on the go and chatting lazily. Chad was sitting close to Sophia, whispering in her ear and Jensen could tell she was close to giving up the game. Maybe she had finally made Chad jump through enough hoops. Or maybe not, he thought as she pushed Chad backwards off the log they were sitting on. Sophia stomped off and Chad called out after her but it was drowned out by everyone else’s laughter. 

“What did ya say to her this time?” Jeff said once the laughter had died down.

Chad looked devastated. “We were talking. Just talking and I wanted to go somewhere without an audience. That’s all, I swear.”

“Just how did you tell her that?” Sam asked. “Did you ask with your usual grace and charm?”

“Probably,” Chad replied miserably. Most of the trouble he got into was caused by his mouth and not engaging his brain in time to stop the train wreck. “She’s never gonna take me back is she? I’m always gonna be the douche she used to go out with who could never grow up enough to be what she needs.”

“Hey man. It’s not that bad. Sophia knows you. She’ll calm down and realise you didn’t mean it like that,” Jeff said gently.

“Yeah. But I’ll still never be right for her,” Chad said, hanging his head.

Jared moved to Chad’s side and put an arm around him. “You might not fit on paper, but you care for her,” he said softly. “She knows that. She misses you just as much.  I don’t know what’s holding her back, but she _does_ miss you. Sometimes it just takes time to get the person you love.” Jared looked over at Jensen as he spoke, the firelight reflecting the heat in his eyes. Everything else ceased to exist for that moment, they were the only two people in the universe and Jared was looking at him like Jensen was his whole world. Nothing else mattered when he was bathed in Jared’s love and for once, there was nothing else behind it – no pain, no suffering or guilt, just them.

Jensen was dimly aware of Chad slouching to his tent, a little reassured by Jared. Sam decided to go and look for Sophia, make sure she was okay and try to talk some sense into her. They had been dancing around each other for months and everyone could see enough was enough. Sophia had to make up her mind – take Chad back or stop leading him on. Jeff was staring into the fire with his now warm beer, deep in thought. Jensen was glad of it. No one would notice if he could not take his eyes off Jared.

The girls were fast asleep when Jared checked on them but Jared did not return to the circle of the fire. “Hey Jeff,” called Jared softly. “Can you keep an eye on Beth and Annabel for me? I’m going for a walk.” Jeff grunted an acknowledgement and waved his hand. Jared grabbed a torch and took the same path as the night before, glancing at Jensen before he left. Ten minutes later, Jensen was treading the same path. He had not said anything to Jeff, who would have seen through any charade in an instant.

“Hey,” Jensen whispered as he slipped his arms around Jared, sitting behind the younger man like he had the night before.

“Hey,” Jared replied absently, obviously lost in thought. “You think we would have ever drifted apart like that? Gotten annoyed with each other and just called it quits?” he asked eventually.

“I think it took something unthinkably devastating to shake us apart and we still couldn’t stop looking for each other,” Jensen replied solemnly. “Your world ended and mine broke apart. But if that hadn’t happened?” Jensen paused, a smirk curling his lips as he kissed Jared’s neck. “You got my truck towed and we survived that, so I think we woulda been safe.”

“I did not!” Jared exclaimed and jabbed Jensen in the ribs. “It was a prank. Engineered by _your_ friends.”

“Which you had a key role in if I remember correctly,” Jensen said archly, a full grin spreading across his face.

“It was Chris’ idea. I was just the distraction.”

“And what a distraction you are,” Jensen said huskily and hummed in contentment as Jared relaxed into him. He loved feeling the weight of Jared in his arms, the smell of him teasing his senses. They sat like that for a while, content to be close. Jensen let his hands wander over Jared’s torso, concentrating on his slightly rounded belly. Jared moaned softly. He had always been sensitive there and when he had been carrying Alice, he used to love to be stroked there. Jensen missed those days so fiercely sometimes it was an almost physical pain, but he put it aside. Jared was in his arms and they were happy. In this moment, they were happy.

 

*****

Hours later Jared reluctantly unwrapped himself from Jensen’s embrace and headed back to the camp. Jensen stayed there for a while longer, soaking in the peaceful night air and the residual heat from Jared’s body. If only it could just be the two of them for a little longer. Or, if Jensen was honest with himself, forever.

As Jensen reached the camp he saw one of the flashlights bobbing through the trees. It was too low to be one of the adults, so Jensen knew it could only be Beth or Annabel. His first thought was that she needed the bathroom, but the light was flashing all over the campsite, not heading for the washing facilities, not that she would have gone on her own anyway. She would have woken Jared or Jeff, surely.

As he neared he could see it was Annabel. She was carrying the bundle of bananas she had hoarded all day and was carefully placing them in trees and bushes, wherever she could reach, all around the perimeter of their campsite. Jensen watched her for a few minutes before coming up the path into view. Annie squealed and dropped both torch and banana as she whirled round to see Jensen standing there.

“What’s going on, Annabel?” asked Jensen softly, careful to keep his tone neutral. Annabel stuck her thumb in her mouth and mumbled something around it. “I can’t understand you, honey. Just tell me what you’re doing out of bed. It’s okay.”

“I thought the fairies might be scared,” she said softly, her eyes wide and luminous in the dying embers of the fire. “We didn’t see _any_ today and we’re so big. Like giants. And we stomp so big and loud and expect them to be there. What if they’re afraid of us?” Annabel asked earnestly, like it would be the worst thing that ever happened.

“You could be right, Annie,” Jensen replied thoughtfully. “It’s kinda rude to just turn up without an invitation.” Annabel nodded vigorously. “Or they could be really busy making sure everything is real pretty for everyone that visits. What do you think?”

“Um...maybe, um, I thought they might like some food or something. I got some bananas ‘cause they’re nice and I can peel them without a knife. Papa says I can’t use a knife unless he’s right there helping me and fairies have got to like bananas but I bet they don’t get to eat ‘em much so I’ve been leaving ‘em all over,” she said all in a rush. Jensen suppressed a chuckle and smiled at her.

“You know I think you’re right,” he said softly. “I don’t think they’ll be scared or offended any more if you give them such a thoughtful gift. But you know, if you wanted the bananas you only had to ask. You shouldn’t take things without asking, Annabel.” Annabel nodded and hung her head but Jensen tucked a finger under her chin and gently raised it so she had to look at him. “It’s okay, I won’t say anything, but remember, you can always come to me if you want something. Okay?” She nodded again and gave a small smile. “Now, let’s finish up here and get you back to bed.”

 

*****

The next morning everyone was roused at dawn by Beth and Annabel who were raring to go and find the fairies before they had to leave. Jeff was downing coffee by the cupful as he started on breakfast. Jensen ruffled Annabel’s hair as he walked past and she beamed at him, seemingly no less awake for her late night.

“Where the heck did all the bananas go?” Jeff asked grumpily as he rifled through the cooler. Jensen smirked at Annabel and pulled a face as she giggled and tried to keep an innocent look gracing her features. Jared sat beside Jensen and he could feel the heat of the younger man’s body searing into his side. He wished they had more time here, a lifetime that they could spend kissing on the rocks where nothing could touch them.

“What was all that about?” Jared asked as he ate the fresh pancakes Jeff had made, without any bananas.

“Nothing,” Jensen replied airily and he winked at Annabel who fell into further fits of suppressed laughter, covering her mouth with both hands in an effort not to be heard.

As soon as everyone had eaten, they headed for the woods. They were glad of the shade in the heat of the day and the trees formed a green-hued tunnel for them to wander through. Chad and Annabel led the way, leading the group to the places they thought most likely to home fairies. Jensen could see the worry on Annabel’s face and he detached himself from the group when they stopped in a clearing. He ignored Jared’s strange look and snuck through the bushes as close to Annabel as possible. She was watching Chad and Beth talk excitedly with an air of dejection about her, which Jensen found heartbreaking.

“Anna-banana,” he whispered in a sing-song voice, making it as light and airy as possible. “Anna-banana.” Annabel started and searched the trees for the source of the voice. Jensen sank to his hands and knees so she could not see him through the foliage. 

_ “Thank you, little one.  _

_ There are very few as thoughtful as you. _

_ We would love to come and play, but alas we have much work today. _

_ But spend some time amongst our trees and you may have a sight to see.” _

Annabel gasped and nodded excitedly. Jensen grinned and crawled away slowly. The idea had taken shape in the early hours after talking to Annabel and, though the rhyme was fairly lame, he hoped it would be enough to convince her. He did not want to give her any clues that it was not a fairy that had been talking to her a moment ago. When he returned to Jared’s side, Annabel was still looking through the trees and talking animatedly with Beth. Chad was staring at them in bemusement as they whispered and pointed at the trees and bushes.

“What was all that about?” Jared asked, jerking his chin towards the girls. Jensen grinned at him, free and bright in a way that made Jared’s breath catch in his throat.

“I’ll fill you in later,” Jensen said. He stared into Jared’s hazel eyes and revelled in the warmth he saw there. It was the same and so different from the man he had known. They had both grown up, grown apart, but maybe now they had a chance to really make a go of things. He let his eyes roam over Jared’s face. It had filled out over the last few weeks of living and working with Jeff, no longer gaunt and haggard, but strong and golden. Jensen frowned as his gaze lingered on the grey circles under Jared’s eyes, the slight pallor under his tan. He remembered the sounds he had heard while half asleep that morning but had not been able to identify until that moment. “You doing okay?” he asked, his voice sharpening in concern.

“Yeah,” Jared replied absently.

“You sure? You don’t look so hot this morning.”

Jared shifted uncomfortably. “I think I’m coming down with something, maybe caught Jeff’s ‘flu. I didn’t want to say anything, spoil the weekend.” There was a glint in Jared’s eyes as he spoke but Jensen saw the tiredness behind it. It was great to spend the time alone with Jared, but he hated to think he had contributed to Jared’s illness. “It’s not your fault,” Jared said, reading Jensen’s mind. “I was kinda off my food before we left. It’s been coming on for a few weeks.”

“Why don’t you let me take the girls to the park for a while when we get back?” Jensen said. “It’ll give you a chance to relax.”

Jared laughed. “You spent a weekend with them and you still want to deal with them when we get back?”

“Of course,” Jensen replied. He had no doubt he would never get tired of them. There would never be a time he did not want Jared or his children in his life. Jared’s smile slipped as he realised just how serious Jensen was.

The moment was broken by a squeal of excitement. Annabel was trying to hush Beth while making almost as much noise.

“Jensen! Jensen! It worked!” Annabel called out to him. He knelt behind the girls and hugged them tight.

“Yeah,” he whispered. “It sure did, Anna-banana.”


	16. Chapter 14

The photos were strewn haphazardly over the rickety motel desk. There were so many he could not see an inch of the scarred wood underneath them. All week he had followed Jared, tracked where he went, what he was doing and with whom. It was interesting to see the way he had changed since he had disappeared from Welling’s life. He had lost some of the sharpness in his features and stopped trying to make himself disappear into the background, for the most part anyway. There had always been something off in the pictures he had seen of Jared with Welling and it was only now he started to understand what it was. Jared looked and acted like he had stepped out of a manga, some submissive housewife who only wanted to look after her husband – no personality, no _life._

The man he was looking at now, however, was gaining confidence daily. There were people he was positively garrulous around while others he would slip back into the old posture, trying to avoid being noticed. There were two that stood out among the others, two that Jared allowed closer than anyone else. From everything he had managed to pick up around the town, Jared had stayed with the older man, Jeff, before moving into the house he was living in. The other, Jensen, was an old friend of Jeff’s apparently but other than that he could not find any reason why Jared would accept him so readily. It did not change the facts though. Jensen Ackles was the only person in Washford who was allowed close to Jared, and close they were.

He picked up the photo he had taken the day before. It was dark and blurred but clear enough to show the two men kissing lazily in the doorway of Morgan’s Diner. Jared Padalecki, long term partner of Thomas Welling, businessman and future Governor for Texas, and Jensen Ackles, no-name mechanic in some backwater town, were having an affair. This was news and he could not keep it to himself for long, but if he was going to report in he wanted a lot more than a few photos to go on.

He ran his hands through his shoulder length brown hair in an effort to tame it. He knew he could easily look scruffy, especially with the strands of grey that ran through his hair and peppered his neatly groomed beard, and had often used that to his advantage.  Here, he thought, a more refined look was in order, a decent shirt and tie and a smart jacket, not too over the top. He needed people to trust him if he was going to find out anything and looking respectable nearly always made it that much easier.

A final sort through the photos allowed him to select a few of the better quality pictures and were added a sheaf of notes he had made since rolling into town. It was time to go hunting, he thought as he straightened his tie and grabbed his keys. He headed for the black sedan, baking in the summer heat and slid behind the black tinted windows.

 

*****

Jensen sat on the steps of the porch, watching Beth and Annabel run around the garden while Jared clanged around the kitchen getting them drinks. It felt so peaceful, the bushes and trees that lined the garden gave it a secluded feel that should not have been possible so close to Main Street. The girls had taken his increased presence better than Jensen had expected but he attributed that to the fact Jared refused to even touch him when they were around. Not that Jensen really wanted that either, but it would have been nice to curl into Jared’s side or put his arms around him occasionally.

Still, here he was on a Sunday afternoon, watching two beautiful children enjoy the summer sun. He fought down the pang of regret every time it reared up. It did not matter that they were not his. He was not trying to be their daddy and he knew they were not his angel and he did not want them to be.  It was enough to have Jared and share these moments with him and his daughters.  Most of the time.  Sometimes it hurt to see what had been stolen from him and that was when the guilt, the anger, the vicious jealousy, would hit him full force.  And then they would laugh, pure and sweet and innocent, and he could smile again

Beth and Annabel were chasing each other around the garden, completely absorbed in their game – something about the shade being safe and the bright sunbathed areas being molten lava that would kill them if they stepped in it. The game was made that much harder by the light breeze that kept the leaves fluttering and changing the areas of safety.

They ran and screamed and laughed as Jensen watched with a grin lighting up his face. He chuckled when Annabel was ‘killed’ as a strong gust of wind knocked her safe landing patch of shade away, rolling on the floor dying in the most melodramatic way possible. Beth’s face fell as she watched her sister landing in the sunlight. She quickly pulled a water cannon from her back and made a ‘pssssshhhhhh’ sound as she pretended to douse Annabel with water. When she was judged sufficiently wet, Beth pulled her out of the lava and back into the safety of the shade.  They collapsed under the tree and laughed breathlessly. The game was far from over and they strategised over the best way to make it back to the house. There was a large patch of sunlit lawn to traverse and they had no idea how to do it.

“Jensen! Jensen!” Beth and Annie chorused from the very edge of their safe patch.

“What’s up Anna-Banana, Miss Bethany?” Jensen called back as he walked over to them. Annabel giggled at the use of her new nickname. It was still a novelty and it made her laugh every time, remembering when the fairies had given it to her.

“No! Stop!” they cried out, waving them back. “You’re on the lava and we don’t have enough water left to save you!”

Jensen chuckled and carried on walking, unconcerned with the thunderous looks that were breaking out on the girls’ faces. He knelt in front of them at the edge of the shade and gave them a serious look. “I have something to tell you. It’s very important and not many people know. You have to keep it a secret, okay?” Beth and Anna nodded solemnly and crossed their hearts. Jensen could see that they were holding their breaths with excitement and thought it was best to tell them quick before their faces turned blue. He did not think Jared would appreciate that. “Okay. Well, years ago I was in a situation much like you are now. I was trapped in the shadows and there was lava all around me. I’d fallen asleep under a tree and the shadow had moved. I was cut off. I couldn’t go forward, I couldn’t go back.” The girls gasped and clutched at each other. “I walked all over the shadow to see if there was anything I could do, but there was nothing. Until I came across this strange creature. A lizard, glowing red and orange. It was beautiful but the colours were dimming and he was groaning and crying like he was in pain.” If it was possible Annabel’s eyes got even wider and looked wet as if she wanted to cry herself. Beth went very still and nodded seriously. “As I got closer he saw me and tried to crawl away, but I told him I wouldn’t hurt him. I told him I was worried and scared because I was trapped and he sounded so upset. He told me the lava streams had switched suddenly while he was swimming through them and he had been beached in the shadows. He was a salamander and he lives in fire. He was dying in the cold of the shade. Of course I couldn’t leave him to die. So I pulled off my jacket and wrapped it round my hands and carried him over to the lava streams. He slipped into them like a fish and sighed in relief as the lava warmed him back up.”

“What happened then?” Annabel asked.

“Did he just leave you there?” Beth added.

“No! I’d just saved his life. Salamanders have a great sense of right and wrong and he knew he couldn’t leave me there. And if things had been the other way round he would have done the same for me anyway. So, when he was feeling better, the fire was up to full power in his belly, he rose up out of the streams and breathed all over me. It was tingly and itchy and I was so warm. He told me he had given me the ability to survive the lava forevermore.”

“That’s why you can walk on it now?” Beth asked, excitedly.

“Yes, ma’am,” Jensen replied.

“We need to get back to the house but there’s no shade to get us across the lava and we don’t have enough water left to cool it,” Annabel wailed. “How can we find a salmanander like you did?”

“Well, they’re very rare things, salamanders. I was very lucky,” Jensen said sadly, shaking his head. The girls shared a disappointed look and Jensen tried to keep the smile off his face.

“Wait, Jensen!” Beth cried out excitedly. “Jensen, you could carry us back to the house! You can walk on the lava.”

“Now how about that?” Jensen said in mock surprise. “I guess I could! Well, why don’t I go on back to the house and you can call me when you want to come back. Okay?”

The girls nodded and carried on their game, jumping from one patch of shade to another with renewed vigour. Each new shadow was treated to a thorough search and Jensen would bet everything he had he knew what for. He settled himself back on the steps of the porch just as he heard glasses tinkling from within the house.

“What was all that about?” Jared asked as he joined Jensen on the porch. He sat close enough that Jensen could feel the heat of his skin through their shirts. A few millimetres closer and their bodies would be flush with each other. Jensen could feel the rush of the automatic response of his body at the proximity of his old lover. The feel and smell of him was comforting and arousing in equal measure and it made Jensen’s mind fog.

“Um,” Jensen started huskily and cleared his throat, concentrating on the children gesturing wildly in front of him. “They have to make it back to the house without leaving the shade. Annie almost died already but Beth covered her with water to save her, best I can make out. I told them I was blessed by a salamander so I could walk on the lava and not get burned. I promised to carry them back to the house when you had lunch ready.”

“That explains why they didn’t get upset over you not obeying the rules of the game. Normally they don’t let anyone get away with that!” Jared laughed but paused suddenly. “Wait, covered her with water?” Jared asked, confused.  “She’s bone dry.”

“And?” Jensen asked as if the answer was obvious. “It’s a game, Jared. Just ‘cause there’s no water doesn’t mean it’s not real,” he teased and bumped his shoulder into Jared, smiling. They stayed like that, Jensen leaning into Jared and Jared lightly caressing the small of Jensen’s back. It was a perfect moment. Jensen turned his head and looked up at Jared. “You’re taller than I remember,” he whispered.

“Not much. Hadn’t quite finished growing yet,” Jared replied softly.

“You used to be the one to cuddle into me, not the other way round,” Jensen said wistfully.

“I like both ways. Besides, you took care of me for so long, let me do the same.”

“Yeah,” Jensen sighed as he reached a hand around Jared’s head, fingers slipping through silken strands of hair. “Sounds good to me,” he breathed as he pulled Jared down for a kiss. There was a slight hesitation, a stiffening in Jared’s body before he melted into the kiss. It was sweet and perfect, slow and sensuous, everything they had promised each other it would be.

They broke apart eventually and rested their foreheads together. Jared flicked a quick glance at where the girls had been playing and saw them standing in the middle of the sun drenched lawn watching him and Jensen as if their world had just ended.

 

*****

Tom stared at the pictures Mike’s PI had mailed to him. Jared was in every single one – most with Beth and Annabel, but some where he was alone or with people he did not know. A lot of them had two very familiar men in them. One Jeffrey Dean Morgan, the man who had taken Jared away from him at the hospital, the other Jensen Ackles. Fury welled in Tom’s chest as he looked at the pictures. He had never seen Jared look so happy, practically radiant, not since they had found out Jared was pregnant. After the shock had worn off he had not been able to stop smiling and he had this softness about him, like when he took the medication for his arm and the pain drifted away.

No one was allowed to make Jared look like that. Jared’s happiness should be dependent only on Tom and no one, especially some no-name hick mechanic was going to change that, even if there was some kind of history between them. It did not matter. Jared was his. Beth and Annabel were his. First he would get them back and then he would make sure Jensen Ackles would not be a problem anymore.

Tom picked up his phone and hit the speed-dial. He had made Mike give him a direct line to the investigator, though Mike had been unhappy about being left out of the loop. It took three rings before the guy answered.  Tom did not like to be kept waiting, especially by an employee.

“I’m coming to you,” he said without preamble. “I’ll be there tomorrow afternoon. Book me a room in the best hotel they have in that backwater piece of crap town.”

 _“Yes sir,”_ the guy replied calmly, apparently not put off by the sharpness in Tom’s tone or his unrepentant rudeness.

“In the meantime, I want you to find out everything you can about Jensen Ackles. I want his family history, personal life, what he likes for breakfast, his mother’s favourite perfume. Everything. I want to know every dark and humiliating secret he has. Hell, if he kidnaps children and sells them into slavery I want to know about it.”

There was a pause at the other end of the line. Just a fraction of a second before the expected _“Yes sir”_ was heard down the line, but Tom caught it. His face hardened and his grip tightened on the phone.

“Do you have a problem with that?” Tom barked down the line. “You can take it to Rosenbaum if you want but I’m the one that employs you. I’m the one paying your salary right now and if I ask you to do something you damn well do it.”

“ _Yes sir,”_ came the response, definitely clipped this time but absolutely no hesitation.  _“Whatever you need, sir. I’ll have my preliminary findings and my report on Mr Padalecki ready when you arrive.”_

“Good.” Tom hung up without another word. He had to get things ready if he was going to be in Washford by tomorrow. There were meetings to reschedule and a dozen memos and reports to go through. He picked up the last picture again. It was almost identical to the one Tom had found in Jared’s wallet that time but they were both older and Jared was taller now. Jensen seemed to tuck himself into Jared’s side rather than the other way round. It was obvious that this _Jensen_ was not what Jared needed. He only had to show Jared. He would find a way to destroy Jensen for trying to take what was rightfully his. But first he had to humiliate him, make Jared see how weak and pathetic this Ackles guy was. What other explanation was there for letting Jared slip through his fingers?

 

*****

Annabel rushed at Jared, their game forgotten in the heat of her anger. Beth was still frozen, staring at them with wide eyes that barely contained her tears. Annabel flung herself between Jared and Jensen, pushing at Jensen’s hands to get him away from her father. Jared stared at her in confusion and worry and momentarily glanced an apology to Jensen before concentrating solely on his daughter.

“Annie, wh-?” Jared started but was interrupted.

“You’re not my daddy!” she screamed at Jensen, pushing him farther away and keeping her body between Jensen and Jared. “You’re not my daddy! You’re not supposed to do that! Only daddy can kiss papa!”

Jared stroked down her back and whispered soothingly into her ear but it did no good. She was beyond comforting right now and Jensen was catching the brunt of her agitation. She leaned back against her father and pushed at Jensen with her feet, forcing him further away and completely lost for what to do. Jared pulled at Annabel and turned her in his arms until she clung tightly to him.

“I know daddy was mean, Papa, but I’m sure he’s real sorry. What if he comes back and finds out you don’t love him anymore? Like with Harley and Sadie? He’ll be mad like before. He just wants you to be good and he wouldn’t have to do it anymore. How many times does he have to tell you?” Annabel pleaded into Jared’s chest.

Jensen watched the exchange with increasing unease. He could understand Annabel being upset that her Papa was kissing someone that wasn’t her daddy but the things she was saying made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. Beth still had not moved from her spot on the lawn but she looked every inch as upset as Annabel. Jensen wanted to go over and scoop her up in his arms, hold her tight and tell her everything would be okay, but he was not sure it would be the truth.

There was an odd silence in the garden. Jared had stopped murmuring in Annabel’s ear. It looked like he had stopped breathing altogether until suddenly he started taking fast shallow breaths that could not have been bringing any air into his system. Jensen reached out to him, wanting to offer the bare amount of comfort he could but Beth caught his outstretched hand and batted it away before climbing into her Papa’s lap.

“He’s not yours!” she cried at Jensen. “Papa, please. I wanna go home,” she wailed and started crying into Jared’s shoulder, clinging onto her father and sister.

“Daddy’s sorry. He’s always sorry. He didn’t mean to hurt you, he just got mad because you were bad. You told me sorry made things better. You said!” Annabel sobbed. “I wanna see daddy!”

“I know you do, Annie,” said Jared hoarsely. Jared had completely blocked Jensen’s presence from his mind as he concentrated on his dear, sweet, confused and frightened children and, for once, Jensen was glad of it. Everything Annabel had said was like a knife to his heart. He had figured that Jared had left the girls’ father but this was something else entirely. He had been so close and yet so far in his assumptions. Jared had been attacked - not by some random stranger, but by someone who was supposed to love him. How was that even possible?  “I know you miss him, but we’re not going back. Daddy would say sorry and things would be okay for a while, but it wouldn’t stay that way. I couldn’t stand it if something happened to you because of me. I won’t let it.”

“But Daddy doesn’t like to share,” Beth chimed in. “What if he found out you let someone else touch you?”

Jared shivered. Hearing those phrases coming out of his children’s mouths, even if they did not fully know what it meant, made something inside him curl up and die.  He had failed all of his children in some way, failed to protect them and keep them safe from all the horrors of the world, but maybe there was a chance to limit the damage with Beth and Annabel.

_“I keep telling you I don’t share, Jared,” Tom hissed as he crowded Jared against the wall, his hand pulling painfully at his hair. “You just can’t keep your hands off all those other guys can you, you fucking whore.”_

_“Tom, no. I didn’t want to-,” Tom cut him off by slamming Jared’s head against the wall. His vision blurred and he felt something warm trickle down his neck._

_“I_ saw _you!” he bit out harshly. “You let them touch you and you think I’m gonna let that slide? You’re mine. No one else gets to touch what’s mine.” Tom knocked his head against the wall once more to emphasise his point and Jared felt his knees buckle. All thought of speech was gone as he fought to stay conscious. “Shoulda done this before we left. Woulda let them know you’re mine, help you remember when you find it so easy to forget.”_

_Tom pushed him roughly to the floor and knelt hard on his arms, crushing Jared’s biceps under his weight. Jared was still too stunned to fight, but even if he was coherent he was not sure he would try. It always made it that much harder when he lost and Tom never went easy on him when Jared had done something wrong, even when Jared had no idea what that could be._

_It took a while for Tom to finally get his pants open and pull his cock free. He had been drinking again so his coordination was a little off and the button fly was hard enough while sober. Jared lay there crying and waiting for the first thrust into his mouth. He kept his jaw relaxed and ready to open. The last time it had been clenched, Tom had decided to kick him unconscious before jerking off on his face. He had woken hours later with come gluing his eyes shut and had had to blindly drag himself to the bathroom to clean up before the girls woke up. It was a lesson well learned and he was glad of it as Tom’s cock pushed against his bruised lips._

_There was no gentle rocking into his mouth, no time for Jared to wet Tom’s shaft with his tongue to ease the way. The first thrust went deep into Jared’s throat. Tom did not stop. He thrust again and again, setting a punishing pace that had Jared gasping for what little air he could get and trying not to choke in the process. Soon enough Jared could feel Tom getting close. He thanked the lord he no longer believed in that it was quick tonight when Tom stilled, buried balls deep in Jared’s throat. But the expected flood of Tom’s release did not come. Instead he stayed there, buried deep and cutting off Jared’s supply of air, only the slightest of movements showing he was still craving his orgasm. He stayed there until Jared started thrashing, his entire body fighting for oxygen. As Jared’s vision started to grey and his eyes rolled back into his head, he swallowed convulsively as his body tried to expel the blockage. He dimly heard Tom’s cry and felt the white-hot flood of his come flowing into his mouth._

_Tom quickly pulled out and moved so he was no longer pinning Jared to the floor. Jared took deep shuddering breaths between the racking coughs as he choked and spluttered around Tom’s come. Tom cradled Jared’s head in his lap and stroked his hair while he waited for the younger man to calm._

_“Was going to come on you, baby. See that sweet face covered in my come, make you sleep with it drying there. Everyone would know you’re mine then. I should come on you every time you leave the house. No one would even_ think _about touching you then, even if you begged them for it. You wanna know the reason I don’t?” Tom asked, but he did not wait for a response. “Because then I’d have to explain to the twins what a whore their Papa is, needing me to do this. What a lying piece of shit that can’t get anything right. Do you want them to know that? Do you?”_

_“No,” sobbed Jared, the word barely making it out of his abused mouth. He clung to Tom who still held him close and stroked his hair softly while whispering poison in his ear._

_“You know I hate to do this to you, baby. You know how much it hurts me and I’m sorry, but you have to learn. Why won’t you try, baby? If you’d just be good everything would be okay.”_

It took a lot for Jared to fight his memories, especially the bad ones. It was so easy to sink into the pit of despair he had circled for ten years, but he had finally started to crawl back out and he would be damned if anything would send him back. He knew Jensen was beside him, looking like he wanted to throw up now he finally knew just how pathetic Jared was. He had not expected Jensen to stick around this long, considering the truth must have been apparent from the first things Annabel had said, but it looked like Jensen was frozen to the spot. It would be up to him then. Jared would have to send the love of his life away for the second time because it was better that than seeing the disgust and hate that would slowly come to dominate their relationship no matter how hard Jensen tried. Jared was poison and he would not let Jensen drink it down. He had thought, perhaps if he could hide how pathetic he really was, they could have a shot at a life together, but it was a foolish dream.

“Jay,” said Jensen softly, hesitantly as he reached out a hand to brush at Jared’s shoulder. Jared shivered at the touch and fought his desire to lean into it.

“Just go,” he said wearily.

“No, Jay,” Jensen said thickly, “don’t do this to me again. You promised. Please.”

“I didn’t want you to know. You weren’t supposed to find out.”

“You should have told me,” Jensen fought back the tears that wanted to fall. He had thought they could get through this so long as they were together, but they were not together, they never had been. Jared had been betrayed, abused, by someone who was supposed to look after him no matter what, and Jensen had done the same thing, had fed into that cycle of abuse without even realising it. The scene at the watering hole, what he had done to Jared there, flashed through his mind with sickening clarity as did his confrontation with Misha in the diner. Jensen tried to think more clearly, to see if there were other times his control had slipped and he had hurt or frightened Jared, but currently betrayal and anger and hurt surged through him, making it impossible to focus on anything other than Jared being hurt by _any_ one and not telling him.

“It doesn’t matter.”

 _“It doesn’t matter?”_ Jensen exploded. “How can you say that? After what that b-“

“Shut up, Jen,” hissed Jared pointedly. Beth and Annabel were glaring at Jensen while they clung to their father, though Annabel looked ready to launch herself at Jensen if he gave her the slightest provocation.

“Leave Papa alone!” Beth cried out. “We don’t want you!  I wanna go home.” She flung her arms back around Jared’s neck as she pleaded with him. “I wanna see Daddy.  I miss home. We’ll be good. I promise we’ll be good. We won’t tell him you let Jensen touch you. Promise.”

“You should go,” Jared sighed and picked up his daughters to carry them back into the house.

Jensen stared after them as the disappeared. How had such a wonderful morning turned into such an unmitigated disaster? He scrubbed a hand down his face and headed blindly onto the street. God _damn,_ he needed a drink.

 

*****

The bar was dim, even though it was still early afternoon. Sam was behind the bar pouring a drink for that Misha guy from the diner. Damn he _still_ wanted to hit that guy. They were chatting together just as easily as Sophia had at the diner, though there was significantly less flirting on Sam’s side – Sam only ever flirted with Jeff, not that the man had a clue. 

Jensen scowled at the back of Misha’s head as he made his way to the bar and fought the urge to rip his head off. He noticed another man sitting at a table close to where Sam and Misha were talking. He had long mid brown hair threaded with grey and a salt and pepper beard, trimmed short. His clothes were crisp and neat and, though it did not reek of wealth, they fit him like they had been tailored. He nursed a glass of scotch and sat there watching the bar intently. He looked vaguely familiar but Jensen could not place him, he was nobody and Jensen was not going to waste time thinking about some random stranger in Sam’s bar.  The sight of Misha cosying up to all of his friends was taking up all of Jensen’s concentration. 

He had tried to touch Jared. It had been enough to earn him a little rough handling at the time, but now Jensen knew why Jared had flinched and run away it made him yearn for an opportunity to give the guy what he really deserved. No one got to hurt Jared.

The things Annabel had said, Beth too. The way they had reacted to Jensen. The words had been too harsh to be spoken with a child’s innocence. Neither of them had really understood what they were saying, Jensen was sure of it. They were using often heard and half understood phrases, but there was no mistaking Jared’s reaction. Jensen’s mind had fast-forwarded through every encounter they had had since Jared had been thrust back into his life. Every time Jared had flinched away from someone’s touch, the way he danced around people and tried to disappear whenever anyone paid attention to him. Fear had lingered over Jared almost constantly, especially when someone shouted or even sent him a frustrated look. All of the signs were shining out, slowly replayed and highlighted like a sports commentary. In Jensen’s defence, Jared had rarely exhibited those behaviours with him, not to the extent he had with other people, and besides, with the amount of baggage they both had, it was hardly surprising when he did.

The biggest clues, though, were Beth and Annabel. Jared hated it when they were out of sight and only allowed it when he was within hearing distance or when Jeff or Chad, even Jensen now, were looking after them, though not for long if he could help it. Jared was fiercely protective of his girls and they of him. No one was allowed into their inner circle; he could only watch and smile and play from a distance.

It was a classic case of domestic abuse. The only explanation for the dramatic way Jared had changed. Even after Alice had died, Jared had never backed away from anyone, never been afraid of his own shadow. He had stubbornly refused to talk to anyone, but in such an in-your-face way it communicated a hell of a lot more than speech could have. Jared’s attitude these days was a far cry from that. Kenzie would be pissed he had not seen it sooner. She would insist on going over every detail, every word they had spoken, every nuance of Jared’s body language until Jensen could not stand it anymore. He could hear her now, a voice in the back of his head screaming at him in frustration; a soundtrack for the pictures playing out behind his eyes.

It would be too late to call now. It was the middle of the night in Adelaide and Kenzie would have school in the morning. Useful as it would be to talk to a shrink-in-training, Jensen was not going to rob her of her sleep and make her even more cranky than she was normally. Jensen knew part of his little sister’s decision to major in psychology was the way he and Jared had broken apart, but he had pushed her away at every turn – though, admittedly, more gently than most. It was times like these that he missed his family so much it hurt. He just wished he could stop the images of Jared cowering and crying, bruised and broken; images real and imagined again and again, worse and worse until he wanted to throw up. He wanted his momma.

_It was a couple of years after Jared left that Josh got the news. His brother had finally gotten the promotion he had been working towards from the beginning. Jensen had been so happy for him, grinning from ear to ear as Josh popped open the champagne their mom had bought when he graduated. She had done it for all of them when they started college, to be opened when they achieved the goal they set when they got the acceptance letters. Jensen had opened his with Jeff and Sam once 8-Ball’s Autos was up and running. There were smiles and laughter and a phone call to his momma, with Jeff’s truck sitting fully serviced in the garage – his first customer._

_Josh, on the other hand, got his promotion and then some. They had asked him to head up a new branch of the firm in Australia. He would be setting up the offices and organising staff, meeting contacts. Everything fell on his shoulders and Jensen had never seen his brother so excited. There was only one problem. Josh hated being away from his family. Even when he had lived in New York he still flew home once a month and every holiday. Nothing could keep him away, even if he had to drive the whole way because the airports were closed he would do it – luckily that had only happened the once._

_It was their momma that had saved the day as she had so many times before. She had actually gone behind Josh’s back to talk to his bosses about taking the family out there with him. Man, he was furious when he found out, but his CEO had been amused and impressed by how much his family cared for each other. They helped Donna expedite the paperwork, visas, passports, medical history, everything that could possibly be needed. Only the house needed to be sold after that and Donna had a buyer within a week. She had everything sewn up when she told them all and Josh swung her round and round until she threatened him with the spoon._

_Jensen had not been so happy. He had not wanted to leave and everything was conspiring against him, even his family. His momma had tried to tell him a fresh start would be good for him, would help him start to heal. He had been pining for Jared and Alice for two years, the grief of losing so many people he had loved had taken its toll on him. Every day for the first few months Jensen had spent hours at Alice’s grave and, even two years later he visited every week. No one offered to go with him anymore. They had learnt early on that Jensen wanted to be alone with his daughter._

_They had all been worried. His family, his friends, even Jeff could tell Jensen was still broken from his carefully worded letters. He knew his mother and baby sister wanted to go with Josh, but they did not want to leave him alone either. Still, he refused to go, would not entertain the thought of leaving Washford. He said it was because it was the only connection he had with Alice. Now he knew better or at least he could finally admit the truth. He could not leave Washford because Jared might come back. If Jared changed his mind and wanted to see him or Alice and he was not there. If he left, Jared would never be able to find him and that was not something he could bear._

_Donna had been on the verge of cancelling everything. Josh was trying to find a way to tell his CEO that they needed to find someone else and Kenzie was taking down the pictures of Sydney Harbour and Ayers’ Rock. When Jeff’s letter had come in the post, Jensen had almost refused to open it. He hated the fact that his friend was so far away. He was fucking everything up and there was nothing he could do about it. His mom had insisted though. She thought it might cheer him up to hear from Jeff after so long – the letter had been misdirected a couple of times as usual. Jensen had had to reread it a few times for the meaning to sink in properly. His sister had snatched the letter from his hand at Jensen’s dumbfounded look and started squealing in delight. Jeff had his discharge papers. He was coming home. There was no one the Ackles clan trusted more to keep their youngest boy on the straight and narrow than Jeffrey Dean Morgan._

_Jeff and his dad had moved next door when Jensen was four. He was an exciting and mysterious sixteen year old, but when he had seen Jensen he had smiled and waved hello. Jensen had trundled up on his tricycle and offered to help Jeff unload the truck. Josh had joined them and told Jensen to stop bothering the new neighbours but Jeff had laughed and said it was no trouble. He handed Jensen a shoebox full of comics and that was about all he carried the rest of the day. He had been entranced by the bright pictures, though he could not read much of the words then. He had practically learned to read from those comics and others that Jeff would buy him every so often._

_The three of them, Jensen, Jeff and Josh, ended up spending a lot of time together over the years. Jeff had never pushed Jensen away because he was too young or stupid like Josh tried to do a few times. They would play in both families’ yards and Jeff helped Jensen build a tree house when Donna said he was old enough. Jeff had his own friends, being older than both Jensen and Josh, but he always found time to hang out with them. Jensen liked to think he blew off the parties the other kids at school and then college invited him to, to hang out with him, but he doubted it. Jeff liked the simple things in life, a quiet evening with friends and a few beers rather than getting trashed with a lot of people he did not know and convulsing to loud music. Jensen often liked to do the same so they would sit in the yard or each other’s rooms and listen to country music in comfortable silence. They could have entire conversations without saying a word, to the point where their families just looked baffled half of the time._

_It was a strange relationship and one that did not go unnoticed by the community at large, especially when they were younger. What was a sixteen year old boy, nearly a man, doing hanging round with a boy a quarter of his age? Truth was Jensen was uncomplicated and innocent, steadfast in his loyalty and truthful to the point of rudeness – though that had always made Jeff laugh rather than want to punch him as happened with most of Jensen’s friends. As they grew older, Jeff started treating him less like a little brother and more like a real friend, but that was something Jensen only noticed in hindsight. It had never been obvious that Jeff kept a certain emotional distance when they were younger. He never really talked about himself but delighted in hearing anything and everything that Jensen would confide._

_The day Jensen came home from Junior High with his first A in Math, he ran straight round to Jeff’s. He was struck dumb with shock and fear when he found Jeff on the back porch, crying. He had never, in the seven years he had known Jeff, ever seen him cry. Not even when he had broken his leg that one time, jumping out of the tree house. Jensen had run over and hugged him, not letting him go once until long after the sun set. His momma had come out to get him for dinner at six like usual and found them like that, Jeff’s shaggy head buried in Jensen’s neck and his body convulsing even though the tears had dried up long ago. She had nodded silently when Jensen had turned round but determined eyes on her and shook his head. He heard her talking quietly to Mr Morgan and she looked pale when she came out again._

_Jensen eventually coaxed Jeff inside and they lay on Jeff’s bed, side by side, all night. Neither of them moved or talked until the sky was lightening. “Dad’s got cancer,” were the first scratchy words Jeff had uttered since Jensen had come round the night before._

_“I got an A on the Math test you helped me with,” Jensen had replied. He had not really known what cancer was, what it meant, then. His reply got a small smile and a “good goin’ kiddo.” Jensen beamed with pride and dragged his crumpled test paper out of his pocket where he had stuffed it. Over the next year, Jensen became intimately aware of what cancer could do to a person and the people they loved. Jeff had stopped looking for a place of his own to rent now he was back from college and settled in to look after his dad. Jeff took jobs wherever he could find them while still having time to take Mr Morgan to the hospital or take care of him after chemo and the one time he caught the flu and nearly died._

_Jensen practically lived with Jeff that year. He mowed the lawn, did the dishes, begged his mom to cook extra for Jeff and Mr Morgan. He sat with Mr Morgan while Jeff worked and read to him when his eyesight got too bad. Everyone knew how much Jensen cared about his friends, especially Jeff, but no one expected him to stick around and help out so much for so long. Jeff always said he was not sure if he would have gotten through if Jensen had not been there, making sure they ate and slept, keeping the house in some semblance of order, even if it was with the help of all of the Ackles._

_When Jensen came round on the first day of the summer holidays, he could not find anyone around. Jeff was usually up and getting ready for work after getting his father bathed and dressed, but the house was silent. Jensen had felt a prickle of unease but he headed up to Jeff’s room, then Mr Morgan’s when he found Jeff’s empty. Jeff was sitting in the darkened room holding his father’s hand. He heard Jensen creep in but did not turn._

_“He wanted to thank you,” Jeff whispered into the quiet room. “He wanted to wait and thank you in person, but he couldn’t hold on any more. It hurt too much.”_

_Somehow, Jensen knew that Mr Morgan was gone and that he was never coming back. Tears slid down his face but he wiped them away fiercely. He hugged Jeff hard and pulled his hand gently away from his father’s. Jeff was not crying, but staring wide eyed at the body. Jensen led him downstairs and used the phone in the kitchen to call his mother. He did not want to leave Jeff alone. Jensen spent the entire holiday with Jeff, stayed by his side the whole time, even at the funeral. No one ever questioned their friendship after that year._

_And when Jensen needed him most, Jeff was coming home. Josh and his mom and sister knew that if anyone could help their boy through his loss, it was Jeff. Within the year, Donna, Josh and Mackenzie Ackles were set up in Australia - a house on the beach, a good school for Kenzie and Josh’s career secure. Everyone was happy. Everyone but Jensen who was stuck in a town he half hated but could never leave._

Jensen dragged himself out of his meandering memories and self-pity. It was a distraction, he knew it. He did not want to think about what Jared, Beth and Annabel had revealed. He did not want to believe it could be true. Jared was strong and confident. How could he ever get into that kind of situation? Jensen just could not comprehend a world where someone as wonderful as Jared could go through so much pain and suffering. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forced blowjob  
> Choking  
> Physical abuse (again sorry)  
> Terminal illness


	17. Chapter 15

The long haired man in the corner sat silently, sipping his scotch. He seemed oblivious to everything but the drink in his hand, but he was listening intently to the conversation going on a few feet away. The bar was quiet and dark, there being only him and one other customer, a guy with black or dark brown hair – difficult to tell in the low light - with a rumpled suit and skewed tie. He was talking to the bartender, Sam something; an easy flowing conversation that took many twists and turns but he recognised the style. It was a technique he employed himself but this guy was a master at it. Subjects were touched on and left in favour of another before being led back. It was subtle the way the guy led the conversation and managed to get the stoic woman to talk in a way he had not yet been able to, impressive. Even he was having trouble telling what the guy was really after. Hell, if he was less suspicious of nature, he would doubt it was actually happening half the time.

Thing was, this guy was actually saving him a lot of time. He was supposed to be finding out about Jared and the people he was close to in town and he had a fast approaching deadline. Just listening in on them had given him a lot to work with, especially about Jensen Ackles, and he had the fleeting thought maybe he was not the only one sent. Sam was worried about Jensen so, once she had relaxed into the conversation most of her stories and confidences were about him. There was a lot of wistful talk about Jeff too, but that was of slightly less interest to him.

He had still not been able to get close to Jared and Jensen since he had come to town. They were well protected and loved so any attempts to fit himself into their lives would have been met with suspicion, if not downright hostility as the guy at the bar could attest. He had been in the parking lot of the diner, considering whether to go in, when he had seen Jensen almost flatten the guy for talking to Jared. It was better to keep a distance for now, learn what he could before employing the personal touch. But he was quickly running out of options. His deadline was tomorrow and if there was one person he did not want to piss off it was his boss.

As if the gods had been watching over him, the door of the bar opened quietly at that moment. Jensen was silhouetted in the entrance but he went unnoticed by the pair at the bar. He watched the way Jensen’s muscles became tensed when he saw who was talking to Sam. He could not see Jensen’s face, but he could feel the heat of his glare and was glad it was not aimed at him. He wondered how the guy had not noticed he was about to be engulfed by the rage emanating from Jensen. He felt the hairs on his neck prickle and he fought the instinct to run. He was not a coward but he knew when the best thing you could do was duck and cover. It felt like one of the old westerns where everyone in the saloon ducked under their tables to avoid the inevitable gunfight.

Jensen walked slowly over to the bar, keeping close to the door he had entered through. He did nothing to try and gain Samantha’s attention but waited patiently for one of them to notice him. All the while he gripped the edge of the bar until it looked like it would snap right off. He saw the moment Jensen glanced round the room, taking in the sparse clientele and lingering for a moment on him before moving back to Samantha and the focus of his anger, the guy in the rumpled suit at the bar. He swallow the rest of his scotch, glad that Jensen had not taken more notice of him. If he wanted an in later, he did not want to be associated with an unpleasant scene.

The impasse went on for a while, Jensen standing there, waiting while the others talked. His glass was empty and he could not linger for much longer without looking odd, sitting alone with an empty glass for company. He looked at the tableau spread before him and calculated the risks of drawing attention to himself. The threat of immediate danger seemed to fade with every second as Jensen just stood there. Anything could make him snap but there was little danger that it would be him that caught the brunt. It would take very little to start a potentially enlightening little drama.

He turned calmly to Samantha and gestured for a refill once he had attracted her attention, he took the opportunity to properly study the people Jensen was so intent on – something he had not been able to do before without being noticed.

Sam came over with the bottle and filled his glass. He should stop after this one really, but he had to have a reason to sit in a bar all afternoon and a coke was not going to cut it. Still, if Sam or the guy turned just a little, they would see Jensen and the decision would be irrelevant. He saw the instant she finally noticed Jensen at the other side of the bar. The pleasant, professional smile turned to a look of worry and she stopped pouring mid flow. She seemed almost scared of the thunderous look on Jensen’s face, but she quickly schooled her features and let a small but genuine smile light her face. He had to hand it to her, she was a strong woman and very canny.

“Jensen,” she said without a trace of the nervousness he had seen moments ago. “What are you doing here? Jeff said you were spending the day with Jared and the girls.”

“I was,” Jensen replied tightly, still glaring at Misha over Sam’s shoulder.

“What happened? Did you have a fight?” she asked, concern edging her words.

“No. No fight. Just Jared,” replied Jensen bitterly. The long haired man watched the exchange surreptitiously, noticing the way the guy at the bar tried to stay unnoticed – all of them knowing he was failing, especially with Jensen’s next words. “What’s _he_ doing here?” he said, gesturing at Misha.

“What most people do in a bar. He came in for a drink,” Sam replied with an arched eyebrow. It was amazing how she refused to be cowed by anyone, even if they were angry and had a physical advantage. Somehow, that would never be enough to get the best of this woman. From what he had seen of her, most of the population of the town had a healthy respect for her, if not downright fear in some cases. The look did nothing to stop Jensen this time though.

“A bit friendly for a guy drinking in the middle of the afternoon.”

“And what exactly were you looking for when you came by? Look, I can tell something happened this morning, but I’m not going to let you drown your sorrows right now,” she said so softly he had to strain his ears to hear her from the table and even then it was hard to tell if he was right. “Maybe you should try talking about things rather than repressing them all the time. Drinking’s obviously not doing enough.”

“You don’t understand, Sam,” said Jensen brokenly. He seemed on the edge of tears as he finally let his gaze leave Misha. “It’s too much. Just when I think everything’s gonna be okay, it all gets ripped away again. He keeps pushing me away and I can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep waiting for him. I can’t expect him to want me after-“ Jensen broke off and scrubbed a hand down his face. “I, he’s been through too much, Sam. I can’t risk hurting him anymore.”

Sam nodded in sympathy, confusion flitting across her face. She looked like she wanted to hug him but held herself back. Misha was still at the bar, quiet and unobtrusive but his attention had sharpened exponentially when Jensen had started to talk like that. His fingers itched at the worn and pitted surface of the bar but that was the only indication he gave of agitation. Just who in the hell was this Misha guy? And what did he want with Jensen? He should not be a player in all of this, having only just come to town, but he obviously wanted something. This was becoming so much more interesting than he had first imagined.

 

*****

Sam saw the haunted look in Jensen’s eyes when he started talking about hurting Jared. She had seen it before and it scared her as much then as it did now. She had been at ground zero when Jensen had heard Jared crash. The devastation had been more severe then, but it was still potent. She worried a little for Jared’s safety until she realised Jensen would not be here alone if Jared was lying hurt somewhere. It just would not happen. Not then, not now.

It would be so easy to give Jensen the bottle he wanted, but she had promised Jeff. Besides, she knew he was right. Jensen was not getting better as the years went on, but worse. Especially now that Jared had come back to town. Jensen’s first refuge was a bottle of whisky these days, not his last like before. He was cutting out his friends, refusing to tell anyone what was wrong with any coherency. He was bottling things up again, but this time it was worse than ever. This time, he had not gone to Jeff for quiet sympathy and a no-nonsense talk or lecture – whichever Jensen needed at the time. Jared was there. How could Jensen talk to Jeff when Jared was always there in the background?  When Jensen had told Jeff to make Jared his priority?

But Jared was not there now. Jared was at home with his daughters, left there when Jensen had no doubt stormed off. Surely Jensen knew that Jeff could look after Jared and still be there for Jensen.  And if not, Sam was damn well going to remind him.

“Please, Sam,” Jensen was saying. “Let me have a drink and just ignore me. I need to think.”

“I don’t think drinking’s gonna help with that, Jensen,” she replied softly. “Why don’t you go talk to Jeff? You can go get this all off your chest rather than letting it fester until you explode all over my bar. Though, the way you’ve been drinking recently, I could probably distil your blood and sell it back to my customers.” She had not meant to be so blunt, but it had been weighing on her for a while. Guilt that, perhaps she had been part of the problem all along. Maybe they all had, helping him stay in Washford rather than starting a new life almost anywhere else.

“It’s none of your fucking business how much I drink, Sam,” he growled in her face. She fought the urge to take a step back. It was her goddamn bar and she would not take this kind of shit from anyone.

“We’ve known each other a lot of years, Jensen, and _I know_ you know better than to speak to me like that. Now I’m gonna let that slide today, but you ever try it again and you are barred. You get me?” she asked fiercely. Jensen had the decency to look abashed but he was still a stubborn ass and she could see the anger roiling behind his eyes. “Go see Jeff,” she said again as she turned back to the bar. “I’ll call the diner; let them know you’re coming.”

Sam watched him turn away and took a deep breath. She hated seeing him that way and felt kind of bad for making Jeff deal with him, but she knew Jeff had been expecting this for a while and he was the one that had been planning for it. He wanted to be there for Jensen no matter what. She smiled softly as the phone rang in her ear. She disagreed with the stubborn jackass on a lot of things, but he always put the people he loved first. She was lucky enough to know that first hand. She was so lost in her thoughts she missed the intense looks she was receiving from her two remaining customers - Misha, the sweet guy looking to move into the area, and the long haired guy that came in a little later, John maybe?

They were focused completely on the exchange between her and Jensen and wore mirrored expressions of calculated interest at the soft look on her face now she was calling the diner. She was too intent on the husky voice talking to her down the phone, deep and gravelled, it sent shivers down her spine.

“Get off your lazy ass, Jeff,” she said with all her usual sass but not bothering to hide the smile she was wearing. “Jensen’s coming over and I think he had a fight with Jared or something.”

She chuckled when she heard Jeff’s eloquent swearing and was not at all offended when Jeff hung up on her without another word. He could just make it up to her later. Maybe he could actually pay his tab.

 

*****

Jensen slammed out of the bar before he could do anything else that he would regret once the anger had simmered down. Sam did not deserve the way he had spoken to her but he was so full of conflicting thoughts and emotions that the confusion just made him even more angry. Pure, simple anger. It was easier than dealing with the rest, easier than thinking. Thinking never helped. But he was still going to the diner. It was like he had no will of his own.

The diner was busy with the lazy Sunday afternoon lunch crowd and Jensen really did not want to be around people. Either way in would be difficult, Chad in the kitchen could often be worse than a packed out diner. Still, it was better odds than walking through the front, especially if he picked his moment. Maybe Chad would miss him altogether.

It seemed that god was on Jensen’s side today, at least for that one moment in an already fucked up day – he’d be thinking fubar if the phrase didn’t make him want to smile every time he heard it.  Jensen slipped round to the back entrance and peered through the door. Chad was fighting with the grill while Sophia flounced out front with Chad calling after her but too afraid to leave the grill. It looked seconds away from igniting. He could not have engineered a better distraction if he had six months to plan and unlimited resources. 

“Jeez you look like crap,” said Jensen as he perched on the armchair beside Jeff’s prone form. He had successfully made it past Chad and dragged himself up the familiar steps to Jeff’s apartment. It was quiet and dark and Jensen vaguely remembered Jared mentioning Jeff was under the weather. With a pang of guilt, Jensen realised he had been neglecting his best friend and the closest thing to family he had left on the continent.

“Shut up.  I’ve been kicked out of my own diner because of a sniffle,” Jeff croaked sullenly. He was half sitting in the middle of the couch with a dozen cushions propping him up. “So what can I do for you? Normally you can’t stand to be around me when I’m sick but you’re still here after a whole thirty seconds.”

“Well, you’re such a pain in the ass,” snarked Jensen half-heartedly. Jeff levelled a look at him that said more than words ever could. It was not even dulled by the watery red and puffiness of his eyes which was saying something. Jensen sighed and looked down at his hands. “You put Jared in charge of the diner?” It was not really a question but Jeff nodded.

“He’s a good kid. Knew he could handle it.  Did before”

“That’s a lot of trust for someone you barely know.”

“I think barely know is a bit of a stretch now, don’t you.  So tell me, what are you driving at, Jensen? I’m in no condition to deal with the Jensen Ackles method of sharing. Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours rather than skirting around it for the next few hours,” Jeff pleaded before a fit of coughing seized him. The glare he sent Jensen while he panted meant he was not off the hook.

“I fucked up, Jeff,” whispered Jensen and he was angry at himself for the tremble in his voice and the tears that threatened to spill. He did not want to cry any more. Ever. He had spilt enough tears for a lifetime.

“What did you do?” Jeff wheezed, still catching his breath. Jensen poured a fresh glass of water from the jug and handed it to Jeff who drank carefully.

“I kissed him. The other day I came over to see you. Jared was here. He was shaken up ‘cause some dick in the diner was hitting on him.”

“Yeah, I heard,” Jeff said dryly. “About the same time I told the girls to put some music on their headphones so I could get some sleep. I heard a hell of a lot of what you guys said.”

“Thanks,” Jensen said, nausea rising.  How many other times had they heard those kinds of conversations over the years?  It was yet another way Jensen was fucking up. “It never crossed my mind that they could hear.” Jeff nodded and gestured for Jensen to get on with it. “So you know we decided to try and give it another go. We’ve been spending a lot of time together. Just me, Jared and the girls.” Jensen took a breath. “Annie and Beth saw me kiss him. They were so upset, dragged me away from him yelling about how I wasn’t their father. They pleaded with Jared that he could still go back to their daddy and he’d forgive them. The things they were saying, Jeff. Please tell me you didn’t know.” Jensen begged quietly, unable to look at his friend.

“Jared never told me, but we talked about it some,” Jeff said wearily. “I guessed what you have. The girls would say or do things that only made sense if Jared was being abused.” Jensen felt the air lock in his lungs. Hearing it out loud was too much, made it too real and Jensen wished he had his ignorance back. “We talked around the subject for a while. I don’t think he could bring himself to say more.”

“Never thought to ask,” Jensen said quietly. “I mean, I knew there had to be someone in Jared’s life. But they are so like him. It’s so easy to pretend and ignore...” Jensen’s voice broke as he fought for control of the emotions surging through him. “It could have been us. It’s what we wanted. I shoulda known better. They don’t need me forcing my way into their lives because of a memory.

“You really think that’s what Jared’s doing? Getting caught up in the memory?”

“I don’t think I could bear to ask.” They sat in silence for a while before Jensen spoke again, his voice hoarse. “It would have been better if he’d been raped. I could understand if some guy jumped him, a random act of violence that could’ve been anyone. For someone to... _hurt_ Jared like that... to _know him_ and be able to...how is it possible? How could anyone do that when they’re supposed to love him?” Jensen did not know if he meant Jared’s lover or himself, because he could be accused of the same thing no matter what Jared tried to tell him. He had hurt the one person he loved the most, the person he had never stopped loving.

“Jensen, he’s safe. No one is gonna let that bastard get to him again,” Jeff said soothingly.

“It’s not the physical pain that does the most damage. You know that,” Jensen said as he stood. “I have to go. I have to know. The truth. I need to know what happened.”

 

*****

Shirley headed for Six Flags. She hated the place with a passion. Well, she pretty much hated everything about this backwards little town in the middle of nowhere, but the stuck up bitch who ran the bar was just the icing on the cake. If there had been anywhere else to go at three in the afternoon, she would gladly be there, but there was nothing. She had spent the entire morning lounging around the house before heading over to the garage. The jerk, Kane, had been there. No sign of Jensen and without him it so was not worth it. She did not even pretend she came here for the car, she could see the smirk on Kane’s face the moment she passed the open doors to the garage workshop.

Man, she needed a drink. Anything to keep her out of the mind numbing boredom of every day of her life. Really she needed a new challenge but she did not like to admit failure. No, that guy who turned up just when she had Jensen where she wanted him was a setback. She had seen the way Jensen had stared at her legs and breasts. She could still get him. But maybe she needed an interim project.

Sam looked up when she heard the door and Shirley saw the look of distain before the look of neutral enquiry replaced it. Shirley let a sultry smile pull at her lips as she slid her gaze over the mostly empty bar. A side project sounded like a very good idea. These guys looked like they could be bedded without effort and she really needed a good fuck right now. They were sitting close together, one at the bar and one at an adjacent table. If she was really good, maybe she could get them both.

Just then, Sam pushed her drink over, spilling some of the contents over her freshly manicured hands. Shirley glared at Sam before smiling brightly. Oh, she had a much better idea. Maybe she would just take the thing Sam wanted most. Jeff would be a challenge but she had every confidence in her ability. For now though, she wanted to have a little fun.

Shirley swayed over to the table. “You mind if I join you? No point in drinking alone when there’s company to be had,” she said with a slow smile and a dip of her lashes. “You too, handsome,” she said running a hand over the arm of the short haired guy at the bar. Both of them were handsome actually, though on closer inspection, the long haired one was a little older than she usually went for.

“Well, you make a good point...?” said the long haired guy, holding out his hand.

“Shirley,” she replied, placing her hand lightly in his. He smiled at her and she was glad she had decided to come in.

“John,” he replied. The guy at the bar turned on his seat and was watching them intently. He signalled Sam for another round and joined them at the table.

“Misha,” he said. This was going to be better than she thought.

 

*****

All the way over to the house, Jensen struggled to know what to do. Jared had told him to leave, practically slammed the door in his face. It was the same old shit and if Jensen had any sense he would be heading for the hills by now. But it had gone on too long. Jensen needed to know the truth. Hell, he deserved it. He loved Jared and seeing him so broken down ate at him, worse now that he had some idea of what had caused it. Maybe it was some kind of masochistic streak but he had to know what that bastard had done to Jared, just how broken he was.

Sure, there had been an improvement since Jared had come to town. He had fit in just like Jensen had always known he would. Part of him wanted to think that this was what Jared needed, that maybe he could erase all of the hurt and they could start again. He had thought that was what Jared wanted. They had agreed to try and it was like suddenly the sun was back in the sky after a long dark winter. But the illusion had been shattered by a thoughtless kiss and the words of a six year old child who had no comprehension of the darkness she had stumbled into, her innocence holding it at bay as she watched the shadows.

As he approached, Jensen could see a hunched figure sitting in the shade of the porch. Even with the sun shining in his eyes, he knew it was Jared. He would know that form anywhere, would know Jared was standing there with him if he were blind. These last few days with Jared, Jensen had felt like he could breathe again.

“I was trying to work up the courage to find you,” Jared said, looking up at Jensen as he approached. “Even asked Kim to look after Beth and Annie for a few hours. She knows all the tricks twins pull, warned me of a few they might try in future too.”

Jensen nodded and sat heavily beside Jared on the porch steps, not touching but within reach. Now he was here, he did not know what to say, what to ask. The burning need to _know_ seemed to have vanished at the sight of Jared so resigned. He looked defeated, like Jensen had bested him in battle and was waiting for the final blow.

“You told me to go,” Jensen said, looking out over the shadowy lawn. It would be easy for the girls to get across the yard now, no need for Jensen. “Figured you could screw that. You promised, Jay. You promised and I’m gonna hold you to it.”

“I know. ‘S why I was gonna come.” Jared fidgeted, staring at his laced fingers and rubbing them together in his lap. “It was a shock I guess. I never wanted you to see that side of me.”

“What are you talking about?” asked Jensen softly, his face a mask of confusion.

“I didn’t want you to see, Jen. I wanted it to be the way it was. But it can’t ever be.” Jensen could tell by the tension thrumming through Jared that he was a second away from running. He reached out a hand and captured Jared’s in his. Jared’s head snapped up and he stared into Jensen’s eyes. Jensen felt some of the anxiety leave the younger man’s frame and he kept his hand there, slowly stroking his thumb over the clammy skin.

“I told you I wasn’t going to leave and I meant it. Tell me what happened. I need to understand.”

Jared took a deep shuddering breath and started to talk.

“It was okay at first. Tom, he was smart and sophisticated, handsome too. I was studying for finals when we met, about to graduate.”

“You went to college?” Jensen interrupted. “I looked for you there. I stalked the dorms for about a week, just hoping to see you. Woulda been longer if James hadn’t seen me and told me you weren’t there.”

“Yeah. I applied for deferred entry, audited instead of signing up for the classes. I didn’t want to be found back then.” Jared paused, looking guilty. “James let me stay with him for a few months.”

“James?  _James_ let you stay with him?” cried Jensen incredulously. “That sneaky sonovabitch! He told me he hadn’t seen you. He told me to stop looking. I was frantic and he lied to my face.  God _damn_! I am gonna _kill_ him.”

“Don’t, Jen. I begged him. He hated every second but I had nowhere else to go. He never let up. Not once. He was always trying to get me to talk to you or a counsellor or something. But I couldn’t. I was such a mess.  I guess ten years really _doesn’t_ change a person,” Jared said ruefully, self loathing briefly lighting on his face.

“But then Tom came. He wouldn’t leave me alone until I agreed to go out with him. We had fun. I felt lighter than I had in four years, like the world wasn’t one step away from ending.” Jared talked, wrapped in his own world, completely unaware of the pain he caused. He really had moved on with his life. He had left Jensen behind in every way imaginable. “When I found out I was actually pregnant...well, I had forgotten how amazing it is to hold a life inside. My baby girls.” There was a glow about Jared when he talked about Beth and Annabel, and he rubbed his belly unconsciously, almost as if he could feel them inside still. “I was gonna do right by them. I was gonna be the best father and Tom was there with me. I was so determined to give them everything I couldn’t give Alice.

“It was so good. I moved in with Tom and we got the nursery decorated and all the stuff we needed. Tom was so happy, he went completely overboard,” Jared chuckled at the memory and Jensen could feel his teeth grinding into dust with the effort not to speak. “It was good. He was good to me. But then I got so big I couldn’t move without everything hurting. You remember that?” Jared asked, a small smile hovering on his face.

“Yeah,” Jensen managed to rasp out through his dry throat. “Had to drag you out of bed most days.”

Jared’s smile widened a fraction and he nodded. “He used to try and coax me into sex, but I just couldn’t. I was big and aching and I couldn’t even reach my dick any more, let alone feel sexy enough to use it. He just got pissier every day.” Jared paused. Jensen could tell it was getting harder for him to carry on. The weight of two sets of painful memories settling over him. “I got the cramps one morning when he was at work. I was in the bath and I felt them coming on one second and the next I’m crying in pain and the water is red with blood.

“It didn’t matter that I knew what it was, there was no one with me. I remembered what it was like when it happened the first time. Alice was getting ready to pop and I’m standing there in the kitchen with you when I start bleeding. You ran around like a headless chicken and I had no idea what was happening, but I still felt better with you not knowing than when I knew but was on my own.

“A few hours later it was all over and I didn’t have to mop the floor this time either,” Jared said slyly, glancing at Jensen.

“It’s not my fault. You were the one that was too sore to sit down for five minutes together.    You cleaned the whole house that night,” Jensen replied affectionately.

“It was the same this time. I was exhausted but I couldn’t rest. When...when Tom came back, he was feeling horny again. It’s like a permanent state with him; he never really got over the sex-all-the-time stage of pregnancy. I thought maybe he’d be okay with a blow job but he wanted to fuck.”

“You didn’t tell him?”

“Didn’t get the chance. He freaked out when he felt more than one hole down there. Groped for my dick to check it was still there. Apparently he hadn’t believed the stories about male pregnancy, didn’t think I’d actually grow a vagina so the baby could come out. He refused to touch me after that. Not even holding my hand or rubbing my belly.

“A couple of weeks after, he came into the bedroom and pressed his cock against my mouth.” Jared swallowed hard, his hand clenching Jensen’s almost painfully. “Told me he wasn’t going to suffer just because I was a freak and rammed into my mouth. Just fucked my mouth while I lay there gasping for breath. He didn’t say anything else that time.” Tears started falling from Jared’s closed eyes, his breath coming sharp and shallow.

_“If I wanted to fuck a woman I’d fuck one.  You, you’re nothing. You’re a hole to fuck. An incubator. Not a woman. Not a man any more. What are you?”_

“Stop, Jay. You’re not there. You’re safe here with me. Tom will never hurt you again. I promise,” Jensen whispered as he took Jared’s rigid form into his arms.

“Everything I did just made things worse, Jen,” sobbed Jared as he clutched at the older man. “Things would be better for a while but I’d just keep fucking up. Everything I do is wrong and hurts the people around me.” Jared looked up and stared into Jensen’s eyes, willing him to understand. “I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to mess up with you, but I will. Just like before.”

“Jay, you need to listen to me,” Jensen said earnestly, cupping Jared’s jaw to stop him looking away. “None of that was your fault. Alice was not your fault. And after, you were grieving. You were in so much pain, we both were. That drove us apart, not you, not anything you did.” Jensen waited for the words to sink in and smothered Jared’s automatic denial. He knew Jared would not agree with him, not yet, but he would just keep saying it until he believed it. “What did Tom do to you, Jay? Why did you run?”

“I don’t even remember how it started now,” Jared said hoarsely. “He came home. He was so drunk – some after work drinks or something. The girls were in bed and I kept thinking, _don’t wake up, please don’t wake up_. He, he started in on me like usual, but it was worse. He didn’t stop. He just kept hitting and kicking until I couldn’t breathe anymore,” Jared said, his breath hitching in his chest. “Then he, then, then,” Jared said haltingly.

“It’s okay, Jay. I’m here. I’m right here,” Jensen said softly. He was amazed at how calm his voice was when he spoke. The rage boiled inside him but he knew, more than anything he had known in his entire life, if he let it show now, even a little bit, Jared would clam up and Jensen would never know the truth. Tom would suffer, Jensen would make sure of it, but right now Jared was teetering on the brink and Jensen had to make sure he did not fall.

“Tom’s always horny when he gets drunk. If I know he’s gonna have a drink it’s okay, but he didn’t tell me. It hurt, Jen. More than it had for a long time, but that was okay. I can handle it. It was my own fault. I know that, I do. But he shouldn’t have-. He should never have brought them into it, Jen. They, they’re my girls. He should never have done that.”

Jensen could not breathe. Had Tom hurt Beth and Annie? Had he done something to them? How could anyone do that to their own children? Jensen fought against the rage that threatened to overwhelm him. If Tom appeared before him in that instant, Jensen would tear him apart with his bare hands. His hands gripped Jared’s so hard it would probably leave bruises but Jared did not seem to notice. He was squeezing back just as hard, lost in the painful memories.

“What did he do?” Jensen bit out.

“Told me he’d take them away. He threatened to make sure they knew exactly how pathetic I was, that he’d make sure they despised me and then I’d never see them again. I couldn’t let him do that. I tried to fight him off but he grabbed my arms and pinned me down. All I could do was lay there and listen to him telling me how I always screwed everything up, how I couldn’t get anything right.

“I screamed at him to stop, begged him, but he grabbed my head and pulled it back until I couldn’t breathe. Said he wasn’t gonna take that crap from me, that he didn’t want to have to hurt the girls just because I couldn’t behave. I think I wanted him to do it then, to keep me there until I passed out and not wake up again. It would have been so easy.”

The dead quality of Jared’s voice scared Jensen almost as much as the words. The reality of how close Jared was to breaking stared him in the face more clearly than ever before. So much of what Jared felt was kept locked down inside where no one could touch it but he let Jensen catch a tiny glimpse of it. If only he had seen it then, back when Jared was still his Jared. He might have been able to do something, reach him before the guilt and grief had overwhelmed him.

“I just kept thinking about Beth and Annie and how they would be all alone if I died. They were the only reason I didn’t lay down and die that night. I couldn’t risk him hurting them. What if he got angry and I wasn’t there to make it better?” Jared asked desperately. “I had to do it. I just ran, Jen. I ran and I didn’t stop running until I found you,” Jared whispered as he clung to Jensen, tears streaming down his face. “Please don’t leave me. Please, I’ll do whatever you want. Just don’t leave me, Jen. Please.”

“I’m not leaving, Jay,” murmured Jensen as he stroked Jared’s hair. “Nothing you could say is ever gonna make me leave you. I love you, Jared. I always have. He’ll never hurt you again, baby. I promise.” Jared flinched at the pet name and Jensen pulled back enough to look Jared in the eye, cupping Jared’s jaw with his hands. “I’m not him. I will never let anything hurt you ever again. You’re safe. You’re safe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Description of my verse's carrier biology and Tom dealing very badly with it, using it as more ways to abuse Jared  
> More descriptions of physical, sexual and mental abuse including why Jared ran from Tom.  
> Jensen realising he may have fed into the cycle of abuse  
> More nascent alcoholism


	18. Chapter 16

It was pitch black.  There was nothing all around him but the echoing of his own footsteps.  A vast emptiness that stretched into eternity and nothing to light his way.  It was cold too, but he could not feel it.  A dark foreboding filled the air and he felt his heart beat in his chest, a steady rhythm that acted as a counterpoint to his steps and shallow breathing.

The first flicker of light in the distance was blinding after the constant darkness.  It burned his retinas so that the afterimages remained even after the light had vanished.  The flicker came again, then again.  He started towards it, using it as a beacon.  It called to him but the darkness slowed him even as he wanted to race to the increased rhythm of his heartbeats.

The glow became stronger as he neared but it still struggled to prevail against the darkness, struggled to light the dark.  As he neared the source, he was stopped by a giant glass dome, like a bell jar.  Inside there was thick black smoke, thick enough to be a solid mass, roiling through the air.  It was that smoke which obscured the light at the centre.

The smoke parted for a moment and finally he could see.  Within the glass, the source of the light that had guided him was Jared.  He huddled in the centre of the jar, curled around another object.  The smoke tore at him, whipped and beat him, but still he did not let go of the thing he was protecting.  There was blood and pain and fear floating in the air to join the smoke, making it denser and fuelling the vicious attacks.

Jensen pounded on the glass but the muted thuds were swallowed by the smoke that raged within.  Jared did not even look up at him as he struggled to remain where he was, protecting his burden.  He circled the jar, looking for a crack or a chink in its perfect shell, screaming and pounding on the glass, pleading for Jared to look, to see him, to know he was not alone.

Finally he was facing Jared, still crying out for the man he loved to hear him, but he was silenced by the thick glass.  A moment later, the smoke pushed Jared harder than before and his grasp on the thing he was clutching slipped slightly.  There was another jar within, smaller and with a glow all of its own.  Beth and Annabel lay curled up and asleep, oblivious to the war raging outside of their sanctuary.  Jared was fighting with all he had to keep the poisonous smoke away from them, using himself as a buffer.

Jensen placed his hand on the glass, his palm pressed flat against it as he ached to protect them all.  At that moment, Jared finally looked up and saw Jensen standing there.  The light turned dazzling and the smoke receded, hovering at the edges of the glass and radiating malicious intent.  Jared walked unsteadily to the glass and pressed his own hand against Jensen’s.  He smiled, small but sure and a little sad.

“Let me in,” Jensen whispered.  Jared’s smile deepened briefly but he shook his head sadly.

It was then Jensen noticed the door.  It was worked into the contours of the jar but it was there.  Jensen reached for the handle but Jared stilled it.  He turned the key in the lock and held it against his heart.

“I live here.  There’s nothing you can do.  I know what I will let out if I open the door.  I might be safe, my daughters would be safe, but you are the one that will suffer for my sins,” Jared said softly but the words travelled to Jensen as clear as if they had been spoken into his ear.

“It doesn’t have to be that way.  I’ll protect you,” Jensen cried.

Jared pressed his hand to his heart and gazed into Jensen’s eyes for a long moment before walking back into the darkness.  The smoke swarmed, once more taking up its attack.  Jensen could feel its satisfaction.  There was nothing so sweet as a willing victim.

 

*****

Jensen woke with a start.  Sweat was drying rapidly on his skin and his head felt like it was about to explode.  There were tears streaking down his face and he could not still the wracking tremors that jarred his body.  The nightmare clung to him as he levered himself off the couch so he could grab the trashcan next to the desk.  The last time Jensen had woken hung over in his office, Jared had been there and made sure Jensen had everything he needed to cope with the after-effects of getting blind drunk.  This time, though, he had left Jared looking after Beth and Annabel.

He remembered every word of what Jared had told him of life with Tom.  Every image that had been conjured flickered behind his eyelids as though he had witnessed it himself.  The nightmare was hardly surprising but the thought of it still made his stomach turn and he knew it was not just the effects of the alcohol in his system.

They had talked late into the evening.  Hours passed unnoticed and it was only when they saw Kim returning with the children that they realised how long they had sat outside Jared’s home.  Once Jared started talking it was almost impossible to get him to stop.  In happier days it had been easy - a well placed kiss usually did the trick - and Jensen had actually complained about the use of Jared’s mouth for anything but kissing on more than one occasion, though he really found it incredibly endearing to hear Jared talk.  Now, ten years of pain and sadness spilled from Jared’s lips, haltingly at first, but then faster and harder until Jensen thought he would drown.  The only thing that kept him there was Jared’s hand, held tightly in his own, grounding him and reminding him how important it was to finally understand what had kept them apart for so long.

 

*****

Jared slowly collected himself as he lay in Jensen’s arms, their hands still clasped tight.  As they had talked they had become more entwined with each other and it was that contact Jared drew strength from as he fought to voice everything he had been through.  With every word, Jensen’s acceptance was a balm to his soul.  Jared’s breathing eased, but another fear mounted despite Jared’s attempts to control it.

“Don’t,” Jensen whispered.  He still seemed to read Jared better than anyone.  “It’s okay, Jared.  You can talk to me.  I meant it; I’m not going anywhere.”

“But I might,” Jared replied.  “Nothing I’ve ever said to you has been a lie, Jen.”  Jared pulled himself up and gazed into Jensen’s eyes, bright green with restrained emotion.

“Nothing could be worse than losing you again.  I barely survived the last time.”

Jared held onto Jensen even tighter.  The pain in Jensen’s voice was more heartbreaking than anything he had been through.  He had failed all of the people he loved but somehow, Jensen was still willing to forgive him.  It was humbling.

They sat like that until the sun set on them, drinking in each other’s presence and steadfastly ignoring the harsh realities of life while they could.  The sound of Kim’s SUV rumbling up to the gate disrupted the spell and panic flooded Jared.  Beth and Annabel were back.  He had tried to talk to them, explain something of what they had seen, what Jensen really meant to them.  He was not sure how much they understood and they were still angry and upset but they knew how much Jared loved them, that he would never do anything to hurt them.  He would never stop loving them or ever leave them behind while there was breath left in his body.  But if they saw Jensen again, Jared did not know what they would do.

“I’ll go.  You can call me tomorrow,” Jensen said quietly and started to ease himself away from Jared.  The younger man’s relief was palpable but he held on when Jensen stood.

“Wait,” he said urgently.  “Don’t go.  Not yet.  Go round the side and wait for me,” he pleaded.  “I’ll come out after they’ve gone to bed.  I, I don’t want you to leave.”

“I won’t,” Jensen replied softly. Jared sounded like a scared child and Jensen only wanted to hold him and comfort him.  He kissed Jared lightly on the forehead.  “I’ll never leave you.  But you have to think about them too.”

“I am.  I just need time.  They can’t see us like this, not yet.  But I, I need you with me right now.  Please wait for me.”

Jensen gave him a crooked smile.  “Always.”

 

*****

“Hello,” called a strange voice from the door.  “Jensen Ackles?”

“Yeah,” Jensen croaked, eying the long haired guy like he was the devil.  Damn morning people and their loud voices.

“Thank god!” the guy exclaimed.  “My car is refusing to start and I heard you were the man to see.”

Jensen groaned and levered himself off the couch.  The sun was barely off the horizon and he had only been home for a few hours, most of which were spent drinking.  “Look man, I’m sorry.  I’m not exactly in a fit state right now.  Chris will be in later.  He’s the man to see today.”

“I’d like nothing more than to leave you in peace but I’m on a deadline and I really need to have my car up and running,” the guy said with a rueful smile.

There was no dealing with people like this.  They never had any real sympathy for people in pain.  If they did, they would leave Jensen to his suffering in peace.  Still, maybe this was what he needed to take his mind off Jared and all the thoughts stampeding through his mind.  He always felt better under the hood of a car, solving a physical problem.

“Fine,” Jensen grunted.  “”Bring it in and I’ll take a look.  I can’t promise anything though.”

“Thanks,” the guy said with a sigh of relief.  “My boss will have my head if I’m late.”

Jensen nodded and headed for the water cooler.  He needed to erase the stale taste of alcohol from his mouth.  That and it helped to have something other than whiskey flowing through his veins.  He did not want to get crushed by some guy’s SUV because he was too hammered to make sure he was working the machinery right.

 

*****

 _“I’ll fucking kill you, Jared!  You let another man so much as_ touch _you, I’ll kill you.  You’re mine!”_

_“No, Tom, please.”_

_“Shut the fuck up!”_

_SMACK_

 

*****

Jensen could see the scene unfold in front of his eyes.  He had seen enough pictures of Tom Welling to put a name to the face, but he had never really paid attention.  He may have spared Jared years of torment if he had just looked at a picture, listened to the speeches, but he was too busy hiding from the world.

Now the images flashed through his mind unbidden.  He saw Tom pushing Jared to the ground straddling him and punching the life out of him.  Jared pleading and fearful, his voice pitched low and panicked.  He begged but quiet enough that the neighbours would not hear, quiet enough so the girls would never find out.

But those were not the only images that haunted Jensen.  Jared had not held back anything about his life with Tom.  Just like Jensen had asked.  Nothing.

 

*****

_“Hey, baby,” Tom whispered in Jared’s ear.  They lay curled up together in the giant bed.  The white sheets emphasised the golden skin making them almost luminous in the early morning light.  There were bright white bandages around Jared’s abdomen, holding his ribs tight.  There were three broken this time and it hurt every time he took a breath.  It meant doing anything more than going to the bathroom was enough to make him dizzy._

_“I’m sorry, Tom.  I can’t,” Jared started, his breathing becoming shallow as his agitation grew.  “The doctor-,”_

_“I know, baby.  It’s okay,” Tom soothed, stroking Jared’s hair and treating him like he was the most precious thing on earth.  “I got Margaret to come in for a few hours.  She’ll make sure everything’s kept the way I like it until you’re back on your feet.”  Jared leaned into the touch in relief.  He had had no idea how to keep the apartment the way Tom expected when he could barely move.  “The twins will be on their best behaviour too.  I asked Margaret to keep an eye on them when she’s here and they have other things to keep them quiet and entertained.”_

_Jared stiffened slightly.  Tom did not realise how much time and effort it took to keep Annabel and Bethany amused without making too much of a mess or being noisy like they wanted to when their daddy was home.  Putting a dvd in the player would keep them occupied for only so long, but Jared could make it work.  He managed with similar injuries.  It was not him that was important._

_“You need to rest, Jared.  All you need to worry about is getting better,” Tom said and Jared smiled up at him.  Tom would take care of everything._

 

*****

The wrench slipped as Jensen tried to loosen the bolt.  He had hoped that working on the damned car would help him stop picturing Jared’s life with Tom.  He had hoped it would bring the sense of calm he had relied on almost his whole adult life.  Instead he was lost inside his head, being watched by a customer at the ass crack of morning and getting fucking _nowhere._

The car was stubbornly refusing to tell him what was wrong with it.  There was no reason it should not start, but it refused to even splutter whenever he asked the guy to turn her over.  He worked through the basic problems to the most complex, even to the point of suggesting taking the engine apart.  It had never happened to him before.  One look or the sound of the engine as he put it through its paces had always been enough.  Nothing was easy any more.  Nothing was simple.  And he had better get damn well used to it.

John had headed out a while ago to grab some coffee, so Jensen slid into the driver’s seat and ran his hands over the console.  It was new, but not too new.  It would never replace a good solid _classic_ car like his Impala, but it was dependable – even if it was driving him crazy.  The day was heating up already and Chris would be in soon.  Maybe a fresh pair of not sleep deprived or hung over eyes would do the trick.  Hell, the way Jensen’s head was pounding, he was surprised he could function at all.

Jensen’s hands fell to the key waiting in the ignition and he twisted them gently.  He gently pressed the gas and listened to her purr into life.  The engine sounded sweet and perfectly tuned.  There was no hesitation or misfire.  Jensen would bet the SUV was one of the best of its kind, smooth handling, good speeds and control.  If he was not such a traditionalist he would think about investing.

A long shadow stretched from the open garage doors and fell on Jensen where he sat.  John had returned with the much needed caffeine hit.  Something niggled at the back of his head but right then, nothing was more important than caffeine.

 

*****

_“Jared, baby,” Tom whispered as Jared lay sleeping.  “You awake?”  Jared mumbled incoherently in his sleep and tried to turn onto his stomach.  Tom smiled, his bottom lip caught in his teeth as he tried not to laugh.  Jared’s bump was big enough now that Jared could no longer sleep on his front.  It was a source of great annoyance for Jared, but Tom found it endearing to say the least._

_Jared huffed and rolled onto his side away from Tom.  It just made Tom smile wider and he spooned up behind Jared, letting his hand rest on Jared’s rounded belly and nuzzling his neck.  Jared smiled and snuggled closer to the man behind him.  They were the picture of happy contentment and Jared could quite happily stay like that except that suddenly, all he could think about was getting Tom’s dick in his ass.  He could feel it pressing, half hard, into the cleft of his ass and he wiggled his hips so that it started to slide against his bare flesh.  Since he had gotten pregnant there had been little to no point in wearing clothes to bed.  It took more time before they could get to the fucking and Jared had no patience for it._

_Sometimes Tom would make him beg for it, make him plead and groan and writhe while Tom teased him to the edge and over.  Right now, Tom was as eager for it as Jared and he barely took the time to lube up before sliding home.  Not that there was much need to prep, Jared barely had Tom’s dick out of his ass long enough for it to close up properly.  And if he was not being fucked he was jerking off until he was too sore to move.  It was amazing and Jared was loving every second._

*****

“Y’know the worst part of it?” Jensen asked John as they lounged on his couch, coffee in one hand while John poured a slug of whiskey into it.  “Knowing they were _happy_.  Before the bastard turned into a psycho, they were happy together.”

John nodded solemnly as they drank.

“He wanted me to understand, y’know?” Jensen continued, his words slurring with exhaustion and alcohol.  “Wanted me to know why he stayed, that Tom _loved him_.  Like that would make it better.  ‘Cause the one thing you really wanna hear from the man you love is that he was getting beaten to a pulp almost every night by someone he loved.  That’s gonna make things so much better.  Tom _fucking_ Welling.  He ever steps foot in this town, he gets within shouting distance of Jared, imma gonna _kill_ him.  Swear to God.”

Rage bubbled through him as he waved his hands for emphasis, nearly knocking the styrofoam cup from John’s hand.  The guy was a good listener.  He shut up and did not try to tell Jensen what to do or what to think.  He had long hair too.  Jared had long hair, but his was nicer than this guy’s.  No grey yet, soft and warm and silky when he ran his hands through it.  It was the perfect length to card his hands through without getting tangled and stuck.  If he tried that with John, his fingers would get twisted in the strands and they would have to cut it out and that would ruin the cut.  John would get mad and maybe hit him ‘cause that was obviously what people did.  He had missed the memo on that one but it was obviously true and he should probably get with the programme.

Wait.  Something was off.  “Why’re you still here?  Car’s fixed,” Jensen asked slowly, turning to blink earnestly at John.

“That it is,” he returned smoothly.  “How much do I owe you?”

“Not sure.  No idea what happened.  One second it wasn’t working, the next, BAM!  Purring like a kitten.”  Jensen stopped and turned towards the door to the office.  “Wonder if Anna-banana and Beth would like a kitten.  Jeff said so, but you can’t trust that jackass most of the time.  Still, he wouldn’t lie about them.  They’re way too cute to tease.  Gotta love ‘em.  Got nothing o’ that _asshole_ in ‘em.”

“Well, let me give you a couple of hundred.  I caused you a lot of inconvenience this morning and I’d like to compensate you.”

“Not a problem, man.  I like you.  Not too loud.  And you bring coffee.  Nothing like coffee to bribe a mechanic of my calibre,” Jensen said with a smirk.

John laughed and handed over a small wad of bills.  “Take it.  You gave me exactly what I needed and I can get back to my boss without getting killed.”

They shook hands and John disappeared into the sunlight.  There was still an hour before Chris was due in.  Time for more sleep and maybe Chris would actually leave him alone for once.  The jerk delighted in almost getting killed on a regular basis if the way he was so chipper and unrepentant when he woke Jensen – without coffee – was anything to go by.  Sleep.  Best thing ever.

*****

It was dark again but the light flickered in the distance.  This time Jensen ran towards it.  He needed to get there before it dimmed completely.  The irony hit him suddenly.  Jared was so lost but he was still Jensen’s light in the dark places.  He always would be.  Unless Jensen was too late to save him. 

He could see Jared stroking the glass longingly.  The light was dimming but he could see the fear and indecision on his face even from this distance.  The black smoke battered against him but it did not seem to be hurting Jared this time.  Something had robbed it of its power but still the light was dimming.

Jensen ran, sprinting forward to reach Jared, remind him of the doorway.  But at the last moment the ground gave way beneath him.  He fell into the blackness that did not seem to end.  Jared’s light slipped further from his reach, the only indication he was moving apart from the whistling in his ears.

Suddenly it stopped.  Everything halted as he was jerked back from the abyss.

Someone was holding him fast, his face half shadowed by the light Jared and his daughters cast.  His features flickered like the flame from a candle and Jensen could not make them out.  A deep foreboding gripped his heart and he feared falling was better than being held fast in this man’s grip.  He struggled ineffectually against him.  The sound of distant conversation drifted through the black.

_You know Jared well?_

_He’s my life. I can’t- no.  Don’t_ want _to remember a time he wasn’t._

_You were lovers?_

_Lovers, best friends, family.  He was everything._ Is _everything._

_What happened?_

_Only wish I knew._

_Why did he leave Tom?_

_I’ll kill the fucker!  No one touches my Jared.  No one!_

_Why did he come here?_

_Safe.  Safe from that fucking sonovabitch._

_With you?_

_Yes._

 

No! he screamed, soundless in the black.  The man just smiled and let go.

I have everything I need.

He fell, unending, not even sure which way was up.  Lost and floating on a sea of darkness.

 

*****

Jensen bolted upright.  His face was hard and determined.  He had been played.  He growled deep in his throat.  He had been so worried about Misha that he had been blinded to everything else.  The keys to the Impala were nestled safely in the top drawer of his desk.  It was time to take his baby for a ride.

Chris looked up from the car he was working on as Jensen stormed into the main floor of the garage.  It was not unusual to see a pissed off Jensen in the middle of the afternoon but this was something else.  There was a cold fury about him that Chris had never seen.  He could tell his boss had been drinking, add lack of sleep and a hell of a temper and it was not a state anyone should be driving in.  Jensen knew that, was the first one to stop someone being so stupid, especially when you factored in what he had been through because of a drunken idiot thinking he was above the law.  But now he was clutching the keys to the Impala.  His baby.  The car he transformed from a broken shell into a classic that looked as though it was fresh off the assembly line.

“Don’t say it,” Jensen bit out as he strode across the room.  “Jared’s in trouble.”  Those were the only words Chris needed to hear.

“I’ll drive,” he said as he dropped tools.

“No.  This is my mess, Chris.  Imma do serious damage if he does anything remotely like harm to my boy.  He _is_ mine, Chris.”  Jensen staggered as he realised what he had said and doubled over.  He retched whiskey and little else.  The thought that he could be even remotely like Tom was painful in the extreme.

“Man, you are in no state to drive.  You’d _hate_ yourself if you do this.”

“Already there,” Jensen replied sardonically.

“Okay, then you’d hate me, maybe even fire me and that is bad on so many levels,” Chris retorted, trying desperately to ease the awful tension running through Jensen, but not really knowing how.

“Fine,” Jensen growled, “but we take your truck.”

Chris smiled and grabbed his keys.  At least this was Jensen.  No one drove the Impala but him.

 

*****

“Jared Padalecki?”

Jared eyed the stranger warily.  He did not like strangers turning up, especially strangers that knew his name.  He made a quick check on the girls.  They were playing round the side of the house, not yet visible to the stranger, but Jared was sure he would hear them.  The guy stood passively, waiting for Jared to respond, making no move forward or back.  Jared did not know what to do so he ignored the question which was practically an admission of its own.  “Who are you?”

“John Glover,” the stranger replied, stepping forward and holding out his hand, his smile widening at the opening Jared had given him.  “I’ve been looking for you for a long time, Mr Padalecki.”

 

*****

The five minute trip across town had never seemed so long.  Jensen could swear Chris was driving like an old lady, stopping for every pedestrian that decided their truck was the one to step out in front of.  If Chris had let him drive they would have been there hours ago.

“I know you think the Impala’s hot shit, Jensen, but I doubt even she can travel through time,” Chris said with a smirk.  Damn!  He must have said that stuff out loud.  He should know better than to give Chris extra ammunition, he had enough already.

“I just need to get there, Chris.  I don’t know what the fuck that creep is gonna do,” Jensen replied shortly.

 

*****

Tom had been in this backwater town an hour and he already hated it.  If it was not for Jared, he would have turned around at the city limits.  Only Jared was worth enduring this hellhole.  Not that he understood what Jared was still doing here.  How had he managed a day, let alone two months?  Tom still could not fathom why Jared had not come home.  Sure, things had been bad between them that night, but they both knew Tom had a temper.  Things were always better in the morning.  It was how they worked.  Jared forgave him and in turn tried not to do things that would piss Tom off.

But now...Hearing the daily reports and seeing them were two very different things.  Hearing about Jared whoring around and having to see it with his own eyes.  That was the worst thing.  It had been all he could do not to wreck his hotel – if you could call it that – room.  Those pictures.  That man.  The one person Tom knew who could take away everything that was his – the twins, Jared, maybe even the election.  The part of Jared’s heart he had never been able to obtain, never been able to break.  Not that he would give up that easily.

Mike’s guy was good.  Thorough.  Even now, after giving Tom every scrap of information he had gathered, he was out searching for more.  He was finding a way in.

 

*****

“What do you want?” Jared asked warily, twisting the paint stained rag he was carrying.  Last night had been too much.  It was like his very soul had been taken from him and laid bare on the operating table.  Now he felt raw and used, waiting to find out if he could be put back together again.  Waiting to see if Jensen could really love someone as broken as him.

Jared was not a stupid man.  He knew having Jensen back in his life would probably complicate things more than fix them, fix him, but having him there softened the jagged pieces of his heart.  Jensen, as always, was the cause and solution to so many of Jared’s problems.  He was the hole that Jared had needed to fill, the one thing that could give Jared the strength to go on.

Once he had started talking, Jared had not been able to stop.  The poison had to be expelled once and for all.  He could see the way every word struck Jensen like a barb, clinging to the skin, but still he could not stop.  Not until Jensen knew everything, for good or bad.  When Jensen had left in the early hours of the morning, he had promised to come back.  Everything was new and fragile, but Jared felt lighter than he had in years.  Jensen would come back.  But would it be soon enough.

Jared continued to stare at the long haired man standing in the middle of his yard like he had a right to be there.  The guy was looking around, taking in the newly pruned hedges, the sanded wood and new planks of the porch and steps.  He wore a faint smile as he looked, as though he approved of what Jared had done.  For some reason that air of approval rankled Jared.  This was _his_ home, to do with as he pleased.  No one else had a right to pass judgement on it, good or bad.

“I said, what do you want,” Jared repeated more forcefully, crossing his arms across his chest.  Even though he was still too thin, his arms and chest were filling out and that, paired with his height, cut an imposing figure on strangers.  It was satisfying to be able to use it to his advantage for once.

“Like I said, I’ve been looking for you,” the man, John, replied casually.  “You’re a hard man to find when you want to be.”

“Maybe you should have taken the hint.”  The hair on the back of Jared’s neck prickled and he wrapped his arms around himself, the defiance of a moment ago slipping through his fingers.  Only one person would work so hard to find him.

“Normally I might, but when Jared Padalecki, the light of future Governor of Texas, Tom Welling’s eye, goes missing.  Well, it’s not something that goes by unnoticed.”

Jared blanched.  He was right.  Tom had sent someone to find him.  It was only a matter of time before the man himself turned up.  He had to leave.  He had to run.  Again.  Leave Jensen.  Again.  This time there would be no going back.  Tom would kill Jensen if he ever found out about them.  It had been bad enough when Tom had found the picture of Jensen.  If he knew Jared had seen him since they had been apart, Jared did not want to think about what could happen.

“Leave,” Jared bit out a panic flared in his chest.  “Bethany!  Annabel!  Inside now!” he called round the building.

“Jared, wait,” John said as he grabbed Jared’s arm to stop him retreating into the house.  “It’s not what you think.”

“Get your fucking hands off him!” came a yell from the gate.  A second later Jared was free.  Jensen was there, just like he promised, eyes red rimmed and puffy but the anger pouring off him was savage.  John opened his mouth to speak but before he could get a word in, Jensen was swinging.  The punch sent John to the ground in an instant, almost knocked him out cold.  Jared winced in sympathy.  He knew exactly what that felt like, the taste of blood in his mouth where his teeth cut into the soft skin of his cheek, the way if felt like his jaw had been dislocated – and the one time it actually had – the way his eye felt like it would explode from his head and the snap of his neck at the brute force.

“You don’t fucking touch him,” Jensen raved as he crouched over John’s prone form.  “You don’t go near him or I will kill you.”

Jared shivered.  Cold dread settled like ice in his stomach.  He had never seen Jensen this angry before.  He had never been _afraid_ of Jensen.  He had smelt the liquor on Jensen’s breath as he had torn John away from him.  He could see its effects clouding Jensen’s judgement.  As he pulled his arm back for another punch, Jared swallowed his fear.

“Jensen, stop,” he whispered.

Jensen’s hand was still pulled back, his other tangled in the now crumpled shirt John was wearing.  He turned slowly to look at Jared, taking in his pale, shaking form.  He was looking more like the pale and frightened man Jeff had taken in and cared for two long months ago.  Jensen had done that and it made him want to vomit far more than the worst hang over he had ever endured.

“Oh god,” he groaned and he pushed himself away from the man he had laid out.  If he needed any more confirmation that Jared saw him as another abusive bastard, this was it.

“I’m sorry, Jay,” he said as he approached warily, like a skittish colt.  “I couldn’t risk him hurting you.  I thought he was going to take you away from me.”

Jensen wrapped Jared in his arms.  The younger man remained stiff and unyielding for long, tense moments until finally, he held onto Jensen, burying his head in Jensen’s neck.

“I know,” Jared breathed.  He knew.  He knew Jensen loved him.  He knew Jensen owned him heart and soul.  He knew what that would mean, sooner or later.  It would be worse than it ever had been with Tom because of that but he could cope with it.  He loved Jensen.  More than that, he knew Jensen was the only person in the world with the right to the anger he had seen.

 

*****

Tom watched from across the street.  The scene had unfolded with timing to rival the best director.  Street theatre designed for his own amusement.  But that was not how he felt.  Jared attracted people like honey.  People that did not know they were touching his property.  People who thought they had the right to hold and protect Jared, soothe him when he was scared, punish him when he needed it.

He watched with a reluctant admiration at the way Ackles flew in and laid claim to what he thought was his.  He flung the scruffy haired tramp and his grabbing hands away from the perfection of his beautiful Jared.  Hot anger pulsed through him as he watched Ackles hold Jared close, saw the way they melted together.  Tom knew the lines of Jared’s body better than he knew his own.  Jared was submitting to this _man_ who had let him slip away once before.  He had started to think of himself as free.

Tom let the anger simmer below the surface.  Once more he forged it into a useful tool that would allow him to watch and wait and find his chance to remind Jared who it was that really loved him.  Jared was not free, he belonged to Tom and they both knew it.  He would make Ackles pay.  One way or another.  There was nothing more that Tom wanted to do than stride in there and pluck Jared from Ackles’ embrace.  Knock the other man to the ground and not stop punching until there was a bloody mess laying at his feet.  But that was not his way.  He could not afford for something so sordid to be associated with him.  He was always a step behind the act itself, except where it came to Jared.  That he had to do himself.  He had to be the one to punish Jared as well as the one to heal him otherwise there would be no bond between them, only a simple fuck and goodnight.

Yes, he admired Ackles’ control, the way he handled Jared when he was emotionally unstable.  He knew what he was doing and that made him a formidable adversary.  He could not afford to make any mistakes and that meant knowing everything there was to know about Jensen Ackles and Jared’s life here in Washford.  It meant staying in this backwards little dump of a town.  It also meant staying out of sight and letting someone else do the legwork.

Tom sighed as he punched in the familiar number.  “Mike, I need your guy,” he said without preamble once the call connected.  “Indefinitely.  Yes I know you thought you would have him back but he’s already got a cover here and I pay your salary.  I don’t give a damn.  He stays.”

He disconnected the call without waiting for a reply and watched as a long haired cowboy clambered out of the waiting truck and helped hustle the tramp out of the gate.  He spoke quietly with Ackles for a moment before nodding at each other.  None of the words were loud enough to cross the street but Tom could guess it was a caution.  The cowboy left after that and Jensen went back to Jared’s side.  Tom watched as this interloper bent to talk to his daughters before scooping them up and walking with Jared into the house.

No one took Tom Welling’s family from him.  No one.  Ackles may not know it but he had just signed his own death warrant.  It was only a matter of time.


	19. Chapter 17

Shirley was pissed.  Ron was in the study doing god knows what and she was bored and getting steadily more drunk as the day wore on.  Bad enough that her chance with Jensen had been ripped away by that idiot boy, but when she had been sure the two guys as Six Flags had been up for anything she had to suggest, they had just wanted to _talk_.  It was humiliating.

All afternoon, instead of fucking her hard enough to forget her disappointment or, hell, even her boredom, for a while, they had wanted to _talk_.  Something was clearly wrong with the people in this town.  She had never been anywhere that a man had wanted to talk rather than fuck and it was seriously cramping her style.  The brandy burned on the way down but she loved the heat that spread through her.  It was sensuous and alluring but right now it just reminded her that she had not been laid properly for over a month.

Since being ejected from 8-Balls the day Jared had turned up to wreck everything, she had tried a few times with Jensen only to be ignored completely.  The guy never seemed to be away from that Jared.  Not that it would be a bad thing.  They were both seriously hot and if having Jensen meant having Jared, too; well she was sure she could manage somehow.  Just the thought had her squirming in her seat, her fingers gently stroking over her panties.  She groaned in frustration as the tingle spread through her entire body.  Masturbation was okay but ever since she had discovered real sex, it did not compare.  Why use her own hand when she could have someone licking and sucking their way down her body?

Maybe Ron would actually be useful for something today.  Shirley was feeling horny and had no outlet.  She had already been through all the easiest fucks in the town and a few of the harder to persuade, but right now she needed sex and not one of them was worth a second round.  Not when it might encourage them to think more of it than it was.  She did not want anyone leaving their wives or husbands because they thought it _meant something._   When she was younger she seemed to attract the most pathetic excuses for men there were but at least they were easy to manipulate, hence her marriage.  She wanted sex, they wanted forever.  She had to fight not to roll her eyes every time one of them told her they loved her.  What she would not do for a real man for once, one that could match her, one that actually understood what she needed.

“Ron, baby,” she called out as she sauntered down the hall to the study.  “Ron, you’ve been working for _hours_ , baby,” she said as she slipped her arms around his neck, draping her body over his and pressing as close as she could up against his back.

“What do you want, Shirley?” he asked absently but with a hint of irritation.  His eyes did not leave the glowing computer screen and his fingers flashed over the keys steadily.

“I just thought you might like to spend some time in the company of your wife,” she replied, the words dripping from her mouth like honey.

“And since when do you want to spend time in the company of your husband?  Surely there are still some guys in this town you haven’t eaten your way through yet,” he sneered, bitterness lacing his voice like poison.

Shirley spun and sat gracefully in his lap, all pretence of seduction gone.  “I need a fuck and you are still my husband.  Means you’re still entitled to my body occasionally.”

Ron snorted and tipped her off his lap.  “I feel so special.  So who turned you down?”

Shirley frowned and glared up at him.  “Shut the hell up,” she snapped.  What the hell had possessed her to marry him?  He had always been boring and there was not one thing they really had in common.

“It was the money, Shirley.  You wanted the money and the freedom my long hours gave you to do whatever you wanted.”  Ron sighed.  He was so tired of this bullshit.  He hated his wife but part of him still cared for her.  It had all been an act, their entire courtship, but he still could not bring himself to let her go.  He still desired her more than any other woman he had ever met and she was so good at schmoosing his colleagues and bosses.  He had gotten more promotions since he had been married than any of his colleagues.  He just wished he did not know it was Shirley’s talents that had earned them more than his own.

There was cold determination in her eyes as she worked his pants open.  She slid a sure hand inside and stroked softly, teasingly.  There was never enough pressure to be truly satisfying but he got harder with every brush of her manicured, red fingertips.  Ron lost track of the time and let himself sink into the sensations she was arousing in him.  He knew he should pull away, stop letting her use him for her own pleasure but every kiss and caress was designed to short-circuit his brain and she had over ten years of practice and not just with him.  He knew about so many and suspected dozens more.  She left every single one strewn behind her like so much trash.  The most damning thing of it all was that he could not blame her.  He had always known she did not want him and yet here he was, giving into his body and letting her play him every time, proving himself as pathetic as she claimed _._

Shirley climbed onto his lap, her skirt riding up her pale thighs.  She slid down onto him, encasing his dick in her hot, wet cunt.  She had not even bothered to take off her panties, just pushed them to one side like it was nothing.  Not a sign of desire that erased everything but _here, now_ , just the casual use of a functional item.  He might as well have been a dildo but she needed her hands free.

Ron buried his head in her soft shoulder as she made the call.  She was braced against the desk, riding him with smooth rocks of her hips, timing each roll to his thrusts.  He groaned as she punched in the number and she hissed at him to shut the fuck up.

“Jeffrey?” she asked when the line connected.

 _“Yeah,”_ came the reply.  He could hear every word of their conversation as clear as if Jeffrey Dean Morgan was standing in the room with them.

“Oh thank God!” she exclaimed, a slight breathlessness to her voice.  Now he knew why she wanted to fuck right now, the best way to sound sexy and believable without coming off as the whore she really was.  “It’s Shirley Baxter.  I really need your help.”

 _“What do you need?”_ Jeff asked offhandedly.  Ron allowed himself a smirk as he thrust extra hard.  Not everyone was so susceptible to his wife’s charms.  God only knew why she was trying so hard with this one.

“It’s my husband, Ron,” she said quickly, arching an eyebrow haughtily when Ron’s head jerked up.  “It’s his birthday in a couple of weeks and I wanted to do something special for him.”

 _“So where do I come in?”_ Jeff asked as if he could not care less.

“I wanted to cook him a meal, but, well, I’m not very good at it.  In fact I’ve been known to burn down kitchens trying to get a cup of coffee,” she said with a self-deprecating laugh, inviting Jeff to share the joke.  Ron would find it funnier if it was not actually true.  “I thought it would be something special, you know?  But I _really_ need some help with it.”

_“Excuse me if I find this a little hard to believe, Mrs Baxter.  I think the entire town knows you and Ron don’t have the most harmonious of relationships.”_

Shirley scowled.  This was the danger of small towns with small ideas.  It was also the danger of hitting on one of Jensen Ackles’ best friends.  Still, she knew she could work it.  All she needed was time and a decent sob story.

“I know,” she said with a hitch to her voice, courtesy of a particularly strong roll of the hips that had Ron biting his lip to stay silent.  “I, we haven’t been happy in a long time.  Ron thought a move would help but it hasn’t.  I just, I still love him,” she said as she rode Ron’s dick harder and faster.  “I need to let him know that, let him know I’m willing to change.”

Ron could hear the static of silence on the line as they both waited.  Shirley sitting still with Ron’s cock buried deep inside her achingly wet cunt as she worked her internal muscles around him.  He was not sure how much longer he could hold out against the rhythmic torture.

 _“Fine.  I’ll help,”_ Jeff said eventually.  _“Come by the diner tomorrow and let me know when you want to do this.”_

“Oh thank you so much!” Shirley exclaimed as she started moving again.  “See you tomorrow, Jeff.”

Shirley was bucking down onto him before the phone had been disconnected.  She rode him hard and fast, using every trick at her disposal, not that she needed to.  In seconds Ron was spilling into her, crying out in completion.  He felt her clamp down on his cock as her own orgasm shot through her.  Shirley was barely over the first wave when she found herself on her ass on the study floor.  Ron had dumped her there unceremoniously and was already sitting staring at the computer screen, half hard dick hanging out of his fly.

“I really hate it when you do that,” he said flatly as his fingers started tapping away again.  He did not even look at her as she calmly righted her clothes and sauntered out.

 

*****

Jared looked fit to collapse as they made their way inside.  Jensen and Chris had tossed John Glover, whoever the hell he was, out and now they were back in his kitchen.  Chris had gone straight away, but that still left him alone with Jensen.  Instinctively he stood in front of his daughters, protecting them from Jensen without even realising.  From the hurt look on his face, though, Jensen had not missed the gesture.

The day had started so well.  There was a promise in the air at finally having the secrets that hung heavy between them removed.  Now it all seemed to be slipping away from him.  Jensen was distant and angry, standing in the middle of the kitchen not looking at them, not looking at anything, lost in his own head.  Any second now, Jared feared the thin veneer of control would snap and Jensen would let fly with fists and words designed to do the most damage, and who had better ammunition than Jensen.  But Jared could not let that happen in front of Beth and Annabel.  They had already seen far too much pain and suffering in their short lives, been exposed to violence they should never have to know in their own home.  He had to find a way to get them out of there, but they were so scared and unsure Jared could not bring himself to make them go.  Maybe Jensen would control himself while they were there.  He was trying so hard, maybe if Jared did nothing else, just stood and took everything Jensen wanted to say, Jensen would be able to keep things together until Beth and Annabel were sound asleep in bed.  Jared could be quiet if the need arose – and it did more often than he wanted to think about.

“Papa, who was that man?” Beth asked quietly as she tugged on Jared’s trouser leg.

“I don’t know, munchkin,” Jared replied softly, almost afraid to speak in case it jolted Jensen from his trance.

“Tom sent him,” Jensen said quietly.  He did not turn from where he stood staring blankly out of the kitchen window.

Jared froze.  It was what he had feared when the guy had turned up at his gate.  The things he had said.  Tom had sent someone to bring him and his children back to San Antonio.

“Daddy?”  Annabel said hopefully.  “Is daddy coming to take us home?”

“I-I don’t know,” stammered Jared.  He was locked in a panic he had not felt so fiercely since the hospital.  It was like having Tom in the room with them, stealing the air and making it impossible to breathe.

“I miss daddy, Papa,” Beth said quietly.  “Is he coming to see us?”  Jared looked down, unsure what to say but before he could formulate a reply, Jensen was speaking again.

“That _bastard_ sent someone after you and I led him right here!”  Jensen whirled round, slamming a fist into the cold metal of the refrigerator.  Jensen barely felt the jarring pain that travelled up his arm, alcohol and anger numbing its effects.

Jared took a step back as he held Beth and Annabel close.  He could feel them shaking and they clung to him as though they would never let go.  “Jensen, please.  Not now.  Please don’t do this.  Please not now,” Jared chanted under his breath.  He could not decide if he wanted Jensen to hear him or not, afraid of Jensen’s volatile mood.

“Papa, is daddy coming?” Beth asked insistently.

“I don’t know,” Jared replied helplessly.  How was he supposed to explain?  What could he possibly say to make this all better?

“I should have killed him,” muttered Jensen as he started pacing, unconsciously rubbing his swelling knuckles.  “He knows where you are, Jay.  I can’t.  Not again.”  Jensen turned to him, his eyes red and swollen as if he had been crying for hours, glistening with a grief so strong it feels like Jared’s own.  “I can’t lose you,” Jensen said as he reached for Jared.  Frantic hands grabbed at his hair and face.  “He knows, Jared.  He knows and he won’t let me save you.”

“Papa, what’s wrong with Jensen?” asked Annabel as she stared at them in confusion.  Her too wide eyes begged for her father to make it all better.  They were so scared and there was nothing Jared could do about it, not with the terror that was winding its way through Jared.

“Jen, Jen please.  Please.  Stop,” Jared begged as he pushed feebly at Jensen’s hands.  “Please.  Don’t do this.  Not in front of my girls.  Please, Jen.”

“Jensen?” said Annabel tentatively as she reached out to him.  It was the first time since the girls had seen them kissing that either one of them had tried to talk to Jensen, let alone reached out for him.

Jensen froze at the light touch on his thigh.  His fingers tightened momentarily in Jared’s hair before he looked down into those beautiful hazel eyes.  They were so like Jared’s, wide and luminous with unshed tears.  And so very afraid.

With a gasp of sudden realisation, Jensen staggered backwards.  He fell awkwardly as he tripped over his own feet and scooted into the corner, the handles of the cupboards digging painfully into his back, the sharp pain in his wrist ignored for the one in his heart.  Three pairs of cat like hazel eyes stared down at him and it was only then that he could tell the slight differences in them.  There was so much of Jared in Beth and Annabel, but finally he could see Tom.  It was in the fear reflected in their eyes.  Fear that he had put there.  He had promised himself he would protect them, the three most precious people in the world to him.  Flashes of the fights and abuses Jared had described to him came flooding back.  Not even Tom had made such a scene in front of his daughters.  He at least had tried to shield them from the whole truth of Jared and Tom’s relationship.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered as he scrambled for the door.  “I’m so sorry, Jay.”

 

*****

 

> **Exclusive!  Welling’s Lost Lover**
> 
> With election fever gripping Texas, one name has been on everybody’s lips since joining the race for Governor.  Tom Welling, a hard and calculating businessman who has taken the acquisitions business to a whole new level after taking on his father’s already booming empire.  Anyone opposing Mr Welling has spoken of his steel and determination with an unlikely mix of affection and ruefulness, a man as charming as he is intelligent.
> 
> But what lurks beneath the boyish grin and sparkling eyes?  What has made Mr Welling’s partner of nearly seven years, Jared Padalecki, disappear without a trace just months before the most important night of his lover’s life, taking their twin daughters, Bethany Louise and Annabel Rebecca Welling (6yrs), with him?
> 
> For weeks, Texas has been silently asking, where is Jared Padalecki?  And now we have the answer.
> 
> The last time Mr Welling and Mr Padalecki were seen together was during a political fundraiser that was critical for Welling to stay in the race for Governor.  However, while the party went well for Mr Welling, witnesses noticed him growing agitated as the evening progressed.  One source close to the couple, said “he just grabbed Jared and left.  I saw Jared wince, I thought he looked almost scared.  Figured they’d had a fight or something.”
> 
> After that little lovers’ tiff came the more sinister disappearance of Mr Padalecki and his daughters.  Repeated enquiries to Mr Welling’s office were ignored or met with short statements that Mr Padalecki was stressed from the unfamiliar pressures of public life and was taking a break from it all with Bethany and Annabel.
> 
> However, the disturbing reports of Mr Welling’s behaviour at the party obviously required more investigation and led to a small town in rural Texas with strong links to Mr Padalecki’s mysterious past.  Close friends of Mr Padalecki described how he had arrived in the town in the middle of the night with only the clothes he was wearing and suffering injuries that could only be explained by a physical assault.
> 
> One source said “he was a mess!  I’d seen him in the papers o’course but I barely woulda recognised him.”  Of course Mr Padalecki has his own brand of charm and has quickly gained many admirers, both in the eyes of the public and his new friends.  “The idea of anyone touching a hair on that boy’s head makes me madder ‘en hell!  Not that he’ll tell anyone about it.  Stubborn SOB, too.  I swear, if I find out who did it, they are in for a world of pain!”
> 
> The small town opened its arms to Mr Padalecki and his daughters and, as we can see from these exclusive pictures, perhaps he has more than one reason to stay.
> 
> Jensen Ackles, seen pictured with Mr Padalecki, mechanic and lifelong resident of Washford, was the childhood sweetheart of Mr Padalecki and it seems, the person who has recaptured his heart.  The question still remains, what happened to make Jared run?  Was it his mysterious new lover or was something rotten underneath Mr Welling’s charming veneer and what will happen next?

“Sonovabitch!” Jensen bit out as he threw the paper across the room.  Relief and anger flooded through him in equal measure.  For days they had been waiting for Tom to show up at Jared’s door because of that asswipe _journalist,_ Glover.  Jared had stayed home from work, refused to let anyone but Jensen and Jeff through the door and had not once let Beth or Annabel out of his sight.  And now that was all for nothing.  Some _fucking journalist_ had wanted the story and now there was no way Tom did not know where Jared was hiding.  Worse than that, the guy had talked to everyone.  All of their friends had been eager to get their worry off their chests to a sympathetic stranger.

The insinuations were clear.  Glover was as close to accusing Tom of beating Jared as he could get without Tom suing the paper for slander.  God only knew what Jared would do once he saw the name of his new home in black and white.  And the pictures.  It was terrifying how close he had been able to get without them having a clue. Most were from Jeff’s diner or the garage, but there were a few at Jared’s house and, wait, was that one from the lake?   They were grainy and out of focus, but there were a couple that showed plain as day how much they felt for each other.

Hell, Jensen was not even really worried about Jared’s reaction.  As soon as this trash had been printed it would have been on Tom’s desk or he needed to fire anyone dealing with his publicity.  The only satisfaction Jensen had was that this would seriously dent his ambitions to a political career.  Not that it would matter when Tom came to Washford to get Jared and his children back.  This was beyond bad.  Their relatively peaceful existence was about to come crashing down around their ears.

Jensen sighed.  They had suffered setback after setback.  It had been so hard.  But Jared was talking to him; they were in each other’s lives again.  They were starting to come back to on another, heal the festering wounds.  Finally.

Even with the fear of Tom hanging over them, Jared had been more like the man Jensen had known than ever before.  Beth and Annabel had started to come to terms with the fact that Jensen was going to be in their life.  They did not miss Tom any less – which Jensen found was the hardest thing to deal with – but they accepted that Jensen loved their father and cared for them.  Jensen suspected it was more the fact that Jared still let them believe in Tom’s love or them, let him be more of a father in his absence than he ever had been when they were together.  Jared would calmly explain that they could not go back to Tom because Tom hurt him, but he never went into details or tried to scare them.  Jensen worried that it was because, one day, Jared wanted to reintroduce him into their lives and then, would Jensen really be able to keep Jared?  Family was everything to Jared, especially now when all he had was his beautiful and fragile daughters.

Nothing was ever easy for them, just when they thought they had a fighting chance for a new start, it had been ripped away.  All Jensen wanted to do was reach for a bottle and not crawl out of it until the world had fallen away and there was nothing left but darkness.  But even that release was denied him.  Once he had realised the extent of his idiocy under the influence of several days’ worth of whiskey, Jensen had gone cold turkey.  The nightmares still came and the hangover had been enough to make him want to die just so he would not have to experience it anymore, but he endured.  For Jared.  He woke frequently, drenched in sweat and shaking from more than just the fear.  And the shakes that just would not go away. When they hit he could no longer work, the tools in his hands doing more damage than good.  Chris had found him doubled over in front of the Ford he was working on, tears streaming down his face as his stomach cramped.  This was his punishment and deserved every damn bit of it.

But still he went to Jared.  He could not keep away.  He saw Jared’s worry over his too pale face and the cold sweats, but Jensen kept it together as best he could.  He did not want to let Jared see what he had become, not when Jensen knew how much more pain that would cause him.  Jared was the only reason he had not given up.  Even when every fibre of his being cried out for relief, cried for the sweet oblivion alcohol promised. 

Jared was still at home looking after Beth and Annabel, oblivious to the immediate danger he was in but still living in fear of discovery.  He was waiting for Jensen to make it all better but he could not do it this time.  All Jensen could do was wait and hope he would be able to stop the train wreck before Jared got hurt again.  Tom was coming back and there was nothing Jensen could do about it.

 

*****

“Jared!” called Jeff from the porch.  It was still early, barely morning early, but Jared was up.  He barely slept with the shadow of Tom looming over him.  He would sneak into the girls’ room when they were asleep and just watch them, reassure himself they were safe and happy in their new home where nothing could ever hurt them.

Jared dragged himself to the door and let Jeff in.  The only reason he did not ignore the summons was that he did not want the racket to wake Beth and Annabel.  “The girls are sleeping,” was the only thing he said as he turned back into the house, leaving the door ajar for Jeff to follow.  He collapsed onto the worn couch and stared sightlessly in front of him.

“It’s been a week Jared.  I’ve let it slide because something pretty big must have happened.  I know you don’t want to talk about it,” Jeff said, holding up a hand when Jared would have interrupted, “but I care about you.  You and Jensen, who is in a bad way himself.”

That did rouse Jared from his stupor.  “Jensen?” Jared asked, worry sparking as he thought back over every day Jensen had visited.  Sure he looked pale and fraught, but they both were.  They were both waiting for the guillotine to drop.

“Yeah, Jensen.  You two have got your heads so far up your own asses you don’t know what’s going on anymore!  So ready to run away because _it’s the right thing to do._ ” Jeff said, distain dripping from the words.

“You have no _idea_ what’s happening!” Jared hissed, his eyes blazing as he rounded on Jeff.  His fear of Jeff’s anger had melted away after so much time in the man’s company.  “Don’t think you know me, Jeff.”

“Oh, so your sudden reversion to a hermit has nothing to do with this then?” Jeff asked as he tossed the paper he was carrying onto the coffee table in front of Jared.  “It’s not front page but I’m pretty sure Welling will get to it.”

Jared paled as he looked at the double page spread.  His eyes were drawn to the photographs that littered the pages, unmistakable even with the poor quality of the shots.  “Oh _God,”_ Jared moaned as he drew a shaking hand over his face.  “I keep seeing him, Jeff.  Everywhere I turn I keep seeing him, waiting, watching.  It’s like he wants me to know I can never be free of him.”

“And you never will be unless you stop letting him rule your life,” Jeff replied softly, sitting in front of Jared and clasping his hands.  “Live your life, Jared.  Do that and he can’t touch you anymore.  No one will let him near you.”

 

*****

Sam sighed in relief when she saw Jensen lying on the couch in the office.  The first few times she had come to visit him this week, she had found him passed out on the cold concrete in the workshop.  The symptoms seemed to be quieting some at least.  Jensen had not told her he had quit the booze and she had never said she knew.  It was an unspoken agreement.  They both knew the signs.  What baffled her the most was the way he tried to shut out Jared.  The pain she could see in Jensen’s eyes would be hidden almost completely when he set out to visit the younger man.  They were so busy protecting each other that neither could see what the other was suffering.  Damn Jeff for being right.  Again.

“Jensen,” Sam said softly as she approached.  She was surprised to see he was awake, staring into space.

“What do you want, Sam?” he asked softly, not even looking at her.  “I’m just going out.”

“Yeah?  Well, you got some time,” she replied as she sat on the arm of the couch.  “Jeff’s talking some sense into that boy of yours so you get me.”

“What?” Jensen asked with a frown, finally sitting up so she could settle properly.

“I take it you saw the article in that rag today.  If I’d’a known that piece of shit was after a story about Jared I woulda kicked him outta town so fast he’d’a broken the speed limit!” she said, he accent more pronounced than usual in her anger.  She saw a small smile quiver on his lips and hummed quietly in satisfaction.  “You boys are so busy protecting each other you’re actually pushing each other away.”

“I don’t know how to tell him,” Jensen said, gesturing to the paper flung angrily to the floor.

“You won’t have to,” Sam replied gently as she stroked her fingers through his hair.  “He’s strong, Jensen.  You know that better than anyone.  Let him be strong.  Let him help you a little.”

“It’s too much, Sam,” he whispered brokenly.  “He’s been through so much, I can’t ask him to do any more.”

“You’ll never have to ask.  All you have to do is let him see you,” she said, no longer talking about the article and they both knew it.  “Don’t keep trying to hide yourself from him.  He doesn’t want that and you know it.  All it does is leave him scared and confused and he’s had enough of that for a lifetime.  He needs to remember that he can be strong, that he can help the people he loves.  He needs to remember that life isn’t always about pain.”

“I-I,” Jensen stuttered, not really knowing what to say but denial hot in his mind.  “You have no idea what you’re talking about!  You have no idea what that _bastard_ did to him.  _I_ do.  He told me everything.  _Everything._   Did you know he drinks?  The things he would do to Jared when he was drunk.  I, I can’t,” Jensen tailed off.  “Sometimes he looks at me and I swear he still sees Tom.”

“And you think that will change while he can see you’re not telling him everything?  He’s always going to be waiting for pain and punishment because that’s what he’s been conditioned to expect.”  Sam stared Jensen down when he looked up at her, baffled.  “I have eyes, Jensen.  I also have ears.  I’ve heard you and Jeff talking.  Jeff’s even talked to me about it when he couldn’t bear it any more.  And don’t you dare say I told you or he will kill me!”  Jensen shook his head and looked at her stunned.  “Jeff never meant to betray your confidence, but he loves you like a brother and Jared’s almost a son to him now.  He’s almost as lost and afraid as you are and don’t you _dare_ forget it!”

“I’m sorry,” Jensen said quietly as the fight drained from him, leaving him exhausted; head hanging as he slouched forward.

“I know,” Sam replied as the anger drained from her as quickly as it had risen.  “I didn’t come here to make you feel worse.  You know Jared.  You know exactly what was done to him.  How can he ever trust you if you don’t let him know you’re hurting too?  How does he know you’re not going to take it out on him unless you show him?”

“I don’t want him to see how weak I am,” Jensen said with a hitch as he fought to hold back the sobs that threatened to overwhelm him.

“It’s not weakness, sweetheart,” she said as she pulled him into her arms.  “This is one of the strongest things you have ever done.  He wants everything you are and right now you’re not giving it to him.  Let him love you, all of you, and you might just have the one thing you’ve always wanted.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alcoholism and detox and violent drunken outbursts


	20. Chapter 18

It felt like old times.  Many were the hours he had whiled away watching Jared.  This time, though he was being more careful.  No one could be allowed to know he was in Washford.  No one but Jared that is.  It felt good to know he could still get to Jared.  This was the warning.  He would give Jared the chance to think about the mistakes he had made, a chance to come back willingly now that he knew Tom was waiting.

There was no doubt that Jared had seen him.  The frightened frantic glances were enough to show Tom just how aware of him Jared still was.  Jared had been frightened.  The night before he had disappeared had been intense but he still needed to learn and the lessons Tom had tried to give him obviously had not been working.  It was up to Tom to show Jared how good he could be, how perfect.  Jared knew that.  All he wanted was for Jared to love him completely - love him and trust him to take care of Jared.  Was that really too much to ask?

Jared was looking good too.  He was putting on weight and muscle.  Tom loved seeing him bronzed and strong like that, but it was disheartening too.  It meant Jared was forgetting who he belonged to.  He was allowing other people to see what only Tom was allowed to see.  He was primping and preening like a whore.  Just one more lesson Tom would have to reiterate when Jared was back home where he belonged.  Not that he regretted being able to watch from afar.  Tom had patience.  He could wait for the right time if it meant Jared would be his.

While he watched Jared pick up the toys strewn over the yard, Jared froze and looked all around for the source of his disquiet.  Tom knew he was well concealed in the shadows of the tree across the street.  It was the perfect vantage point to see without being seen.

As Jared’s gaze slid over his hiding place for the last time, Tom stepped out of the shade.  He watched Jared pale and sway as if he would pass out.  He smiled and whispered, “hey, baby.”

 

*****

 _“I’m done,”_ the voice said as it crackled over the line.  Cell reception in this godforsaken place was a nightmare, but Tom did not want a land line he was not completely in control of to be used for these purposes.  Who knew when it might leak that the future Governor for Texas was spying on his lover.  _“The dossiers on Mr Padalecki and all of the people he has had dealings with in Washford are compiled with the latest information I’ve gathered.  They are waiting in the Post Office Box you arranged.”_

“Good,” Tom replied, a smile lacing his voice.  “What did you get on Ackles?”

_“It’s all in the files, sir.  I’ll be heading back to San Antonio now.  There are a couple of other cases Mr Rosenbaum has apprised me of.”_

“Mike told you to get me whatever I need right?” asked Tom deceptively calmly.

_“With all due respect, Mr Welling, there is nothing more I can do for you here.  You have everything there is to know about the people in Washford.  There is no further benefit to my continued involvement.”_

“I don’t think that’s your call.”

_“Then I suggest you take it up with Mr Rosenbaum.”_

Tom sneered as he clicked the cell shut.  The little bastard was trying to ditch him just as the final play was about to start.  Tom laughed.  He did not need the help, but it would have been a whole lot sweeter if Jensen knew he had been sold out.  Yeah, that would have been the icing on the cake.

 

*****

Mornings were the worst.  The absolute worst thing in the world ever.  It was the weekend, even better it was the school holidays, but was Jared allowed to enjoy them?  No.  It was five am and the girls were already stirring.  He would have time enough to get them ready to head out to the diner but getting out of bed at all was proving to be a challenge.  It was all taking its toll, working at the diner while taking care of two children who both had as much energy as he had had at their age - his momma had always said he had taken ten years of her life.  A pang of grief hit him at the thought.  It had always been said in jest, everyone laughing and ruffling his hair while he grinned at them.  Now it did not seem so funny.  It was true – more than. 

Something did need to be done though.  Jared was so tired all of the time and nothing seemed to make it better.  He was blaming that bug Jeff had given him.  It was still lingering weeks after the camping trip.  It had been pretty mild considering how much it had taken out of Jeff, the slight nausea and aches just made it _really_ hard to get going.  Not that it had mattered much this last week.  After John Glover’s introduction and hasty expulsion from his life, Jeff had told him to take a few days off.  Time was up though.  This was the first morning back at the diner and Jared had not found it this hard to crawl out of bed since his last trip to the hospital.

Shower.  All he had to do was get to the shower and he would be able to function again.  He groaned as he dragged himself out of bed and under the steaming hot pricking of the shower.  It soothed his aching back and quelled the initial feeling of sickness at being upright at such a god awful hour.  The last few days of lie-ins had spoilt him, obviously.  In no time, Jared was awake and at least feeling human enough to deal with pouting six year olds who wanted nothing more than to watch cartoons all morning before playing in the garden all afternoon.  Yeah, mornings were the best thing ever.  So long as you could sleep through them.

 

*****

The harsh jangle of the office phone reverberated through Jensen’s head, jerking him awake from yet another nightmare.  He rubbed his face with his hands and scraped them through his hair.  Whoever it was did not sound like they were giving up any time soon.  With a groan Jensen rolled off the couch and scrambled to the desk.

“Hello?” he said gruffly, his voice husky from sleep.

 _“Hey, man,”_ said the relieved voice on the other end of the line.  _“I didn’t know if you’d be in this early.  It’s Nathan.  My goddamned car broke down.”_

“Didn’t I service it a couple of months back?” Jensen asked as he tried to force himself awake.

 _“Yeah, but apparently it didn’t take,”_ replied Nathan harshly.  He sighed in frustration.  _“Look, I’m sorry.  I just.  I’m on the way home from a Mavs game and I have to be in work this morning.  The guys just kept on about how I never hang with them anymore and the next thing I know it’s three am and I’m heading home.  I know it’s a lot to ask but I’m about half an hour out of town.  Can you give me a tow in and fix her up?”_

Jensen sighed in return.  That car should have been in top form after a service from 8-Balls.  He felt his mind slip into the engine, remembering the feel of it, the rumble of the engine, the easy movement of worn in but not worn _out_ parts.  It was actually nice to remember the cars he worked on and not have his memory fogged by alcohol.  His mind was sharper and more focused than it had been for a long time.

“You’re a lucky guy tonight, Nathan,” said Jensen eventually.  Lucky he preferred sleeping in his garage more than his home, lucky he had stopped drinking.  “Tell me where you are.  I’ll get there as soon as I can.”

 _“You are the best, Jensen!”_ exclaimed Nathan in relief.  Jensen noted the town and road.  The poor bastard had broken down so close to home Nathan probably could have walked it, but walking around Texas at that time of night and leaving his car vulnerable, just was not appealing.

Jensen grabbed the keys and glanced at his watch.  Five am.  The bastard was the luckiest son of a bitch on the planet.  If Jensen had known it was the ass crack of dawn when he was on the phone, things may have gone down a whole lot different.  Hell, who was he kidding?  The reputation of 8-Balls was on the line.  No way a car he serviced not two months before was going to break down like that without a very good reason!  Even blind drunk Jensen could put a car back together.  At least he hoped so or some of his customers would be very unhappy in the near future.

 

*****

Jared could feel the eyes boring into him as he left the house.  Every time he stepped outside his door he felt them.  Nausea would rise in his belly and it made him dread crawling out of bed in the morning.  There were times he had looked out and thought…but no.  It could not be true.  Except it was. 

Jared had always known it.  No matter how far he ran or how fast, Tom would find him.  Jensen could not protect him from that no matter how hard he tried.  Tom overshadowed them even if he were a spectre, as real as the morning mist and just as substantial.  No one else had seen him.  He was there in a flash of sunlight, a movement at the edges of his vision, a shadow moving silently in Jared’s wake.  As soon as Jared looked for him, Tom would disappear like a phantom.  Every time he went to tell Jensen, Tom would be gone and Jared would be left once again wondering if he was losing his increasingly tenuous grip on reality.  Anxiety, relief, fear, uncertainty roiled within him, paralysing in their intensity and threatening to drown him the moment his guard was down. 

Every night in his dreams – nightmares - he could see himself trying to tell Jensen.  Sometimes his voice would be gone, stolen away by Tom so his screams and pleas went unheard.  Other times Tom let him have his voice so that he could see the moment Jensen turned from him, the pity and disgust at Jared’s weakness, driven mad by fear.  The only thing Jared could do was hold on to what he had, Beth and Annabel, Jensen, all his friends here in Washford.  They did not know and Jared could not tell them.  All he could do was try not to feel, not to see or hear, then maybe he could keep his life and his sanity.  Tom was there.  He was watching and waiting for Jared to crack and beg forgiveness.  Tom would ask him why he needed to be forgiven and what had he done to earn it.  Jared knew Tom.  He knew the way Tom thought. 

The feel of eyes watching him sent a shiver down his spine as he bent to pick up the toys littering the yard.  Jared glanced up and looked into the street.  The wide gate was the only place anyone could really see into the yard and that was always where the feeling of Tom _watching_ came from.  Jared felt the blood drain from his body as an all too familiar body emerged from the shadows.  Tom stood there in all his glory, beautiful and pristine in his pinstripe pants and black button down.  His hair was perfectly tamed and curling over his ears.  Jared saw the slow smile stretch Tom’s lips and the way they formed the most deadly of words, _“hey baby”_.

That was it.  Jared swayed as he fought to hold back the darkness and Tom vanished as quickly as he had appeared.  Tom was coming.  No more waiting.

 

*****

“Hey, Jeff!” yelled Jensen through the locked diner door.  “Open the damn door!” he called, knocking again.

“Well, good morning to you too, Jensen,” drawled Jeff as he strolled across the diner to let Jensen in.

“Just shut up and pour some that coffee I know you have warm, willing and waiting for me.”

Jeff laughed.  “It’s good to know you don’t just love me for my body.”

Jensen ignored him and groaned in pleasure as the scalding liquid burned its way into his belly.  “You have no idea how much I need this,” he said after nearly downing the whole cup.

“I’ve known you for a while, Jensen.  It’s six am and you’re up.  You’re lucky I even spoke to you without giving you a caffeine IV first,” Jeff retorted as he refilled the cup and poured one of his own.  “Why don’t I tell Chad to whip you up some breakfast and you can tell me why the hell you’re pounding on my door at this time in the morning.”

Jensen nodded as he really took the time to savour the coffee this time.  Jeff’s coffee deserved that kind of respect.  It really was that good.

“Jared my man!” they heard Chad exclaim from the kitchen.  Jensen grinned and steadfastly ignored the knowing look Jeff cast him – he was getting pretty good at it with all the practice - and practically jumped over the counter.  “Hey man, you don’t look so hot.  You okay?”  Chad asked.  Jensen froze, worry taking over.  He could feel Jeff’s eyes on him as the adrenaline kicked in and they both moved for the doors.

Jensen burst into the kitchen seconds before Jeff, just in time to see Jared flying out of the back door, hand clasped over his mouth and looking pale as death.  It was a nightmare.  Jensen could see Jeff out f the corner of his eye.  The tension was etched into the lines of his face as they heard the unmistakable sound of retching coming from out back.

“What the hell happened?” Jeff asked Chad as soon as they realised he was still in the room, looking stupidly at the door Jared had disappeared through.

“I have no idea,” Chad replied, shaking his head and holding Beth and Annabel’s hands as they stared after their father too.  “He came in with these two like usual, looking kinda tired, but as soon as he opened his mouth, he turned green and dived out the door again.  I have no clue what happened.”

“No change there then,” Jensen muttered.  He smiled reassuringly at the girls, “your papa’s gonna be fine,” he said to them as he made his way out to Jared.  They nodded but did not look any less worried.  Jensen wondered how often they had been told that and how often they knew it was a lie. 

Luckily, Jensen had plenty of experience of a sick Jared, so this should be a walk in the park.  “Jared,” he said softly as he ran a gentle hand down Jared’s back before brushing sweaty hair away from his face.  Jared heaved violently a few more times before he managed to get his breath back.

“Get that stuff the fuck away from me!” Jared cried hoarsely, tears and snot and bile dripping down his face as his empty stomach tried to expel itself from him.

“What are you talking about?” Jensen asked puzzled before he realised he still had not relinquished his morning cup of coffee.  Jensen wandered over to the drain and poured the still hot, still delectable liquid away.  Damn, the things he did for that boy.  He had damn near given up coffee altogether when Jared had been pregnant the...first...time...

Jensen gasped and turned slowly as he took in Jared’s hunched and weary form.  The ever so slight rounding of Jared’s belly, his aches and lethargy and the nausea they had both put down to a bout of the flu.  The sudden aversion to coffee and sickness that came on the second he entered the kitchen.  Yeah, Jensen remembered that one too.  There were no fried goods for nearly three months after that.  Even after the morning sickness had faded, Jared did not want to risk going through it again, so Jensen had to suffer through it as well.  Not that he had minded.  A pregnant Jared was easily one of the sexiest things Jensen could think of, on a par with naked Jared, horny Jared, fucked out Jared and, okay, just _Jared_.

“Hey, is he okay?” Chad asked as he poked his head round the door.

“I think so,” Jensen replied absently before another memory hit him.  “Look, can you make up some toast for him?  Nothing on it at all.  Oh, and make sure it doesn’t get anywhere near anything fried or greasy,” Jensen added just as Chad was disappearing inside again.  “Make it in Jeff’s kitchen upstairs if you have to.”

Chad nodded and headed back inside.  Jensen took another moment to get his head together, the day they had visited Alice’s grave and the fiasco at the watering hole flashing through his mind.  It had been about two months ago so it was not impossible that the symptoms would be showing by now.  But it was a lot earlier than before.  About a month earlier.  Jensen felt ice settle around him, chilled from the inside out, sharp shards cutting through him at his very core.  A month.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jensen asked under his breath, but Jared had calmed enough to hear him it seemed.  He staggered a few steps from the puddle of vomit and collapsed against the wall of the diner, thankfully upwind from the smell.

“I didn’t think it was that bad,” Jared replied ruefully.  “Was hoping it would just go away if I gave it enough time.”

“You been to a doctor yet?”

“Come on, Jen.  You know how much I hate that.”

“Damnit, Jared!” hissed Jensen, fists balling at his sides.  “You have to look after yourself.  It’s not just about you anymore!”

“Hey,” Jared said gently as he grasped one of Jensen’s fists and tried to ease the tension there.  He pulled Jensen down into his arms and held him there.  “It’s okay.  I know.  I just didn’t want to worry you.  It’s just a bug, a virus or something.  It’s not that bad, honest.”

Jensen just gaped then.  Was it even possible that _Jared_ did not get this?  Had Jensen read the signs wrong?  Was Jared taking the charade way too far now?  Jensen just could not make it out.  He seemed so genuine.  Could Jared _really_ not know he was pregnant?

“Jay, don’t you...I mean, are you...”  Jensen struggled for the words.  He just did not know how to ask and every word he said – or failed to say – he seemed to make Jared more confused than ever.  “I have to go.”

“Jen, wait!” Jared called after him.  Jensen stopped and took a deep breath before turning back.

“I’m coming back, Jay,” he said softly.  “Go back home and I’ll meet you there.  I just need to grab something.  I’m not leaving you.”

Jared nodded and stared after Jensen as he walked away.  He climbed wearily to his feet and headed back towards the diner before a wave of nausea hit him again.  He took a few steps back and filled his lungs with clean fresh air, untainted by the smell of grease and coffee.

“Beth, Annie,” he called into the kitchen.  “We’re going home.”

Jeff came out with one of the girls holding each hand.  They came straight over to their father and hugged him gently.

“What’s wrong, papa?” Annabel asked, her voice trembling with worry.

“Nothing, Annie.  Promise.  I just feel a little sick still, that’s all.”

“Why don’t I take them off your hands this morning?” Jeff said.  “Give you a chance to recover without these little terrors keeping you busy.”

Beth froze and seemed to shrink into herself.  “We’ll be good, papa.  Promise.  You know how good we can be.  We’ll be so quiet you won’t know we’re there.”

The distress in her voice was disconcerting.  She had obviously been more worried than she had let on.  “I know you can, Munchkin,” said Jared as he knelt in front of the girls.  Nausea swirled through his stomach but he kept it at bay; it was fairly mild at the moment anyway.  “But don’t you think it would be more fun here with Jeff and Chad and Sophia?  I’ll just be lying in bed.”  The mulish expression did not leave Beth’s face.  She really wanted to stay with Jared but none of the adults had a clue what had her so riled.

“And we have that cooking lesson to finish,” Jeff added.  “You still want to replace Chad don’t you?”

The girls giggled as Chad’s voice floated down the stairs.  “Hey!  No one replaces The Chad!”

“See?  Much better than staying home with your boring papa,” Jared said with a smile.  “I’m sure I’ll feel better soon and then I’ll bring you right home.

“If they want to go,” Chad said as he emerged from the kitchen with the toast Jensen had told him to get.

“You are not as charming as you think you are, Chad,” said Jared with a grin.

“Sure I am,” Chad returned.  “Now scram.  It’s no fun teasing you if you’re sick.”

Jared ignored Chad’s last remark and hugged the girls, whispering a few more reassurances before heading back home, unaware of Chad watching him go speculatively, nibbling at the dry toast he had made for Jared.  Things just kept getting weirder now Jared and his daughters had arrived in town.  But at least it kept life interesting.

 

*****

“God, is the entire town up this morning?” Sophia moaned as she pulled on her apron and poured herself a coffee.  “What the hell is up with Jared and Jensen?” she called back to Chad.

“No clue.  I swear the drama never ends,” he sighed but Sophia knew him well enough to hear the concern under the sarcasm.

“They’ll be okay,” she said softly and headed out front to open up.  As she came out into the sunlit diner, the first thing she saw was Misha standing in the doorway.  She could not help the soft smile that curved her lips as she welcomed him in.

“I know it’s early, but please tell me you have some of that amazing coffee ready!” Misha said with a groan as he collapsed onto one of the chairs at the counter.

“What kind of place do you take this for?” Sophia asked archly, trying to hide her smile as she grabbed a cup and the pot of freshly brewed coffee.  “The first pot is always the best.  Made by Jeff himself and he won’t tell anyone what makes it so good!”

Misha groaned at the taste that flooded his senses.  “If ever there was a reason to move here, this is it.”

Sophia giggled and leaned forward.  “So when are you bringing your family down to see what they think.”  Misha’s gaze clouded over and Sophia wished she could take the words back.  She knew heartbreak when she saw it but before she could stutter out an apology, Misha held up a hand and gave her a reassuring smile.  “It’s okay.  It’s just me and my daughter, Melanie.  Her momma left when she was ten and we’ve been muddling along since then.”

“How old is she now?”

“Fifteen.  Bit of a rebel, too.  Got into some trouble at school so she had to make up some summer classes,” Misha said affectionately, like he had no doubt this was a phase she would grow out of, like she was the light of his life.  “She’s staying with her grandma right now.”

“You think she’d like our little town?  I mean, it’s not exactly the most exciting place for a teenager you know.  I grew up here so I know what I’m talking about!” Sophia said with a laugh.

“I think she’ll hate me for a little while, but Washford is an amazing place.  It doesn’t have the glamour of the city but there’s plenty to do and it’s not that far from Dallas.  Besides, it’s the people that make a community worth staying in,” he said softly with a warm smile that made Sophia’s toes curl.

“Sure is,” she breathed.  A loud cough from behind Sophia had her bolt upright with pen and pad in hand before she even thought about it.  She turned and glared at Chad as she got the rest of her things ready for the start of the day.  It would not be too long before more people started coming by for the breakfast rush and, much as she hated it, Chad had probably been doing her a favour by interrupting.

“Besides,” Misha continued as he eyed Chad, still standing in the doorway, jaw clenched and eyes cold as he stared at Misha, “I’m probably going home in a day or two.  I’ve got a job and Melanie already spends too much time away from me.”

“Have a good trip,” Chad said, but it might as well have been _‘don’t let the door hit you on the ass on your way out’_ , before he headed back into the kitchen with one last glare.

 

*****

 _“Hey, man,”_ Nathan greeted as soon as Jensen answered the phone.

“Hey Nathan, what’s up?”

_“Just wanted to see if you’d found out what’s wrong with my car yet.”_

“Oh shit!  Nah, I’m sorry man.  I got a little caught up once I dropped you off.”

_“Yeah, I get it.  I got you up practically in the middle of the night.  It’s just I’m supposed to be heading back to Dallas tonight for some fucking business function or fundraiser or some shit.  Hell, I don’t even know why I still live here, they’ve got me going to the City so much!”_

“Relax, Nathan.  I haven’t got much on this morning.  I’ll check it out and get back to you.  Okay?”

Nathan breathed a sigh of relief.  _“Thanks again, Jensen.  I really appreciate this.”_

“No problem.  Just give me a couple of hours to do my thing and she’ll be purring.”

Jensen cursed under his breath as he moved through the aisles of the general store.  He had been making his way to the family planning section but it only now occurred to him what a monumentally stupid idea that was.  If he bought a pregnancy test here, the whole town would know about it by lunch time.  And now there was no way he could meet Jared as planned.

With a sigh, Jensen flipped open his phone once more.  “Hey Jared,” he said when the call connected.  It was so fast Jensen barely heard it ring his end.  Jared was clearly freaking out about this morning and now Jensen knew he was going to make it worse.

 _“What’s going on, Jen?”_ Jared asked and Jensen could hear the barely controlled panic.  _“Why did you leave like that?”_

“I’m sorry, Jay.  I really am,” Jensen said as he headed into the early morning sun.  “I want to talk to you, was headed over, but something’s come up.  Nathan Jackson’s car broke down and he’s stranded.  I need to fix it up before this afternoon.”

 _“Oh,”_ Jared replied after a beat.  _“I get it.  Don’t worry.  Work comes first.  I, I’ll be waiting when you’re ready.”_

Jensen paused at Jared’s response.  There was something off about it.  But then a hundred borrowed images flooded Jensen’s mind.  Tom.  It always came down to Tom.  “No, Jay.  Work usually comes second but I’d promised Nathan when I picked him up this morning.  It kinda slipped my mind when you were sick.”  Jensen could almost see the nervous nod of Jared’s head as he listened to the younger man breathe down the phone.  “I’ll come by this aftern-, this evening.  I don’t know how long this will take.”

 _“It’s okay, Jen.  Get here when you can.  I, I can make dinner if you want?”_ Jared suggested hesitantly.

“That sounds great, but why don’t you rest up.  Take advantage of no work and no kids for a while.  You looked tired, man, and if you’re sick it’ll help.”  Please let him just be sick, Jensen thought as he hung up the phone.  If Jared really was pregnant Jensen had no fucking clue what to do.


	21. Chapter 19

There was a breeze whistling through the garage that morning, but it did not stop the sweat rolling down Jensen’s back as he worked on Nathan’s car.  It had taken less than an hour to find out the problem, a broken gear box.  Jensen had been sure the thing should have lasted well into the next service period but he had been wrong before.  Still, it made him uncomfortable.  What if he had missed it because of the drink?  Not that he had been drinking a lot right then, but he had not exactly been completely sober either.  His recklessness had put so many people in danger and it made him shudder to think about what could happened to his friends, his customers, even a random stranger that got caught in the crossfire.  
  
To assuage his guilt some, Jensen decided Nathan’s car would get the full workup.  He was going to make sure she ran like a dream in every way possible.  Of course to do that he had to order in a part or drive into Dallas and pick it up.  That’s when the idea hit him.  In seconds he was scrolling through the customer database, phone in hand.  
  
“Hey, Nathan,” said Jensen as soon as Nathan picked up.  “You still need to get into Dallas today?”  
  
“Yeah, man I really do.  Is the car ready then?”  
  
“Well, the good news is I know what it is.  The bad news is I need to grab a part.  The other good news for you is that it’s in Dallas, so I can pick you up and take you to your hotel at the same time.”  
  
Nathan chuckled down the phone, “that would sure make things easier on me.  I need to be in Dallas by six.  Think you can make it?”  
  
“Give me an hour and we’ll head out.”  
  
Jensen held the phone absently for a while before it started making a loud squealing noise.  He winced and hung up quickly.  Useful as it was, that sound was just too damn irritating.  So in an hour he would be on the way to Dallas.  A pick up, delivery and pharmacy stop all in one.  In the anonymity of the city, Jensen could pick up a dozen tests.  He may even be able to persuade Jared to use one.  
  
It was a little after one in the afternoon.  Seven hours since the thought had first entered his mind that Jared might be pregnant.  It would be another seven or eight hours before he would know for sure.  Things were still so fragile between him and Jared.  Jensen had no idea if this would break them even further apart or bring them back together.  One thing he did know was that a flutter of excitement was growing slowly in his chest.  It was like a stab to the heart but at the same time it brought a kind of wonder, excitement and calm.  It made his stomach churn until Jensen felt a pang of sympathy for Jared if this was what he had been feeling these past few weeks.  Even after the hours of soul searching, Jensen still had no idea what to think and it was driving him crazy.  There was no doubt, and it irked him that it was Jeff’s voice in his head, telling him to talk to Jared.  He wanted to.  He would.  As soon as he got back from Dallas.  
  
  
*****  
Misha sat on the bed in his hotel room.  It was all packed up and ready to go.  There was practically nothing to show that he had ever been there.  It was the way he liked to work.  He charmed the targets with some story or other, got everything his clients required and vanished without a trace.  
  
In the long years he had been doing the job, this feeling of melancholy had never hit him.  Maybe he had been doing it too long, maybe he was getting old, but for the first time the job held no appeal to him.  It meant he was getting sloppy.  He was supposed to use people, use Sophia and Sam, even Jared and Jensen themselves.  He had created a lie before leaving San Antonio, but just then in the diner it had been real.  He had used Melanie as a part of his job – something he had vowed never to do again – and it had served no purpose.  
  
Well, at the time it had not.  At the time he was waiting for Mike to okay his return.  It should have been a formality.  Obviously he had underestimated Welling’s influence, that or the depth of his pockets.  Yet another example of how unfocused he was on this one.  Mike had just called.  Misha was stuck here until Welling decided enough was enough.  It was only made marginally better by the fact that Mike was as frustrated as he was.  There were cases piling up back home, cases that needed Misha on them.  There were other investigators in Mike’s stable, but there were certain sensitive circumstances that Mike would trust to no one but Misha.  Like this one.  
  
Misha thought back over his conversations with the people in town.  Every one of them that knew Jared or Jensen had been so worried about them that they could not wait to talk.  Not that they were that open with everyone.  You had to know how to get them started really.  Once you had gained their trust, there was practically nothing they would not confide to a stranger.  Of course that had worked for Glover too.  Misha really should have recognised him.  One short and sensational article in some tabloid rag and Misha was left with distrustful people who were going to start treating him differently.  Like Chad today.  Sure, the guy had not exactly been welcoming before, but the outright hostility had been new.  Though Sophia had not acted any differently toward him – she was still her usual flirtatious self.  
  
Damage control.  That was the key.  He needed to see a few people, gauge reactions and attitudes.  There was no way he could dig for information right now, he just needed to make sure he could in the future.  He also needed a reason to stay in town.  He sighed as he stared at the phone.  It had always been a last resort, not even that.  It was a line he swore he would never cross again.  He could fend off the questions for a day or two more, then another three or four days for his mom to bring Mel down.  God she would hate him if she found out!  His mom already thought him a grade A asshole for the last time he had had to bring Mel into his work.  His own mother had almost disowned him for it.  
  
There was no doubt about it.  This town was fucking crazy.  And it seemed the crazy was fucking contagious.  
  
  
*****  
The diner was quiet now.  A couple of people were finishing off a late breakfast before heading out to get on with the rest of their day.  Sam sat at the counter nursing a coffee and tearing up her bagel while Jeff absently checked the cash register.  
  
“You’re gonna do that all wrong if you don’t concentrate, Jeff,” she said with a small smile.  
  
“I am concentrating,” Jeff said a little sharper than he intended.  
  
“I meant on the job at hand,” Sam retorted wryly but with affection glinting in her eyes.  “Seriously, what’s going on?  Those boys being idiots still?”  
  
Jeff snorted.  “A habit of a lifetime don’t change because we call them on it, Sam.  No, it’s...well, it’s Jared.  He got sick this morning.  Really sick.  Threw up out back even after there was nothing left.”  
  
“Do you know what’s wrong?” Sam asked, concern sharpening her voice.  
  
“No,” Jeff said as he stopped even attempting to count out the cash, his troubled eyes meeting Sam’s for the first time since they started this conversation.  
  
“What aren’t you telling me?” she asked gently but with an edge of steel that made her feared by every troublemaker in the tri-county area.  
  
“Jensen,” said Jeff simply and Sam sighed as she settled back to hear what the boys had been up to this time.  “He came by early and saw Jared.  He almost lost it, looked scared to death.  He’s normally so good with sick people, Sam.  I mean, he doesn’t like it but he keeps it together so well most people wouldn’t notice.  I’ve told you about how he was when my daddy was dying.”  Sam nodded.  Jensen never let sickness faze him, unless it was his own.  “Jensen started getting agitated, even shouted at Jared.  He calmed down a bit but Jared ended up comforting _him_ before he ran off.”  
  
“What?” Sam exclaimed.  “That makes no sense.  Jensen would not do that.  He wouldn’t just run off and leave Jared like that.”  
  
“That’s what I thought, but...” Jeff trailed off again.  “I got the distinct feeling Jensen knew what was wrong.”  
  
“You think it’s serious?”  
  
“I think Jared looked a lot like my dad did in the early stages of chemo,” Jeff said bluntly, his jaw clenched against the remembered pain.  
  
Sam gasped and pinned him with horrified eyes.  “You can’t seriously think-,”  
  
“What else am I supposed to think?” hissed Jeff, cutting her off.  “Jensen saw what dad’s cancer did to all of us.  Do you think he would be able to watch that happen to Jared?  Especially now, like this?”  
  
“I, I don’t know,” Sam stuttered, stunned by the possibilities.  After everything those two boys had been through, could this really be their fate?  
  
“He looked terrified, Sam.  It was li-,” Jeff stopped abruptly as the door chimed.  
  
“Jeff!” called Shirley as she sauntered in, five inch red stiletto heels making her perfectly rounded hips sway enticingly and her cream pencil line dress hugged her curves right down to just below her knees, showing off her tanned and glowing skin.  Perfectly coiffed brown hair fell in soft curls onto her shoulders.  
  
Sam looked over her shoulder and barely contained an eye roll.  The Baxter woman looked as if she had been shopping in Milan rather than just swanning around small town Texas.  It never ceased to amaze Sam how shallow and pretentious the woman was.  How she had managed to work her way through most of the men in town, Sam had no idea.  It looked like someone new was in her sights now and Sam pitied the poor fool.  
  
“I hope I’m not too early for our...lesson,” Shirley drawled as she smiled seductively at Jeff, not even acknowledging Sam’s presence.  Sam watched as Jeff tried not to stare at the artfully exposed yet demure outfit.  She could not believe he was falling for it.  Sam drained her coffee and slammed the cup back on the counter, glaring at both of them.  
  
“Well, you obviously have _better_ things to do, so I’ll just go,” Sam said coldly.  “If you _care_ to continue our discussion you know where I’ll be.”  With that she stalked past Shirley who arched an eyebrow in triumph before heading over to stand possessively close to Jeff.  
  
“So good to see you, Sam.  Sorry you can’t stay.  I think this is going to be a _very interesting_ experience,” Shirley crowed and led a confused and worried Jeff towards the kitchens.  
  
“Sam, wait,” Jeff called after her but she did not turn back.  
  
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Shirley said as she caught Jeff’s crestfallen expression, “did I interrupt something?  I can come back.”  
  
“It’s fine, just...” Jeff trailed off.  What was between Jared and Jensen was their own business and not Shirley’s.  He knew Sam was pissed because of the interruption, but something in the way Sam had looked as she left niggled at him.  She looked hurt.  If there was one thing Jeff would do anything not to see, it was Sam upset.  She did bolshie with the best of them and it just made Jeff love her more, spirited and yet gentle at the core.  “It’s nothing,” Jeff said finally and he turned an over-bright smile on Shirley who practically purred at the attention.  
  
This was more like it.  Get that bitch Ferris out of the way and he was ripe for the taking.  When Sam gave someone the evil eye, half the town was cowed and stayed clear.  It had taken Ferris all of two minutes to size Shirley up and discard her and it would be one of the sweetest triumphs she had ever experienced to take the one thing Sam wanted most and to crush him under her heel.  
  
“It’s obviously something,” Shirley cooed as she manoeuvred Jeff away from the diner kitchen and towards the stairs to Jeff’s apartment, “maybe I could help?”  
  
“Sorry Shirley, but it’s not something I can really discuss,” Jeff said with a shake of his head, finally looking away from the now empty doorway and down at Shirley.  “You came for a lesson in cooking, right?  Well, let’s get to it,” he continued briskly and let the petit brunette lead him upstairs.  
  
Shirley’s face fell and it sent the same, if diluted, sense of disquiet as that look Sam gave him before she left.  She looked preoccupied and a little upset but she turned to him with a bright smile that would have been convincing if it were not for the fact he had caught her previous expression.  
  
“Where do we start?” Shirley asked as she looked around the kitchen.  “I think you’ll soon realise I don’t know a fork from a, a whatever the hell this is,” she continued as she picked up a can opener.  
  
Jeff laughed.  “I think we have a lot to cover if you don’t know what a can opener looks like.  Usually if someone tells me they can’t cook, they are intimately acquainted with the noble can opener!”  Shirley joined him in his laughter and Jeff was glad to see the lingering sadness had gone from her eyes.  “So, what did you want to try and make?  It was something for Ron right?  His favourite meal?”  
  
Shirley turned and faced the array of utensils and spices spread out on the work surfaces.  When she turned back, her eyes glistened slightly and her smile wavered at the edges. “Yeah,” she said thickly and turned away once more.  
  
“What’s wrong?” Jeff asked as he touched her shoulder gently to try and get her to turn back to him.  “You having second thoughts?  ‘Cause you know, it’s a good thing you’re doing, trying to save your marriage.”  
  
“I thought so too, but I don’t think Ron shares our sentiments,” she replied, stubbornly refusing to look at him.

  
“Well, I didn’t want to say this at the time, but,” Jeff paused as he tried to find the right words, “one meal is not going to fix everything.  Maybe it would be better if you went home and tried to talk to him about it.”  
  
Shirley shuddered and bit back a sob as though trying to resist the small amount of comfort that Jeff was providing.  “That’s just it.  He, he said he didn’t want me anymore.  Said he wanted to plough new fields,” she spat the words out bitterly.  “I don’t even know if I have a home to go back to.”  
  
Jeff was at a loss.  He knew Shirley’s reputation was mud and that half of the horn dogs in the county were bragging over bedding her, but now he was forced to wonder if it was some kind of coping mechanism for a painful and loveless marriage.  They had all been so hard on her, especially after Jared had walked in on her trying to have sex with Jensen when he was practically passed out drunk.  He knew how stupid people could be when they were hurting and he did not like to think of _anyone_ upset or in pain and Shirley was definitely that.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Shirley said quietly after the pause lengthened.  “I should go.  This was such a bad idea.”  
  
“No,” replied Jeff quickly, using his hand on her shoulder to stop her.  “Talk to me.  Tell me what happened.”  
  
“It’s the same thing that always happens,” Shirley said sadly.  “We fight over something stupid and say things we don’t mean and do things we regret.”  
  
“What made it different this time?”  
  
Shirley sighed.  “I told him I was trying to change, to be the wife he wanted, the wife he deserved.”  She paused before continuing so quietly Jeff could barely hear her.  “He laughed.  He said a whore like me couldn’t change.  He said one cock would never be enough and he should have learned to pimp me out long ago, then at least I’d earn my keep.”  
  
Jeff could feel the anger welling up inside of him.  He knew Ron.  He was a quiet guy, boring as hell, but Jeff had always thought of him as a fairly decent human being.  Turned out he was wrong.  This was too much to deal with.  Jeff wanted to smash the grey excuse for a man into a pulp.  It was so like the images he had of Jared under that bastard Welling’s hand that the impotent rage the situation left him with was transferred to Shirley’s unwitting husband.  
  
“Do you have family you can stay with?” Jeff asked, barely keeping his anger out of his voice.  He had seen how skittish Jared had been around anyone angry and had no wish to scare the woman into going back to Ron.  
  
“N-no.  They’re all back in Chicago,” Shirley said quietly.  She turned in his arms and let herself be held.  “Jeff, it’s okay.  I’m sure everything will have blown over by now.  He didn’t mean it.  He was just angry.”  
  
“There is no excuse for saying something like that, for treating someone so badly.”  Jeff thought for a moment as he absently stroked Shirley’s hair.  “Stay here,” he said finally.  Shirley raised her head, lips parted in shock as she looked at him.  Jeff held up a hand as he realised what it sounded like.  “You can’t go back to that house tonight.  It’s just until you can find a place or get in touch with your family or something.  You would not believe how comfortable that couch is, if you did you’d be fighting to sleep on it already.”  
  
This raised a watery laugh from Shirley and she hugged him tightly.  
  
“Thanks Jeff,” she whispered as she snuggled further into his embrace.  Shirley allowed herself a quick grin, the soft and weepy expression gone in an instant leaving behind the sharp and hard features she tried so hard to disguise.  The only thing better than this moment, the moment where the fox starts helping the hound, would be to see Sam Ferris’ face as she watched them together.  Of course, if Sam happened to catch them having sex; that might just be sweeter, if a little more crass than Shirley would usually like.  Yes, Sam would appreciate this much more, but maybe it was not a lost cause.  There were many ways to cause someone pain while getting more than a little pleasure out of it.  
  
  
*****  
The feeling was back.  It was an itch between his shoulder blades and it stayed there no matter where he was.  But he knew the instant it disappeared too.  Jared looked for the source of the feeling.  He searched every shadow for the man who was watching him.  Sometimes Jared saw him, sometimes not.  All it served to do was remind him just how crazy he really was.  
  
If Tom knew where he was and who he was with – especially who he was with - there would not be any hesitation.  Once Tom revealed himself, he would come right out and claim what was his.  Of that there was no doubt.  So, why was Jared standing in the middle of the yard in the middle of the afternoon, staring at a vision of Tom at his front gate?  There was no one here to impress, no cameras, no voting public, just Jared.  And yet Tom was looking as if he was unsure of Jared’s welcome.  He had gone mad.  Clearly.  And now the delusion was talking.  
  
“Jared, baby,” Tom breathed almost hesitantly.  “I was so worried about you.”  
  
“You’re not real,” Jared whispered his chest tight, his breathing high and fast.  He was so glad Jeff had the girls right now.  They did not need to see their father cracking up.  Part of him wondered idly if this was part of his illness, now the nausea had all but gone, there were hallucinations instead.  “You can’t be real.”  
  
“I am, baby.  I swear,” Tom said as he opened the gate and walked slowly over to Jared.  Jared fell back a few steps and winced at the flash of anger and betrayal that Tom let slip through his concern.  
  
“You don’t know where I am.”  
  
“I didn’t,” Tom said with a sad shake of his perfect head.  “I saw you being bundled into some stranger’s truck at the hospital when you were clearly out of your mind on drugs.  I thought you’d been kidnapped.  It was all my fault.”  Tom’s voice faltered.  
  
“He’s not a stranger,” Jared said flatly, his eyes blank as he stared at Tom, unblinking.  None of this was real.  It could not be real.  If it was, Jared would not be here waiting for Tom to punish him, it would be happening already.  
  
“I guess not,” Tom said ruefully.  “All I knew was, I saw someone I didn’t know hauling you into a truck when you were barely conscious and the twins fighting him.”  
  
“They didn’t understand,” said Jared quietly.  He still spoke barely above a whisper but the apparition still seemed to hear every word.  
  
“What Jared?” Tom asked intently.  “What didn’t they understand?”  
  
“Why I couldn’t stay.  Why they couldn’t see you anymore.”  Jared felt like he was in a trance.  Tom could not possibly be there in front of him, so calm and understanding.  What did it matter if he finally told Tom the truth?  “You hurt me.”  Jared’s voice wavered along with his fragile control.  Tom’s face fell and Jared was surprised to see the regret there.  Tom never regretted punishing Jared, just the fact that Jared never seemed to learn from it.  This was insane.  
  
“I know.  I tried so hard to help you become a better person.  I know you won’t believe this, but I never wanted something like this for you.  You were so much more than I could have ever asked for.”  
  
“Then why, Tom?  Why did you do it?” Jared pleaded.  Maybe finally he could understand what was so terribly wrong with him.  Or maybe that was what Tom had been trying to tell him all along.  He was worthless.  He only had himself to blame and he had to carry not only his own sorrow, but Jensen’s too.  
  
“It doesn’t matter.  Not now.  Come home with me.  We can work everything out.  It will be better, I promise.”  
  
Jared stayed motionless in the middle of the yard.  Tom was just inside the gate, too far to touch but close enough to grab him before he made it to the house.  What was the right answer?  Two months ago, Jared would have gone with Tom in an instant.  There was a part of him that yearned to be held in the familiar strong arms of his lover, the man that had held him and hurt him for seven long years.  There was comfort there for the taking, old and familiar.  Jared knew what was expected of him if he said yes, no matter what the promises, and the side of him that still needed that kind of guidance and punishment was calling him to Tom.  
  
There were other forces at work now, though.  Other arms he willingly clung to, hands that were gentle and passionate.  He could hear Jeff’s words echoing through his mind _“You’d go back to that poisonous bastard”_   He could see Jensen’s face as he recounted his and Tom’s life together, bad and good.  He saw Jensen’s face this morning, the shock and something else Jared could not quite figure out.  Jensen was expecting him to be home.  He needed to see Jared and after everything that had happened between them, Jared knew he would not disappoint the man he loved.  
  
“No,” Jared breathed and took another step back.  He did not dare look Tom in the eye, but he could not look away either.  His gaze settled on the tense line of Tom’s jaw.  There was no doubt that Tom was pissed, but Jared was more sure than anything that this was where he wanted to be.  “We’re staying here.  For a while at least.”  
  
Tom stood silent for a time and when he spoke, his voice was thick and deep.  “Okay.”  Jared breathed a sigh of relief.  “I’m coming back though.  I want to see you.  I want us to get past this.”  
  
“I’m not sure if we can,” Jared replied as he took another step back.  His voice was still unnaturally quiet but he knew Tom registered every word.  
  
“We can, Jared, and we will.  At the very least I want to see the twins.  I’m their father.”  
  
“No,” Jared said again, refusing to let the waver show in his voice.  “They’re frightened and confused right now.  I’m not going to make it worse for them by letting you come back into their lives only to disappear again.”  
  
“I’m not leaving,” Tom growled as he took a step forward.  “You really think you can just dismiss what we have, wave a hand and forget seven years together?  It doesn’t work like that Jared.”  
  
Jared swallowed tightly and backed up closer to the house.  “I don’t know anything right now, Tom.  Beth and Annie have a routine and people they trust and love here.  I’m not going to rip that away from them when I don’t know what the hell is happening.  They come first.  Always.”  Jared became more confident with every word.  Beth and Annabel gave him a strength he would never otherwise have had.  Jared even felt sure he could have said this to the real Tom if he were standing there right now.  Jared smiled and breathed a sigh of relief as the phantom Tom disappeared once more into shadow, the tingling feeling of being watched gone too.  Maybe he really could do this.  And maybe there was room for Jensen too.  
  
  
*****  
No one raised an eyebrow when Jensen walked into the drug store.  In Washford there was one male pregnancy test to every ten female tests, considering how rare it was and how small a town it really was.  After all this time, the dazzling array of tests spread out before him was as dizzying as the first time.  Every single one claimed to be the best, the earliest, the most accurate on the market.  It hardly helped narrow the field.  When Jared had fallen pregnant they had not known for months.  There was no period to signal pregnancy, just morning sickness, irritability and cravings.  It took a trip to the doctor for them to even consider it was an option.  
  
_“It’s too much, Jay,” whispered Jensen as he stared at the display.  There were three shelves of discretely packaged pregnancy test kits and he had no idea which one to choose._ _  
  
_“Let’s get out of here,” Jared replied quickly, grabbing at Jensen’s arm.  “The doc will get round to this if it isn’t anything else.”_  
  
_“Jay, he told us to find a test and rule it out before he was going to do anything else.  He’s not going to send you to the hospital when it could be something this simple.”_  
  
_“Simple!?  You call this simple?  Next time you get pregnant and we’ll see how simple it is!”  Jared said, his voice rising to a shout at the end.  Jensen noticed the people staring at them and groaned.  It was not too bad in the cities but, in Texas, a man getting pregnant was not something that usually went down too well.  He grabbed one of each test and dragged Jared to the checkout, ignoring his wide eyed shock and stuttered exclamations._  
  
_When they were safely back in the car Jensen leaned his head on the steering wheel and tried to calm his racing heart.  In less than an hour he was going to find out if they were going to be parents._  
  
_“So, how much piss am I gonna need for this lot?” Jared asked as he stared into the bag._  
  
_Almost against his will, Jensen started to laugh and could not stop.__  
  
Jensen could only wish that Jared were with him this time too.  To this day, Jensen was not sure that Jared really understood what had set him off that day, too busy worrying about the results and then washed away in a sea of excitement and plans for the future, their future together.  With a sense of glee, Jensen finally made his decision.  He grabbed a basket and picked one of every single type of test there was.  Ten years had obviously improved the technology because there were at least twice as many as before.  Jared would have a fit when he saw them, but hopefully he would be too busy pissing to be pissed.  
  
Three hours later and Jensen was sitting in his truck outside Jared’s house.  He was cursing the whim that meant he had a passenger seat full of pregnancy tests.  What if he was wrong?  What if he did this and it came back negative?  What would that do to Jared?  Jensen laid his head on the steering wheel and sighed.  This was the worst plan in the history of the world.  Maybe he could just take everything back to Dallas and find a trash can to dump it all in so Jared would never have to find out what a freak he was.  
  
“You planning on staying out here all night?” Jared asked with a smirk as he leaned through the open window.  Jensen jumped and whacked his knee painfully on the dash board.  
  
“Sonova-!” he exclaimed and rubbed tentatively at his rapidly bruising knee.  
  
“Hey, you alright?” Jared asked.  He went to open the door but Jensen lunged for it at the last minute and managed to somehow headbutt Jared, leaving them both groaning.  Jared glared at him as he rubbed his aching head and collapsed into the passenger seat.  Right on top of the plastic bag full of pregnancy tests.  Jensen groaned and waited for the inevitable explosion.  
  
“What the fuck?” Jared exclaimed as he looked at the bag he had awkwardly extracted from beneath him, somehow managing to do so without further incident, though that may have been because Jensen had finally given up doing anything except lean back and wait to get thrown out.  Jared growled as he stared at Jensen’s exposed throat, the way his eyes had closed so the sinfully long lashes brushed his tanned cheeks and his mouth parted slightly.  It reminded him forcefully of the way Jensen looked right after they had fucked, seconds from sleep and looking like a debauched angel.  
  
Jared grabbed Jensen roughly to him and claimed the older man’s mouth, soft yet insistent and brooking no argument on the matter.  Jensen willingly succumbed to Jared’s demands and melted into the kiss, giving back everything he had, but letting Jared take the lead.  He had always loved the moments where Jared’s desire made him forget that he was young and inexperienced.  Jared loved submitting to Jensen – in the loosest possible terms considering he had Jensen wrapped round his little finger when they were younger – but on the rare occasions Jared flipped, Jensen was more than happy to accommodate.  And it looked like tonight was shaping up to be very interesting indeed.  
  
“I hope for your sake that’s condoms and lube in there,” Jared hissed as he finally broke away.  Jensen gasped at the flood of arousal the suggestion sent spiralling through him.  
  
“I think you’re overestimating your staying power, Jay,” replied Jensen with a smirk.  
  
“Come inside and find out,” Jared taunted as he climbed gracefully out of the truck and sauntered towards the house.  It felt good to be in control again.  Tom had finally done something right by Jared, albeit an apparition of Tom rather than the real thing, but still.  Jared had finally realised how much he wanted the life he had made here and he was ready to grab it with both hands.  And by ‘it’ he meant Jensen.  Right now.  
  
Jensen practically fell out of the cab in his haste to get the Jared.  It made Jared giggle to see the usually sure and steady Jensen fall over himself like a horny teenager, but then, they had been fooling around like horny teenagers the entire time they had been together.  Nothing, not even ten years of separation seemed to diminish their need for each other and it made Jared’s heart soar.  
  
When he reached the porch, Jared stopped and turned to Jensen, watching amused as Jensen cursed and turned back for the mysterious bag.  Jared was not kidding.  He really hoped there were condoms.  Lube was actually taken care of given the amount of heated looks and stolen kisses he and Jensen had indulged in – he had been forced to take matters into his own hands a few times.  Jared had forgotten what it was like to want sex so much, want it with every fibre of his being until he hummed with it.  
  
Finally, Jared had Jensen’s full attention again and he slowly pulled his sweat damp tee shirt over his head, making sure every ripple of skin over muscle could be seen.  It almost felt like the first time again, the smell of engine oil and sweat hanging in the air and Jensen standing there, beautiful and perfect.  The difference this time was that he knew exactly what to do to drive Jensen crazy.  He did not have to fear rejection or worry that he was too young or inexperienced for someone as amazing as Jensen.  It was impossible to understand why, but Jared knew without a doubt, Jensen wanted him.  
  
Jensen chased after Jared, stumbling up the steps into the house and tackling Jared onto the couch.  Jared went willingly and let Jensen take what had always been his, whether they had known that at the time or not.  Their tongues twisted together, teasing and tempting before Jared grabbed the back of Jensen’s neck and forced the kiss deeper, stronger, harder.  Jensen groaned and met every thrust of Jared’s tongue with one of his own.  
  
Their hands were everywhere at once, gliding over silky skin and ripping at clothes.  They wanted nothing more than to feel the glide of skin on skin, to reconnect on the most basic level and clothes were definitely in the way for that.  
  
Jensen wrenched his mouth away from Jared’s and began to bite and suck on Jared’s neck, remembering just how much Jared loved the sting of teeth right at the juncture of neck and shoulder.  More than a few times he had seen Jared run his hands over the marks Jensen made on his skin, savouring the slight soreness, sometimes liking it enough to drag Jensen back to bed, but that was nothing unusual either.  It had the desired effect this time too.  Jared writhed under him and moaned wantonly, digging his nails into Jensen’s back and leaving scratch marks that would linger for days.  
  
Once the mark on Jared’s neck was purpling he pulled away and worked lower down, pulling and sucking on Jared’s nipples.  Jared hissed at the sharp sensation.  It was too much too soon for such hard handling of his chest so he pulled Jensen back up to his mouth, plunging his tongue in without hesitation.  Jensen bit down on his lip and tugged it gently, dragging another moan from Jared.  It was amazing how well Jensen remembered every single thing that drove him crazy.  God, he loved it!  Jensen moved down yet again, licking the mark he had made and sorely resisting the temptation to make another and another so that no one could mistake that Jared was Jensen’s; that they belonged together.  He moved back to Jared’s nipples, but made sure to lave at them gently, running the flat of his tongue over the peaks and swirling over the surrounding skin.  He traced the soft lines of Jared’s abdomen and circled the dip of his belly button with his fingers until he reached the waistband of Jared’s boxers, the rest of their clothes had been yanked off as soon as was possible.  Jared was hard and straining against the soft material, arching up into Jensen’s mouth as his hands moved over the soft skin of his hips and thighs.  The sensations were swirling through Jared, his chest feeling hot and full from the attention Jensen was paying to them while his hands played Jared like a maestro, touching everywhere but where Jared craved it most.  
  
“Please,” Jared whispered.  
  
Jensen raised his head and looked at Jared with lust blazing in his eyes, “can’t hear you, Jay,” he said, the words gusting air onto the saliva slicked skin and causing his nipples to tighten further.  
  
“Please, Jen,” moaned Jared, aching up in a vain attempt to get more friction.  “Please, I need you to touch me.”  
  
“God, you don’t know how much I want you right now,” Jensen groaned as he practically tore the boxers from Jared’s body.  The sight of Jared’s cock, bouncing against his stomach, red and erect and waiting, was too much to bear.  Jensen swooped down and captured the tip in his mouth, savouring the taste that burst onto his tongue, lapping at the leaking slit and probing there.  Jensen could feel Jared’s hands clenching in his hair, not pulling or pushing but more a way to keep grounded.  Jensen grinned to himself as he licked the shaft.  He pulled back to admire Jared’s flushed and glistening body as he tossed his head back, lost in the sensations Jensen was creating in him.  Jensen ducked his head and took Jared’s cock fully in his mouth, nearly choking himself in the process but remembering just in time, the tricks he had learnt so he could do this.  
  
Jared was buried in Jensen’s throat and he swallowed just as he rolled Jared’s balls with one hand and brushed a finger over his entrance with the other.  That was all it took.  After so long without a welcome touch, fighting against the pain to get his pleasure, Jared could not hold on.  He came hard and fast in Jensen’s mouth, unable to draw breath to warn Jensen it was coming.  
  
Jensen felt the pulsing release shooting down his throat and he hummed in satisfaction, drawing another shout of pleasure from Jared’s lips.  He loved the taste and feel of Jared in his mouth.  It was like coming home.  It was how their time at the watering hole, when everything had gone to hell, should have been.  
  
When Jared started to arch away from his touch, Jensen released his spent cock and balls but he did not stop the gentle massage of his hole.  Jared hummed in contentment, loving the feeling of pressure that promised so much more.  Even though he was spent, Jared longed to feel Jensen inside of him, filling him completely.  
  
“Lube.  Bag or bedroom?” Jared gasped out as he rocked his hips into Jensen’s touch.  
  
“Bedroom,” Jensen replied without hesitation.  Not least because he wanted them to be in a proper bed for this.  It was not often they made it to one when they got caught up like this, but Jared deserved more than a quick fuck on the couch.  If he had known what would happen, Jensen would have arranged for candles and roses and romantic music, even if it was fifty-fifty whether Jared would be pissed at being treated like a girl or love it completely.  
  
Jensen was up and running before Jared had half his brain working but he was soon hot on Jensen’s heels and tackled him onto the bed as soon as the lube was clutched in his hand.  They kissed heatedly, Jensen’s cock rubbing insistently along the cradle of his pelvis.  Jared could feel his own cock trying to get hard again but he was in no mood to wait for it.  The blow job had been more than enough foreplay and Jared had no doubt he would catch up with Jensen soon enough.  
  
They fumbled for the small tube until Jensen managed to get it open and slather his fingers.  Jensen’s finger slipped right in without resistance, Jared felt a pang as he realised he was not as tight as he used to be.  What would Jensen think of him now?  Maybe he really was the slut Tom told him he was.  
  
Jensen saw Jared’s face cloud as he moved his finger smoothly in and out of Jared.  It was amazing he was as tight as he was after the abuse Tom had put him through.  “You’re amazing, Jay.  Letting me do this, letting me in.  You feel so good, baby.”  
  
Jared stilled and the colour ebbed from his face.  “Please don’t.  Don’t call me that.  Don’t bring him in here.  Not now,” Jared begged on a whisper.  
  
The words froze Jensen to his very core.  What had he said?  What had he done?  He slowly pulled his finger out of Jared and held him close.  “I’m sorry, Jay.  Just tell me what I did.  Please.”  
  
“He, he always called me baby when he was being affectionate,” said Jared with a twist to his beautiful face.  “I don’t want him here with us.  I chose you.  I’ll always choose you.”  
  
Jensen pulled Jared’s head up and kissed him tenderly, almost chastely.  “It’s just us here.  No one else.  He’s not here.  He can’t hurt you.  I’m yours.”  With that, Jensen laid back and pulled Jared up to straddle him.  He put Jared in control to do as he wanted.  
  
“Open me,” Jared asked as he ran his hands lightly over Jensen’s skin making him shiver with desire.  “Open me up for you.  Remind me how it was.”  
  
Jensen captured Jared’s lips once more and slid his finger back inside.  He crooked it and gently caressed Jared’s prostate, causing Jared to moan and grind down against Jensen’s cock.  He could feel the twitch of interest Jared’s dick showed at the touch.  It did not take long for Jensen to bury three fingers inside Jared.  Every step of the way he kissed and caressed Jared’s body, not allowing a moment of pain to intrude upon their time together, paying special attention to Jared’s prostate until the younger man was once more hard and aching.  
  
“Please, Jen,” begged Jared as he writhed on Jensen’s fingers as the pumped in and out.  “I need you in me.  Please.  Now.”  
  
“God, yes!” Jensen breathed and withdrew his fingers despite the whine of protest Jared gave.  It always made Jensen want to laugh that Jared would beg for Jensen’s cock but still be upset that his fingers were gone.  Despite this, he still managed to lube his cock and position it for Jared to slide down at his own pace.  He could see Jared’s thighs straining with the effort to stay up and sweat was beading all over his skin.  He was the most beautiful thing Jensen had ever seen and the awe he had felt the first time they had done this had never gone away.  
  
As soon as he felt the spongy head of Jensen’s cock at his entrance, Jared groaned and sank down in one long stroke.  Jensen threw his head back at the sensation and Jared gasped as he felt Jensen fill him.  It was so different from Tom.  There was no comparison.  The stretch was welcome and added a spice to the feeling that had always been missing with Tom, even when the sex wasn’t all about pain.  He felt complete for the first time in ten years and it was enough to bring tears to his eyes.  
  
Jared rocked his hips against Jensen’s, small, gentle movements to get used to the feeling.  Jensen tugged Jared’s head down and crushed their lips together, the slide of their tongues mimicking their hips.  The added friction to Jared’s cock drove him wild and soon he was fucking down on Jensen’s dick with abandon.  Jensen’s hips snapped in the same rhythm, his fingers gripping Jared’s thighs as though he would never let go.  Every stroke of Jensen’s dick inside him, pounding into his prostate without fail, sent him spiralling higher.  He screamed out in ecstasy as his orgasm hit him, once again with little warning and far too soon.  His muscles clenched around Jensen, milking his cock without mercy and causing Jensen to cry out as he came hard.  Jensen’s hips thrust into him again and again until every ounce of pleasure had been pulled from them, leaving them drained and gasping.  Jared collapsed half on top of Jensen and hissed as Jensen’s softening cock slipped free.  He felt sore and open but it was the most amazing thing he had ever experienced.  If he never left the bed again he would die happy.  
  
There was a strange sensation between his cheeks.  Jared could feel it more as he came down from his sex high.  He knew that feeling.  He remembered feeling it before.  He remembered it from when he got pregnant the first time, the blissful feeling of Jensen surrounding him and filling him even after he had pulled out.  He had laughed in embarrassment when Jensen had rubbed his ass cheeks, pulling them apart and pushing them together to pump more of his come out of the red and gaping hole.  
  
_“I want to lick you clean just so I can get you dirty again,” Jensen said in his lust deepened and gravelly voice.  It sent a tingle down Jared’s spine and made the heat coil in his belly even though he would not get hard again for at least a few minutes.  “I love seeing you like this.  Mine.  Beautiful.  You’re full and open for me and I’m the only one that knows it.”  Jared groaned.  Maybe a few minutes was an overestimate considering how the words and Jensen’s touch was making his cock twitch.  “I could fuck you again right now.  Wouldn’t need any lube you’re so wet already.”  Jensen dipped his thumbs into Jared’s hole as he continued to massage Jared’s ass.  The come was dribbling down his balls now, hot and sticky.  “You want that, Jay?  You want me to fuck you and send you away wet?”_ _  
  
_Jared moaned and thrust back into Jensen’s hands, driving his thumbs in deeper.  “God, yes.  Please Jen.  Fuck me.”__  
  
Jared remembered similar words falling from Tom’s mouth time and again but for once it did not touch him.  Jensen spoke softly and with a reverence that took Jared’s breath away.  He always spoke as though he could not believe he got to have this and every filthy word was an affirmation.  It took a lot to fight the smile that wanted to break free.  That was the day he had gotten pregnant with Alice.  Both of them had been unaware that Jared was one of the few fertile men left.  Now they did not have that excuse.  
  
“Dude, I have come leaking out of my ass.”  Jensen hummed in approval and moved his hand to play with Jared’s asshole and feel the sticky evidence of what they had done.  But Jared slapped him away, the smile threatening to break free again.  “I told you to wear a condom!”  
  
“Doesn’t matter,” Jensen murmured, already feeling sleep overtake him.  
  
“What do you mean it doesn’t matter?  It’s not you that gets pregnant, it’s me,” Jared retorted, almost yelling.  
  
“Mmmm,” Jensen murmured happily and he started rubbing Jared’s stomach.  “Starting to show.  Can feel it,” he said almost incoherently.  It was really hard to focus after sex like that.  Something was telling him this conversation was not going the way he had planned but he was in bed with Jared after world altering sex.  Surely he was allowed to sleep without being pestered like this.  
  
“What?” Jared asked, confused.  
  
Jensen started to focus a little more, though the floaty feeling still blocked that nagging place in the back of his head.  “I think you’re pregnant.  Sick, sore, no coffee, mmm, baby bump,” Jensen hummed as he stroked Jared’s belly again and grinned into Jared’s chest.  
  
“You think I’m what now?!?” Jared screeched as he bolted upright.  Oh yeah, thought Jensen as he hit the floor.  There really were better ways to do this than half asleep after unprotected sex with a man that could get pregnant.  Jensen groaned and slowly got off the floor and tried to shake off the rest of his post sex haze.  
  
This was going to be a long conversation.

 


	22. Chapter 20

The phone rang for so long Misha was not sure if anyone was going to pick up.  He really was going to have words with his daughter.  He had always taught her, never go anywhere without a cell phone.  Never be out of touch because anything might happen.  In his job he saw far too much heartache caused by such a simple thing as not having the ability to call someone to get you out of trouble.  And what was his mother doing, letting her go out without it.  Not that he could complain to her considering what he was about to do, but it might allow him some breathing room.  
  
“Hello?” Melissa said when she finally answered, out of breath and mildly irritated.  
  
“Hey honey,” Misha replied with a smile.  He never could stay mad at her.  
  
“Dad?”  
  
“Yeah.  So, what exactly were you doing without your cell to hand?” he asked, injecting a stern note into his voice.  He could practically hear the eye roll down the phone.  
  
“I was in the shower, dad.  I’m standing in the middle of my room dripping wet right now so could you tell me why you’re calling?” Melissa replied in exasperation.  
  
“So I need an excuse to catch up now?”  
  
“I know your routine better than I know my own, dad.  You’re due to call tomorrow, not today.  What’s up?”  
  
“I wondered if you wanted to come to Texas for a visit.  I haven’t seen you in forever, I’ve been so busy with work.”  Misha felt like the worst kind of schmuck for lying like this, but it would be worse if she knew he was using her.  At least there was truth in the lie.  He really did miss her.  Mike kept him so busy he rarely got to spend quality time with his family.  
  
“Don’t dad,” Melissa replied sadly.  “Don’t make stuff up to convince me.  I know you’re working.”  
  
“I’m not lying, Mel.  I do miss you.  I just need you here right now, too,” Misha said earnestly as he squirmed in his seat.  It was the truth but that did not stop the knot of apprehension coiling in his gut.  “I know it’s my fault we don’t get to spend any time together, work’s so crazy, but let me try to see you more than once every few months.”  
  
“You’re working and you ask me to come visit?” Melissa asked but continued without waiting for the answer.  “Grandma’s gonna kill you.”  
  
“I know,” Misha sighed.  “Will you come?”  
  
“Leave California, leave my friends and come bake in the Texas summer heat with my dad after missing most of the summer making up classes I’ll never need?  At least I’ll get a better tan than everyone else.”  
  
“Thank you, honey,” Misha said, relieved.  “I’ll organise everything and send you the details.  I love you, Mel.”  
  
“Love you too dad.  When are you gonna tell grandma?”  
  
“Um, never?”  
  
“Coward,” laughed Melissa.  
  
“When it comes to your grandma, always.”  Misha smiled  as he heard his daughter’s tinkling laugh.  “And don’t think I didn’t notice the crack about school.  We’ll be talking about that when you get here,” he said sternly.  
  
“Yeah, whatever,” Melissa sighed as they disconnected.  
  
Everything was falling into place.  He should be satisfied if not content to bring Melissa into all of this.  His cover would be secure and he would be closer to bringing this case to a close and going back to San Antonio to tell Mike he needed a break.  But there was something off about this whole thing.  He could not help worrying what he had brought his daughter into.  What else was going to happen before this case was over, before Welling finally stopped.  
  
  
*****  
  
“You think I’m _what_ now?!?”  
  
Jensen’s eyes flew open when Jared shrieked in his ear.  _Oh God_ , he thought as full awareness came back with a vengeance.  He rubbed a hand over his face.  This is why sex with Jared should be outlawed, or at least regulated.  It destroyed the capacity for thinking of any rational human being.  Really, it was all Jared’s fault when you thought about it.  
  
“My fault?” Jared said with a mixture of outrage and hurt in his voice making it break.  Jensen groaned.  Had he really said that out loud?  Sex with Jared, the root of all his problems – and the best moments of his life, a voice in the back of his head chimed in.  
  
“Not what I meant, Jay,” Jensen said softly, pulling Jared into his arms despite his resistance.  “You make me crazy.  I can’t resist you.  Ever.  I wanted to talk to you, but then you’re all over me and I can’t think straight.  All I know is that I want you in my arms, in my bed, as soon as humanly possible.”  
  
“I know the feeling,” Jared replied ruefully, finally allowing himself to melt back into Jensen’s embrace.  
  
“Jay, did it never occur to you that the sickness and the aversion to coffee and grease meant something?  When we were at the lake I couldn’t keep my eyes off you.”  Jared blushed and snuggled closer, kissing the smooth skin of Jensen’s neck.  “Not helping,” Jensen groaned as he carded his fingers through Jared’s hair.  Jared laughed but sobered quickly.  
  
“My weight.  You noticed I’d gained weight,” he said softly.  “I just thought it was because I wasn’t working out so much.”  
  
“Jay, you never stop moving.  I think, if you couldn’t get pregnant, there would be no way in hell for you to get a belly.  It just would not happen.  But yeah, I noticed.  I couldn’t stop thinking about when you were pregnant with Alice.  My fingers were itching to stroke you there, to feel the bump under my hands.”  Jensen paused and held Jared tighter for a moment.  “I, I thought I was sick.  Wishing you pregnant because I missed you so much, missed Alice,” Jensen’s voice broke on the last words, the lump that had been in his heart rising into his throat.  
  
“But you weren’t,” Jared said softly.  The pieces all fit.  It was like a kaleidoscope that had been turned and suddenly he could see the truth.  “What’s in the bag?” he asked even though he knew.  
  
“Pregnancy tests.”  
  
“How many did you get?” Jared asked incredulously as he moved off the bed to retrieve the bag.  
  
Jensen’s lips quirked as he tried to suppress his smile.  “One of each.”  
  
“Ever the traditionalist,” Jared said with a small smile.  
  
  
*****  
  
Tom watched from the shadows as Jared, _his Jared_ , dragged Jensen into the house.  It was a disgusting display.  And Jensen, he was being led round by his dick like a horny fourteen year old who had just discovered what it was for.  To think he had respected the man, even a little bit, for the way he had handled the fucking journalist.  It was a joke.  If Jensen could not keep Jared’s whorish ways in check he did not deserve to keep him.  Not that he had ever thought Ackles deserved Jared.  You could not keep someone like Jared satisfied by fucking him whenever _he_ wanted.  You had to show him who he belonged to, what he was for.  Only then could you mould him into a man fit for society.  It was what he had been trying to do for so long and now all his progress had been lost.  
  
Jensen Fucking Ackles.  The bane of his existence, even before he had set eyes on the man.  Tom glared at Jared on the porch, his skin glistening in the early evening light.  It was not Jared’s fault.  It was his nature.  He could not help what he was.  And Tom could still turn things around.  He just had to get Jared away from Jensen.  Soon.  
  
  
*****  
  
The bar was full.  The good kind of full where everyone was talking quietly, relaxing with friends over a few beers, country flowing from the jukebox, though if Kane put Johnny Cash’s entire best of album on _again_ , Sam was going to throw him out.  Proud to be Country was one thing, but cliché was another.  
  
Alona was pulling beers at the other end of the bar, flirting shamelessly with Chris while he tipped his hat at her, his long hair framing his face artfully.  Sam held back a snort of laughter.  The boy sure knew what he was doing and Alona was lapping it up.  She would have to talk to the girl about falling for men like that.  Not that there was anything wrong with Chris, nothing a little rejection would not cure anyway.  
  
Despite all this, Sam could not stop thinking about earlier with Jeff.  She had spent the day balancing the books – as well as she could if Jeff ever paid his enormous tab – and doing stock checks, placing orders and paying bills.  As a method of distraction, it proved woefully ineffective.  She kept thinking back to the way she had reacted when Shirley had turned up.  Of course Jeff had told her about the ‘cooking lesson’ – she had no problem using air quotes in her head – and if that Baxter woman really wanted a ‘cooking lesson’, Sam would sell Six Flags and move to Nova Scotia.  It had just been such a shock.  Thinking about Jared and all he had been through only to have to cope with something like cancer too.  And Jensen, he had been there for every moment of Jeff’s father’s illness.  To lose a baby was bad enough, to experience something as horrific as the abuse Jared had gone through and then to have to deal with this too.  No, Sam could not get her head round it even now.  Jeff had dropped his bombshell and then Shirley had swept in before she could process what was happening.  The timing could not have been worse.  
  
It had only taken one glance at the woman before Sam knew she would not be able to stay in the same room as her.  Part of Sam yearned for Jeff to tell the bitch to get lost.  Jensen and Jared were far more important than Shirley’s need to ‘reconnect with her husband’ after screwing most of the state of Texas.  Sam was actually surprised Shirley’s legs could close at this point, but at least none of Sam’s boys were fucking her.  At least she hoped not.  The image of Shirley curled round Jeff like a boa constrictor at the diner flashed through her head.  Sam reminded herself that Jeff was smarter than that.  He would not be fooled by a fake smile and a sob story.  But then, for all his astuteness, Jeff could be blind when faced with sad eyes and a good enough line, especially if it was a woman.  It infuriated and amused Sam just how much like an Arthurian knight Jeff could be, a gruff and scruffy Arthurian knight, but still.  Most of the time Jeff had the sense to know if he was being taken for a ride but sometimes, someone slipped in and played him for a fool.  It had happened twice in the time Sam had known him and she was damned if she would let it happen again.  
  
Sam looked back to where Alona was still flirting with Chris.  She was lucky no one else wanted serving or there would be trouble.  Sam was not distracted enough to let that kind of thing slide.  
  
“Alona,” she called over to the woman.  Alona jerked away from Chris and tried to look busy with her bar cloth.  Sam barely contained a snort of amusement.  The girl acted like an eight year old sometimes, especially when she knew she was in trouble and why.  Alona dropped the pretence the second she saw Sam’s arched eyebrow and headed over.  “How’s the evening been shaping up so far?” she asked evenly.  
  
“Busy but quiet.  Been the same all afternoon.  Seems like everyone came in to escape the heat and never left,” Alona replied as she cast a look back as Chris who was draped along the bar, facing out to the crowd.  
  
“You think you can cope on your own for an hour or two?”  
  
“Sure, been coping all afternoon,” Alona replied.  Sam ignored the unasked question that hung between them.  It was out of character for Sam to lock herself away all day to do the boring jobs when she did not have to.  It was even more unusual for her to disappear entirely on a good night.  Sam loved running a bar, loved talking to regulars and people who were just passing through alike.  It was the reason she kept it when her dad decided to retire.  Alona knew that, hell the whole town knew, but the girl was canny enough not to press for answers, no matter how belligerent she may be on occasion.  
  
“Thanks.  And take tomorrow afternoon off.  You did good today.”  
  
Alona beamed at the praise and cast a sly glance at Chris who had not budged from his position at the bar, the only movement he made was a long slow pull of his beer.  Alona watched and smiled in anticipation.  Sam allowed herself a small smile as she grabbed her jacket.  She wondered if Chris knew what he was getting into.  
  
  
*****  
  
“Here,” Jeff said as he handed her a shirt.  It was huge and, ugh, flannel.  Shirley plucked it from his grasp with what she hoped was a grateful smile.  The guy could not have a silk shirt lying around he could offer her?   She had ruined one of her favourite dresses by _accidentally_ spilling the sauce Jeff was showing her all over it.  And now flannel.  Part of her was wondering if it was all really worth it.  
  
“Thanks,” she said as she smiled sweetly at him and took the offending material like he had saved her life.  
  
“I’ll head outside to let you change.  Hand out the dress when you’re ready and I’ll see if we can’t get it clean.”  
  
Shirley nodded and half wished Jeff had seemed at least a little reluctant to leave her.  She wanted him to try and watch her, offer to help, anything other than gallantly allowing her her modesty.  Still, she slipped off her ruined dress, consigning it to the fire in her mind, and slipped into the shirt – just the shirt.  It reached almost to mid thigh and showed off her legs beautifully.  The fabric was surprisingly soft and rubbed across her bare skin almost as nicely as silk did.  
  
After a moment of examining herself in the mirror, Shirley ruffled her hair into artful disarray and headed out of the bedroom.  Jeff was in the kitchen filling the sink with some concoction or other and the chemical odour assaulted her delicate sense of smell.  She padded over to him and draped herself along his back to peer round him.  Jeff jumped in surprise but quickly controlled the reaction and moved to allow some space between them.  
  
“What’s this?” she asked even though she had a pretty good idea.  Her dress was definitely dead now.  No way it could stand the harsh chemicals Jeff was going to throw at it.  
  
“A little brew of my own.  You have no idea how many times I’ve had to use it over the years,” Jeff replied with a grin.  “It can get rid of almost anything but it’s surprisingly gentle too, despite how it smells,” he added, pulling a face at the odour.  
  
“I trusted you this far I guess,” Shirley said hesitantly and in seconds the beautiful silky dress was submerged, burning up in a haze of Jeff’s cleaning product.  
  
“Great.  That needs to soak for about a half hour.  I’m gonna grab a shower and then I have to get back to the diner.  God knows what Chad and Sophia have turned the place into since I’ve been up here.”  
  
Shirley chuckled and shooed him out of the room.  “I’ve got a TV and some food.  I’ll be fine,” she said but her mind as already yawning at the boredom awaiting her.  
  
Jeff had been in the shower ten minutes when Shirley was rescued from her stupor by the most unlikely of sources.  Sam Ferris was standing in the doorway of Jeff’s apartment.  Shirley could have laughed at the shock and horror on the woman’s face.  Shirley had made herself comfortable.  She had a glass of whisky in her hand as she reclined on the couch, her limbs arranged artfully, the shirt riding even higher on her thighs, just waiting for Jeff to emerge.  
  
“What the hell..?” Sam bit out.  
  
“Oh, hi Sam,” purred Shirley as she sat more upright and stretched languorously.  “I must have dozed off.  It’s been quite the eventful afternoon.”  
  
“Really,” Sam said archly but the pain was right there for Shirley to see and it was sweet.  “And where’s Jeff?”  
  
“In the shower.  Said he needed to clean up before he went back to work.”  Shirley allowed her satisfaction to bleed through into her voice.  She knew Sam would misinterpret the sound.  “I could go get him if you want,” she offered and smirked as she rose swiftly.  The anger pulsing through Sam was almost enough for Shirley to take a step back but she held her ground.  It was the almost complete devastation in Sam’s eyes that showed her what she needed to know.  Sam would never forgive Jeff for this.  She had finally severed the meddling bitch from one of her cubs.  One by one they would all fall and Sam would be left alone.  Alone in that fucking bar and her cold bed and Shirley could not wait.  
  
Without another word, Sam turned and walked away.  
  
“Sam?” Jeff’s gruff voice came from behind Shirley and she turned to look.  Jeff was standing in his towel, dripping over the carpet.  Sam stopped momentarily but slowly turned away again.  She straightened her shoulders and walked away.  Shirley took a moment to reflect that tears would have been nice, but she reminded herself, you can’t have everything.  
  
  
*****  
  
Jared sat in the small bathroom and waited.  Last time he had done this with Jensen, they had watched the little sticks for half an hour, never taking their eyes off them or their hands off each other.  This time Jared was alone.  By choice.  He wanted nothing more than for Jensen to hold him through this, but it was not Jensen’s problem anymore, not that it was a problem then.  With Alice they had been so excited – once the initial panic had died down – now he was full of dread.  
  
The plan had been to sever ties with Tom completely.  At least for now.  Jared would start leading his own life again, safe and happy, preferably with Jensen involved somehow.  Now he could never ask for that.  He could never ask Jensen to accept Tom’s child.  Not only would it be too much to ask of anyone in these circumstances, but it would also put him in so much danger.  If Tom ever found out Jared was pregnant again, and there was no way he would not, there was nothing Tom would not do to get him back, to get his child.  
  
Jared could hear Jensen pacing on the other side of the door.  It would stop for a few moments and then start again.  Jared could picture him, all nervous energy and indecision.  He could tell Jensen just wanted to burst in and hold Jared, almost had on at least three occasions, regardless of what Jared had asked for.  It was almost enough to make him smile.  Almost.  
  
The alarm on Jared’s phone beeped at him.  Time was up.  All of the tests should be ready to tell him yes or no.  But he already knew.  He did not need a test, or even a dozen tests, to know the truth.  It was written in his body as clear as day.  He knew the signs intimately but had not let himself see them until Jensen had ripped the blinkers from his eyes.  Now there was no escaping.  
  
“Blue line.  Blue line.  Blue line.  Pregnant.  Pregnant.  Pregnant.”  It was like a drumbeat in his head.  Every test held the same answer.  Pregnant, pregnant, pregnant.  Tears began to drip down his face in time with the chant.  Pregnant.  Tom’s child.  Tom, who would never let Jared go again.  The sobs came harder and faster as it sunk in.  He was pregnant and Tom would be coming.  
  
Jared was lost in his despair when he felt strong arms around him.  He struggled at first, scared that it was Tom come to claim him and not wanting to be comforted, not now.  
  
“Jay, it’s okay,” Jensen whispered in his ear.  “We’re together.  We can get through this.  Please just let me help you.”  Jared leaned into the touch, taking solace in the only place he had ever found it.  
  
“Tom’s going to find me, Jen,” said Jared brokenly.  “He won’t stop now.  Not ever.”  
  
“You talk like he already knows.  He doesn’t have to find out, Jay.”  
Jared just laughed, an edge of hysteria to the sound.  “How long do you think we can hide it?  Another couple of months and I’ll be showing enough everyone will see.  Nothing will keep him from his child, Jen.  No power on this earth.”  
  
“He’s not looking for Beth and Annie,” Jensen protested and earned another sour laugh from Jared.  
  
“Jen, you’re not stupid,” Jared admonished gently, “of course he is, but we’ve been careful so far.  That article will bring him here soon, though and even if it doesn’t, as soon as I start seeing a doctor, Tom will track it down.”  Jared’s voice was blank in a way it had not been since the crash that had taken his family.  Jared was folding in on himself, withdrawing from the world and Jensen could not bear to see it again.  
  
“Jay,” he said hesitantly, almost scared to voice the fragile hope he had been nursing.  “It could…I mean,” Jensen stopped again before taking a deep breath and trying one last time to force out the words he both hoped and dreaded were true.  “That day we visited Alice and we went to the watering hole,” Jensen tailed off, not sure how to continue.  
  
“What?” Jared asked.  What was Jensen trying to tell him?  
  
“We, we didn’t use…I mean it all happened so fast.  It could…Do you think the baby could be...mine?”  
  
Jared stared at Jensen for a long moment.  He remembered that day so clearly.  He had gone home with Jensen’s come dripping out of his ass, sore and ashamed.  There had been literally nothing between them, no lube, no condom.  Jared felt hope ignite deep within him.  Could he be carrying Jensen’s child?  After all this time, were they finally allowed to have it all?  He tried to quell the feeling, but it would not be halted.  
  
Jared grinned at Jensen and saw the answering joy reflected back at him.  They kissed, hot and hungry but pure.  Jared wanted this more than anything he could ever remember wanting.  That thought was the one that scared him most.  It did not matter if Jensen was the father.  Tom would never believe it.  He would hunt Jared down and take what he thought was his.  He would destroy Jensen with a flick of his hand and never look back.  Jared slowly pulled back, his heart breaking all over again.  
  
“It doesn’t matter.”  
  
“What do you mean?  It’s everything we wanted, Jay.  We can be a family,” Jensen said earnestly.  
  
“Do you really think Tom will let us have that?  Even if you could be the father, and we can’t be sure, do you think for an instant that Tom would accept it?”  
  
Jensen paused, anger surging through his veins.  “It doesn’t matter.  I won’t let him touch you or the girls ever again.  He doesn’t get to hurt you anymore, Jay.”  
  
“And if it’s not yours?” Jared asked quietly.  “Do you still want that?  Can you take me and my children knowing they’re his?”  
  
“How can you ask me that?” Jensen growled as he pushed away from Jared and started pacing in the tiny space.  “I love those girls.  I never _once_ treated them differently because of their father and what he did to you.  I love them so much.  They’re loving and good because of _you_.  It doesn’t matter who their other father is.  All I want is to be part of your life, Jay”, said Jensen as he knelt in front of Jared and took his hands.  “I’d never let something like that get in the way.”  
Jared sobbed in relief and reached for Jensen, silently asking forgiveness.  “It’s only going to get worse, Jen.  I don’t get the happy ending.”  
  
“That’s because the story’s not over yet,” Jensen whispered and they clung together, wishing it was true and that they would be able to build a family together.  Jared had only ever wanted one thing – Jensen – and now, finally, he might just get to have it.


	23. Chapter 21

Sam shut herself in the back room when she stalked back to the bar.  She ignored Alona and Chris and the blatant flirting they were doing on company time, her mind replaying the scene at Jeff’s.  She kept telling herself it was none of her business who Jeff was sleeping with.  She had no claim on him, no reason to be upset, but she could not help the raw hurt and sadness that made her want to beat the living hell out of both of them.  The sight of that woman wearing Jeff’s shirt and offering to go get him like she belonged there.  And Jeff casually walking out in a towel.  She had wanted to rip Shirley to pieces.  It was everything Sam had ever wanted, she itched to touch him the way Shirley was so obviously allowed.  At the lake, she had thought that finally, Jeff was starting to see her the way she had always longed for, but apparently she was wrong.  Very wrong.  
  
Even if she managed to forget her own feelings for a moment, Sam still could not believe Jeff would have an affair with a married woman.  Especially not _that_ woman.  He had always been so scrupulous about not hurting anyone.  Jeff was the mediator, he believed in the happy ending.  It was like, after everything he had been through with his father and the army, he needed to believe there was something good in the world, something worth fighting for that did not end in death and destruction.  His was the moral compass most of the town guided themselves by and Sam had lost count of the number of people that asked his advice over a cup of coffee.  That Jeff could do something like this just, it made her sad.  It was worse than wanting something she could never have.  She was disappointed in her oldest friend.  
  
The days passed and she spent as little time in the bar as possible.  There were only two places anyone went to get the gossip in Washford, Morgan’s Diner and Six Flags, one she could escape, the other, not so much and if there was one thing she absolutely did not want to do right now, it was answer the inevitable questions or listen to everyone’s opinions about Jeff and his new girl.  There was no way she could try and defend a decision she could not abide in the first place and, God help her, she would try if someone pressed her.  Not that she could confront him about it either, not without saying far too much.  
  
Alona was running the bar pretty much full time while Sam claimed she was behind with the admin.  The girl was too observant for her own good though, and Sam could see her starting to put the pieces together from the speculative gleam in Alona’s eye whenever Sam emerged from the office.  As soon as the news broke about who was staying with Jeff and what their relationship was, Sam’s weak attempts at avoiding everyone and everything would be for nothing; there was no way Alona would let it be, let alone the rest of Jeff’s friends.

  
Sam sighed and tried to concentrate on the columns of figures in the ledger.  This was probably her worst idea yet.  Every page, every red figure seemed to be Jeff’s.  They had been arguing over his unending tab for as long as Jeff had been drinking at Six Flags.  In exchange, Sam got her fair share of free meals at the diner and it usually balanced things out but it had always been fun to throw out his exact total every now and then.  In fact, Sam could not remember the last time she had gone so long without a visit to the diner, even if it was just for a cup of coffee and some company.  The days seemed so long now she no longer had the option to drop everything and head over to Morgan’s, watch Jeff’s slow smile, the gentle hand on her arm as he passed.  There was no way Sam could face the triumphant look on Shirley’s face, see that smile for _her_ instead of Sam.  She was not sure if it would have been better or worse if Jeff had found someone she could have liked, but _Shirley Baxter?_   Sam just was not sure how she could cope.  She would have to find a way though, or she would lose one of the most important people in her life.  
  
  
****  
  
“Jensen,” sing-songed Annabel sleepily.  
  
“What’s up, Anna-Banana?” Jensen asked as he tucked the sheets around her shoulders.  Jared was finishing up with Beth in the bathroom so it was just the two of them.  
  
“Why doesn’t papa want to go home?  He said it was just for a little while but it’s been ages and ages.”  
  
Jensen paused, searching for the words to answer her.  He knew what Jared had told them and he did not want to say anything that would rock the boat.  Much as he hated to say it, Jared was right not to say anything bad about Tom to them, beyond the vague mention of hurt to Jared.  They had already been exposed to so much pain and unhappiness, they did not need more of their own.  He took a deep breath and stroked Annie’s hair.  
  
“It’s like your papa said, remember?  Your daddy hurt him and sometimes, when someone hurts you, it takes a lot of time to forgive them.”  
  
“Will papa forgive daddy soon?”  
  
“I don’t know, Annie,” Jensen sighed.  “But you trust your papa, right?” Annabel nodded fervently.  “He just wants to do what’s best for you and your sister and that means staying away from your daddy for a while longer.”  Jensen paused again as he looked down at Annabel.  “You know you can talk to your papa about this.  He won’t get mad.”  
  
“Yeah, but he gets scared.  I don’t like it when papa’s scared,” Annabel said earnestly, her eyes wide and vulnerable.  
  
“Me neither, but he’s still your father and he’d want to know if you’re worried about anything.”

  
“Will you tell him I asked?” Annabel said hesitantly.  
  
“I think I have to.”  Annabel nodded again and snuggled deeper into the covers.  Jensen stood and turned as if to go.  
  
“Jensen?” Annabel called after him.    
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Papa’s less sad when you’re here,” she said softly.  “He thinks we don’t know but we do.  He used to cry all the time, but now he almost never cries.  It’s good.  I don’t like it when papa cries.”  
  
Jensen turned away from her for a moment.  He could feel the tears building in his own eyes.  He knew how bad things were for Jared, but it was harder still to hear from his six year old child.  Just then he saw Jared appear in the doorway carrying Beth.  It looked like they had heard the last of the conversation and Jared was visibly shaking, Beth clinging to him with wide eyes.  Jensen locked eyes with him and spoke clearly to them all:  
  
“Neither do I.”  
  
  
*****  
  
“What do you want to do?” Jensen asked as Jared curled up beside him.  They had finally put Beth and Annabel to bed and were trying to enjoy a little quiet time after the tension caused by Annabel’s revelation.  It had been hard at first, the girls were still unsure of Jensen’s place in their life and what that meant, but Jensen had won them over with his usual charm and they were almost back to the easy familiarity they had enjoyed before the kiss and Glover’s visit.  Not that Jensen and Jared were overly demonstrative in front of the girls, but they could now cuddle and touch without fear of Jensen being attacked by the little firecrackers.  
  
“What do I want to do about what?” Jared asked absently.  Jensen was playing with his hair and it was hard to drag himself out of his contented stupor.  
  
“The baby,” Jensen replied quietly.  “I mean, we haven’t really talked about it since we did the tests.  I just wondered if you knew what you wanted to do.”  
  
Jared sat up sharply, ignoring the twinge as Jensen’s fingers got tangled in his hair.  “I’m keeping the baby, Jen.  I thought you would have known that,” Jared said sharply and scowled when Jensen had the gall to laugh.  
  
“I know, Jay.  That wasn’t what I meant.  It was more about telling the girls, sorting out a room,” Jensen paused, sobering suddenly, “Tom.  Me.”  
  
“Oh,” Jared said, the simple sound encompassing so much.  Yeah, Jared had no idea what to do about any of those things.  No matter how much he thought about them, he was still no closer to a coherent decision.  
  
Jensen watched the thoughts play out on Jared’s face, still as easy to read as ever, though no one else seemed to pick up on the obvious tells Jensen was so attuned to.  It hurt to see the doubt and worry on Jared’s face but Jensen pushed it aside.  He would be there for Jared no matter what.  He had promised that, if Jared wanted him, Jensen would be there.  The scariest thing was the thought of Jared rejecting him.  Jensen really did not know if he could cope with that right now.  
  
“It’s okay if you don’t know, Jay.  Just, have you thought about it?”  
  
“It still doesn’t feel real,” Jared said quietly.  “Even with the constant nausea and the aches and pains, I still keep expecting to wake up.  I have a baby growing inside of me again and that scares me more than anything.  But then, I don’t know, I find myself stroking over her and...God!  It’s the best feeling ever.  And you’re here.  You’re right here and I can touch you, have you in my arms again.  It feels so much like when we were expecting Alice, I,” Jared paused as the tears threatened to overwhelm him.  “I don’t want-.”  
  
“You don’t want it to be the same,” Jensen finished for him.  
  
“I don’t want to replace her, Jen.  For all the years I, I denied her, I never wanted to have another.  I don’t think I would have even if the doctors had told us we could.”  
  
“That doesn’t change what’s happening.  I get that you’re scared and that you’d prefer not to think about it.  I do,” Jensen reiterated when Jared looked like he would protest.  “I offered to become a real part of your family’s life, your two beautiful daughters and the baby growing inside you now.  I want to look after you, protect you from anything that would hurt you, but I couldn’t protect Alice or your family.  There was nothing I could do except listen to you screaming.  
  
“I’m terrified I’m going to lose you all over again, but this time it will be a hundred times worse because I’d lose Beth and Annabel too and I love them as if they were my own.”  
  
“Jen, you don’t have to go through this again.  You still have the choice to walk away.  I wouldn’t blame you.”  
  
“You just don’t get it do you?” Jensen said with a rueful smile.  He cupped Jared’s cheek and drew him closer, his lips a hair’s breadth from Jared’s.  “You took away any other choice from me the day you first kissed me.  I love you.”  Jensen closed the gap between them and kissed Jared, slow and sweet.  “I’d do anything, I’d endure _anything_ for you,” he whispered as he drew back.  
  
Jensen felt tears on his face as Jared leaned in and kissed him again, deeper and more passionate the longer it went on.  He knew they were Jared’s and he wiped them away with his thumb without breaking the kiss.  Jared pushed at Jensen until he was lying back on the couch, Jared crawling up his body until they were flush.  He could feel Jared’s straining erection rubbing against his through the fabric of their jeans.  Memories of his sweet, innocent Jared assaulted him, but he pushed them away.  The taste was the same as it had always been but the body above him was different.  Jared had grown tall and strong, the slight roundness of his belly was the only thing that disrupted the lean muscles that adorned Jared’s fully grown, adult body.  
  
They quickly shed their clothes and Jensen let his hands explore the miles of skin exposed to him.  He groaned as Jared nipped the spot on his neck that always drove him wild and thumbed his hardened nipples.  Jensen caressed Jared’s belly, the slight tickle making Jared whimper and his hips buck into Jensen’s.  
  
“That still makes you crazy, huh?” Jensen teased playfully.  
  
“Shut up.  Or should I remind you of a few of your spots?” Jared growled before claiming Jensen’s mouth once more.  
  
“You...make that...sound...like a...threat,” Jensen panted as Jared’s skilled fingers did just as he threatened.  Really, with such long delicate fingers, Jared should have been a pianist, especially with the way he could play Jensen.  
  
Jared did not reply but slithered down Jensen’s body and took his throbbing cock in his mouth.  He laved at the silky skin and dipped his tongue into the slit to lap up the precome that flowed there.  Jensen groaned and fought the impulse to wrap his hands in Jared’s hair.  He did not want to do anything that reminded Jared of Tom.  
  
The blow job was wet and messy.  Jensen could feel Jared’s saliva dripping down his balls as every inch of him was licked and sucked by Jared’s skilled mouth.  Suddenly, Jared pulled off him, his breath ghosting along Jensen’s shaft.  
  
“I want you inside me,” Jared said softly.  Jensen’s hips bucked at the words, his body refusing to acknowledge any hesitation his brain might try to create.  Jared laughed lowly and moved up Jensen’s body once more.  Before Jensen knew what was happening, Jared was slowly lowering himself onto Jensen’s aching cock.  He hissed in pain as the head slipped through the tight ring of muscle, but it was nothing Jared could not handle.  He had been through so much worse and the slight burn made it that much sweeter.  It was Jensen filling him up.  He wanted to feel it.  
Jensen’s hands moved to Jared’s hips, stilling his downward momentum, the second he had heard the hissed intake of breath.  He ignored Jared’s whimper of frustration but before he could open his mouth to speak, Jared forestalled him.  
  
“I’m okay, Jen.  I’m not a virgin any more.  I want to feel you inside me,” Jared said as he used his weight to drop further onto Jensen’s straining erection.  
  
“Don’t want to hurt you,” Jensen gritted out as he fought the compulsion just to thrust up and fuck Jared until he could not walk.  
  
“You aren’t.  _God_ , feels so good,” Jared moaned.  He slid down the last few inches until he felt Jensen’s hips flush against his.  It felt divine, like sex should always be.  Jensen waited until Jared was ready before he moved.  In seconds, Jared started bouncing on his cock and Jensen met every downward stroke with a thrust of his own.  Together they found the right angle and pace to have Jared writhing on his cock and begging for release.  
  
They muffled their cries of ecstasy against each other’s mouths and skin.  Sweat slicked skin slid together and Jared’s cock was teased deliciously between their bodies.  As he felt Jared’s muscles start to convulse around his dick, Jensen thrust harder and faster.  He gripped Jared’s ass cheeks and used his index fingers to gently trace the sensitive ring of muscles that was stretched around him.  He felt Jared shudder and warm bursts of liquid exploded between their bodies.  The feel of Jared around him, touching where they joined and feeling Jared coming from his cock alone was more than enough to send him over the edge.  He thrust up one last time and felt Jared’s passage become slick with come as the muscles still fluttered around him, prolonging the intense orgasm.  
  
“Wow,” Jared panted as he collapsed against Jensen.  
  
“You can say that again,” Jensen laughed as he tried to breathe.  He put his arms around Jared and stroked his hair.  
  
“Well, I think the horny stage has started,” Jared said almost to himself.  
  
“Jay, if you were in the horny stage you’d be ready to go again right now,” Jensen said with a chuckle.  He looked down when Jared did not reply and was surprised to see the younger man blushing.  “Really?”  Jensen asked.  In response, Jared shifted slightly and Jensen could feel the proof of it pressed against his thigh.  “Guess this is gonna be a long night then,” he said with a wolfish grin.  He flipped them over and swooped down to take Jared’s dick in his mouth.  
  
  
*****  
  
It was early.  Really early.  Even for Jeff.  For some reason he had decided he wanted to get everything set up before Shirley woke up.  He wanted to be there if she wanted to talk or if she needed anyone to go with her back to the house to pack some things.  Then, hopefully, she would be able to get to her family.  It would do her the world of good to be around people who really loved and cared for her.  It had worked for Jared and the boy had been through so much.  
  
It was still far too early though.  Even the smell of coffee only just took the edge off.  Maybe once it had brewed he would be able to start up the breakfast grill without burning the place down.  Jeff would never hear the end of it from Chad if anything happened to his precious kitchen.  Or Jensen.  Or Sam for that matter.  
  
Jeff frowned.  Now he came to think about it, Sam had not been to the diner for her usual morning coffee yesterday.  She never missed a morning unless they had had a fight or something was really wrong.  He knew she was pissed about Shirley interrupting them when they were talking about Jared, but surely that was not enough reason to stay away.  Usually Sam would be back with a vengeance and not let up until they hashed it all out.  But then, she had come by later that evening and left without a word.  It just was not like her.  Had he been so absorbed in everyone else’s problems that he had missed something with Sam?  Was she in trouble?  Hurt?  Damn!  As soon as he was finished with everything here he would have to go and see her, find out if she was okay.  It was all he could do not to go barging into her place above Six Flags right this second, but she would probably shoot him with her daddy’s Winchester if he did.  
  
The coffee was good.  Good enough to make him feel human.  The sooner he could get Shirley out of his hair the better.  Not that he wanted to dump her on anyone - he knew how vulnerable she was right now – it was just that he needed to find out what was wrong with Sam.  Once he did that, he was damn sure she would want to finish their conversation about Jared as well.  
  
“No,” moaned Shirley from the bedroom.  The door was slightly ajar and Jeff could see disturbed movements in the darkened room.  He stood, listening intently and trying to decide whether to wake her.  She settled for a moment and Jeff was about to leave when Shirley started to move again, the sheets curling around her like a net.  “No,” she whimpered again and Jeff hesitantly pushed into the room.  
  
“Shirley,” he whispered softly.  He did not want to get too close before she woke.  Jeff had done that to Jared once and it had nearly sent him catatonic with fear.  He would not made that mistake again.  
  
“Please, no,” she pleaded in her dreams, her body thrashing as she fought.  “Let me go, Ron.  Please don’t do this.”  
  
Jeff inched closer.  He made low, soothing noises as he approached, saying her name over and over.  He prayed she would wake up soon but she seemed deeper under than ever.  He leaned over and gently grasped her shoulder as he whispered her name.  
  
“Shirley.  Shirley, wake up.  It’s a dream.  That’s all.  Just a dream.”  
  
Shirley gasped in fright and bolted upright, straight into Jeff’s arms.  She clung to him as though she would never let go, the terror of her nightmare caused violent shivers to rack her body.  Jeff held her tight to him, rocking her and soothing her with his voice.  She was so scared but she trusted him enough to look after her.  
  
“God,” she sobbed.  “I was so scared.  He was shaking me and screaming at me.  I thought he’d never let me go.  I thought he was going to kill me.”  
  
“Shh, it’s alright,” Jeff soothed.  “It was a nightmare.  Ron’s not here.  I’ll make sure he doesn’t get near you for as long as you stay here.”  
  
“Promise?” Shirley asked as she looked up at him with large frightened eyes.  There was something more than fear hidden in their depths, but Jeff could not decipher it.  Instead of worrying about it he leaned back and smiled.  
  
“Promise.  As soon as you’re ready we’ll see about breakfast and maybe contact someone you can stay with for a while.  Maybe your mom?”  
  
Shirley nodded meekly and snuggled back into Jeff’s arms.  He felt her delicate frame shudder as he hugged her and she wriggled even closer.  
  
“I was so scared, Jeff.  I couldn’t get out of it.  I tried to run but he always found me.”  
  
“Don’t worry,” Jeff soothed, stroking her hair again.  She turned her head and nuzzled into his neck, almost purring at the sensation.  Alarm bells started ringing in his head and he suddenly felt very uncomfortable with this woman who was clad only in one of his old shirts.  “Why don’t I leave you to shower and dress.  I’ll wait for you in the kitchen.”  
  
Shirley grasped him tighter, closer.  “I don’t want you to go,” she whispered, her hot breath caressing the skin of his neck.  He felt a rush of lust at the practiced movement but his disquiet quickly banished it.  Jeff had never wanted Shirley that way.  If he did this he would be taking advantage of a vulnerable person in his care.  
  
The whole situation almost reminded him of the way Jared offered him sex for payment, but Shirley had never suggested such a thing.  She was using sex for comfort.  Jared hated unexpected contact, especially after one of his nightmares.  He tried to make himself small and unnoticed while he slowly realised it had all been a dream.  Shirley had woken instantly and known exactly who he was.  And then there was that look in her eyes.  
  
People reacted to stress and abuse in different ways - Jeff knew that better than most – but there was something very wrong with all of this and it made his stomach knot.  He dragged her arms from around his neck and tried to ease himself from the bed.  
  
“I think it’s better if I go.  Get dressed and I’ll have breakfast done by the time you’re dressed.”  
  
“No,” Shirley said firmly and seconds later Jeff was flat on his back, straddled by the determined woman.  She leaned over him, her soft hair trailing over his shoulders and her ass grinding down on his groin.  
  
“You don’t have to do this.  I don’t expect anything from you for letting you stay,” Jeff said calmly as he grasped her waist to still her insistent movements.  
  
“I know,” Shirley purred and arched into the touch.  “I want this.  Make me forget.  Make me feel something _good_ for once.  Fuck me, Jeff.”  
  
That flash was in her eyes again and Jeff could finally see it for what it was.  Triumph.  This was what she wanted all along.  How could he have been so blind?  She had made plays for him time and again but he had rebuffed them all.  She had been ignoring him for months though and he had dropped his guard.  He had allowed his concern for Jared to translate to Shirley, all because he hated to see someone in pain when it was in his power to stop it.  
  
“Get the hell off me!” Jeff growled as he threw her bodily away from him into the centre of the bed.  Shirley stared up at him in surprise as he rose from the bed and towered over her sprawled form.  
  
“Jeff, what-?”  
  
“Was it all a play?” Jeff asked icily, a thin veneer over his rising anger.  “Was it all just a game to get me into bed?”  
  
“I don’t understand,” she started.  
  
“Don’t give me that crap.  I’ve seen people suffer.  I’ve seen things that would make a simple beating look like a relief.  Two of the people I care most about in the world have endured more than I ever thought possible.  You sicken me.”  
  
“It’s not what you think,” she tried again.  
  
“What?  You got bored with your usual sex games and decided to up the ante?” Jeff sneered.  “You know it took me long enough.  I’ve seen people getting out of an abusive relationship, the cold sweats from nightmares so real they don’t know they’re dreaming.  They fight the dreams with everything they have, even when they wake up.  They don’t let people touch them, they don’t _flaunt_ their _assets_ ,” Jeff said contemptuously.  “You played it all wrong, Shirley.  You should have pretended to be dying, not that many would care.  The games you play, girl,” Jeff sighed and shook his head.  “Did you ever think about anyone but yourself?  You expect everyone to bow down to you like you’re special.  You’re not special.  You’re nothing.”  
  
“Oh, whatever,” Shirley sneered with a roll of her eyes.  “You were a challenge.  I was bored.  We could have had so much fun, Jeff,” she continued with a sultry smile as she sauntered past him.  “I could do things to you your precious Sam has never even heard of.”  
  
“Don’t bring her into this,” growled Jeff.  
  
“Oh, please,” Shirley said derisively.  “This is all about her.  If you don’t grow a pair you’ll never get her.  Not that I blame you.  I’m surprised your balls don’t shrivel up every time she gets close.  Honesty, it’s like she’s got every cock in this shit hole of a town locked in a jar.  Not that she’d know what to do with them.”  
  
“She is a better woman than you could ever hope to be.  I’m going to open up the diner.  I want you gone by the time I get back.  I don’t want one single thing of yours left in my home.”  
  
“You sure?  Don’t want to keep one, _tiny_ little thing to remind you of me when dear Sam’s refusing to put out?” Shirley purred as she let her legs fall open slightly revealing the soft skin of her thighs and the glistening pink of her pussy.  
  
“You disgust me,” he spat.  “Stay the hell away from me and mine.”  
  
“Ah, but she’s not yours, Jeff,” Shirley said with a smirk as Jeff turned on his heel and strode out of the apartment before he wrung the life out of her.  
  
  
*****  
  
There was nothing for it.  Tom had to try again.  The soft approach had worked once, it would work again.  It was harder now that he knew what Jared had to offer, his tight body, his screams of ecstasy and agony, his sweet tears and the way they made his eyes sparkle.  The dimples when he smiled were almost enough to drive control from Tom’s grasp.  But Tom had infinite patience and if the calm and patient seduction failed this time, well, Tom knew many more ways to make Jared submit these days.  He had seven years of learning Jared’s strengths and weaknesses and how to bend them to his will.  
  
At their last meeting, Jared had been defiant.  He had refused Tom’s appeals and the offer of returning to his guidance.  But there had been something off about the entire meeting.  Jared seemed to have an unnatural calm Tom had never seen before.  Tom smirked.  Maybe Jared just needed to be reminded that Tom was there and he was not going away.  Jared was his and it was time he reminded his erstwhile lover of that fact, but this time he would need to play things a little different.  He thrived on the challenge and it had been a long time since Jared had been an enigma to him.  In some ways, he supposed he should thank Jensen, but that really was going too far.  The bastard dared to touch Jared, made him forget everything Tom had tried to teach him.  That was not something Tom took lightly.


	24. Chapter 22

“You’re needed out front,” Alona said without preamble as she waltzed into Sam’s office. Without knocking.

“What can possibly need me right now? We’re not even open,” Sam replied, exasperated.

Alona flashed a grin at her boss. “You know me; I can’t tie my shoelaces without you.”

Sam reluctantly smiled back. When she had first hired Alona, the girl could not get anything right. Why Sam had put up with her for so long was a mystery to both of them but it had worked out well in the end. Once Alona got the hang of something she rivalled even Sam’s abilities and Sam had been tending bar her whole life. “Once upon a time maybe. What’s going on?”

The game was up. Alona dropped the act and pulled up a chair opposite Sam’s desk. “You’ve been holed up in here for the past two days. You don’t come into the bar unless you absolutely have to. You’re grouchy,” Alona paused at the pointed look on Sam’s face. “Okay, grouchier than usual. I don’t like seeing you upset. No one does. What’s wrong, Sam?”

“It’s nothing,” Sam sighed, finally putting down her pen and closing the ledger she had been working on. “I-,” she stopped, not sure how to explain.

“Is it something to do with the fact that Jeff is standing in an empty bar looking like crap and asking to see you?”

“Jeff’s here?” Sam felt her heart start to beat faster, excitement slowly filling her belly. It was the same every time Jeff came round, when she saw him, when she heard his voice. But then the crushing disappointment came crashing down around her. “We’re not open.”

“I think he knows that, considering it’s not even eight yet,” Alona replied with a smirk.

“Then what the hell are you doing here?” Sam asked confused. She had not been able to sleep so she had come to the office in the hope of doing something more productive than staring at the ceiling.

“I didn’t finish the clean up last night,” Alona said blushing. “I wanted to get it done before you had the chance to yell at me.”

“Chris keep you busy?” Sam asked and watched Alona try to hide her embarrassment.

“Don’t change the subject. What are you going to do about Jeff? You should make up with him you know. You guys are great together.”

“We’re not together,” Sam said flatly.

“Only because you’re both too stubborn for your own good,” Alona snorted. “I’ll send him in.”

Sam tried to stop her but she was gone. Damn! Jeff would be coming into her office while she looked like shit. What if he realised why she was so upset? He was with Shirley now. She did not want his pity.

At the sound of the door opening, Sam schooled her face into its normal impassive expression. She greeted the sight of him with a tight smile and picked up her pen again. She refused to acknowledge his obvious nervousness. “What do you want, Jeff?” she asked.

Jeff swallowed. It was harder than he ever thought it would be. “It wasn’t what you thought.”

“What wasn’t?” Sam asked, though her heart stuttered as hope bloomed. Could he mean what she thought he meant?

“When you saw Shirley at my place. She told me Ron had been hurting her.” He watched Sam closely and saw the way her eyes narrowed in suspicion but the grip on her pen slackened and he had her full attention. “After everything Jared had gone through, I didn’t want to see anyone else hurting. I guess I was so busy trying to help I couldn’t see what was staring me in the face.”

“And what was that?” Sam asked. She could not tear her eyes away from Jeff’s.

“A few things actually,” he said ruefully. He could feel the pull to go to Sam, to reach across the desk and pull her into a kiss. He watched her eyes flare and it tested his control like nothing ever had before. “It was all a lie. She said those things, accused Ron of something like that, just to get me into bed.”

Sam’s breath hitched. It was exactly what she feared and Jeff had walked straight into the trap. He looked like he would be sick, not that she could blame him. Part of her wanted to take a sick kind of satisfaction from Jeff’s discomfort, but she knew how deeply he felt things and the guilt would already be eating at him. Just like the pain was eating at her.

“She pretended to have a nightmare. That was when it all started to make sense. I know people react differently to abuse but she was, she was clinging and…needy in my arms as soon as she knew I was there.” Jeff stopped. His anger was building again and it was all he could do to stop it overwhelming him. “She wasn’t even sorry. When I think about what Jared’s going through. I wanted to kill her, Sam. I was so close to hitting her,” Jeff whispered as he collapsed into the chair Alona had vacated. Sam looked at him in shock. Jeff was one of the gentlest, kindest people she had even known and the idea of hitting a woman had never once crossed his mind for the twenty odd years she had known him. “She didn’t care about what she had done. It was like some fucked up game she was playing for kicks.”

“So what else did you realise, except that Shirley Baxter is a grade A bitch? By the way, you are the last one to realise that,” Sam said with a small, humourless smile.

“She started insulting you. No one gets to do that,” Jeff said softly as he moved over to the desk, perching on the edge and leaning over Sam. Her heart stared to race at his proximity and the heat in his eyes. “No one’s ever been allowed to do that. Most wouldn’t want to. You are the most amazing woman I have ever met. How Shirley thought I could possibly want her when I had someone like you in my life is a mystery to me,” Jeff said softly.

“What-?” Sam breathed as she stared up at Jeff, her mask finally cracking as the hope had been trying to deny flared hot inside her.

“I was so scared for so long. I couldn’t risk losing you. I love you, Sam. I’ve loved you since I met you,” Jeff said and watched for the smallest sign he had not just ruined everything. He had never felt so afraid in his life.

“You were sixteen,” Sam said shakily, but she gave away nothing of what she was feeling beyond that.

“And no one has ever come close to being as perfect as you.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” A sad longing for the years they had lost tugged at her chest.

“I didn’t want to lose you. I was sure you’d reject me, even my friendship, if you knew.”

“How could you think that? You didn’t trust me enough not to hurt you like that?” Sam asked, hurt of her own tingeing her voice.

“Knowing changes everything,” Jeff said sadly as he drew back. He was wrong. The way Shirley had talked about Sam had sparked hope in his chest, hope enough to finally tell her everything he had kept secret for so long. And now everything was going to change. Just one more thing he could hate that bitch for.

“You’re damn right it does!” Sam said forcefully as she stood and pulled him to her. Their lips met and Sam almost wanted to laugh at Jeff’s shock. For long moments they stood there, lips gently touching, until Jeff realised this was real. Sam was in his arms in the way he had longed for since the first time he had seen her, pushing around some guy who thought he could take advantage. Like anyone could.

Jeff growled and pulled her flush to his body. Finally, finally they were where they were supposed to be. He deepened the kiss, stroking his tongue into her mouth and letting his hands grip her rounded hips to his. He loved feeling her against him, but the truth far outstripped any dreams or fantasies he had ever had. He tried to be gentle, caring, giving her everything she deserved in one kiss, but when she threaded her hands into his hair and nipped his bottom lip, he could not control himself any more. He needed her, more than anything he needed to feel her under him.

The desk was soon swept of all the papers Sam had been so diligently organising. He laid her down without breaking their kiss and she instantly wrapped her long, perfect, legs around his waist. The snug jeans she habitually wore, showed her figure off to perfection, but right now all he wanted was to get them off. He wanted to see her, feel her. He wanted to drive her crazy, make her feel pleasure and love like she had never felt before. What he wanted was a lifetime in this moment. The taste and scent of her was driving him wild, all rational thought fleeing in the face of his desire for Samantha Ferris.

“Sam? You okay?” Alona’s voice drifted round the corner. They broke apart, groaning at the loss, just before Alona entered the office. They must have made quite a lot of noise when they had destroyed the desk. There was no way Alona would not know what was going on. The smirk on her face just proved Jeff right. But then her face broke into a broad smile. “About damn time,” was all she said before she disappeared and closed the door behind her.

Jeff looked over at Sam nervously. Now that the rush of lust was fading, he was worried she would regret her impulsiveness. She smiled softly at him and took his hand in hers. As their fingers twined they drifted closer.

“I never did tell you,” Sam said softly as she pulled Jeff’s head down to rest their foreheads together. “I love you too.”

Jeff smiled and kissed her lightly. “You have no idea how much I want you right now.”

“Bet I do,” she teased as she rocked her hips forward. Jeff hissed and gently smacked her ass.

“Tease!” he said with a grin. “I have to get to work,” Jeff sighed.

“We have the worst timing,” Sam replied and moved back. She hated breaking the contact between them, but if they did not stop now, they never would.

“Yeah, but there’s always later.” Jeff hesitated before continuing. He had a feeling Sam still thought something might have happened with Shirley and he could not have that. “Sam, nothing happened when she stayed with me. As soon as I realised what she wanted I told her to go. I could never want her when I love you so much.”

Sam smiled at him, her heart in her eyes. It was breathtaking. She was the most beautiful creature Jeff had ever seen. She kissed him again. “That’s what I like to hear,” she said jokingly, but Jeff could see the truth under the tone.

“Come by tonight?” Jeff asked. “I’ll cook you dinner, quiet evening together?”

“The offer of dinner was enough to get me there. But there had better be other enticements to get me to stay once I am,” Sam said playfully.

“I’m sure I’ll think of something,” Jeff replied and moved away. “I really have to go,” he groaned. Sam let his hand go and he escaped before the desk and her delectable body convinced him to stay and damn his responsibilities. They would have the whole night and many more if he had anything to do with it. Now he had her, there was no way he would let her go.

 

*****

Jared reclined on the swing he and Jensen had erected on the porch. It had been a bad morning. The nausea had gotten worse and the very thought of going to work or even getting out of bed for anything more than emptying his stomach, was more than he could take. Jeff had been surprisingly understanding and kept saying to let him know if either of them needed him for anything. It was a little disturbing. Did Jeff realise what the symptoms were? It was far too soon for Jared to even contemplate telling anyone else.

Once he had arranged the day off work, Jensen had insisted on taking Beth and Annabel to the park for a few hours. They had hoped Jared would be feeling a little more human by that point. Jared also knew that Jensen relished the time he spent with the girls. He was a born father and he only wished he could convince himself that the child he was carrying was Jensen’s. If it were true, maybe they really could make a go of things. As it was, Jared could not tie Jensen to a life he might come to resent. He owed Jensen more than that, even if the older man was sure it was what he wanted.

Jared sighed. The warmth of the sun was beating down on him, the nausea was finally beginning to fade and his body was relaxing with the much needed rest. He had almost forgotten how unpleasant the first few months could be. It turned out Jared’s horniness was not entirely the pregnancy. After their sex marathon, Jared had spent what felt like forever over the toilet. Jensen had nursed him through and tucked him back into bed before Jensen had the opportunity to brag about it; the smug teasing about the fact he was ‘so hot, Jared couldn’t help but be hard around him.’ Still, it had had its perks, falling asleep sated and happy in each other’s’ arms.

Just as he was drifting off to sleep, a shadow fell over him. Groggily, Jared opened his eyes and gasped at the familiar face looking down at him. He tried to scramble up, but Tom’s strong hand held him in place.

“W-what-?” Jared stuttered.

“I told you I’d come back,” Tom said softly and sat next to Jared on the swing. “Are the twins here?”

“N-no,” Jared said. This was not real, he told himself. The Tom from before was a figment of his imagination. That meant this Tom had to be too, but he had touched Jared. He was sitting next to him. The swing moved under his weight independently of Jared’s movements.

“I really wanted to see them, baby. You disappointed me,” Tom said gently but Jared still flinched. He knew what that tone meant. A gentle Tom was Tom at his worst. Those were the times he remained in control and inflicted more pain than Jared ever thought possible.

“You’re really here aren’t you,” Jared said softly. It was not a question, not any more.

“I’ll always find you, baby. You can’t cope without me. You know better than this,” Tom said as he stroked Jared’s hair. “You can’t walk away from me.”

Jared stared up at Tom, his pale blue eyes were warm for once and Jared suddenly remembered what it was to have them look at him with affection. Back in the beginning, that and desire were all Jared had ever seen. Long months were spent either trying not to see the emotion in them before they got together or being lost in their depths after. It had been too much to see such want in someone’s eyes. Especially after losing everyone he loved. Jensen had been the only one to look at him with such adoration. But it had been good. Tom had been a thoughtful lover and loving father. He gave Beth and Annabel everything they could ever want. Was he really right to refuse them their father? Was he right to deny his unborn child? At least Beth and Annie would have untainted memories for years before Jared had felt compelled to run.

Tom pulled him closer and whispered against his lips, “come back to me, baby. It can be like it was. We can be a family. Please tell me you haven’t forgotten how good it was. It can be again.”

Jared melted into the familiar embrace. Tom’s hands knew just where to press and stroke to have Jared whimpering and meeting Tom’s kiss with fervour. Thoughts whirled around Jared’s head as Tom kissed and stroked him. He was carrying a child inside him, a child that was in all likelihood Tom’s. He still believed that a child should know both its parents and regretted the way things had turned out between them. Maybe if they went slow this time, worked things out it would be different, better.

The sounds Tom was making as he kissed and explored Jared were amazing. It was like each one was wired to his cock and he arched up into Tom’s embrace. Taking advantage of the position, Tom’s hands flew to Jared’s belt. As he did, Jared froze. Jensen’s face sprang up behind his eyes and he let out a choked sob. He did not want this. He wanted Jensen. He had always wanted Jensen. But his body was betraying him. The familiar touch was burning him up inside but that did not mean he had no control.

Jared wrenched his mouth from Tom’s and grabbed his questing hands. “No. Tom, please stop.”

Tom did as he asked and loomed over him, cold anger searing into Jared. “What?”

“Stop. I don’t want this. It’s too soon. I can’t,” Jared said hesitantly, silently begging Tom to understand.

“Still a fucking cock-tease I see,” Tom hissed. “You really trying to convince me you don’t want this?” he asked harshly as he grabbed Jared’s achingly hard dick in his hand and squeezed. Jared whimpered in pain and denial even as his dick jumped in Tom’s hand. Tom gave a dark chuckle and stroked the tender flesh before squeezing again.

“I don’t. Please, Tom. I can’t do this,” Jared pleaded.

“Since when do you turn down sex, baby? You’re the biggest cock whore I’ve ever met,” Tom whispered into Jared’s ear as he forced Jared’s pants further down. “C’mon, baby. You know how this goes. Open up for me.”

“No, Tom. Please.” Jared felt tears slip down his cheeks as Tom’s hands ran over his body. He was still hard, the lust thrummed through his body, but all he could see was Jensen’s face. The only person he ever wanted to be with for the rest of his life, but that life was gone now. It no longer mattered what could have been. This was the reality, Tom weighing him down, taking possession and never letting him go. But more than that, it was the knowledge that somewhere deep inside he did want this. He wanted the pain and degradation Tom provided. If he did not, why was he still so hard, still arching into the cruel touched Tom graced him with? He was everything Tom said he was and more.

“Does he do this to you?” Tom panted as he manoeuvred Jared into position. “Did the bastard touch you?” Jared shook his head in denial of Jensen ever doing something like this to him. “I know he did. Can practically feel the come still leaking out of you. You’re all sloppy and loose from him now, aren’t you? Guess that means we can skip the foreplay.”

The tears and whispered pleas that spilled from Jared had no effect. He knew they would not. Tom always got what he wanted and in the end his body was as much a traitor as it had always been. It craved satisfaction regardless of who was providing it. He was a slut, a whore. If he was not, his legs would not be falling open to allow Tom between them; his cock would not be jerking at the rough push of fingers inside him, pushing in just enough spit so as not to chafe Tom. He would not be responding to every touch and his body begging for more as it fought to override his mind. Only his voice seemed to obey him. No matter what Tom did, no matter how his body craved the contact, Jared continued to beg for Tom to stop. 

The burn of Tom’s cock as it breached his underprepared, under-lubed ass finally freed him of the spell he had been under, the thrall of Tom’s words biting into the fertile ground of his insecurities. He pushed weakly at Tom’s chest, but he was strong, stronger than Jared and Jared did not want to do anything that could hurt the baby. If he relaxed it would all be over. If he did what Tom asked, everything would be okay. He hissed and pushed Tom away even as he welcomed him into body, his heart and soul calling out for Jensen even as his mind told him to give in. Anything for this to be over.

“Does he know what a whore you are? Does he know how you spread your legs for anyone that asks? Did you tell him about that night? Did you tell him the way you were gonna let a room full of guys fuck this sweet ass of yours?” Tom asked cruelly as he slapped Jared’s ass cheek, battering Jared with question after question, thrusting in again and again in the same brutal rhythm. “If I hadn’t stepped in, you would have had them all wouldn’t you. You’re a fucking whore, Jared. You sure he’s man enough to give you what you need?”

“Stop,” Jared whispered, his voice lost to the pain and tears. “It wasn’t me. I didn’t want that.”

“Tell yourself that, baby. We both know what you really are,” Tom replied almost affectionately, though it was not enough to stop the harsh fucking. It seemed to go on forever.

Eventually, Tom grunted out his completion and pulled out of Jared’s body without warning. Jared was too far gone to even register that discomfort. There was a wet trickle sliding down his balls and thighs, coming from his ass. As soon as he was free of Tom’s body, he turned over and wrapped himself into a tiny ball, the sobs coming freely now.

“Shut up, Jared. You know you wanted that as much as me. You’re still hard for god’s sake,” Tom bit out as he buckled his pants. It was as though he had been sitting there calmly all the time, as though the last few minutes had never happened. Maybe it had not and Jared really was losing his mind. “Now, I’m going to go, but I want to see the twins next time.” Jared shook his head wordlessly, his mind a jumble of shock and shame, but he still held onto the thread of determination he had felt when Tom first appeared and spoke to him. “Don’t test me, Jared. I want to see my children. You can’t keep me from them. Don’t make me regret taking you back.”

Jared sobbed harder. He was a fool to think he could escape the nightmare of his life, but maybe he could do something more to protect his children. There had to be some way he could put an end to it all but still keep them safe. Jared barely heard Tom leave as he lost himself in his mind, a plan slowly forming in his mind. All he had to do was stall Tom as long as possible and maybe it would all finally be over.

 

*****

The sun beat down on Jensen’s head as he flopped on the ground. He should call Annabel and Beth over out of the sun in a moment or they would get heat stroke. Jensen did not understand where they got their limitless energy. Even Jared had not been this bouncy as a teenager, though Sherri had always told him the craziest stories about Jared’s antics as a child. He had never believed it until now. Jensen wondered how Jared had handled the both of them when Tom was constantly beating on him as well.

Jensen pushed away the unpleasant thoughts. Tom was out of the picture for now; forever if Jensen had his way. The girls were chasing squirrels across the grass and jumping around in random patterns that he was sure made sense to them. They had been playing all morning so that Jared had a chance to rest and they had all had a whale of a time. They had played catch and run around after each other madly when Jensen had stolen the ball and refused to give it back until they bested him. After that had been the fairy hunt where both of the girls claimed to have seen them even though Jensen had not set anything up for them this time. It all added up to an exhausted Jensen and two bundles of seemingly endless energy. No wonder Jared needed the rest.

Just when Jensen was about to call them over to get out of the sun and have some water, he was jumped on by the excited children. His breath left him with an oof and he struggled to get upright so that his lungs had room to work.

“We want ice-cream!” Annabel exclaimed as she bounced on Jensen’s lap.

“Yeah, ice-cream!” Beth added and they began the familiar song together.

“I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice-cream!”

“Oh no!” Jensen said firmly, apprehension filling him. The last thing he needed was these two on a sugar high. They turned their puppy dog eyes on him, so similar to Jared’s. It was bad enough having one person in the family that could work those eyes, but three was just ridiculous and now two matching, adorably pouty expressions were making Jensen’s resolve falter. Hell, he knew it was too late the first time he had set eyes on them. He would do anything for a Padalecki.

Jensen sighed and the girls knew they had gotten what they wanted. They cheered and skipped off towards the diner. At least there, plenty of people were willing to entertain Beth and Annabel and maybe he could convince Jeff not to tell Jared about the ice-cream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Graphic rape scene between Tom and Jared


	25. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick reminder as I've not posted for a bit, I pop the warnings in the end notes so people won't be spoiled but can check for triggers if they want.

"He still thinks he can say no to me!” Tom raged as he stood in Misha’s small motel room.  “I’m willing to take him back after everything he’s done to me these last few months, shacking up with that fucking _mechanic_ and letting _my kids_ see it.  Not letting me see them, letting them think Ackles is their new daddy!  Who the fuck does he think he is?”  
  
“Tom, calm the fuck down!”  Mike’s voice came from the speaker phone on the desk.  Misha was sitting as quietly as possible on the bed while Tom paced the room.  “We both know Jared isn’t strong enough to say no to you for long.  You just need to get him on his own long enough for you to show him that.  Misha, is there any way you can make that happen?  Get Jensen out of town for a while so Tom can work on getting Jared back.”  
  
Misha squirmed internally.  He had heard a lot in his time, learnt when to be out of a room so he could not hear this kind of talk.  It was easier not to hear, to pretend, and maybe he was getting soft, but it disturbed him to hear his boss and his current client talking about an actual person like this.  The sheer callousness of it all made his blood run cold.  Still, he had a job to do and Misha was a professional if nothing else.  
  
“I think I could make something work, give you a day maybe,” Misha replied slowly.  
  
“Not long enough,” Tom growled.  
  
“Best I can do right now,” Misha replied coolly, anger boiling under his skin but his face gave nothing away.  
  
“Tom, Misha will do everything he can to get Jensen out of the way for as long as possible.  You just have to be ready to act when he does.”  
  
“I got it, Mike,” Tom bit out.  “You think I’m not ready for this?  Jared’s mine.  I’ll make sure he remembers just as soon as your guy gets the job done.”  Tom glowered at Misha as he spoke.  There was a thrill of wrong about it, something dark and menacing beyond what he had seen there before.  Misha carefully schooled his features, unwilling to give anything away before he was ready.  
  
“Of course,” Misha said calmly.  I’ll have everything in place within the week.”  
  
“Good,” Mike said and Misha could sense the relief in Mike’s voice.  It was barely there but Misha was trained to pick up on the slightest visual or aural clues so it sounded loud and clear.  He only hoped Welling was not as sensitive to Mike’s moods.  “As soon as this is done I need you on a flight to San Antone, Misha.  There’s a lot we need to discuss.”  
  
“Sure thing, Mike,” replied Misha quickly.  There was more to that sentence than the words.  This would be one hell of a debrief.  Sometimes he wished his boss was not as layered as he was, but the pay was definitely worth it.  Or it had been.  One look over at his current client made him re-evaluate his previous ideas of worth.  
  
Tom was looking intently at Misha as he spoke to Mike and didn’t break eye contact for a second as he disconnected the call.  Misha’s skin crawled at the glint in Welling’s eyes.  
  
“So, you’re going to take care of Ackles for me,” Tom said softly.  There was something more in the way he said that than had been implied in the conversation itself.  
  
“Sure,” Misha said slowly.  “I’ve got a couple of ideas on how to distract him for you.”  
  
“Mike told you to get him out of the way.”  
  
“Yes,” Misha agreed carefully.  
  
“Told you to do everything you could to help me get Jared back.”  
  
Tom’s intent stare was ruffling Misha far more than he wanted to acknowledge.  He could not see where the line of questions was heading and it unsettled him, he hated being in the dark when the whole point of his job was to understand and interpret conversations exactly like this one.  
  
“What’s your point?”  
  
“I want Jensen out of the way,” Tom said simply.  
  
“I know.  I’ll get it done.”  
  
Tom smiled smugly.  “Good,” he said as he looked away to pour himself a drink.  “Make sure it’s permanent.”  
  
Misha froze.  “What do you mean?”  
  
Tom turned back to Misha and levelled the same dark gaze at him once more.  “I want Jensen out of Jared’s life.  He’s mine and I don’t want him forgetting that again.”  
  
“I thought he was your boy.  Are you saying he won’t go willingly if Jensen is still around.”  
  
“Jared’s a whore!” Tom shouted across the room, his knuckles white against the glass in his hand.  “I can give him a firm hand, keep him in line, but the fewer temptations for his ass to point to the better.”  
  
“That’s all?  Jensen is just a dick Jared wants fucking him?  No more?” Misha asked, his mind whirling with possibilities.  
  
“ _Jensen_ is an idiot.  He never understood what Jared needed.  I do.  I can give Jared everything,” Tom said, every word making the icy calm slip a little further as the anger spilled out.  “With Jensen gone, Jared will always be mine.  No secrets, no hiding.  Nothing but me.”  
  
So, Welling was not completely deluded.  He could see the love between Jared and Jensen.  Misha could suddenly see everything that had been leading up to this point with crystal clarity.  Welling was jealous.  Completely and utterly jealous of Jensen.  He really did love Jared, in a warped kind of way, but still love.  Some part of him recognised that Jared would never wholly be his until there was no more Jensen.  Not that it would do Welling any good.  Jensen would still be a part of Jared forever.  The kind of love they had was something that would not die but grow with the grief of such a loss, like a martyred saint.  It was something Welling could never understand and Misha almost felt sorry for him, until he remembered what he had just been asked to do.  
  
“I won’t do it,” Misha said firmly.  
  
“You will.”  
  
“No.”  
  
“You’d risk your job for your _principals_?”  Tom asked incredulously.  
  
“I’m not risking my job.  _This_ was never part of my job,” Misha said coolly, barely keeping his anger in check.  
  
“Mike told you to do whatever I asked.  I want Jensen Ackles gone.  Permanently.  And you _will_ do it.”  
  
“No, I won’t.  I’m leaving in the morning.  I’ve done everything I can do for you.”  Misha stared at Tom, his disquiet growing as Tom’s confident smile widened.  
  
“You’ll still be here tomorrow, Collins,” Tom said evenly.  “Melissa’s flight managed to get upgraded.  She’ll be here in a few hours.”  Misha stood there in shocked silence.  He had not exactly kept his daughter a secret, but he had not advertised her existence and he had not even mentioned his plan to bring her out.  He had still been hoping it would not be necessary and he could divert her flight to San Antonio.  “What?” Tom asked smugly, “you didn’t think I’d get you checked out myself.  I may trust Mike but I’m not a fool.”  
  
Misha did not say anything for a moment.  His mind raced with possibilities.  There was no way he would ever be able to kill someone, he doubted he could even arrange for it to be done, but he did not want his daughter anywhere near Tom Welling.  He still had some favours he could call in but the time frame would cause some problems.  
  
With deadly calm he faced Tom.  “Mike told you I’m the best,” he stated.  Tom nodded, smirk still in place, but forced around the edges, uncertain.  “He was right.  If I don’t want her found, she won’t be found.  If I don’t want you anywhere near her, she won’t be.  You have no leverage, nothing to bargain with.  I’m leaving.  We’re done.”  
  
The muscle in Tom’s jaw was twitching with barely restrained anger.  No one defied him like this.  Did this guy really think he could get away with it?  His daughter was already on a plane, did he think he had any hope of changing the outcome of this play.  Jensen would die, whether it was by Misha’s hand or someone else’s.  
  
A knock sounded in the tense silence.  Barely a second later, the door opened to a petit bombshell with silken brown hair and gently swaying hips all wrapped up in a coffee coloured dress and topped with a saccharine sweet smile.  
  
“Misha,” she said brightly, “save me from my boredom.  I need a drink and I need company.”    
She paused as she realised there was someone else in the room.  Her eyes raked Tom’s tall, broad frame, beautiful eyes and gorgeous features and her smile upped a notch.  “And I see you have both.”  
  
Misha controlled a groan as Shirley Baxter walked further into the room and wrapped herself around Tom.  If there was one thing he did not need, it was having a nymphomaniac like Baxter and a sociopath like Welling in the same room at the same time.  He was so fucked.  
  
  
*****  
  
“Jensen!” yelled Jeff from the kitchen.  “That you?”  
  
Jensen smiled and waved the girls to one of the tables near the counter.  “You two just sit there and behave while I talk to Jeff for a minute,” he said to them as he headed towards the back.    
“Soph, can you get them a sundae to share?” he added as he passed her.  
  
She smiled.  “Sure thing.  What do you want, girls?”  
  
Jensen leaned into her, “something small and as sugar free as possible,” he whispered.  She chuckled.  
  
“They run you ragged today?”  
  
“You have no idea,” he said with an exaggerated sigh.  
  
The kitchen was surprisingly quiet for once, Chad nowhere to be seen and no orders on the go.  It was strange to see the normally busy diner practically empty but it seemed everyone was out enjoying the last of the summer holidays before school started again.  
  
Jeff was laying out two cups of coffee on the table and Jensen grabbed his as though his life depended on it.  
  
“Please tell me you made this pot,” he said fervently as he inhaled the intoxicating scent.  Now if he could combine the pleasures of coffee with the pleasures of Jared, Jensen knew he would have died and gone to heaven because there could be nothing better than that.  
  
“Sure did.  You look like you need it,” Jeff said with a smirk.  “Did I hear those adorable girls are in my diner?”  Jensen nodded.  “And you didn’t bring them through to see me?” he continued in mock outrage.  
  
“You can have them once the sugar rush starts,” Jensen said dryly.  “They have been running me all over that park today.  Jay needed some rest so I offered to take them out.  They have more energy than a nuclear reactor.  I think they could supply the whole town with enough electricity for a year if we hooked them up to the generator.”  
  
Jeff laughed and smacked Jensen in the back of the head.  “You should be respectful to a lady, Jensen.  I thought you were raised better than that.”  
  
“You were one of my earliest influences, Jeff.  Of course I have no manners.”  
  
“I think I need to hit you where it really hurts and take back the coffee!” Jeff said sternly, a glint of amusement in his eyes as he reached for Jensen’s cup.  Jensen hugged it to him like a life buoy.  
  
“Don’t you dare!  I’ve killed men for less than that.”  
  
“It scares me a little that I actually believe you,” Jeff said with a smile and leaned back in his chair.  He sobered after a minute and took a long look at Jensen.  “So Jared’s still not feeling right?” he asked evenly.  
  
“I think everything is catching up with him, y’know?  It’s been a rough couple of months for them all.”  
  
“True enough,” Jeff acknowledged but Jensen could tell there was more to this than Jeff was saying.  “Do you know what set him off the other day?  Looked pretty bad from where I was standing.”  
  
“Yeah,” Jensen said hesitantly.  He knew Jared did not want to tell anyone about the baby yet and, to be honest, neither did Jensen.  It was still too soon.  After everything they had been through, they were almost too scared to let themselves believe it was true.  Once they told people, it was real.  If it was real, there was so much more to lose.  “We figured out what it was,” Jensen said slowly as he looked into the black of his coffee.  “He’s doing a lot better now, but he still needs to rest up some.  I’ve been helping out where I can, taking the girls out, helping around the house.  It’s kinda nice actually.”  
  
Jeff nodded slowly, a small frown marring is brow.  “You boys need me for anything?  You know I’ll always be there for both of you, right?”  
  
It was Jensen’s turn to frown now.  His confusion was growing by the second.  “What are you talking about, Jeff?”  
  
“I was about to ask the same thing,” Sam said from the doorway.  Neither of the men had noticed her come in but the second he did, Jeff smiled widely and walked over to her.  Jensen watching in growing amazement as Jeff pulled her close and kissed her gently, lovingly, his hand cupping her cheek and stroking her hair.  And Sam just melted into the kiss and wound her arms around Jeff’s waist.  It was like the world disappeared and all that was left was the two of them.  Jensen almost felt like an intruder.  He had no right to witness something so private.  He grinned at them, remembering how it was with Jared.  He wondered if they looked anything like Jeff and Sam right now.  
  
When they parted, Jensen smirked and raised a questioning eyebrow.  “Shut up,” Jeff said with an answering grin, his arm firmly around Sam’s waist as he led her to the table and grabbed another cup of coffee.  
  
“When did this happen and when were you gonna tell me about it?” Jensen asked as he glanced between the two of them.  They had identical smiles on their faces and could not seem to stop looking or touching.  It was so cute it was sickening.  But that did not stop Jensen from latching onto their happiness as though it were his own.  
  
“Um, this morning,” Jeff said as he ducked his head in embarrassment, a bashful grin lighting his face.  “I guess I couldn’t stand the thought of wondering what could have been for the rest of my life.”  
  
“Jeff, you’ve been wondering that for almost as long as I’ve known you,” Jensen said, prompting with the unspoken question.  Jeff flushed a little which made Jensen’s eyebrows rise even higher.  
  
“Well, I may have received a kick up the ass from a very unwelcome source,” he said as he glanced at Sam.  She quirked her lips at him and gave a small nod.  “Shirley Baxter was up to her usual tricks but went one further than even I thought she would.  She said some things when I was kicking her out that made me think maybe it wasn’t a lost cause.  Turns out she was right.”  
  
“You have no idea how much I hate the fact I have that woman to thank for finally having Jeff right where I want him,” Sam said with amusement and a little disgruntlement.  “But we are deviating from the point here,” she continued sternly, turning her gaze to Jensen and settling a little closer into Jeff.  “That Jeff was trying to ask was, how bad is it?”  
  
“What?” Jensen asked, nonplussed.  “How bad is what?”  
  
“Don’t toy with us, Jensen,” said Sam, glaring at him.  “We’re your friends.  We love you and have been there for you through everything.  Don’t you dare try to shut us out again.  We know there’s something wrong with Jared.  We just want to know how bad it is and what we can do for you both.”  
  
Jensen almost wanted to laugh.  These two people sitting in front of him were the most amazing people he had ever met.  He was so lucky to call them friends; even if they were so far off the mark it was funny.  “There’s nothing wrong with Jay.  I promise.  He’s just having a bit of a hard time at the moment.  He hasn’t been getting enough rest and it’s finally getting to him.”  It was a half truth but it was all Jensen could think to say.  
  
“Don’t try that shit with me, Jensen,” said Sam, glaring even harder at him.  “I’ve known you too long for you to blow smoke up my ass.”  
  
“That’s not what I’m trying to do, Sam.  I promise,” Jensen said earnestly.  “I can’t tell you everything that happens in mine and Jared’s life.  You of all people should respect that.”  
  
Jeff and Sam shared a look and Sam’s face softened.  She reached out and squeezed Jensen’s hand briefly before sitting back and taking another sip of coffee.  All this was confusing as hell.  It almost felt like an intervention and considering he had not received one for the drinking – they had just reached a silent understanding like with everything else – it was starting to freak him out.  
  
“We do respect that, Jensen,” said Jeff quietly, his eyes radiating grief and concern and pretty soon Jensen was going to full on panic.  “But I also know the signs and I want to be there to help you, just like you were there for me.”  
  
“What-“ Jensen started but Jeff held up a hand.  
  
“Let me finish.  It’s starting to show and you won’t be able to keep it from everyone much longer.”  Jensen’s mouth dropped open in shock.  Sure, Jensen could tell Jared was pregnant but he was sure no one else would be able to put the pieces together yet.  It seemed that he had underestimated his friends.  “How long?” Jeff asked.  
  
Jensen gulped and stood abruptly.  He had promised Jared that he would not tell anyone, but what the hell was he supposed to do now.  “We’re...not sure,” Jensen croaked as he started pacing.  “Jared doesn’t want anyone to know yet.  He’s so fucking scared.”  
  
“Of course he is, honey,” Sam said with a motherly compassion that almost had Jensen smiling.  
  
“Has he told Beth and Annie yet?” Jeff asked.  
  
“No.  It’s still too soon,” Jensen replied.  “Look Jeff, I’m sorry but I promised Jay.  I can’t tell you any more.  I shouldn’t have said this much.”  
  
“It’s not fair to keep them in the dark like this, Jensen,” said Jeff harshly.  “They’ll want to spend as much time with their father as possible while they still can.”  
  
“And what?” Jensen said harshly, rounding on Jeff.  “You think Jared won’t make the time for them after?  You really think Jared could do something like that?”  
  
Jeff paused, confusion was written all over his face.  “Jen, it’s not about that.  It’s about what’s practical.  It was hard, you know that, but when dad got sick he wanted to do so much with the time he had left, it’s just the chemo left him so weak he couldn’t.  At least I had the time to spend with him.  I had time to come to terms with it.  It’s not fair on the girls not to give them the same chance.”  
  
“What has that got to do with anything?” Jensen said, his anger growing alongside his apprehension.  “I mean, no disrespect, but I don’t see what you’re getting at here.”  
  
“Jensen, I know you don’t want to think about this, but Jared could die,” Jeff said gently.  “I know treatments have improved since dad, but cancer is still a killer and you have to face that.  It’ll make things easier for both of you.”  
  
This time Jensen did laugh, though it was humourless and harsh.  “Fuck, Jeff!” he said and sank back into his chair.  “You sure have a great way of looking at things.  Do me a favour and don’t ever try to be a grief counsellor.  Also, never try thinking for yourself again.  Jesus!”  Jensen ran a hand through his hair and started laughing again at their dumbfounded expressions.  
  
“What do you mean?” Sam asked as she gripped Jeff’s hand in hers.  
  
“Jared’s not dying!  I mean, really?  Jared throws up outside the diner and feels weak and tired for a few days after and the first thing you think of is cancer?  A stomach bug or food poisoning didn’t occur to you first?”  
  
Jeff and Sam looked at each other ruefully.  They had gotten so caught up in their theory that they had not even stopped to consider anything less serious.  Especially with how secretive Jensen had been.  “It seemed to fit,” Sam said lamely.  
  
“And you have to admit that the pair of you never do things by halves,” Jeff said with a small grin.  
  
Jensen chuckled.  It may not be cancer, but Jeff was not wrong.  
  
“Wait,” Sam said, cutting off Jensen’s train of thought.  “When Jeff asked how long Jared had, you said you didn’t know.  What’s really going on, Jensen?”  
  
Jensen let his head fall to the table.  _Fuck_.  This was really not good.  
  
  
*****  
  
The airport was teeming.  People were juggling cases while checking their tickets and passports, doing headcounts or dragging children to wherever they needed to go.  There were tearful farewells and excited chatter amongst friends and family, surly looking businessmen trying to fight their way through and security staff watching everything with an eagle eye.  Airport staff from the cleaners to the attendants were trying to weave through the crowd so they could do their job, mostly calm and professional but with the occasional harried glance at colleagues.  
  
To the untrained eye, it looked like complete chaos.  Hell, to someone as used to it as Melissa it could be pretty overwhelming.  That’s why she always turned up at least an hour early.  That and there had been the occasional trip where her father had changed plans at the last minute, leaving her barely enough time to get to the airport for her new flight.  Her dad always tried to give her enough warning, a quick call and email with the new details so she knew where to go.  The last thing Melissa always did before leaving home was check her phone and email in case her dad had tried to get in touch.  There had been nothing so far, but habits like this were hard to break, especially when she had Misha Collins for a father.  
  
Melissa pulled her small case behind her and headed for the flight desk.  She had managed to avoid a few nasty collisions and she could not wait to get to the boarding area where things were always slightly less chaotic.  She handed the attendant her boarding pass and passport and waited for the details to be processed.  
  
“Ah, Miss Collins,” she said calmly.  “We’ve been waiting for you.  Your ticket was upgraded to an earlier flight.  The flight has almost finished boarding.  My colleague will drive you over to the correct terminal.”  
  
“Wait, what?” Melissa asked.  She checked her phone.  No missed calls, no messages, no emails.  Her father might be last minute sometimes, but he never forgot to tell her about any changes he made.  “Who upgraded me?”  
  
“We had a call from Mr Collin’s office.  They arranged the details,” the attendant said as she started walking over to the buggy that was supposed to take her to her flight.  There was no time to ask more as Melissa was hustled into the buggy and driven to where she needed to be.  
  
It was all a blur.  One moment she was three hours early for her flight, the next she had three minutes to board.  When she finally flopped into her seat, the emergency procedure was already at the proper way to inflate the lifejackets located under each seat.  Melissa had heard that speech so many times she could probably recite it herself so she tuned out and tried to think of a reason her father would not let her know about a change of plan.  It just did not make any sense.  
  
She sighed and slumped further into her seat.  There was nothing she could do about it now.  Once the plane landed she would call her dad and find out what the hell was going on.  She actually kind of loved ragging on him and this was the perfect opportunity.  
  
  
*****  
  
The house looked empty when Jensen and the girls finally arrived back.  It had taken far longer to extricate himself from Sam and Jeff’s combined efforts to get information out of him than he had hoped.  Hell, he had never expected to be ambushed like that in the first place and the slips he had made when he and Jeff had been talking at crossed purposes had just made it worse.  Jensen could see the cogs turning and he knew it would not be long before they put together the right answer.  He needed to talk to Jared.  He needed to convince him to tell their close friends or the rumour mill would get way beyond control.  If they told Jeff and Sam, maybe Chad as Jared seemed to get on with him so well, they would have the support they needed.  
  
If anyone would be able to deflect the gossip it would be them, especially as they had almost every single person in town passing through their doors.  It would be an uphill battle though.  Jared barely talked to Jensen about it, as though if he said the words aloud it would all be taken away from him.  
  
“Jared!” he called up to the house.  “Hey, Jay!  We’re back and you can blame Sophia for the sugar high,” Jensen said as his first hail got no response.  “Jared?”  The lack of answer to his calls could easily be explained by any rational person, maybe he was in the shower or had popped to the shop, but Jensen could not help the buzz of worry in the back of his mind.  What if something had happened to the baby?  What if Tom had finally found out where Jared was?  Jensen turned to the girls with a smile he hoped was convincing.  “Hey, why don’t you two go outside and play for a few minutes.”  
  
“We’ve been outside _all day_ ,” whined Annabel.  
  
“I’m _tired_!” added Beth with an exaggerated slump of her shoulders.  
  
“Is that why you were bouncing the entire way back from the diner?” asked Jensen with an arched brow.  “Now go on.  It’s just for a few minutes, I promise.”  
  
It did not take long for Jensen to realise Jared was not in the house.  He raced upstairs to check the bathroom and the bedroom in case Jared had knocked himself out in there.  On his way back down he heard something that made his blood run cold.  One of the girls had yelped in pain and fright and the other was screaming his name.  He could not remember how he got down the stairs, only that Beth was on the floor crying and rubbing her arm while Annabel stared at the swing in shock.  
  
Jensen rushed to Beth and gently stroked her hair while wiping away her tears with his thumb.  He murmured soothing noises to her as he looked at her arm.  It would bruise but not badly and he knew for a fact she had received worse during her escapades with her sister.  
  
“It’s not that bad, Miss Bethany,” said Jensen softly.  “Why don’t we get you up and wash your hands and you can have a bath before bed.  Would you like that?”  Beth did not respond, she just kept looking over his shoulder.  Jensen glanced back and gasped in shock.  Jared was sitting up in the swing, curled up as tight as possible, his face as pale as the first time Jensen had seen him at Jeff’s place.  His eyes were wide and glassy and his lips were moving but whatever he was saying was lost as he tried to keep breathing.  “Jay, it’s okay.  She’s fine.  It was just a little scare.  Right Beth?” Jensen said softly as though he were calming a wild animal.  
  
“We tried to wake up papa but he pushed me away.  He pushed me and I fell and he wouldn’t wake up,” Beth said in a rush.  Jensen had to force back the worry he felt rising while he calmed everyone down.  It sounded like Jared had been locked into one of his nightmares again but Jared had never done that to his kids before, not once, no matter how deeply trapped he was.  He could not help wonder what had triggered such a bad attack.  
  
“Papa didn’t mean it Beth, you know that right?  You know papa has nightmares sometimes and when one feels really real and he’s scared, he fights them.  He tries to fight the monsters so he can get back to you but sometimes it’s not just in his dream he fights, sometimes his body moves too and he doesn’t know you’re there.”  Jensen took a breath.  It was hard enough to see it let alone explain it to two scared children.  Jensen had never believed it was possible that Jared could ever hit his own child, but Beth was there on the floor after being pushed away by her father.  It was something so visceral that, no matter that Jensen _knew_ Jared would rather die himself than hurt them; it shocked him to his core.  
  
The girls looked uncertain and Jensen wondered if any explanation would break through their shock, but Beth nodded slowly.  Her breath was calming slowly and only hiccupped occasionally.  Jensen again looked at Jared who had not moved.  His voice was louder now and Jensen could make out some of the words.  
  
“I didn’t mean to.  I’m so sorry.  Please let them be alright.  I didn’t mean it, I swear I didn’t.  He was here and...I hurt them.  He was right.  I can’t...I’m so sorry.”  As Jared’s pleas got louder, he started to rock, more like a violent tremble that shook his whole frame and made the swing jangle.  The words saddened Jensen but right now he had to make sure Beth and Annabel were alright, then he could look after Jared and get some answers.  
  
“It’s okay, Jay,” said Jensen as he got up onto the swing beside Jared.  “They’re okay.  Beth had a bit of a shock, that’s all.  She gets hurt worse tripping over her own shoelaces.”  
  
Jared cast hopeful eyes at Jensen, as though he was trying to see a lie behind them and unsure whether he deserved the reassurance, but this was Jensen.  He had to trust Jensen to make everything okay.  He nodded slowly and turned unseeing eyes back to the garden.  
  
Somehow it felt like Jensen was being dismissed but he picked up Beth and Annabel and carried them back into the house.  He was so tempted to call Jeff or Sam and ask them to come over or take the girls back to the diner, but Jensen knew that if he did that now it would seem like a rejection.  That was what had upset them more; Jensen would bet money on it.  Their papa had pushed them away when all they wanted to do was see him after a day apart.  
  
“So, who wants to see what’s for dinner?” Jensen asked as he headed for the kitchen.  Annabel followed enthusiastically and picked through the leftovers in the fridge.  Jensen looked over everything she pointed to and wondered just how much she had picked up in the dinner while Jeff, Jared and Chad were working.  They were the ingredients for their favourite omelettes, though Jensen had to be sure not to add olives into Beth’s as she hated them with a passion.  “Guess you know what you want today, huh?” Jensen teased but he did not get the customary rave about being a cook just like Jeff when she grew up.  
  
“It’s good for us, quick and filling,” she said as she helped Jensen carry the ingredients to the table.  It was like something she had learned by rote rather than the enthusiastic and sometimes incorrect – though correct surprisingly often – information.  Not that Jensen could argue.  It was simple and would keep the girls occupied while he looked after Jared.  It was the very thing he had been hoping for as Jared kept fast food strictly regulated in his home.  Jensen had found this hilarious at first considering Jared as a kid had eaten his weight in fast food of all kinds.  A warning look had soon shut him up though and Jensen was careful to respect his decisions when it came to his children.  
  
The food was cooked in no time and Jensen hustled them into the living room.  “Okay, I’m trusting you two to behave and clear your plates,” said Jensen firmly.  “I’ll put on a movie for you and come check in soon, but I just need to see how your papa’s doing.”  The girls nodded solemnly and Jensen smiled at them.  He picked up the plates and set them on the coffee table with two tall glasses of juice.  “If you need me just holler,” he said as he left them watching the latest must have movie and shaking his head fondly as they started to giggle.  
  
After a few deep breathes, Jensen headed out to the swing again.  It was still shaking and Jared was still mumbling broken sentences of regret and fear, but now the tears ran freely down his face.  It was eating him up inside and the longer he stayed in that fugue state the harder it would be to get him out of it.  He wrapped his arms around Jared’s shivering form and held tight against the weak struggles.  It took seconds for Jared to break completely, the wracking sobs muffled in Jensen’s shoulders.  “I’m sorry, Jen.  I didn’t see her,” Jared gasped between sobs.  “I’d never hurt her.  He was hurting me and he wouldn’t stop.  I begged and begged but he just took what he wanted.  I tried.  I promise I tried.  He wanted them and now he’ll get them.  I hurt her.  I hurt her and she’ll leave me.  They’ll go back to him because they’ll be safe there.  They were always safe with him.  He took care of us.”  
  
“Tom is not going to take Beth and Annabel, Jay” said Jensen softly as he buried his face in Jared’s hair.  It horrified him that Jared thought they would be safe with such an abusive bastard, but after everything Jared had told him, he kind of understood the twisted reasoning.  Tom had never even raised his voice to his children.  It was always Jared that was to blame and had to endure whatever punishment Tom saw fit.  It was Jared’s job to look after the twins so if they were naughty then it must be Jared’s fault.  “No one can take them away from you, Jay.  You’ve always treated them so well, taken care of them and protected them.  None of this is your fault.  Beth got a bigger bruise when she hit her arm on the bathroom door last week and she was bragging about how brave she was for days.”  
  
“They were scared of me, Jen.  My little girls were scared I’d hurt them,” Jared said brokenly, fresh tears choking him.  “I would have given anything not to see that from them.”  
  
“Will you stop wallowing?” Jensen said harshly.  Nothing he had said seemed to make any difference and Jensen knew it was time for a fresh approach, no matter how much it hurt him to see the flash of pain on Jared’s face.  “Get up and come with me.  Your daughters are fine.  They were worried about _you_.  They were scared _for_ you.  And if you’re really worried about them, _show them that_.  See for yourself.”  Jensen kept talking as he half pulled, half carried Jared through the house and stood in the doorway of the living room watching Beth and Annabel laughing at the movie, their plates nearly empty.  
  
They stood there for a moment and Jensen felt his anger melt away as he watched them.  It had never really been Jared he had been angry with, just the fucked up situation that never seemed to get any better no matter what they did.  After a few moments Annabel looked up and saw them standing there.  Jared now had a slight smile on his face, the same one he always had when he looked at his children and Jensen noticed the hand that was absently resting on the slight bulge of his stomach.  
  
Annabel elbowed Beth and caught the fresh bruise on Beth’s arm.  Beth yelped and went to punch Annabel but stopped as soon as she saw her father.  Jared had started forward the moment the sound was out of Beth’s mouth, his parental worry overcoming any fear of rejection.  
  
“Are you okay, munchkin?” Jared asked urgently as he knelt beside her.  Beth nodded mutely and stared up at him with wide, uncertain eyes.  “I’m so sorry, Beth.  I didn’t mean to.  I’m sorry.”  
  
“Jensen said you were fighting monsters,” Beth said quietly, her thumb going toward her mouth before she realised and stopped.  She had decided about a year ago that sucking your thumb was for babies and had stopped almost instantly, which had caused one of the few real fights Beth and Annabel had, though Beth still lapsed occasionally when she was upset.  
  
“Did you stop them?  Did they hurt you, papa?” Annabel cut in, concern deep in her voice, like she did not realise that the monsters in your dreams could not hurt you.  Not that it mattered to Jared.  His monster was very real and hurt him in ways he did not ever want them to understand or even know about.  
  
“I’m okay, Annie.  I’m only sorry you got caught in the crossfire.  But you were real brave, both of you.  And you did the right thing getting Jensen,” said Jared as he gathered them in his arms.  “I want you to promise me that if you’re ever scared and I’m not there or,” Jared’s voice cracked and tears gathered at the corners of his eyes.  He continued hoarsely after a moment, “or if I’m the one scaring you.  Promise you’ll go right to Jensen.  He’ll take care of you.  He’ll protect you no matter what, just like I try to.”  
  
The girls looked up at him with the same look of trust and devotion they always had.  They were still his little girls and he had never been so relieved that he had not destroyed that forever.  He turned to Jensen and met his eyes with a silent thank you.  Jared had no idea how he did it, but Jensen always knew exactly what Jared needed to bring his world back into balance.  He did not deserve this wonderful man, but he loved him dearly and nothing would ever change it, no matter how much he had wished for it after Alice’s death.  
  
“You done with dinner?” Jared asked softly as he felt his daughters rest more heavily on him.  Their eyes were drooping after the long day out in the sunshine and the emotional evening.  As Jared tried to rearrange them so that he could carry them to their room, Jensen scooped Annabel up and started up the stairs.  Beth curled more tightly into Jared’s body as he picked her up and she sighed in contentment.  Jared could hear sleepy giggles from Annabel as Jensen told her stories in his whiskey deep voice.  In that moment, he wanted nothing more than for Jensen to be the father of his baby, for them to be a real family that could make a life together and never have it threatened again.  But if he could not have that forever, he could have it tonight.  
  
It did not take long to put the girls to bed.  They were like rag dolls as Jared and Jensen changed them into their nightclothes and for once did not insist on waking them to brush their teeth.  It was  a routine Jensen could easily fall into, ordering the girls to bed while they sulked or reading them a bedtime story while they tried in vain to keep awake, and times like now where the day had been too much and they slept trustingly in his and Jared’s arms.  Jensen shared a look with Jared, soft affection shining in their faces.  This was the way it should always be and would be if it was at all possible.  
  
Jared could feel the oxygen being stolen from him as he looked at Jensen.  Seeing the man he loved holding his child was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen.  His life had been warped and ugly for so long that this moment rocked him to his very foundations.  After everything that had happened with Tom, what he had done, Jared needed this.  He needed Jensen to show him that there was still good things in the world and that they could happen to him.  Just tonight he said to himself, ‘please just let me have tonight.’  
  
“I’m gonna clean up,” Jared said as they left the girls sleeping soundly.  “Will you, will you stay tonight?” he asked hesitantly.  
  
Jensen kissed him lightly, a gentle caress that was all the reassurance Jared needed.  “Of course.”  
  
They smiled softly at each other until Jared finally turned to the bedroom.  Jensen went to follow but stopped when Jared put a hand on his chest.  “Wait for me.  I just need a little time to myself.  I-,” Jared started but Jensen stopped him with another sweet kiss.  
  
“I get it.  You don’t need to ask permission.  This is your home.”  
  
Jared’s lips quirked.  He had not thought of this as _his_ home for a little while now.  Whenever he thought of home there were three things that came instantly to mind.  Bethany, Annabel and Jensen.  So long as they were with him he would always know where he belonged.  He would always be home.  
  
“Just wait for me.  I won’t be long,” Jared said softly and padded into the bathroom.  
  
The shower was strong and soothed his muscles until the tension finally started to dissipate.  The soreness in his arms, legs and ass had been exacerbated by the tension in his shoulders and the cold caused by his long stay out in the shade.  But the warmth from the water seeped through him as he flexed his muscles and scrubbed at his skin.  
  
Jared delayed it for as long as possible, but he knew from the way his boxers had peeled from his body that he would have to look.  He needed to know if it was just come or if there was blood.  He wanted to ignore it, wash away the evidence and have his moment with Jensen, be held and loved unconditionally, but part of that love was the desire not to hurt.  If Jensen saw that he was hurt, that would be the end of it.  Jensen would hold him, comfort him, ask him what happened, maybe even blame himself.  Jared could not allow that, not for anything.  
  
As his long fingers probed his sore flesh, Jared bit back a sob.  His hips were slightly reddened but should not bruise too much and if they did it would be because of Jensen.  Jensen would erase every unwanted touch; every feeling of disgust and loathing could be replaced simply by Jensen’s caress.  His dick was a little sore from the way it had chafed against his jeans after Tom had gone and he had regained enough coherence to cover himself up.  It shamed him how turned on he was by Tom, by the feel of a cock spearing him open.  It cut him up inside that on some level he still wanted Tom and he refused to do anything about it.  He suffered through the ache of unfulfilled desire and feel of the rough fabric against his overheated skin.  It was only right.  
  
It was only when he got to his asshole that he realised he was crying.  The tears mingled with the spray of the shower but his breath hitched and it was all he could do to stay upright as the memories of the afternoon swept over him.  He could feel every thrust as if it were happening to him at that very moment.  His fingers lightly traced the rim and he could feel Tom’s cock pressing there.  He slipped a finger inside to feel for damage and it felt like Tom’s cock splitting him open.  
  
Jared wrenched himself from his thoughts and dragged his mind back to the present.  Tom was gone – _for now_ , said the small voice in the back of his head.  He pulled his fingers out and took a deep steadying breath.  There was come, obviously, but that was not what Jared was looking for.  It was the flecks of blood that mingled with the semen that he had been fearing.  They were there.  Tiny amounts of his blood had tinged the whitish substance pink.  There was very little, a minor tear that had probably sealed itself by now.  Nothing Jared could not handle.  Of course, it meant Tom was right.  He was just a used up, sloppy hole who did not need any prep before getting fucked in the ass.  
  
A long sigh escaped Jared as he finally shut off the shower and started towelling himself off.  He should send Jensen home.  No matter how much Jared wanted it, no matter how much he wanted to be held and loved; it was not fair on Jensen.  The man had been through too much already to subject him to this too.  His decision made, Jared emerged from the bathroom only to be stopped in his tracks.  Jensen had stripped down to his boxers and tee shirt and was currently curled up on Jared’s bed, eyes closed and an arm slung over the pillow on Jared’s side.  He looked adorable, so young and carefree in his sleep.  For a long time, all Jared could do was stare.  It was rare that he had the opportunity when Jensen was unaware and Jared made the most of it, cataloguing all the changes to Jensen’s body over the years.  
  
Jensen had definitely filled out since college.  His frame was more solid now, muscled from hard work rather than a gym.  His hair was maybe a little darker these days, but not much because of the Texas sun.  The same sun that gave him both a rich, light tan and darkened the smattering of freckles Jared had always loved.  Time had taken its toll, too.  The laughter lines where his eyes crinkled had become permanently – though lightly - etched there and a few grey hairs dusted his temples, though Jared could probably count them at this stage.  Jensen had grown up in the time they were apart and Jared was sad that he had missed it.  He did not miss the carefree student he had fallen in love with.  That time had passed, for both of them.  If it was possible, Jared loved Jensen even more now than he did then.  He just regretted the time they had lost.  He would have enjoyed watching Jensen mature as their family grew together.  But such wishes were pointless.  Everything he needed was right in front of him.  
  
The moment the bed dipped under Jared’s weight, Jensen shifted.  His eyes fluttered but did not really open and he moved to give Jared room to lie next to him.  Jared had barely sat down when Jensen wrapped himself around the younger man and nuzzled into his still damp skin.  
  
“Mmm,” Jensen mumbled, “smell good.”  His hands wandered lightly over the shower hot skin and Jared trembled with desire.  Jensen lazily trailed his mouth along the path his hands had followed and Jared was lost.  All of his good intentions fell by the wayside as Jensen’s breath ghosted along his skin.  “Taste good too.  Good job you got out of the shower when you did.  Might have been too tired to do this if you’d been much longer.”  
  
If was then that Jared realised Jensen may not be as tired as he seemed.  The gentle exploration continued but it was more purposeful now.  Jensen’s goal seemed to be driving Jared crazy with as little effort as possible.  But if anyone could do it, it was Jensen.  Jensen knew his body like no one else.  No one but Tom anyway and the two cases were completely different.  Tom used his knowledge to hurt and humiliate, Jensen used it to drive him to the very peak of pleasure and keep him there for as long as possible.  
  
Soon, Jensen raised his head from where it rested on Jared’s chest.  He leaned over Jared and brought his lips down onto Jared’s.  There was nothing chaste about this kiss.  It was wet and hot and Jensen’s tongue mapped out Jared’s mouth like he owned it.  But it was also slow and sweet, languorous to the point that Jared could almost forget how turned on he was by Jensen’s touch.  His sole focus was Jensen’s mouth on his, the only point of contact were their lips and tongue.  It was like nothing Jared had ever felt before.  No matter how many times they were together, Jensen always managed to surprise him.  
  
A breathy moan escaped from one of them, maybe both, but it was enough to snap them out of the haze caused by the kiss.  Jared could feel his cock pulsing out his heartbeat, the way his balls tightened and the familiar tingle that signalled an impending orgasm.  All from a kiss.  All from Jensen’s lips and tongue worshipping his and vice versa.  
  
They breathed together, completely in synch, and stared, drinking in the sight of each other, flushed and wanting.  
  
“I need you,” Jared whispered, barely audible.  “Show me how it’s supposed to be.  Let me remember _this_.”  Jensen looked down at him, confusion marring his beautiful face as he took in the words.  But Jared did not let him question it.  He knew what he needed.  He needed to feel loved.  “Please, Jen.  I need you.  Love me.”  
  
“Always,” Jensen breathed and sank down to cover Jared’s body with his own.  They kissed again, a deep, drugging kiss that set Jared on fire, a slow burn that engulfed him while he purred under the lapping flames.  
  
The shared kisses were more than enough foreplay, but Jensen trailed his hands down Jared’s body on a clear path to touch as much of Jared’s skin as possible and every hot spot he could reach.  It was gentle and slow and was driving Jared out of his mind.  His moans were quiet but it added to the intensity of the moment.  They were locked in their own private bubble where nothing could touch them and awed reverence was the only way to express what they really felt.  
  
It felt like hours and mere moments when Jensen finally pushed a slicked finger inside Jared.  It was tender and sore to the touch, but the cool feel of the lube and the gently questing finger soothed the hurt until all he could feel was the joy of being with Jensen.  More fingers were added as slow as an ice age until Jared could not stand it any longer.  The achingly slow stretch and pull, the gentle thrusting of fingers that were too much and not enough at the same time, were as much a torture as anything Tom had done to him, but in a way that had Jared gasping for more, not praying for it all to end.  He never wanted this to end.  He would spend the rest of his life in Jensen’s arms if he could.  
  
Jensen stilled and kissed Jared once more.  The moment their lips touched, Jensen rocked into Jared’s body.  The prep had been so thorough that Jared felt no pain, despite what had occurred earlier.  Jared almost regretted that; he loved to feel Jensen enter him, loved to feel the aching burn that would last for hours, even days after.  But then Jensen shifted and slid further inside, his cock rubbing with gentle pressure against his prostate.  It was bliss, pure unadulterated bliss.  The moment he felt Jensen’s hips lock with his, he lost it.  His body convulsed with pleasure and his come coated both of them, creating a slick tunnel for his cock to slide through as he came down from his orgasm.  
  
But Jensen did not give him that time.  He carried on kissing Jared and started a slow, steady rhythm that had Jared jerking to meet him again and again.  He could feel Jensen’s racing heart and the way his hands trembled as he held Jared and it made the younger man love him all the more.  Jensen’s cock rubbed his prostate on every stroke and Jared could feel his own dick pulsing with need once more.  He pulled Jensen closer so that there was no part of their bodies that were not in synch, touching and sliding against one another as Jensen thrust steadily.  
  
This time he could feel the build up.  Jared could feel the coiling tension, the desire to last finally succumbing to the need to come.  He was almost there and he needed to feel Jensen inside him, needed to take him over the edge and feel him explode inside.  He kissed Jensen deeply and clenched his internal muscles in a rhythm designed to drive Jensen crazy.  It worked, but it worked on Jared too, causing Jensen’s cock to hit his prostate harder with every thrust.  
  
In moments, Jared threw back his head and cried out his climax.  Jensen buried his head in Jared’s neck and moaned into it as he too came, deep inside Jared’s body.  They were so closely entwined in that moment that nothing could have come between them.    
  
They lay like that for a long time; Jensen’s weight was comforting, as was the feel of his cock still buried inside him.  There was nothing Jared wanted more at that time than to fall asleep with his lover inside him, but he knew it was a bad idea.  Still, they could wait a little longer.  
  
Jensen’s eyes fluttered open.  It had been one of the most intense experiences of his life and he did not want it to end.  Ever.  He could feel himself still trapped inside Jared’s body, arms and legs curled around each other as though defying anyone to try and part them.  He smiled softly.  Never going to happen.  Not if Jensen had any say on the matter.  Jared let out a little murmur as though agreeing with the point, but Jensen could see he had fallen asleep.  He would follow soon after, but he did need to move.  Not only was he crushing Jared, but if he stayed in Jared’s ass much longer it would be rather painful for both of them.  
  
With a deft roll and shift of his hips, Jensen had them on their sides, still wrapped up in each other, but his dick free and his weight off Jared.  The move took the last of his energy, but his smile lingered even as he drifted into sleep, Jared’s nightmare forgotten and hopefully banished forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unsafe sex - no condoms   
> Jared hurts Beth accidentally while suffering a nightmare and freaks out


End file.
